NOT TTC...Ever

I am curious if there are other new brides (or brides to be) who do NOT plan on having children as the next step in their gameplan. I've noticed on this site that quite a few brides move right from the wedding planner to the TTC thread, and for a variety of reasons, I'm not one of them. The site almost makes me feel like that's what I'm "supposed" to be doing next...and really offers nothing as an alternative. I'm just looking to start a conversation, hopefully with like-minded others for are also not trying to conceive (ever).  What are your next plans? What are you looking forward to? What's your next "big act?"  Do you ever question your own decision not to have children?  

Posts

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    Interesting thread and I'm sure will spark some interesting conversation.

    I can't say I'll never want to have kids, I'm sure it's probably inevitable and my maternal instinct will kick in at some point but they are so far off our radar and I am far from getting to that place (I'm 28, already have a quite a few friends with kids, but luckily still quite a few who don't). Already though, I'm feeling the pressure from both mums constantly making remarks and I know MIL in particular will be on our backs about it as soon as we're married. It does seem to come from all directions though, as if there's nothing else to do once you're married apart from squeezing out kiddos. I hate the pressure of social groups doing the whole 'so, when are you gonna have babies?' thing. If anything, the nagging makes me rebel against it and want to do it even less. (As a side note, I think it's a really rude question to ask people anyway because for all they know you could have fertility problems or be struggling to conceive but the constant reminder that you're not is only going to be a kick in the ribs.) 

    Instead, I look forward to the freedom of going on some wonderful trips just the two of us (all my friends with kids haven't been away in years) and hopefully next year we'll be planning to move house and I'd like a renovation project to get stuck into. Also, I have my own small business that I'd like to grow. There is plenty to life without kids and my cats are enough dependents for me! x

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    *Raises hand*

     

    I really don't appreciate when friends and family say "so how many children are you going to have?" REALLY?? You're really asking me that?For all you know I have a defunct womb, and i'm supposed to be embarrassed? Give me a break.

    My old manager got married when I first started working at that job and she got pregnant pretty quickly afterwards, and she said to me that the reason she had a kid so fast was because the buzz from her wedding had gone and she needed something else to do...

     

    I would rather have a few more cats and when the time is right move to Tuscany and open an artists' retreat in the hills....not a life for children. 

  • KateMarried3KateMarried3 Posts: 339

    I completely agree that it's rude to inquire (or worse yet pressure or nag) someone about their family-related decisions. My reasons for not having children are many and vary in sensitivity level. I also get tired of the media (TV shows, magazines, movies, social media) basically pushing that it's "the next logical step, of course."  Newsflash, babies don't always follow marriage (or precede it always either), and sometimes there aren't any at all, before or after.

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    FMIL just doesn't get it - she's all about family and obsessed with OH's nephews and when we try to fob her off with the likes of 'don't hold your breath' or 'no kids on the radar' she responds to me with her go-to 'well don't wait too long, your clock is ticking'! 

  • Little JulesLittle Jules Posts: 1,538

    We will, but we intend to wait a couple of years (although as I'll be 30 when we get married, not too much longer). We want some time just to ourselves once we are married (particularly as we live separately at the moment) and I hope that our friends are thinking similar things - we actually have very few close friends with children! 

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    Most of my friends who are married actually don't have children, for various reasons, but mainly because they're happy with their lives as they are and don't want to complicate their lives. Plus kids are expensive. 

  • KateMarried3KateMarried3 Posts: 339

    I wonder if it's sometimes a generational thing: it seems folks from my parents generation (and earlier) have no qualms about making comments about other people's reproductive plans, which is just rude! Although, I know it's certainly not something restricted by age. Do people know how offensive they are being?  I would never comment on that to someone, it's none of my business.

    Is anyone else annoyed with the media inundating them with the message that you are basically "supposed" to breed post-wedding?

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    It began pre-media, remember "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage"? It's supposed to be programmed in, I guess we're 'broken' LOL. The world is already overrun, why contribute to that? This planet is not going to be a pleasant place to live in the next 50 years. 

  • MrsMGtobeMrsMGtobe Posts: 612

    Just to add a different perspective...

    For us, it has kind of worked the other way around; we have spoke about having a family long before we spoke about marriage. Marriage was the best ground work for a family and shows our future commitment to our family.

