HELP! My friend's hen do will leave my family in debt!

Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride

So, one of my closest friends is having a hen do abroad. She is from a wealthy family and all her other friends are too, so they don't mind about the costs that are involved in this lush weekend. First of all there is a flight, plus villa (£100 a night - and my friend just booked it and landed it upon us, like 'Here is the link to the villa I booked, it's £100, hope okay with everyone). Plus there are costs of food, drinks, etc. I saved up, worked extra, and saved for all of that, with a bit of my husband's help as well. I actually started getting excited about it - I've never been to the island where we are going, it's a new experience, blahablahblah, all the positive self talk, and stopped thinking about all the money I'm spending to go there.

However, this morning there is a message from the bride in our chat group, to say she wants to go to this pool party, and the tickets are 250 euro per person, again - 'hope okay with everyone' A couple of people have already responded saying 'Yes, let's do it!' I on the other hand just want to scream!!! If I spend this much I will definitely be in debt, and I shouldn't have to be because my friend decided to get married! See, I'm getting all nasty and negative here, but it's hard not to, when she isn't even paying for our bridesmaids dresses (by the way, is it a thing - to pay for your bridesmaids dresses? Or is it just me?) Anyway, I would never ask anyone to spend this amount of money for a trip. I've already booked my flights and now I'm stuck with this extra huge spending, what do I do ladies...? What's the best way to say it? I don't want to be a party pooper and be the only one who says no to this...but I really can't afford it.

HELP!

Posts

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride

    Just say you can't afford the 250, but you are happy to amuse yourself for the day while they go. 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • I would just be honest about it. And maybe consider how much you mind about the pool party...if you are fine having some time out (which I potentially would be, sometimes you need some time away from other people on these trips), then suggest you are happy to sit it out and have some time to yourself. That way you aren't a party pooper but get the point across

    It's already an expensive trip and she must know roughly your situation if she is your friend. This might even alert her to the point that she maybe isn't thinking about expenses for everyone else. They may still go to the pool party or they may see it as an opportunity to reshape things. But don't put yourself in debt for the sake of someone elses wedding. 

  • also if you are in a group chat don't be afraid to message her privately and let her know if you don't want everyone else to know. Might be easier to explain. 

  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride
    MrsG2B Nov 2018 wrote (see post):

    I would just be honest about it. And maybe consider how much you mind about the pool party...if you are fine having some time out (which I potentially would be, sometimes you need some time away from other people on these trips), then suggest you are happy to sit it out and have some time to yourself. That way you aren't a party pooper but get the point across

    It's already an expensive trip and she must know roughly your situation if she is your friend. This might even alert her to the point that she maybe isn't thinking about expenses for everyone else. They may still go to the pool party or they may see it as an opportunity to reshape things. But don't put yourself in debt for the sake of someone elses wedding. 

     

    Hi hun, thank you for your advice...I'm only there for 2 days and if I sit this one out (it's a whole day/late evening pool party) then I will really only get to see her and everyone else the next day...I'll think about it...I've already texted her privately asking is it really 250 per person or have I misunderstood? Not sure if she'll get the gist from a message like this...

     

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    i think she's been unbelievably selfish and thoughtless, and if u could cancel the whole trip without losing money that's what i'd do.

    u need to be honest with her and say u can't afford it all.  there's no way u should be racking up debt 2 go along with an unneccessary party u weren't even consulted over.  its only a hen do for gods sake!

     

    and no, its not normal to make ur bridesmaids pay for their own dresses - especially not as she can obviously afford it

  • That's a load of money for 2 days :O Definitely see what she says and then explain to her more directly if she doesn't get the hint 

     

     

  • Michelle330Michelle330 Posts: 119

    Message the bride separately and explain after all the other costs the extra £250 is just a cost too far for you. Just tell her you will amuse yourself while he others go to the pool party. 

  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride
    Barbie3 wrote (see post):

    i think she's been unbelievably selfish and thoughtless, and if u could cancel the whole trip without losing money that's what i'd do.

    u need to be honest with her and say u can't afford it all.  there's no way u should be racking up debt 2 go along with an unneccessary party u weren't even consulted over.  its only a hen do for gods sake!

