Fiancé won’t let my son be a junior groomsmen

My fiancé firstly has said me MOH can’t do a speech which she was planning to do as it’s only traditional for BM but is acted like I should tell her no. this already wound me up but he is now saying my 10 year old son can’t be a junior groomsman as the groomsman are his choice and I’m being demanding and controlling. I pointed out his daughter is being a bridesmaid and he said he didn’t ask for that it was my own choice but he’s not having my son being a junior groomsman and that’s final so I’m to stop pretending he is (I had assumed my fiancé was happy with him being as he was there when son was fitted for suit). He says he will even go as far as to making sure everyone knows at the wedding that my son isn’t one of his groomsman (which seems cruel to me on my son and I feel he’s pushing him out the wedding). I said that he could always be ring bearer instead but my fiancé says no as his best man is passing the rings and I’m to stop making up roles for my son. 

am I being too demanding, it’s really giving me doubts as it’s now making me feel he’s pushing my son out, doesn’t care about who’s feelings he hurts and isn’t accepting of me n my son as a package (which has really taken me a back). 

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  • Becky65Becky65 Posts: 8

    I think you are being completely justified in how you are feeling!

    Your son important to you and you want him to be a part of the day. I don't know how to advise to resolve the issue but personally I would not be asking for my child to be involved I would be explaining that he will be involved. Although groomsmen are his choice, your situation is not standard and some sensitivity and flexibility needs to be had to ensure that your child feels included and welcomed to the day.

     

     

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    It sounds like he's being pretty awful. Your son is a child and part of the package. There's a lot of give and take in wedding planning. It sounds like the giving is unilateral in your planning and that's not how a team/family works.

    Good luck. X

  • Jasmine21Jasmine21 Posts: 53

    I am so sorry to hear this. I think you need to sit down and speak to your fiancé and find out why he is acting in this way. What is your fiancé‘s and son’s relationship like? 

    I think your fiancé is being incredibly hurtful to your son. It is important that they have a good relationship with each other and being a mini groomsmen should be a way to bond. If you are going to be a family he has to accept your son and he should know that and did know that when he asked you to marry him surely.

    i am sorry if this isn’t helpful, as someone with step parents (good and bad) this is probably close to home for me as I am seeing it from your son’s side. 

    as I said I think you need to sit down and have a talk. sending hugs x

  • Mila-rose3Mila-rose3 Posts: 264 New bride

    Demanding 😮. If my fiance done that to my son, he would be out of our house with his bags packed quicker than anything. Your poor boy, you can tell he means the world to you, please stand up for your son, if he is doing this while planning your wedding, I dread to think what else he has done

     

  • Bride10Bride10 Posts: 8

    Thanks for the responses. generally  relationship with my son is fine, my son likes my fiancé and they get on. My fiance can get agitated and huff and puff If my son doesn’t listen to me first time I ask him to do something or tell him to stop doing something, but my sons a good kid and listens majority of time So normally not an issue.

    A general issue of my fiances is he can be really stubborn if he think I’m trying to “control” him (ie. I ask him to do the hoovering if he has a day off work seen as I spend my days off work cleaning). He seems to think I’m being unreasonable by trying to control who he has in his wedding party. He just won’t seem to listen when I try saying I’m not being unreasonable n I shouldn’t even have to ask for my son to be included  it should be a given n it’s a perfectly reasonable request. He just says it not our kids wedding day it’s Ours. 

    I don’t think he would take me seriously if I told him I don’t want to marry him if my son can’t be part of the wedding but that’s honestly how I feel. I’m quite shocked by how he’s acting and didn’t expect it at all. I wouldn’t dream of treating his daughter this way. 

  • mrsdivinemrsdivine Posts: 161 New bride

    ‘He says he will even go as far as to making sure everyone knows at the wedding that my son isn’t one of his groomsman‘. That is not stubborn behaviour, it is cruel, malicious and deeply concerning. 

  • Bride10Bride10 Posts: 8

    I know it’s concerning. Yesterday I was excitedly counting down the 10 weeks to my wedding day and today I feel like if it wasn’t for all our family n friends spending a fortune to come to Italy i would have called it off. That’s how hurt I am and shocked he could make my son feel rejected n hurt and not care.

  • Dress your son in the suit anyway and say he’s part of your bridal party, sent him down the aisle with a bridesmaid as you perhaps would with a flower girl. It’s your choice who you have accompanying you. 