    I have been having strong maternal instincts for some time, and for me, it's a strong innate guttural need, not want, to reproduce. I get quite emotive when people assume that we are doing things this way (marriage then TTC) due to societal (and media) constructs and pressures to "breed", when actually the need to have a family came first, long before marriage.

    In terms of media pressures and weddings, sorry to hijack, but I am so bored of hearing that I need to diet, whiten my teeth or have some sort of cosmetic surgery before the big day!

  • Lou85Lou85 Posts: 1,805 New bride

    I think this is interesting. I really want children, but we live in a one bed flat in SW London so we want to be more settled first - we also want to enjoy being married and having quality time together. We're planning a special holiday for my 30th next year (I'm 28) so it'll hopefully be after then.

    We have had a few comments on babies, but to be honest, the question we've been getting from friends and family alike, is "when are you going to buy a house?". Obviously, we can't wait, but we're saving up - if we could, we would! I feel that our family, particularly the older generation, some of whom are in Scotland have no idea how expensive it is down here - we have a great life and we don't want to cripple ourselves with a mortgage until we're ready. A little tact please would be nice! X 

  • SadSack83SadSack83 Posts: 1,700

    I have been married for 2 years soon and we love it being just the two of us! We want a family one day but wanted to be a couple and enjoy having spare cash for a while!

    I do get asked all the time though! Usually by people with 3+ children of their own, or oddly, work colleagues! I find it strange and rude, especially those who point out we're not getting any younger!!! We're only just in our 30's!!!

     

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    i get asked all thime time and so does my parents about when we r having kids! we are so not ready at the moment - we only got married in feb. i think i do eventually want kids but we have a we loans which will be paid off next year and are planning a few awesome holidays first - i want to live instead of having a kid and wishing i could have waited and lived a bit more!

    but yes there is a massive pressure to have kids as soon as you are married - many brides on here talk about going off the pill before the wedding in order to start trying straight away - its their choice but not for me lol

    id much rather have a puppy! (not materinal at all or broody except at puppies)

  • Weddin crazyWeddin crazy Posts: 1,744

    I think these days other than odd ppl askin if kids are comin ( which is annoying whether ur trying or not coz it's no ones business) the path of life is quite flexible to what u do or what order u do things. I think ppl just keep in mind tht there's a time limit on havin kids, there's not on career, marriage etc but it's each to their own, what's important in life to you and how fate takes ya! image 

  • CDF2014CDF2014 Posts: 35

    I'm with you Hydrogirl! I've been waiting till after we get married so I can have another dog! haha. Although we have just taken on our second house renovation project so another puppy isn't probably a good idea anymore image

    I'm only 25 so I hope I dont get the questions about babies straight after our wedding in October. It's really dificult because like you all say there is so much pressure because it's the way things have always been done! But I think our generation is quite different from the ones before us in that yes women work as well as men (which has been the case for the last 2 generations) but we're also quite often earning the same as them too. My main reason for not wanting children as soon as we're married is that I'm not ready and like many of you want to travel and renovate etc, but also we can't afford to cut our household income in half... and I don't know if we will ever be in that position. It's so expensive to have children these days whether you're leaving your job to look after them or putting them in nursery and carrying on with your career. I just look into the future and think unless we win the lottery or something it may never happen!

  • YES! Im 36 and got married at the end of last year and absolutely fed up of people asking. My normal response is that we keep kissing but nothing happens and ask what we are doing wrong. Normally shuts them up! The truth is that i like not having children and years after beingtold 'it will kick in eventually' still waiting for my maternal instinct. I know time is starting to run out to make a decision before we get too 'old' and yet feel almost guilty that i just dont care about having a baby. Interesting thread though as lots of my fellow 2013 brides are now TTC. My next thing is buying a bigger house and stepping up my career. Really want to start my own business but just dont know what!
  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Haha, I need to show my friend this post - she got married when she was 24 (8 years ago) and everyone always asks her (and me!!) when she is going to start having kids. And people always ask in this way which implies they think there may be something 'wrong' because they haven't had kids yet...when actually they just don't want to have kids at the moment! It's definitely something which has become socially acceptable to ask when really it's no one's bloomin' business. I'm sorry you get asked this a lot!

