Why do I feel so negatively about my wedding day? ;'o(

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  • I honestly think that your choices were perfect for your venue it all 'went' really well with your surroundings down to the details like your hairpiece. The photographer really did do a fab job and if you were unhappy on the day it didn't show on the photos....what a smile!

    xx
  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    aww thanks! I'm glad you think all the details went with the venue, I hopes they would! Yes my mum said I looked so happy in the photos! I suppose I was happy - I'd just got married! I may have been a little tearful and over emotional because I was so tired, but I was happy to have got married! And I think a lot of the way I feel about the day came afterwards and not so much on the day itself.
  • Just try to remember how you felt on the day whenever you feel down and have a peep at those fabulous photos! Unfortunately friends mean a lot and when they let us down it really hurts especially for you as your friend was your bridesmaid. But at least you have a new life with your husband to look forward to.

  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Thanks ;o) could I see a sneaky piccy of your wedding, Isabella??!
  • Aw Froogies you look absolutely beautiful!
  • Quoted:
    Thanks ;o) could I see a sneaky piccy of your wedding, Isabella??!


    Of course!! I'd love you to have a look they're not quite as good as yours though as we had a city centre wedding so the venue wasn't nearly as scenic! Link below.

    x



    http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/chatroom/topic/251470

  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Thanks, Mrs Foster! Isabella, you look stunning! The dress looks great on you. I love those photos in front of the tree with the gorgeous autumnal leaves! Looks like it was a great day!
  • Thanks Froogies, I do love the dress but I've not got any sentimental attachment to it so I've decided to do a trash the dress shoot. My hubby is a construction contracts manager so ive asked him if I can use one of his sites to do the shoot - he works on commercial sites so there will be loads of cranes and equipment. I really don't care of it does get trashed so I'm hoping it will make a good shoot.

  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    wow, that sounds great! I'd like to have some more shots taken in my dress - I think you might have replied to my thread on ideas for locations?? Hope you have fun! By the way I love your profile picture! xx
  • KazhugKazhug Posts: 191
    I think we just build up so much to the day that Im not suprised we feel like that. Nothing went wrong as such on my day apart from being ill at reception but it does go really fast and you miss things. Reading this has helped me girls so thank you!

    Kaz x
  • mrshelen74mrshelen74 Posts: 9,282
    hey hunney, firstly dont think i said congrats you look radiant and so beautiful, how in love do you both look and that whats counts hun. Brill pictures. Have you decided on your cherish the dress shoot yet.
  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Thanks helen74, that's really nice of you!

    No I haven't yet! Haven't spoken to my dad yet so not sure if he's got any time free to do it, but will ask him and see what suggestions he comes up with! I have a beautiful park with a lake on my doorstep so I might have some taken there first of all!
  • Oh ladies. I feel so sad for you all.



    I think I'm lucky that I am a pessimist so kind of expected things to go wrong at my wedding. Turns out that nothing "ruined" the day for me or has tarnished my memories but, thinking back, there were a few things that went tits up!



    There were little things like, I was first to get ready and had to stand outside chatting to the car man while everyone else flapped around getting themselves ready.



    The registrar was late so I had to wait outside the door for ages until she arrived!



    The biggest issue was one guest who had e-mailed us 2 days before to let us know she was a vegetarian (!) telling us just as we were walking into the marquee for food and speeches that she had to leave to go to work and her boyfriend (another guest) was driving her so he may not be back in time for the meal either!! That really tried my patience!



    I feel especially terrible because I feel that I "know" Sallycinnamon and Nat and have harped on to them about my fab day, not realising they didn't feel the same.



    Do try and concentrate on the elements that did go right and were lovely. You all have lovely new husbands now!



    Hope you all feel better with time! X
  • I like your hair and I think your photos are lovely.



