Worst start to married life ever....

Hi there girls. I haven't posted on this site since before my wedding on 1st Dec. We had the best day ever it really was wonderfull and everyone still tell us it was the best wedding they'd ever been to. The trouble is our day has been overshadowed by the terrible time me and hubby have been having lately. We discovered a month after the wedding that I was pregnant which came as a huge shock but we were so happy. It all just seemed so perfect but it was all too good to be true. I started to bleed at 8 weeks pregnant and we lost the baby a few days later.



I just can't came to terms with it at all. It has been over 2 months now and I still cry everyday. It has caused us to fight as we don't know how to support each other and then that makes us both even sadder as we feel it is tearing us apart. I am sure we will get throught his as we love each other but it is so hard.



What makes it worse is that 3 weeks after losing our baby our best friends rang to say they are pregnant. I haven't seen them since that phone call. My husband met them to tell them that we are still struggeling to come to terms with what has happened to us and whilst we are happy for them their happy news just reminds us of what we have lost. I know my husband misses them but I don't feel strong enough to see them yet. I worry that this will damage our marriage even more. Does this sound selfsih to you? Should I be trying to pull myself together a bit more and get on with it for my husbands sake?



Sorry to rant, Jody ximage

Posts

  • louisa25uklouisa25uk Posts: 422
    Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, and can't even begin to think how I'd feel if I lost my baby. I guess you've both got a lot on your mind, and are grieving. Maybe you're expressing your grief by lashing out at each other? I suggest maybe you agree a time to talk, about how you're both feeling, but agree to listen to each other too. You're obviously both hurting, and unsure how to support each other. It seems to me, that you're both not seeing how thye other is feeling, so talk talk talk.

    I also think it's prefectly accpetable that you're not ready to see your friends, and I think if you explain how you're feeling to your hubby, he'll understand. Take as long as you need to grieve, and don't let anyone else determine the length at which you do.

    Lots of love and hugs honey, thinking of you x x x
  • BuffBrideBuffBride Posts: 93
    I don't really know what to say honey, but to talk to your new husband. Fighting isn't going to help. I'm sure that your friends understand and haven't taken offence. I don't think it's selfish. If you can maybe text / e-mail your friend to let them know that you are thinking of them.



    I hope everything works out for you.



    All the best,



    Danielle
  • kellyc7122kellyc7122 Posts: 193
    Sorry to hear about the baby jodylou, it must be hard after a really great day and becoming someones wife then life throwing this at you. I have been married for 2 weeks so i know to lose something you both want must be so cruel. But you have to remember you still have eachother and eventually it will get easier and you will be able to try again. There are support groups you can go to, or simply talk to family about i know most my cousins and my mum have lost unborn children and they have gone on and eventually come to terms with it with the support and love of family. when my sister was 18 we lived in a shared room at a friends house she got pregnant and could barely look after herself and she was so scared and he didnt want to know she was so strong but with all the work and worry she lost it i at the time was the only one she had which is very sad. I could never imagine now going through anything without simon so i know in my heart that when/if something bad does happen i will break down for a while and then we will pick ourselves up and start again as thats all we can do. WHAT DOESNT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER. XXXXX
  • Saint-BertieSaint-Bertie Posts: 6,678
    So sorry to hear of your loss. I have been through 3 miscarriages and nearly lost SBJr a couple of times so I completely understand the grief you are going through.





    You need to allow yourself to grieve, but also please remember that your new husband is also grieving. He's also trying to understand what you are going through and I would imagine he's feeling hurt and frustrated that he can't ease your pain.





    You need to talk to him, grieve with him.





    You're friends will understand but try not to shut them out completely.





    Take your time and you'll come to terms with this. I still feel sad for what might have been but I'm a firm believer in fate and these things happen for a reason.





    You will always remember this baby, but there will be others. Time is a great healer. It will get easier! Try not to worry yourself more about what your friends are thinking or what damage is being done to your marriage. Give your husband a cuddle and talk and cry.





    You will get through this xx
  • EillidhEillidh Posts: 84
    I agree with Saint-Bertie. It does take time but you have each other. Hold on to what you have it will make your relation ship stronger once you talk through how you are both feeling.