  • kitten2kitten2 Posts: 2,240

    The most annoying thing is when people say to me 'you'll change your mind'! Now okay I might but if I don't then so what?!?!? Why is it anyone else's business and what right do you have to tell me that I'll be lonely if I don't. I get so fed up of being judging me because I don't want kids...there are many reasons I don't want them but again these are no-one else's business. I see too many people I know having kids because they feel it's the next logical step and then they moan because they have no money, don't go on holiday etc. It was your choice to have kids just like it is my choice to not have them.....and breathe image

  • One of my friends who is pregnant was asked 'So was it planned then?' I nearly choked on my wine....people just dont realise how rude they are!



    Kitten...i could not agree more with you!
  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I haven't got any kids and I've never been particularly maternal - I have gone through broody spells but it doesn't look likely that we will have kids but honestly some people can look at you as some kind of social outcast when they know this - it is none of their business. I do know other childless couples, some of which do not want children and some others who cannot have children and it's so rude when people ask why! 

  • I think a lot of people now live together and so only decide to get married when they want to move on to the next step of children, so it is assumed that is why everyone is getting married. I want children some time but not yet. My manager at work didn't seem very pleased when I got engaged. I was confused why it appeared to irritate her until I realised she was probably worried about me going on maternity leave.

     

    My in laws actually bought us a baby gro because it was in my favourite colour. I was really annoyed! I refused to take it home and store it for years!

  • Jomc11Jomc11 Posts: 484

    This is a worry i have that people just assume thats whats going to happen, due to health reasons it may not be possible for us, but this is something I dread being asked at the wedding to the point i even thought of making it public so that I wont have that awkward moment

  • I was actually asked by a new guy we hired here at work last week, "don't you have any kids of your own," (No.) and then "WHY NOT?"  (!!!) Are you kidding me?  1: I don't even know you.  2: We are co-workers, not even family or friends. 3: You are a male. 4: AND it's none of your business!  I was appalled.  I actually stammered and didn't even know exactly what to say. I WANTED to say NOYB, but it's a small workplace, all men except me & my assistant, so everyone would act like I was being a b**ch if I had said that.  I have MANY reasons for not having children of my own in the past and not having any going forward, none of which I care to share with Mr. Impertinent! 

  • kitten2kitten2 Posts: 2,240

    It's so strange isn't it?!?! It's the one subject people seem to think they can quiz you over or get on their high horse about. I hate it when people say 'really?!?!?' in a really shocked tone like I've just said I've murdered someone....bugger off! You won't be so surprised when I'm the one having had 8 hours sleep, with a designer handbag and on a 5 star luxury holiday!!

  • Love that kitten2...exactly.  Also, I don't know about the UK, but in the US our country is becoming 100% kid-centric. Restaurants, resorts, shops, you name it...if they aren't "Kid friendly," people come down on them like the wrath of God. For crying out loud, it's ok not to have kids and to have amusements (even if you have kids) that are not kid-centered.  I guess this is a separate rant, but related. 

  • kitten2kitten2 Posts: 2,240

    No I completely agree! And I get REALLY annoyed when they have offers for kids at amusements parks and stuff, like buy one and get free, and it doesn't include adults! I avoid restaurants which encourage kids like the plague! It really is okay to not want to be round kids or have kids. It doesn't mean I hate them, I just enjoy time talking to my other half without having spaghetti thrown all over me or the surrounding areas and be able to hear something other than kids screeching. I get awful looks when I ask not to be seated near children like I'm evil or something. Probably a separate rant but it had to be said.....I'll calm down now image

  • GMH24GMH24 Posts: 227

    My situation is slightly different as I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I was quite young when I had her. She still sees her dad every other week, but she also has a great relationship with my OH. My OH doesn't want kids and I don't want anymore, yet we get asked by so many people why not or when will we have our own. We are perfectly happy as the 3 of us, and because my daughter goes to her dad's every other week it means we get time to ourselves as well. 

    We get married this weekend so I'm sure we will get plenty of questions afterwards about when we are going to have our own kids. It annoys me though because I don't believe you should get married just because you want to have kids, and people shouldn't assume you will be having kids just because you're married! 

Sign In or Register to comment.