  • shanmia35shanmia35 Posts: 65
    Bride10 wrote (see post):

    I know it’s concerning. Yesterday I was excitedly counting down the 10 weeks to my wedding day and today I feel like if it wasn’t for all our family n friends spending a fortune to come to Italy i would have called it off. That’s how hurt I am and shocked he could make my son feel rejected n hurt and not care.

    Not inconveniencing family and friends isn’t a reason to get married. This is your life and it’s a huge commitment so you need to go into it because you want to.

    If it was your FI just being a bit resistant to what he perceives as you being a bit pushy, I might suggest asking him to think of a role your son can play in the wedding, so he feels a bit more in control of the decision.

    HOWEVER, as someone else has said, him saying that he will go out of his way to ensure everyone knows your son isn’t part of the wedding is incredibly cruel and so unnecessary, so I do think there may be a bigger issue here. I would never ever dream of saying anything like that about my stepson-to-be.

    Has he previously demonstrates this kind of malicious behaviour or is this a one-off?

  • Kitty12Kitty12 Posts: 119 New bride

    I have to agree with mrsdivine, this is really concerning behaviour. I think if it were me, I’d be having serious thoughts about the future of the relationship. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like he’s actually the one who’s controlling here. Your requests sound completely reasonable, and he’s making you feel like you’re being the controlling one? Is this kind of behaviour going to continue?

    Please think carefully about this, and have a serious talk with him, I’m really worried it may be the start of a slippery slope. 

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    As a survivor of a controlling relationship please get out. 

    My ex always blamed me for his affairs, it was always my fault. It took me years and counselling to realise it was him. He still controls me now through our daughter. But I’m now stronger and answer back. A very dangerous thing to do as I normally get a long essay text me saying how he doesn’t agree with me, that I’m lying etc. 

     

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Wow, he sounds like a nasty, awful human being. I’m afraid if anyone behaved like that about my child hed be straight out the door and wouldby be coming back. Threatening to humiliate a child in front of all the guests? Huffing and puffing if he doesn’t do as he’s told straight away? Refusing to let him be a groomsman? And refusing to hoover up coz hes sees it as you controlling him?

    How many big red flags do you need? I don’t mean to say that nastily, but you deserve  better, and it’s your responsibility as a mother to make sure you’re children aren’t brought up in this sort of environment and believing this is normal behaviour.

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    I agree that inconveniencing guests is NOT a reason to get married! They can still have a wonderful holiday to Italy I’m sure! 

    When i first read this post I had assumed a troll had written it due to the manipulative behaviour that was being described. I really suggest that you think twice about marrying this guy. I know that this may be just one example and he’s a lovely guy most of the time BUT it’s the other times that will ruin and destroy your relationship and affect your son. 

    Your son should automatically be part of the wedding or, if not, after you’ve said it’s important to you he is added. your h2b allowed you to get him fitted and buy a suit that he was not going to let him wear. That is a major worry - what person does that to his b2b or a child? 

    And for him to say he will tell everyone He’s not part Of the wedding party is disgusting. Your friends and family will be very worried about your marriage before the day is even over. 

    Like we all are here xx

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride

    If it were me in the situation, I would call off the wedding. Regardless of how much it would inconvenience guests... My cousin cancelled his wedding 2 weeks before and 6 months later no one even thinks about it. 

    I know we've not got the full picture but from what you've said he sounds so much like my abusive ex and generally a nasty nasty man. 

    As has been said, it shouldn't have even been a request for him to be involved it should have been a given. And no it isn't just about you 2... It's about you becoming a blended family. If he can't see that and can't respect your son then he can gtfo. My son comes before literally anyone and if my fiance did anything like that (although he's his dad so a bit different) he'd be out on his ass.

    Having said all that and strongly recommending that you leave him, if you're determined to get married, have your son walk you down the aisle. Have him keep the grooms ring to pass to you. Best man can keep your ring and pass it to your fiancé but no reason why you can't have your own ring bearer. If he's old enough, have him make a speech or do a reading. Make him a bridesman. Your fiancé has no control over that! He will control the rest of your life if you stick around but you can control who's in your bridal party at least.

    Do you have friends or family you could stay with if you left? Do you have your own money? If you have joint money and decide to leave, take your half before you tell him you're leaving in case he tries to keep it from you.