    I know what you mean about obsessing about small details that didn't quite go to plan. As I get further away from the day I am forgetting about these and just remembering the best bits. I hope you do to x
  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    randa - thank you so much for your kind comments. I too am a bit of a pessimist - the things I worried about going wrong didn't go wrong, and they probably would have been worse than the things that did go wrong, so I should count myself lucky, shouldn't I! Pearlsorsparkle - thank you for your kind comments too. (I like the style of my hair, just thought it looked a bit messy!) I'm sure that with time I will feel like you - that usually is the case with other things that I feel bad about!
  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    randa - thank you so much for your kind comments. I too am a bit of a pessimist - the things I worried about going wrong didn't go wrong, and they probably would have been worse than the things that did go wrong, so I should count myself lucky, shouldn't I! Pearlsorsparkle - thank you for your kind comments too. (I like the style of my hair, just thought it looked a bit messy!) I'm sure that with time I will feel like you - that usually is the case with other things that I feel bad about!
  • Dear Froogies, I'm so sorry to hear how you feel.

    it's funny, because I have been telling everyone that my day was perfect, but when I sit down and think about it, a lot of things went wrong. For example, the peonies for the bouquet were rotten and I had to change flowers at the last minute, bits fell off my bouquet before we even left home, I was late because my sisters couldn't do my buttons up, the registrar told me off for being late, the base of the box of wine got wet and they all smashed when the waiter lifted them up, the cd player went wrong and no-one got to hear the music i'd chosen carefully for the meal, my sis decided to retouch my blusher so I look like Aunt Sally in the evening pics, my dad confronted some gatecrashers in the bar who then told him they were paying for their own drinks, which was cringey!

    But I've only really remembered any of that now because I was so happy. In fact the only thing that is still bugging me is that my best friend didn't get me so much as a card, or sign the guest book, and couldn't be arsed to turn up for the meal the night before.

    So I wonder if, if you could only make amends with your best friend, that you might start feeling a bit better about everything? I think that everyone's weddings go a bit wrong, but it's the feeling that is perfect, not the day itself. I hope you will start looking at the day more fondly in the future, from your pics you look beautiful and happy and I'm sure you must have felt that way at the time
  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Thanks, Tsarina. I suppose I just have to face the fact that my best friend is not perfect, and be grateful that she is still there for me! I don't think she intentionally set out to hurt me or realised what she was doing.



    Today I had yet another long think about how things turned out on the wedding day. I am starting to realise that not everything could have worked out the 'perfect' way I'd planned because you just can't always predict how certain things will run, and certain things do change according to other circumstances on the day.



    I have learned something about myself that I find hard to change but really want to try, and that is that I always mull over the little details of everything too much and lose sight of what is really important - I'm a perfectionist over everything and it often takes over everything so that the important things get spoiled. And all the things I worried about did go well.



    I wish I had spent more time before the wedding telling myself that what mattered was enjoying time with my husband and guests on the day, and less time thinking about what the dream wedding should be.



    So, while today I have started to feel better about the details that didn't go according to plan and am starting to accept that it was inevitable that not everything would be as planned, I have now started to feel guilty, sad and angry at myself that on the day (and during the honeymoon) I spent time worrying about those things instead of really enjoying the day. For example, I hadn't realised that I wouldn't be able to hear the string quartet from where we had photos, and I had really been looking forward to hearing them during the photos, so instead of enjoying having photos taken with my new hubby, I was upset about that!! So it feels like I can't actually remember feeling happy on the day, though I'm sure I must have been, it's just that I had so many other things going through my mind that happiness at being married and enjoying the party was not the only emotion I was feeling. (I know that getting married was the most important thing, but I also wanted to enjoy the various aspects of the day that I had paid for and planned!!!)



    So I think I am going to have to go through various different emotions and thought processes before I start to look back on my wedding as the happiest day of my life; it's a shame that it has to be like that, but if I feel happy about the day eventually, that's the main thing!



    Sorry it was another long one, and thank you everyone who has supported me on here. xxx
  • I do feel a bit sorry for the people who think they had a bad day but I also find it a bit annoying.



    I dread to think how much we all spent on one day of our lives and to then focus on the bad things seems to me such a waste of energy.



    A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of a marriage, which is the start of a new life, its not meant to be 'perfection'.



    The reason it cannot be perfect is that people are not perfect. I think sometimes brides put too much emphasis on what other people do or say or think.



    Surely, the day is about you and your husband.



    I think the low let down feeling is just coming down from the planning and adrenalin rush and so its easy to focus on 'so called' bad things.



