Newlywed and relationship at its worst

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  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    If he's never been a talker - then that isn't going to change.

    Men aren't talkers, well, mine isn't anyway.  Men also need space and to be honest it sounds like you do too.

    Try doing thing separately and then meet up end of day and just talk about 'different topics' that you don't normally talk about.

    Life is too short.  Try and look at it a different way. Are the things that need to be done 'really important'? Can you do them? Or change the way you say that they need doing?

  • Hi Bagersbetty, thank so much for your reply.

    i agree we both probably need a bit of space and will make an effort to make sure we do separate things as you say.

    i appreciate he will never be a talker but can I ask how you resolve conflict without talking about it? Everyone always says communication is key to a relationship but if he won't discuss problems what do we do? The few times we do discuss problems I feel like because its been so hard to get him to discuss the issue at hand we both enter the discussion even more frustrated with one another and don't really get anywhere. I also think he tends to agree with me in the moment just to end the conversation without actually meaning what he is saying.. How do you and your partner deal with stuff as he also isn't a talker? 

     

    Ive tried very hard to change the way I say things need doing - everything from not saying anything at all if it something obvious, to sending occasional text reminders, to doing something nice and making him dinner before very kindly asking ...the problem is even after 2 weeks of doing all of those methods and he still doesn't do it, that's when I finally snap - I jump in and do it myself because at the end of the day someone has to do it,  and then I get upset - then he gets annoyed that I'm not being nice. Some of the things are not 'really important' but others are, and at the moment I am the one that has to do everything which I am beginning to resent. I don't even mind doing more than him it's just that he literally puts in no effort to show me he is even trying to do anything close to his fair share, and I feel like I am being taken for granted. If any big problems happen, instead of working as a team to sort them out together, he avoids it because he knows at the end of the day I will jump in and find a way to deal with all by myself (which is a lot of stress and pressure for me, and then on top of that I get upset because he doesn't seem to care).

     

    Sorry I know I sound like I'm ranting - I really really want to make this work and go back to the relationship we used to have and I'm just completely lost in how to get there. I don't know what caused such a sudden change (I have asked) 

     

    xx

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    That's ok, I went through a stage of writing how I was feeling in a notepad and  leaving it somewhere for him to read it (on his own) - the bathroom is a good place.  Leave him and pen and see if he replies.

    I found I had to take a back step, I didn't want to be seen as a 'mum figure' and realistically they don't want to be treated like a child.  They are their own person and with men 'they want to be the ones to make decisions' - they need praise. A good book is 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' - it explains the differences between men and women and how they think.

    Worry about your things that affect you... If something crops up that he needs to sort out - let him figure it out on his own, in his own time.... Then if it goes wrong it is down to him.

    I tried to help before with my Fiancés paperwork etc but it wasn't welcomed... He was old enough to do it himself.  So I backed off.

    All you can do is say what you think and why something might be a good idea and the reason why.... Then back off.

    Please don't take offence to that but I found I worried about him and his stuff, that I forgot about me.

    Give it a go x

  • Bagersbetty,

    Thank you you so much, I haven't taken offence at all - everything you have said makes perfect sense and I'm just glad to hear you have been through something similar and managed to work through it. Especially the part about being a mum figure - which I absolutely hate being - and you are right, I worry so much about his problems that I put mine aside which just causes more stress and upset. I'm just going to have to learn to let him make mistakes so that he takes action himself and hopefully in time we will come up with a better balance and start to work more as a team.

    I really like the notepad idea so will give it a go and I've heard about the book before too so will also have a read of that. 

    Thanks again for your help - I'm sure it will be hard work but the future is looking a bit more promising Knowing I'm not alone! Xx

     

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    I think it's natural for a woman to 'mother', our instincts are to help, support and to be honest - we like being in control!!! Unfortunately though, men don't like that!

    They like being seen as the provider, the giver, they like to get praise for what they do - they want to be the ones to support their wives.  Give him a chance to do that.  It is hard but at the end of the day it's about finding the right balance.

     

    x x

  • Absolutely no idea if this will help, as an engagement present a friend gave me a copy of 5 love languages by Gary Chapman, It's about how you can maintain a long marriage and how to deal with falling out of love, I've read it and to be honest it's a terrible gift for a newly engaged couple as the basic message is you will fall out of love at some point, but it has lots of case studies about how when this has happened, couples have learnt how to communicate properly again and rekindled their love - It's probably a load of rubbish, but might be worth reading just in case?

  • I've read both of the books already posted and they are good reads, to a point. But my guess is you need some kind of immediate relief. I would suggest finding yourself a marital counselor/ therapist. You are right, your first year of marriage should be an adjustment, but a happy year. It shouldn't be hell. 

    What concerns me more than you nagging him/ him not liking being nagged, is when you say you love him but you don't necessarily feel in love with him. Reading a book won't change that. Counseling won't even change that. I had that feeling with my now ex-husband:  I loved him, but more like a brother or a cousin. We fought a lot over petty things, never had sex (sound familiar?). After seven years, we divorced.  We tried counseling every other year, but counseling couldn't change how I felt. But it did help me finally sort out my feelings. I just wish I had figured it out sooner as that was a total of 10+ years of my life lost. 

    My OH now... yes, it's funny because the ONLY thing we ever argue about is the housework and such. BUT, I absolutely do feel in love with him. There is that passionate love, there is the admiration kind of love, the respect kind of love, the familiarity kind of love - ALL of it.   I think the best kind of relationships have a bit of all of these: the kinds that are all passion or all familiarity do not work.

    Find someone who can help you sort out what you really feel. It sounds to me to be more than a case of who remembered to send payment for the rent or who left the dirty dishes in the sink.

  • Lucy266Lucy266 Posts: 176

    I have to agree with the above thoughtful post. There is a huge difference between arguments about housework and nagging vs not feeling in love and losing all interest in sex in the first year of marriage. There are things you can do to help with the small stuff but I don't think you can solve this alone. In some areas you can get relationship counselling on the NHS. Good luck x

  • I have to say I agree with the two posts above. I am now on my second marriage, my first marriage failed when my ex husband got injured and suffered from ptsd, but it wasn't that that ended our marriage, it was how I loved him like my child I was responsible for. Once you stop having sex, the dynamics of a relationship change. I think go to counselling, ideally as a couple, but if not then just on your own so you can talk through what's going on in your head. I've got a blog, link below, about my experiences which might be worth a read?

    Hope you are OK xx

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