    Just now it may seem like there is reminders everywere of your loss but the pain does heal and you are not alown,



    x



  • Jess17ukJess17uk Posts: 2,381
    I know how you feel, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks preganant, a month later my firend discovered she was about 12 weeks preganant. Her son is now over a year old now, and even now it's hard for me to tell her why I don't visit her and her son as much, i've only seen him once since he was born, but it is a painful reminder. I blamed everyone at the time especially my other half, it's cause i didn't know where to turn. all I can say is time is a healer and you have to take it each day as it comes and try not to dwell on the bad things but concentrate on the good things the fact that you and your other half are together, try doing stuff together and enjoying that time you have whilst you have no children because believe me when they come there will be hardly any time to enjoy your other half.

    Me and h2b are going to start trying again after the wedding, but at the back of your mind you have this niggling concept of what if it was to happen again, but in this life you cannot live on ifs and maybes.



    I wish you all the best . Take good care of yourself.
  • So sorry to hear your news you must be devastated. As the others have said, talk to your other half, it's not just your pain.



    I'm responding more to this on your feelings towards your friend though, i was 12 wks pregnant when my friend lost her 2nd baby to a miscarriage at 8 wks, we had made plans on what we were and weren't going to do on "Mat Leave". Obviously this came as a tremendous blow (especialy as she had not trouble the first time around with the pregnancy) i would have totally understand had she not wanted to see me at that crucial time but as she said, she was overjoyed that i was pregnant and nothing was going to stop her enjoying that, it was just that she had been dealt a devastating blow, she said it was like never seeing a married friend just because you had split with your husband! I was very wary of seeing her while i was pregnant as i knew it would bring it all back to her but we were and are friends and i couldn't possibly contemplate going through that pregnancy without her. Happily she found herself pregnant a month before i gave birth and both mother and child are doing brilliantly (that was over 12mths ago). Don't block your friend out is all i'm trying to say, i know it's painful and trust me it is for her too but you can't live avoiding situations because of how they make you feel, like Buffbride said, if you can't face them yet, let them know you are thinking of them and wish them well. I am truely sorry for your situation that you have both found yourselves in, but remember it is about the two of you and you must let him in but at the same time, you must try and move on when you are good and ready and a little stronger, hopefully we will see you again on her celebrating that your are pregnant and everything is going hunky dory x x :\)
  • nicolahandnicolahand Posts: 226
    Jody, As so many of the girls on this thread have told you, I have also been throught what you went through. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks last may, and no it wasn't planned either but that doesn't make it any easier. I will say i felt exactly the way you did/do and thought i was never going to get over this, but i can say nearly a year later, yes it is on my mind every now and again and i still feel some sadness but not at all what i first felt which was devastation. I am getting married in september and looking forward to (fingers crossed) having trouble-free pregnancies in the future as i'm sure you will too. I found out only when i had a miscarriage that it is so common you wouldn't believe. Of course that doesn't make it any easier but many people have miscarriages and then go on to have perfect babies in their own time. My only advice is talk talk talk because i held it in for a while and only when i let it out did i realise how supportive h2b really is, as im sure your husband is too, and only when you talk will you really begin to get over it. You will never forget but there is a big difference between coming to terms and forgetting. Wishing you all the best xx
  • danielagukdanielaguk Posts: 261
    Hi jodylou, so sorry to hear about the baby, i know how you feel, i lost a baby at 10 wks 2 days after christmas 2 years ago, i had a friend that was due a week after me and must admit i avoided her, i was awful seeing her how i should be, she felt bad too as mine was planned and hers wasnt, i went thru all the balming crying rowing, it's an awful thing to happen and you never forget, but i promise it does get easier, i went on to get pregnant a few mths later and was past the 12wks mark by my orgional due date, my pregnacy was a worry but now my daughter is 13 mths old and me and my friend are back on track, just take each day as it comes and talk to someone if you gfeel down i found it easier to talk to strangers, there is a great forum on a site called bounty.com for people trying after losing a baby, this helped me. Big Hugs & Good luck to you and all the ladies that had suffered with this it does get betterx prayers for all the little ones xxx
  • JodylouukJodylouuk Posts: 66
    Thanks for all your kind words. I know this happens to women everyday but it still fells terrible. It just seems so unfair to have had our happy few months as newly weds destroyed like this. It is getting easier with time and my husband has been very supportive. I have decided to have a bit of counselling as my work will pay for it. I am going alone though not as a couple. I just want to be anle to move on and not punish our marriage like I've been doing.
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