    Sorry but you need to get a grip, get some perspectiove, enjoy being married and loved (be thankful you are not alone in the world) and stop whining about the 'bad' day you had.



  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    MrsRawden to be - I appreciate your comments and think maybe you're right that focussing on the bad things is partly due to a come down feeling. But I think that saying I'm whining is a bit unfair. I am merely trying to make sense of my feelings and see what other people think to hopefully help me to get rid of these feelings. I think more people than you realise feel this way afterwards without really knowing why, and we are simply trying to work through our emotions - we don't choose to feel this way, we wish we didn't. My mum's friend's daughter even went on anti depressants after her wedding.
  • Even tho I'm a B2B and haven't got married yet, I think there are two issues here at least.....



    The first is that so many brides feel very down after their wedding (my friends have said they felt the same), after all the preparation and work, people often crash into depression. It seems its very common after all the excitement and that.



    The second is that as a society we put far far too much pressure on our weddings to be 'perfect'. I'm not saying that the OP is any more guilty than the rest of us. So much detail and work goes into the modern wedding, the wedding industry (and it is an industry) sells the idea of perfection all the time and people often have such high expectations which can end up unrealistic at times. I'm desperately trying not to create a 'perfect' day, but have a lovely a day as possible and as long as I end up married by the end of the day, then if things do go wrong (as they will I'm sure), it wont matter. In reality, all we need to get married is the two of us, a vicar/registrar with a licence, two rings and two witnesses. The rest is all what we choose to have.



    Also wanted to send (((HUGS))) to you froogies, you sound as if you need a virtual hug. :\)



    M

    [Modified by: Moonglow on November 02, 2009 04:03 PM]

  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Moonglow, firstly thank you so much for your virtual hug, that's very sweet of you! I know now that many brides feel post wedding depression - I wish I had known that before!



    You're so right about the pressure on brides for the wedding to be perfect and the way in which the industry takes advantage (just look at how much companies charge in comparison to other events). The thing is,as I was working to a strict budget I knew I would never have the 'perfect' wedding, and I anticipated that certain things may go wrong, so I don't understand why I am feeling like this! I can tell myself all the logical arguments in the world - e.g. what matters is we're married, it could have been worse, everyone enjoyed themselves, so many things went well, etc., but I can't get rid of this negative feeling and I'm so annoyed at myself for that!



    Maybe it is all about a come down feeling, and maybe because I can't make sense of the feeling I am trying to find excuses for feeling like that, i.e. what went wrong on the day.



    The more I discuss it on here, though, the more I am starting to put it in perspective and gradually feel better, so that has to be positive!
  • No problem froogies! I think its healthy to question why you feel the way you do, it helps to make sense of our feelings. I know I try to do the same.... It is possible that you are more annoyed at certain things going wrong in hindsight because you are feeling down rather than them causing it. As long as you are feeling better for sharing it though!!



    I'm very cynical about the wedding industry, you may have noticed!! I figure that when my parents and grandparents got married, they didn't have wedding fayres with someone telling them they need 2 dancing storks and a fountain outside the wedding venue to make it perfect! Sorry, started to rant now! image



  • froogies, sorry if I was a bit harsh,. I just think you are being too hard on yourself in a way and letting this spoil the fact that you have married the man you love.



    It is only one day and one that in time (whether you think so or not) will fade to just a pleasant feeling.



    I think the crash after the wedding is normal and I felt a bit bereft after it was all over, but I look at the pictures think about my dress, am mkaing a box of wedding keepsakes and souvenirs and creating an album.



    how about finding another exciting project? lose weight (if it applies), try to start a new hobbie, make a baby (wink wink), all those things may help,.



    maybe even just start a new book, buy a new pair of shoes. I am sure the feeling of malaise will pass.



