Need a reality check I think!

Sorry for the slightly long post!

To give you a brief background we're getting married in Essex in September this year after a fairly long enagagement so we could get enough money together to pay for our wedding as we're paying for the majority ourselves.  We have a small circle of friends but quite a large family (who we have to invite but aren't that close with). I've got 4 bridesmaids and a young flower girl anywayyy...

I'm starting to get depressed and anxious when I think about the wedding and there's a few reasons why:

1) since getting engaged 3 of my bridesmaids are now pregnant and will be very very new mums on the day.  This is making me anxious about hen-do plans (i have a very small friendship group so these girls are key to my hen) and are likely to not be able to drink or not want to - which is completely fair enough but I really wanted a boozy drunken hen-do with my fave girls.  I'm also extremely worried that due to baby commitments they might not be able to make the day itself or have to go home early. I'm not a mum and these girls will be new mums so although they are saying now everything will be fine, reality i think will be a lot different and it's worrying me. Also, some of the girls are saying that the bridesmaids dresses I've bought will be fine to keep as they will diet to fit into them but I'm worrying that they won't fit and with such a small gap between births and the wedding I won't have any time to get replacements!

2) we didn't want children at the wedding but now we're having to have babies there - i would never say mums couldn't bring newborn babies - which is fine but just another change that's making me worry about parents not enjoying themselves or leaving extra early because of babies, crying during speeches and all of that sort of thing.   

3) my mum was supposed to be doing my flower bouquet but isn't now because she said it's too stressful. I don't want her to be stressed but it's a bit of a letdown.   

4) I'm an anxious person anyway and i'm worrying about people not being able to make it, my hen-do being rubbish and people not having a good time.

5) I'm currently studying for a degree and will be studying all the way up until the wedding and then after for an exam a few weeks after the wedding takes place - this was unexpected and not planned when we set the date - this is also making me stressed and really taking the shine off the planning process as i'm not able to commit much time to it plus the way i'm feeling at the moment I don't even want to plan.

I can appreciate these sound like such trivial things but I wish me and H2B had just eloped just us 2 instead which we can't do now because of deposits paid ages ago and the feeling of letting people down.  I feel like it's all just making me really stressed and unhappy and the run up should be exciting shouldn't it? I think I just need a bit of a reality check maybe that none of this matters?! Even typing it all out has made me feel slightly better but I just hate feeling this way.


  • MrsS2019MrsS2019 Posts: 134 New bride
    Maybe you should have a weekend away with your partner or just a couple of days not thinking about the wedding or anything. Children can be difficult at a wedding having 2 myself however newborns and young babies will be much easier because they mostly sleep and only tend to wake up for milk or a nappy change, things which can be dealt with quickly and easily. 

    You can still have a great hen do. I was pregnant with my 2nd when my friend had hers and she planned it before I knew I was pregnant but I still had great fun and didn't drink (still went to a couple of bars though). So being pregnant doesn't have to completely ruin your plans just maybe adjust them. My hen do is an all day thing so spa day, then a meal out in the evening, then going out for drinks/cocktails afterwards so there's something for everyone. 

    I am also studying for a degree whilst planning and having my wedding so I can understand the stress of it. My best advice would be to see if you can get an extension on any assignments due around then or see if you can get ahead of it and get them submitted before your wedding I've got one due a week after my wedding! Best thing with studying is being organised! And only those who are studying and planing a wedding can understand how stressful it can actually be. I had to take a break for a month from studying due to an injury I had received and family situations so wasn't the best and that really put me back. I've just managed to catch up working every night over the past 2 weeks. So take a break and focus on one or the other at a time and leave your bridesmaid to it, there's nothing you can really do if they decide they don't want to do something (stressful as it can be for you) and just have some back up plans just in case.
  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 431 New bride

    I totally understand where you are coming from as I was in the exact same situation about six months ago. Like you I suffer from anxiety, and the wedding planning was all getting too much. I think this is all perfectly normal.

    We had a long engagement so by the time our wedding came along there were five new babies in the group. Two of my three bridesmaids became pregnant during the engagement (one had a new-born at the wedding, the other was still pregnant).

    I was making my own bouquets and worried they would look rubbish and wouldn't be done in time.

    I was also studying a degree at the time and had my dissertation due a couple of months after the wedding.

    I know it seems like a nice idea to just disappear and elope and forget all the wedding stuff, but you would regret it afterwards, I think! Due to all these things, my wedding day wasn’t perfect, but it was still wonderful, and I’m sure it will be the same for you.

    My hen party was not the drink-fest I had hoped for, but my friends had still made the effort for me. We had to have it three months early due to the bridesmaid’s pregnancy, and several other friends weren’t able to come at all due to new-borns. I then tried to organise a cocktail night on my husband’s stag night, but that fell flat on its face because of either new-born babies, newly announced pregnancies, and a break up which resulted in one of the bridesmaid’s leaving the country that week! So I never got my big alcohol party that I desperately wanted before I got married.

    On the wedding day, the new-born baby had to be factored into the ‘getting ready’ party, and only two of us were able to drink the Bucks Fizz I had bought for the occasion.

    At the ceremony I was aware of screaming children a lot of the time. At the reception, a lot of people had to leave early to get their little ones home.

    But the fact is, there is absolutely nothing we could do about any of this. People have still made the effort to be there for us, even though some had to leave early. And we still had an amazing time with all the people who weren’t child-laden!

    I have found that (being one month post-wedding) all the things I thought would upset me on the day haven’t bothered me much at all. Yes, I wish people could have stayed longer, or drank, or could have heard the readings in the service, but you can’t stop these things from happening. Just like you can’t stop people being ill and having to pull out last minute.

    Unfortunately I don’t have much advice, because I know exactly how you feel (I was cursing the universe whenever anything beyond my control happened that affected our perfect day!), but I can say that once you get to the other side, you will realise you still had an amazingly special day, despite everything that didn’t go how you wished it would.

    In regards to the degree, I had to withdraw temporarily from it as I was falling behind with work. Is this an option for you? Check with your student union rep about the university’s special circumstances policy to see if there is anything that can help ease the pressure.

  • I'm glad it's not just me who felt this way :) thanks for your support ladies, your messages made me feel a lot less alone in this! xx
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