    Good luck whatever you choose to do xxxxx

  • Bride10Bride10 Posts: 8

    Hi,

    the plan was my son would walk down aisle with h2b daughter then go stand with groomsmen. H2b doesn’t have an issue with him wearing suit or walking down aisle but when it came to ordering the gifts / wedding favours, I had Junior Groomsman engraved on my sons.

    it is at this stage my h2b started booting off saying not to call him that as he wasn’t one of his groomsmen and I’m to stop calling him that as the groomsmen are his choice, etc.

    it just seems incredibly petty over a ”label” which  find incredibly hurtful when it would make my son feel included to have a title in the wedding. Can’t see why h2b being so stubborn and petty over a title / label when it won’t actually change how the day operates. 

     it was when I said I would be giving my son the engraved gift whether he likes it or not at the wedding that he said he would make sure people knew he wasn’t a groomsman. I don’t even think he would say anything of the sort on the day, it just seems like he is acting like a teenager who hasn’t got his own way but surely he should realise that it would ruin my wedding day n hurt my sons feelings if he overheard him.

    and it has come as a shock as it’s not how I expected him to act. He makes an effort to get on with my son generally and plays on the PlayStation with him Etc. so it’s completely thrown me as I agree with the above comments, that i would not have got engaged to someone who I thought was being funny with my son. This is why I think the issue is more that I’ve said I want someone as a groomsmen rather than who that someone is if that makes sense.

    thanks all

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398

    Please don't get married just because people have paid to travel already. I'm sure your family would rather have spent out unneccassarily than see you or your son unhappy in an abusive and controlling relationship.

    I sort if hey the idea that the wedding is about the 2 of you not the children. My h2b says the same thing... everything else we do is about the kids and he wants the wedding to be about us but at the same time one of the first things we decided was what roles the kids would play in the wedding and we keep them up to date on all the planning, they have been to the venue, met the photographer helped pick dresses and suits etc. 

    I think it's really important that your h2b hears how your feeling, if he won'  listen write it down so he can read it. If he still continues with that attitude towards your son id strongly advise leaving the relationship. Have an "escape plan" in place so that you and your son have somewhere to go, have a bag of essentials packed to take with you and money to keep you going while you get sorted.

    I wish you all the best and hope that things work out the best for you and your son x

  • redhair82redhair82 Posts: 289 New bride

    Oh my goodness this is awful, why would your husband be so cruel? While groomsmen are "traditionally" the groom's choice, your son MUST be involved in the wedding, as must his daughter. That's just being inclusive and supporting your extended families. Your husband I am sorry to say sounds incredibly cruel, and I would seriously consider whether he should be a part of your and your son's lives. I would reconsider the wedding. Your son is far more important, and think about the effect this will have on him. If not now then further down the line. x

  • MrsS2019MrsS2019 Posts: 137 New bride

    If a guy I was engaged to did that to my sons I’m sorry but I would be packing his stuff up and booting him out the door. Why would you even put up with that sort of behaviour towards your son even if it was once as what he is saying is cruel and he obviously can’t see that he’s getting both of you not just you. I would feel bad if I cancelled and people had paid for travel and accommodation but I would feel better knowing I hadnt committed myself to someone who could be so blatantly mean to my children. Your requests are not outrageous it’s his response that is. 

  • I agree with all of the ladies above, esp mrsdivine and MrsS2019. There is no good excuse for this behaviour.  It's not acceptable in the context of the wedding and may be the beginning of larger issues. 

    I've been a stepparent twice, and good bio parents always stand up for their children. You are the child's advocate. His needs -including his need to feel included and accepted - come first. Having an appropriate role in your wedding is vital to him feeling included in this new family situation and vital to his self esteem. 

    Your h2b's attempt to exclude him, and worse his comments about outing him as a faux-groomsman, are beyond bizarre and unacceptable. Plainly, he's acting like a child and someone that isn't ready to be a stepparent. If he's acting this ridiculous over something as petty as picking wedding roles, how is going to act over big decisions that impact your child in the future?

    PLEASE don't proceed with this wedding because of the costs or the fear of inconveniencing your guests. I did that with my first marriage. I expressed to my mother that I had doubts a few weeks before the big day, and she urged me to reconsider. But I felt like it was too late to stop a moving train. I didn't want to upset people and have family out the money already spent. I went ahead with it and was unhappy for years and we ended up divorcing. If you have doubts -which you should - don't go through with it.

