How involved is your other half in the planning?

So I've seen this question on here before, I think - but after searching I haven't found it.

Obviously the majority of us posting here are ladies. Most of you are so wonderful organised I can't imagine you're doing it all on your own. And if you are: blimey! Well done!

So I wonder, how involved is your other half? Does he just do the planning, and do you do most of the doing? Or is it all split equally? And if not, do you *like* doing it all/mostly all?


Posts

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,753 New bride
    I basically do it all. My fiance isn't interested in anything apart from the venue and food which we chose 2 years ago. The odd tasks I have given him I've had to nag him incessantly to get any action. He has had input in to a few things, like the cake, but basically I research things and present him with options and he trlls me which he likes.
    He works very long hours and helps otherwise with house and kids so I'm not too bothered.
  • Sci-Fi NerdSci-Fi Nerd Posts: 52 New bride
    @MrsCToBee - see, that division of labour I completely understand. As he works long hours and is otherwise helping out with the house and kids. So that means that overall you are doing more work on the wedding, but maybe it's a bit more balanced overall since it sounds like you work fewer hours? (If I have that right!)

    Excuse the coming rant...but my fiance does very little on his own. He doesn't even instigate any wedding chat until I do. Then when I start bringing up things we need to do he makes all the right noises - and then it ends up being me that handles everything or gives him a specific task to do. It's a toss up: sometimes he will do that without me reminding him. Often, he won't. 

    Unfortunately, we are actually planning TWO ceremonies. One he has not at all been involved in - I've pretty much done all of it. The bigger one he has had some minimal inputs on. But I found the venue, photographer, band, liased with suppliers and have since taken charge of all communications. He can't even be bothered to update the spreadsheet (and yes, I built the spreadsheet).

    What drives me absolutely freaking bonkers is that I run two businesses. I work about 60+ hours a week, I am rarely home before 9pm and I even work most weekends (definitely every Saturday). He works mostly 9-5, very occasionally to 6pm.  And - here's the kicker - I absolutely, categorically, did not want a wedding. I literally begged him not to have one (let alone two!). But he insisted over and over and over that he absolutely must have a wedding- and now I am doing all the bloody work. No matter how many times I ask for him to take the lead on things!

    I'm getting really fed up of this 🙄🙄...but I wanted to see if this is just the norm!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,753 New bride
    edited 5 April
    @MrsCToBee - see, that division of labour I completely understand. As he works long hours and is otherwise helping out with the house and kids. So that means that overall you are doing more work on the wedding, but maybe it's a bit more balanced overall since it sounds like you work fewer hours? (If I have that right!)

    Excuse the coming rant...but my fiance does very little on his own. He doesn't even instigate any wedding chat until I do. Then when I start bringing up things we need to do he makes all the right noises - and then it ends up being me that handles everything or gives him a specific task to do. It's a toss up: sometimes he will do that without me reminding him. Often, he won't. 

    Unfortunately, we are actually planning TWO ceremonies. One he has not at all been involved in - I've pretty much done all of it. The bigger one he has had some minimal inputs on. But I found the venue, photographer, band, liased with suppliers and have since taken charge of all communications. He can't even be bothered to update the spreadsheet (and yes, I built the spreadsheet).

    What drives me absolutely freaking bonkers is that I run two businesses. I work about 60+ hours a week, I am rarely home before 9pm and I even work most weekends (definitely every Saturday). He works mostly 9-5, very occasionally to 6pm.  And - here's the kicker - I absolutely, categorically, did not want a wedding. I literally begged him not to have one (let alone two!). But he insisted over and over and over that he absolutely must have a wedding- and now I am doing all the bloody work. No matter how many times I ask for him to take the lead on things!

    I'm getting really fed up of this 🙄🙄...but I wanted to see if this is just the norm!
    We both work full time but I work locally whereas he has a long commute and often has to work at home in the evenings too. He is lazy by nature so I have to ask him to do things a hundred times but after 9 years that's unlikely to change! 
     I also wanted to elope but he wanted the traditional wedding - but in fairness most of the added extras/decor items he really wouldn't care if we had or not, so if I want them, I sort them. 

    Why are you having 2 weddings? I'd give him a list of 'nice to have' rather than imperative items to sort, then if he doesn't, no real harm done.
  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 580 New bride
    Yep sounds like us tbh. I've planned pretty much the whole thing and asked for his input before agreeing final decisions. 
    He doesn't ask about stuff or give his input as he just doesn't think about it like I do!

    Is it annoying? Very, at times! But then I'm the one stressing over the details and want it how I want it. If he disagrees with something I ask for a solution or alternative or we discuss why I've done it like that.

