My mum is doing my head in..

Sick and tired of my drama queen mother trying to take over..



I'm 33 for gods sake, and finding it really hard to make any decisions without my mum trying to bully me into alternative ideas.. I love my family dearly but want to organsie my wedding with my H2B as we are paying for most of it.. Its our day, why can't my mum see that and be happy for us without puttng obstacles in our way.. its only going to get worse, she wants full control and is treating me like a child..



Love to hear from other frustrated Brides to be. xxx

Posts

  • Me me me!! My mum has mainly been a God send as she is much more organized than me but lately she's really bugging me! She is paying for the flowers and has decided that I'm not even allowed to know what bouquets OR centrepieces we're having. Can you believe that? No use arguing or she'll just withdraw the money.



    Yesterday my 2 cousins dropped out,one of whom was having a child meal. She asked if 2 of her friends could come instead. It's costing us £30 more but I said ok. So she then phones the venue without telling me,they tell her that 6 kids meals had been ordered,she says no it's 4 and changes it without consulting me!! She phoned me then and says "What are you playing at asking for 6 kids? There should only have been 5 including your cousin so I've changed it to4" WHAT??? There were 6 kids going including my cousin but she's just changed it to 4 without even checking if she was right and then had a go at me for being stroppy!! Leaving me to sort out the confused woman at the venue.



    The wedding is 2 weeks tomorrow and i've had enough stress,I just want it over!!
  • jojo2972jojo2972 Posts: 317
    I am having the same resulting in nightmares of showdowns with my mom.Can't believe I am dreaming about it.My family are separated me and my siblings have been brought up by our dad.My dads family are close and h2bs are also.Mom has a fav brother who I barely know and she has invited him and his wife and his daughter and her fiance.I hardly know my cousin and never met her bloke but my mom thinks the world of her.I can accomodate them at my wedding but dont want too.My dad cant stand them ,my brothers and sister cant stand them either.My mom didnt care how my sister was getting to my wedding or where she is staying but she has made arrangments for transport for her brothers party and invited them to stay at my house for the weekend!!!! When she told me all this I said they are not invited she said well I have invited them now..She is coming to stay this weekend .HELP advice
  • I'm so glad it's not just me getting irritated with my Mum. My parents are insisting on doing things the old fashioned way and are paying for everything, which I am so grateful for, and they haven't interfered in anything we want to book. However although my fiancee and I aren't overly religious we are having the full Catholic mass(largely to please my family), which my mum seems to want to take over. I had worked out an order of service about a month ago, then suddenly yesterday Mum decided to completely change the hymns we had chosen and is pushing for us to have the orgainst playing stuff we don't like before the service instead of the CD we had espcially prepared. Then I get in trouble for complaining because I'm their only daughter and it's a big day for them too! Grrrr! Wish she could see its a bigger day for us, and while we are happy to listen to suggestions it should be what we want at the end of the day. Guess its traditional for mother of the bride to be a pain, but so annoying all the same!
  • naterlee1naterlee1 Posts: 519
    clayrebear, i am in exactly the same position! I am 34 and it still happens! She isn't being as bad as some, she's a bit subtle with it. I am currently looking for entertainment. We decided that we couldn't really afford a band (we're having a pretty big wedding and the costs are mounting) so I was telling her about the DJs I have been getting quotes for. "Oh, you're not having a band then?" In that tone of voice that gets me on the defensive all the time! I then tell her about another DJ quote which is cheaper than the first. "Oh, be careful, music is so important at a wedding and there must be something wroing if he is cheaper". Firstly, like I have never been to a wedding or a club with a DJ? Again, I am 34! I have been to quite a few clubs in my time! And secondly the cheaper DJ is actually associated with my venue so I think they would have got rid of him by now if he was rubbish! And then she says to me "Your are so quick to jump down my throat, aren't you?" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! I too love her dearly and we get on very well most of the time, but why is she so quick to point out my faults but can't see that what she is doing is any different??!! I keep telling myself to take deep breaths and count to ten, but I have never been known for my patience! It is very hard!

  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    My goodness ladies..



    Its actually quite refreshign to see its not only me with the neurotic mother.. the annoying thisng for me is there is no clarity on the situation.. we have been to my parrents to talk about budgets and donations etc, showed them the venue we had chosen.. but I get the impression, they want to pay for things, although they have not said for what.. even though we asked.. and said we were not making any demands..



    My H2B and I are paying for most of it, although my mum seems to think she has full control. I had exactly the same line from my mum.. saying it was their big day too.. and I would break my fathers heart if they wern't involved..(I'm the oldest daughter.. little first born)



    I said they could be involved..don't see what the problem is.. they are just being stubborn because they want it all their own way.. Apparently the venue is too extravagent, we are spending too much money.. they think you can have a wedding for about a fiver.. We've even decided on a church wedding to please my parents.. Its causing stress with my fella and me.. and I'm not enjoying it at all!! My mum is so manipulative, and controlling and is treating me like a child.. I am just going to book the venue and be harsh.. its the only way.. shame they just can't be happy for us!! GGGGGRRRR.