     

    and no, its not normal to make ur bridesmaids pay for their own dresses - especially not as she can obviously afford it

     

    Hiya, that's what I thought (about the dresses)...Anyways, another expense added to my list...:/

     

  • I think most people have already said that you should just be honest and let her know you can’t afford the trip, which I completely agree with. Maybe you could look into some cheaper alternatives for activities yourself and offer those up as a solution that you can all take part in. It would be a shame for you to miss out on such a big activity given you’re only there for such a short time. 

    In regards to the bridesmaid dress, I do think most brides pay for them but expect the bridemaid to pay for their own shoes and accessories (this is the case for me anyway). But, I have known a couple of brides ask their bridemaids to pay for everything. I think it depends on the personal circumstnace of the bride and maids though, so I find it is unusual that, given her financial position, she isn’t providing the dresses herself.

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride

    I would just be honest. She is being thoughtless but hopefully if you just say you can't afford it she will find something that everyone can be included in.

    After OH got into debt while I was on maternity leave to go on a stag do we agreed going forward that we will only go on stags/hens if the costs are reasonable, we can afford it and it isn't at the expense of a family holiday. I've missed 2 hen dos in the last 2 years because they didn't fit this criteria.

    I also ask upfront what the total cost of the whole trip will be, as I've agreed to a reasonable sounding trip before then every week there was another message on the Whatsapp group demanding more money! On that occasion I lost a £100 deposit by cancelling but I just couldn't afford the spiralling costs and would have spent an absolute fortune by going.

    Sorry you've been put in this position x

     

  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):

    I would just be honest. She is being thoughtless but hopefully if you just say you can't afford it she will find something that everyone can be included in.

    After OH got into debt while I was on maternity leave to go on a stag do we agreed going forward that we will only go on stags/hens if the costs are reasonable, we can afford it and it isn't at the expense of a family holiday. I've missed 2 hen dos in the last 2 years because they didn't fit this criteria.

    I also ask upfront what the total cost of the whole trip will be, as I've agreed to a reasonable sounding trip before then every week there was another message on the Whatsapp group demanding more money! On that occasion I lost a £100 deposit by cancelling but I just couldn't afford the spiralling costs and would have spent an absolute fortune by going.

    Sorry you've been put in this position x

     

    Hi dear...Thank you for your response. I know everybody is saying be honest, and I will have to be at this point. But thinking ahead, I can just see myself getting uncomfortable on that day, when I will know everybody wanted to go to that pool party, but now not going because I couldn't afford it...

     

     

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride
    Lara22 wrote (see post):
    Hi dear...Thank you for your response. I know everybody is saying be honest, and I will have to be at this point. But thinking ahead, I can just see myself getting uncomfortable on that day, when I will know everybody wanted to go to that pool party, but now not going because I couldn't afford it...

     

     

    What's more important.... ur pride or ur bank balance?

    If they care about u they'll do something else and have fun anyway, if they don't they will go without u

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride

     

    I can see your problem, but your only options are to be honest or get into debt......choose honesty, you won't regret it.

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride

    You need to tell her. If you don't, the only other option is to cancel without any reason (pretty sh*tty IMO) or stump up 250 euros that you can't afford. If she is a good friend, which she should be if you are her bridesmaid, she will understand.

    Also how much is the BM dress? The usual rule is he who pays gets a say. If you have to pay, send her cheaper options in the same colour scheme that you can afford. If she wants a more expensive one she should cover the cost. 

    This is why it is so important to set expectations at the start. When I spoke to my BMs I let them know what I would be paying for, in case budget was a reason for them not wanting to agree (it wasn't but anyway). The same should be done for the hen. 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    There's a good chance that other people might be taken aback at the costs too! Just because other people might seem wealthier, doesn't mean they actually are or have the spare cash floating around! Driving an expensive car, having a big house, going on holidays etc, people are still spending to their means the same as everyone else and coming up with that kind of money might be just as unwelcome for some of the others. I'd message the organised privately saying that as much as you'd love to come, it's much more than you'd anticipated for spending money on top of the other food drink etc you'll need and ask if there are any other options. Perhaps that's for getting a bed and minimum spend - you might be able to just pay entry separately and could pay for your own drinks separately? I'd definitely be honest - chances are you might not be the only one saying this and there's nothing worse than going to something like that with everyone sitting around sipping one warm drink all afternoon dreading their impending credit card bill because nobody can realllllly afford to be there but didn't like to say

  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):

    You need to tell her. If you don't, the only other option is to cancel without any reason (pretty sh*tty IMO) or stump up 250 euros that you can't afford. If she is a good friend, which she should be if you are her bridesmaid, she will understand.