    There are things about my day I could be upset over (my dress was not tight enough, I did not speak to as many people, there are no pictures of me without a drink in my hand, I looked fat, my father being in a wheelchair and not being able to dance with me) but I REFUSE to give in to these feelings!!!!





    come on girl bring some PMA and be thankful for what you do have which is a good man, lovely memories and hopefully no HUGE debt!!! lol



    big kiss xxx
  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Thank you for your kind comments, Mrs Rawden, I realise you didn't mean it to sound as harsh as the way i took it! I am starting to feel that the things that went wrong are not that important anymore; I suppose I just still wish my best friend could have been more happy for me; but maybe she was and just didn't know how to show it. As you say, at least I have my hubby and a life together to look forward to, and we do have some great photos and soem great memories of the day to look back on! Oh and if that is you in your avatar, you don't look fat, that dress is lovely! xx
  • nzecevicnzecevic Posts: 1,206
    Hi girls



    Very interesting post and sad to hear so many things going wrong for people. It really is down to expectations and more often than not its our expectations of others that let us down - we tend to think that people will give us what we would give them and it's unfortunate when they don't!



    Friends are often a surprise and I have taken the run up to my wedding as an opportunity to assess some friendships where I felt I gave and got nothing back. If a ???????friend??????? cannot be there for you for your wedding then they're not friends of mine. I know some say you might be being absorbed and self centred but how dare they critisise this - if you had had a baby and went on about it and could only talk about the baby (as a lot of new mom's do) they wouldn't dare comment that you are too absorbed in your baby so why do they think they can about your wedding? Jealously probably. I was firm that it was MY time, let me have these few weeks of me being the centre of attention and I'll get back to normal afterwards - I was supportive when they were getting married so expected the same back. A couple did let me down so I'm probably just going to let the friendships fizzle out. These are friendships that I realise I haven't been getting much out of anyway so now the weddings over I can just leave them be. So it's not that they let me down for the wedding just that the wedding has crystallised my feelings about these people.



    I was conscious about how much in control I needed to be about the wedding and so planned for what I thought was everything that could possibly go wrong - the things that did go wrong (or off-plan as I'd rather refer to them) I could not have done anything about so I feel fine to let them slide. For example the Registrar was late so everything was put back half an hour - it wasn't a problem as we made up the time and I wasn't bothered, just spend half an hour putting on more make up!



    Couple of let downs with the venue but no one else noticed and I will probably forget these over time. And the photographer had had a stroke two weeks before so rather than cancel on us he came but didn't stay as long as he was supposed to as he had to get back to hospital! He's knocking off some money and still took over 200 photos so I don't mind - lots of friends have also took great photos.



    The key thing was though I never expected it to be the best day of my life. I've planned events before and they are difficult, expensive and stressful and on the day you are just glad to get things moving along. So I sort of expected to feel that way about the wedding which had turned into more of a project. Because of this I think I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. We didn't invite all and sundry so we could really spend time with everyone and everyone turned up who said they would etc etc - again these things you can't control but you have to be realistic about other people and how they don't put the same importance on your wedding as you might on theirs - it just means you're a more decent, considerate person!!



    I think if you expect it to be the best day of your life and you get married in your 20's or 30's then how can you possibly live the other two thirds of your life knowing the best day is behind you? What can you aim for, how can you be ambitious if you always feel the best is in the past? It's a negative attitude that is only going to make you depressed - and possibly trouble your marriage. It needs to be put in context - a great celebration of finding your one true love and the start of a fabulous life together with lots of plans and lots more ???????best days??????? to look forward to. x

  • froogiesfroogies Posts: 402
    Hi natz, they are really helpful comments, thanks. What you said about the 'best day of your life' being behind you has really made me think. You are so right! I should be looking forward to other great (and greater) days - the birth of our child if we have one, great experiences we have together, etc.



    I know what you are saying about the planning - it's all a lot of effort and you can't expect everything to go according to plan; on the day I was still thinking about how things should be running! I do miss the planning though, as it was a really fun project for me. I don't enjoy work much and my hubby works shifts so often I'm on my own; it was my little bit of escapism and excitement, and I tried to explain this to my best friend when she accused me of letting it become all consuming.



    You're right - why shouldn't I have spent a lot of time talking about it? Will she not be the same when her wedding day approaches? maybe not, but that doesn't mean I am wrong for being like that. I never once asked her to help with planning; I don't see the odd text asking for her opinion or saying I am excited, when we DID also talk about other things (and hardly talked about the wedding during bridesmaid dress shopping) as being too demanding and having 'high expectations' of our friendship. My sis in law even commented that she hadn't done much as MOH and told her on my hen night that she should really buy me a drink!!