    More stories.. lets have a moan!! XX
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Hi Naterlee..



    Thats funny.. my heart goes out to you.. mums eyh.. who'd have em.. my mum has the same tone, think its a national phenomenon.



    My mum wants us to have a meal in a restaurant, then for us to go to another venue for a party.. aparently they will be leaving at about 9pm to go home to bed.. Its my wedding day.. how selfish can you get!!



    My H2B both have good jobs and I think my folks might feel intimidated that we can afford to do what we want.. we are still budgeting the whole thing for 6k, small wedding, venue at a lovely country hall, and disco etc.. I love my tunes, I'm sure I'll have my mum saying the same.. Oh you must have a string quartet... WHY??



    Big kisses ladies.. more stories. xx
  • Mrs-H-2-beMrs-H-2-be Posts: 193
    Hi guys,

    I know exactly where you're coming from! My mum was shocked when we told her how much we're spending on the wedding. Even though we're doing it on a budget, and paying for most of it ourselves, she was convinced that we should be spending more than £1000! She keeps saying that "in their day" they only had a small ceremony and an afternoon tea reception in their back garden. That's ok for them, but I want my friends and family to have a good day too, and that means feeding and entertaining them which costs a lot more than one grand!!!



    And don't even get me started on the whole church wedding thing! Last week I went dress shopping with my mum, and every dress I tried on she would say "Oh, that would look so lovely in a church!" We're not religious, and there's no way we're getting, married in a church!!! that is one thing that I am definitely going to get my own way on.



    Why is it that wedding planning seems to bring out the worst in mothers of the brides? Talk about bridezillas - i think there should be a new term - mobzillas! image
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Exactly the same for me..I had the same remarks about the tea thing.. my dad is obsessed with the idea of having a marquay in their pokey garden with about 10 people.. Hmm not in my book, I want all my friends there, and a lush venue. Its our damn day!!



    I had the same about the dress thing, apparently a strapless dress is indecent in the eyes of the lord.. I'm not religious but agreed to a church wedding to keep them happy..



    My sentiments exactly, I totally agree with everything you say.. I'm on your side girlfriend, we're so in the same boat!!



    Love to hear more.. xx
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    I refuse to wear a cardigan over a beautiful dress, or have my folks make all the decisions.. They got married in the 70's they've had their day!! They ran away to Africa to get married and they had no guests or parents.. I'm not being used.. Its our day.. we should just have support.. why oh why is it so hard!! I normally get on so well with my folks.. my mum has changed into a different woman!! WHY? xx
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Naterlee.. and Mrs H2B..



    I think we must be sisters, my mum is exactly the same on all counts.. its freaky!!! Exactly the same situations, remarks and stuborn, unrealistic attitude..



    LOL. big kisses girlfriends.. write back xx
  • jojo2972jojo2972 Posts: 317
    I am 35 with 2 kids 13yrs and 11yrs. We are paying for our wedding although my dad and stepmom are paying for all the flowers and deco,mil2b is paying for suits [I love her to bits] My mom is slightly different to yours as she is not really interested in my wedding she just likes causing trouble and sulking.I decided to have my half sister as my matron as I am not having bridesmaids.I chose her other than my sister because she is not married and will be the only one at the ceremony and wedding breakfast without a partner.My other sister is married with 4 kids.I told my mom not to say anything to my sister until I asked if she would be ok about it .My mom raced round and told her that she wasnt my matron.She loved it !! anyway I made up to my sister by asking her to be my witness and I have a corsage and pressie for her.
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Thats lovely.. glad your sis is ok.



    Some mums do just like to cause trouble.. thats the sort of thing my cousin would do, she's bitter that my family are close and I didn't ask her daughter to be a flower girl.. even though I've never met her..



    I think my mum forgetts that there are two famlies involved, my H2B's folks are so supportive and have been brilliant, just giving us a donation to spend on what we want.. no bullying or silly behavour. I think its funny.. my mom would go off her head if my H2B's parents were shouting the odds..



    Just gotta laugh, but it really does annoy me!!!!
  • jojo2972jojo2972 Posts: 317
    My mom is coming tomorrow so I have to break the news that she cant invite anyone I will let you know how it went.I might chicken and say my uncle and aunt can come but not cousins and they can so out where they stay if they come the night before.
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Hi Jojo..



    If your mum is coming to stay.. good luck!!! I'll be thinking of you, let me know how it goes. I'd make something up, don't let your mum bully you!!! I know its easier said than done, my mum is always giving me guilt trips (she has done my whole life.. even though I'm 33 and fully adult).. Just be strong and tell her how it is, she might even respect you for it..



    I'm a bit of a coward with confrontation, which is why people prey on my kind nature.. I'm not a complete wuss, just want to keep the peace!! My H2B gets cross because he never takes any nonsence.. Oh well.