    Mistreating your stepson in this way is a major red flag and definitely a sign that you should reconsider marrying this person.  I treat my stepchildren exactly as I would my own and any man you're with should do the same.

     

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    You and your son deserve better. Please walk away from this man. X

  • MrsNH17MrsNH17 Posts: 644 New bride

    Whilst it is your wedding and not the kids, it’s a family occasion and that’s where the joy of the day is - everyone having a great time together and feeling included! Plus as a blended family whether he likes it or not the kids need to be considered, included and thought about as their life is changing too.

    As a stepparent myself (and we’ve just had a baby together) the stepkids did feel like the wedding was about them too and at times even took over (choosing all the cake flavours at our appointment, I barely got a word in they were so giddy) - and that was great - as they were so excited and so looking forward to me and their dad getting married. They were my bridesmaids and got ready with me and the adult bridesmaids (they were age 8 and 10) and each of them did a beautiful reading at the ceremony and it honestly made it really special having these two little girls so over the moon about the day. I think your fiancé should be doing what he can to include your son - it would be awful if your son felt left out and it’s not as though your son can possibly take over the wedding, but he can be given small roles that will make him feel special without really rocking the boat or totally changing plans. its important for the future relationship and your fiancé is frankly being petty - who gives a monkies about the label if it helps your son be excited about it all? Why wouldn’t he want that?!

  • Leannjuly18Leannjuly18 Posts: 179

    I was with someone for 6yrs, was controlling and his behaviour was v.similar of your fiance. I v.almost got married to him. Luckily no kids were involved so I no longer have to see him. Started off as controlling and verbally abusive which turned into him being physically abusive. Please don't marry this man. He sounds horrible and vindictive. My ex would be horrible to me then be really nice, apologise and make it up to me which always made me change my mind about leaving. Please leave, it doesn't get better, only worse if you put up with it!! Like others have said you and your son deserve better xx

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride
    Midd2Sturton wrote (see post):

    Dress your son in the suit anyway and say he’s part of your bridal party, sent him down the aisle with a bridesmaid as you perhaps would with a flower girl. It’s your choice who you have accompanying you. 

    I totally agree with this!

    How do you get on with his mum?  If you get on really well I would bring up the fact you would have loved your son to be a groomsman..... See what she says.

  • Get same suit make him your page boy , he has his own special job , but yeah agree with others I'd go mental if told my boy couldn't be something xx

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    Bride10, its really worrying that u seem to be totally ignoring all the messages about controlling behaviour, abusive relationships and red flags....

    Are u really sure you want to tie urself and ur family to this man?

    Are u OK?

  • Bride10Bride10 Posts: 8

    Hi. I’m not ignoring messages, I have read them i just didnt realise people were expecting me to write back to each message. 

    as I had said it has thrown me because it was unexpected with there no being any other signs of an issue with my son, etc. The relationship is otherwise ok. 

    My h2b has said he sees me as trying to control His choices of who are his groomsmen. It seems more stubbornless over the label rather than pushing my son out as in changing the plans for him to be involved on the day.

    I’ve made it clear that to be stubborn, childish and petty over something  so hurtful and important is making me not want to marry him and that if he can’t accept my son as a junior groomsmen then there wont be a wedding as that’s how important it is to me that my son is involved and treated as an equal to his daughter. His childish response to this was that i should not let his daughter be a bridesmaid then and That he doesn’t feel the need for our day to be about the kids.

    ive made it clear I disagree n I won’t be backing down on this one. we currently aren’t on speaking terms 

  • Oh Bride10, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I hope the two of you are able to work this out.

    If the resolution doesn't come, at least you found out now before you'd tied your life to his.  Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    I'm so sorry ur going through this, I really hope it all works out in the end.

    I didn't mean u to answer each message individually, it just seemed like your ignoring what people were saying about the wider issues, and i was worried for u.  

  • Bride10Bride10 Posts: 8

    Thank you both. I’ve definitely been thinking about what everyone has been saying. after I’ve thought about it all I can’t help but think he’s said it because he’s unhappy that the Maid of honour took it upon herself to say she was doing a speach and because I hadn’t said no.

    i will leave it a few days and see if he comes to his senses.

    thank you all for your input and concern. It’s nice To have an independent view to reassure myself that it isn’t me being unreasonable or the controlling one x

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398

    I' so sorry to hear your going through all this but well done for standing up for you and your son! No matter how it turns out be proud that you did the right thing x

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