    I had felt for about a year before the wedding that she wasn't as bothered about the friendship (but whenever we met up things were the same as before and I told myself I was being paranoid). What really hurt was that a couple of years ago I forgot to reply to a couple of texts. Even though I was always the only one who suggested meeting up and who phoned up for a chat, she accused me of being a crap friend because of it; yet, over the past year, she has been doing the same - not replying to texts! I told her this too. she just said that next time wanted to air some gripes, I should think about what she had done for me recently!!



    I just don't know what to do. She really was the best and closest friend I ever had and the one I can most be myself and have a laugh with. If any of my other friends had behaved like her, I would have no problem letting the friendship fizzle out. I can't bring myself to do that with her; but I also feel really resentful and let down, but can't say anything due to how she'll react.



    I always said I'd be so excited for her and wanting to get involved if it was her wedding; she wasn't like that with me. I could understand if I had constantly asked for her help or was on the phone all the time about the wedding, but it wasn't like that. She did agree to be my MOH after all!



    When it's her turn, I'll do the right thing and offer all my support and help and show an interest and put her to shame, haha! or maybe she just won't want to share it with me, like I wanted to with her.
  • nzecevicnzecevic Posts: 1,206
    Sounds like it's more the friendship that's getting you down now than the wedding day. I decided to call time on a friendship a few years ago (girl i knew from school, i was always there for her but things got messy when I met my now husband ) it was very difficult but got really toxic and i can now see that she'd been happy to be the prettier friend who was always centre of attention with boyfriend troubles - i was the single mate who was always there for girls nights out, holidays etc. When things changed and i was with my now hubby the slant of our friendship changed and she didn't like it. Obviously I wasn't an angel either - i kept pushing for her to give me what i'd always given her but she didn't want to. We've completely cut ties and i feel so much better for moving on. It is worse than splitting up with a man though!



    I'm not saying you cut ties with her but it does seem she's the one that you have the most issue with. You've already told her how you feel and how let down you were but she still isn't seeing what the problem is. It does seem to be a case of you valuing the friendship more than her.



    My advice is to just keep your distance from her for a bit, obviously don't be rude or create arguements but just concentrate on your marriage and maybe throwing yourself into another project (new job if you're bored?). You are probably giving the friendship far more thought than she is. If you feel let down then don't put yourself up for being let down again - distance yourself and see if she comes round to you.



    Friends do come and go and we do hang onto friendships that aren't good for us or rewarding just out of a sense of loyalty or the fact that because the friendship has gone on for years you feel you should stay friends. But it drains your time and doesn't allow you to meet new friends who you may now have more in common with.
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Hi babe, Just wanted to say that after we got back from honeymoon, I hit a brick wall, I felt really negative about the wedding too, and hubby was so annoyed saying it was the best day of his life and why didn't I feel the same.



    I think sometimes the expectations are so high and the little thigs can really irritate you especially if you are a perfectionist!! I had to see a counsellor as I was just cryng all the time, its slowly got better.. post wedding blues are very common.



    Hope you feel better soon. XXX
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    I had a huge row with my family the day before the wedding and was in bits, dad thanked mum for everything and made out he paid for the wedding, which really upset me, all I wanted was for him to raise a glass to his beautiful daughter and new son in law blah blah.. no none of that just thanks to mum for giving birth to me..



    Then mum said she would look after my wedding bouquet until i got back from honeymoon, and sent me a text video of her pulling petals off and floating the bouquet doen a canal, apparently in loving memory of grandparents who had passed away (like 10 years ago).. A nice gesture in mums eyes, but not her bouquet to do that to..



    mum lost the silk rose coursage which went on the side of my dress, I just had a plastic freesure pinned on as substitute.. lots of other little things went wrong, but I guess you can't forsee the future and plan everything, sometimes unpredictable things happen and its awful, but you have to get over it otherwise it eats you up inside.



    I have learn to "let go" and move forward to enjoy married life.. perhaps try planning a lovely anniversary holiday, a family, new career, hobby if anything to fill the void.



    If you want to chat please let me know, I know how you feel.. I got married beginnign of August and still feel blue, am still seeing a counsellor and have suffered with bad ezcema, flu bug, and feeling low for months now!!! Big hugs. XXX
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