    I have to face my folks too, we have to have another round of the usual.. I really cannot be bothered.. My H2B and I are just doing it our way from now on.. like it or lump it!!



    My mum is the same about her favourite brother.. even though the last time I saw him was when I was about 10.. its so silly.. I'm not suprised people alope!! Chin up chick. XX
  • wright_joannawright_joanna Posts: 123
    Having read this thread, I'm so relieved I'm not alone.



    I thought my Mum would be OK but as the planning has progressed I've had comments like...



    "You're not having that hymn." "Your not walking in/out to that music". "You're not having champagne as the welcome drink." "It's not traditional to...." "I'll need a hair trial!." The comments go on. I've also had similar from my sister who asked whether she was getting another outfit for the evening!! She's my matron of honour (but refuses to acknowledge the title) and thought she'd have another outfit. She's been so uncompromising in attending appointments etc and even told me at my hen do that I "shouldn't do it"!!!



    What I've found the hardest with my Mum is that she went out to get her outfit without me. When she showed me it, I nearly cried... it was the same colour as my dress (and in places the same fabric)!! Her first comments were that she "wasn't changing it" as she wanted something she could wear again; great the purchase was intended for my wedding!!! I've struggled with her outfit since she got it and tried to go with her to "look" at others but the "look" resulted in a purchase which I'm still not happy with... it's 3 weeks to my wedding day and I'm dreading looking back at the photos when MiL2B's outfit is what I had hoped Mum would have purchased.
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Hi jlw..



    Bless you.. I know what you mean.. my mum went to my cousins wedding a few years ago and had a white dress on.. Its really a big NO NO. Try telling my mum that, she has a funny way of always wanting to be the centre of attention.. we were looking at bridal mags and I was explaining to her the MOTB usually wore a suit jacket and skirt, with hat.. oh no, apparently that is far too old fashioned..



    my mum has grand ideas of looking as glam as possible, at least 2 dress changes (as the host.. in her eyes).. Think super glam, like something out of desperate housewives.. I really want to be the centre of attention, but my mum is not willing to stand down and wear something a little less extravagant to put all eyes on me.. She'll probably end up spending double the amount I will on an outfit.. I think she's battling with her age.. she's nearly 60 and moans because I look younger and more beautiful.. funny that being half her age!! Oh well least i still look 21 and don't have to try so hard.



    Try finding something more appropriate and suggesting this is really trendy at the moment.. if she's like my mum she will want to stay with fashion and the "Jones's".. Either that or try and suggest a complete contrast of bright pink or green hair piece, hat, and matching bag and jewelery to not make it so "white" if she is unwilling to budge on the style.



    I fell out with my mum BIG style this weekend. I have not spoken to her for a couple of weeks as I have been so annoyed with her behaviour. I really snapped on the phone, and now she is genuinely sorry.. You just have to keep things in perspective and let her know its YOUR day.. and she cannot take over.. Just do your own thing. Its good to have back up from your H2B and friends.. Chin up!! xx
  • wright_joannawright_joanna Posts: 123
    Hi clayrebear,



    Thank you so much for your reply; it's so appreciated.



    I had the falling out with my Mum over the weekend too which really upset us both and we've tried to sort things out although Dad has also put his foot down to no more shopping. My parents know it's my day as I've kept a close rein on all the planning (only because of the comments/suggestions they've made similar to those mentioned in my previous post!). I guess I'm also after my perfect day so want to control all aspects... not good!



    I'm at the point of not caring about Mum's outfit but I know deep down that's not the case especially as I used to be so close to my parents but found the whole wedding planning quite confrontational at times.



    Mum's accessories are mink coloured and her alternative outfit is crushed pink linen... I've told her to bring both outfits for the wedding day and we'll decide on the day. There's a possibility that the top which goes with the pale pink outfit which isn't a linen fabric and has hints of the pale pink could be worn with the original outfit but if it's a day like today then the crushed linen outfit will look far better in the photos...



    I hope you sort things out with your Mum. It's so hard but as you say, it's your day not theirs.



    xx
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Hi jlw..



    My mum is so selfish and self centred.. Its always about her!! She acts like a spoilt brat.. its so up and down I caun't cope.. she now says that with her illness, she probably won't be well enough to come to the wedding now.. I'm so sick of it always being about her!!!



    My H2B and I are arguing because he gets really angry with my folks behaviourand my mums manipulation, then I get all defensive.. last night I did not sleep a wink, and am so tired today. image



    Things are really not running smoothly because my folks are being so spoilt.. My H2B and I decided to do all the research on venues, and booked the one we liked, my folks are saying they should have had an input in that decision..WHY?



    Its up to me to go to them and say when we decide they can see the venue.. mum just says she's sick of being left out.. GRRRR its just always about her, wish she's just bide her time, keep her nose out and just let us get on with things....



    Its only just the start of things to come!! So fed up!!
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