    Also how much is the BM dress? The usual rule is he who pays gets a say. If you have to pay, send her cheaper options in the same colour scheme that you can afford. If she wants a more expensive one she should cover the cost. 

    This is why it is so important to set expectations at the start. When I spoke to my BMs I let them know what I would be paying for, in case budget was a reason for them not wanting to agree (it wasn't but anyway). The same should be done for the hen. 

     

    Thank you hun, I'm with you! If I had a hen do, I'd definitely make sure everybody is aware of what the costs are and would make sure I'd cover a cost for at least something - dinner, maybe a major part of the cost of this pool party, something. But somehow I doubt that'll happen :) I'll definitely tell her what my thoughts are and we'll go from there. The dress is around £90...Maybe I can sell it afterwards, it's quite pretty.

     

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride
    Lara22 wrote (see post):
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):

    You need to tell her. If you don't, the only other option is to cancel without any reason (pretty sh*tty IMO) or stump up 250 euros that you can't afford. If she is a good friend, which she should be if you are her bridesmaid, she will understand.

    Also how much is the BM dress? The usual rule is he who pays gets a say. If you have to pay, send her cheaper options in the same colour scheme that you can afford. If she wants a more expensive one she should cover the cost. 

    This is why it is so important to set expectations at the start. When I spoke to my BMs I let them know what I would be paying for, in case budget was a reason for them not wanting to agree (it wasn't but anyway). The same should be done for the hen. 

     

    Thank you hun, I'm with you! If I had a hen do, I'd definitely make sure everybody is aware of what the costs are and would make sure I'd cover a cost for at least something - dinner, maybe a major part of the cost of this pool party, something. But somehow I doubt that'll happen :) I'll definitely tell her what my thoughts are and we'll go from there. The dress is around £90...Maybe I can sell it afterwards, it's quite pretty.

     

    You might be able to sell it on ebay etc but I wouldn't bank on it unfortunately. 

    Just to add- I've never been on a hen do where the hen has covered the major cost of anything, quite the opposite in fact! Most hen dos I have attended (rightly or wrongly) the hen has paid for nothing. 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride
    Ashley72 wrote (see post):

    There's a good chance that other people might be taken aback at the costs too! Just because other people might seem wealthier, doesn't mean they actually are or have the spare cash floating around! Driving an expensive car, having a big house, going on holidays etc, people are still spending to their means the same as everyone else and coming up with that kind of money might be just as unwelcome for some of the others. I'd message the organised privately saying that as much as you'd love to come, it's much more than you'd anticipated for spending money on top of the other food drink etc you'll need and ask if there are any other options. Perhaps that's for getting a bed and minimum spend - you might be able to just pay entry separately and could pay for your own drinks separately? I'd definitely be honest - chances are you might not be the only one saying this and there's nothing worse than going to something like that with everyone sitting around sipping one warm drink all afternoon dreading their impending credit card bill because nobody can realllllly afford to be there but didn't like to say

     

    Hi Ashley, I'll definitely ask what others think, you do have a very valid point. Thank you, your advice eased my mind :)

     

  • Regarding bridesmaid dresses, standard convention (as far as I'm aware at least!) is that if the bride is choosing a specific dress/dresses then the bride covers the cost. If the bride is letting you choose your dress within the confines of a colour scheme/style then she can *ask* bridesmaids to pay for their dress. I chose dresses for my BMs (with their consultation!) and therefore I paid.

    With regards to the hen do, you have a couple of options

    1: Say the cost of the trip is spiralling out of control and potentially putting your family into debt and you feel its best if you pull out and simply join for wedding celebrations. (Potentially losing deposits but saving in the long run)

    2: You say you can't afford the (quite frankly ridiculously expensive) pool party but are happy to entertain yourself for the day if they want to go.

    3: You say you can't afford the pool party but present the group with other fun options that are more within your price range.

    4: (This one could be considered cheeky - depends on your bride friend!) You say you can't afford to go to the pool party as much as you'd love to go and hope that she/the group offer to pay your way. You could offer to pay back at a later date?

    Personally, I'd go with option 2 but I like my own company (particularly after long periods in group situations!). I also understand your trip is quite short so you'd feel like you were missing out on a big part of the trip.

  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):
    Lara22 wrote (see post):
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):

    You need to tell her. If you don't, the only other option is to cancel without any reason (pretty sh*tty IMO) or stump up 250 euros that you can't afford. If she is a good friend, which she should be if you are her bridesmaid, she will understand.

    Also how much is the BM dress? The usual rule is he who pays gets a say. If you have to pay, send her cheaper options in the same colour scheme that you can afford. If she wants a more expensive one she should cover the cost. 

    This is why it is so important to set expectations at the start. When I spoke to my BMs I let them know what I would be paying for, in case budget was a reason for them not wanting to agree (it wasn't but anyway). The same should be done for the hen. 

     

    Thank you hun, I'm with you! If I had a hen do, I'd definitely make sure everybody is aware of what the costs are and would make sure I'd cover a cost for at least something - dinner, maybe a major part of the cost of this pool party, something. But somehow I doubt that'll happen :) I'll definitely tell her what my thoughts are and we'll go from there. The dress is around £90...Maybe I can sell it afterwards, it's quite pretty.

     

    You might be able to sell it on ebay etc but I wouldn't bank on it unfortunately. 

    Just to add- I've never been on a hen do where the hen has covered the major cost of anything, quite the opposite in fact! Most hen dos I have attended (rightly or wrongly) the hen has paid for nothing. 

     

    What lucky hens! :) Anyways, thank you for all the advice, I'm feeling much more comfortable to speak my mind now, than I was this morning.

     

  • Lara22Lara22 Posts: 8 New bride

    MrsRendall2B haha that's very cheeky :) Thank you for the advice, I think what I'll do is research other fun options and offer that instead. Others might appreciate that too, saving a bit of $$ never hurts :)

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    I definitely second presenting other ideas to the hen organiser - maybe there are other pool parties etc? She probably is just getting carried away and excited with plans and will hopefully be kind about this and looking in to other options but it can be very hard to please everyone and people constantly batting down ideas but coming up with no helpful suggestions can be stressful! So I'd definitely go armed with some other suggestions that might be more affordable so that it's not all on the one person organising.

  • Lara22 said:

    So, one of my closest friends is having a hen do abroad. She is from a wealthy family and all her other friends are too, so they don't mind about the costs that are involved in this lush weekend. First of all there is a flight, plus villa (£100 a night - and my friend just booked it and landed it upon us, like 'Here is the link to the villa I booked, it's £100, hope okay with everyone). Plus there are costs of food, drinks, etc. I saved up, worked extra, and saved for all of that, with a bit of my husband's help as well. I actually started getting excited about it - I've never been to the island where we are going, it's a new experience, blahablahblah, all the positive self talk, and stopped thinking about all the money I'm spending to go there.

    However, this morning there is a message from the bride in our chat group, to say she wants to go to this pool party, and the tickets are 250 euro per person, again - 'hope okay with everyone' A couple of people have already responded saying 'Yes, let's do it!' I on the other hand just want to scream!!! If I spend this much I will definitely be in debt, and I shouldn't have to be because my friend decided to get married! See, I'm getting all nasty and negative here, but it's hard not to, when she isn't even paying for our bridesmaids dresses (by the way, is it a thing - to pay for your bridesmaids dresses? Or is it just me?) Anyway, I would never ask anyone to spend this amount of money for a trip. I've already booked my flights and now I'm stuck with this extra huge spending, what do I do ladies...? What's the best way to say it? I don't want to be a party pooper and be the only one who says no to this...but I really can't afford it.

    HELP!


    Wow.. This is too much from her side. I think she need to know that not anyone are rich.
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