    Looking forward to no more planning though! Roll on June 😊
  • Sci-Fi NerdSci-Fi Nerd Posts: 52 New bride
    edited 5 April
    @MrsCToBee - we're having two weddings because we're two different cultures. So one is for my family (a small one) and one is a big bash, registry one. My mum (who is very unwell) requested that we do the smaller one. It's a bit complicated because she won't feel like we're really 'married' if we don't do the smaller one - even though she's coming to the registry wedding. Small wedding = 30-40 guests. Registry wedding = 75 guests. So neither are huge but they're on two different days across the city.

    And honestly, she's so unwell I'd rather give her what she wants. I hear how that sounds...since it's my mum requesting it I should be the one to do more planning on that one. But then, the logic follows that he should do more planning for the registry wedding - since he requested that one!

    We're not really having a lot of decor to be honest. I'm not terribly visually creative and shopping bores me. This is why I haven't started a planning thread because it would be 5 posts long and done. You're all so creative and wonderful - all I can think about is "maybe fairy lights?🤔🤔🤔" - haha! 

    He's much more visually creative. He cares much more about design, the cake, the invites, the look and feel. Etc etc. But unless I nag him into taking action - he really doesn't. And now all the suppliers have just started reaching out to me by default so I'm the one dealing with all the calls and emails. As I said, it's a bit of a rant. I suddenly had a rare evening off yesterday (home at 7, wohoo!), found myself doing wedding bits and got rather grumpy. 🤣🤣🤣

    I love the idea of the list. First, I will have to think of this list (lol) and then force him to sit down and do it. Thanks for putting up with my ranting!
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 733 New bride
    Aww, I'm sorry you're having to shoulder all of this by your self when it's not particularly what you wanted in the first place.

    To answer your question, I'd say I'm doing most if not all of the planning for our wedding but there's a few good reasons for that. My H2B works abroad for weeks/months at a time so it's kinda hard to pin him down to arrange stuff from such a distance and even the things he could do like calling suppliers etc. become difficult because of the time difference. But I also quite like being in control and I know I have a very solid vision of what I want the day to look like. God bless H2B but he's a typical man, he just isn't all that bothered about the finer details as long as we get married and there's food and drink 🤣

    That said, he definitely has an input. We made all of the big decisions together and he got really into picking out the invites, cake design, his outfit and puts up with my constant nattering on just about everything else. I feel bad because he feels like he misses out on a lot of it being away so we always make time when he gets back for a little catch up and I show him all of the things I've bought/arranged.

    With your H2B, would it be worth sitting down and ironing out what's left to do and assigning tasks to each of you? The key, if you're going to give him a list, is to put a date on it too. If you just put 'Order a suit' he'll leave it to the last minute so think about when stuff needs to be done by and put the 'due date' on your list for at least a month before that ;) That way, if he doesn't end up doing it, you're not rushing round at the last second.
  • I think it's completely normal for men to not get involved in the small stuff. I've been to loads of weddings over the last few years and very few of the men were bothered by stuff like the decor. My friends husband thanked his bride in the speech for organising such lovely surprises because he had no idea what she'd done!  :D

    Mine has been involved in picking the venue and meeting the photographer and florist but I arranged all the appointments. I've picked the invitations and decor. He thinks the wedding is ages away and we have loads of time, he's just not as excited as me about the little things!

    All he's said is he wants to pick the suits and the band and he wants to put some money behind the bar.

    To be honest my OH would have been happy to just live together unmarried, he doesn't think it will change anything as we've been together for years anyway. I know he's mostly doing this for me!


  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,753 New bride
    Yep, @cluelessbride01 , we joke that when my fiance arrives at our wedding it's all going to be as much a surprise to him as it is to everyone else  :D
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,028 New bride
    I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated with it! If its any consolation, anything that isn't solely for my "look" has to go by FH, he has STRONG opinion on everything. It's lovely and hes really invested in the day and making it just how we both want it, but its pretty annoying knowing i have to run every minor detail past him, even things like the shade of blue for the wax seals....
    I cant make a wedding purchase without having to run it by him, and then he sits there for a week umming and ahhhing until i get fed up and give him 10 minutes to say yes or no!
  • Sci-Fi NerdSci-Fi Nerd Posts: 52 New bride
    @MrsCToBee and @cluelessbride01...that's hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    @MrsRendall2B - that's a great idea about the deadlines. I think I'm probably guilty of not putting a firm deadline on things and then it trundles on. So by the time I notice it needs doing it's quite late! 
  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 722 New bride
    I think it's very sad we live in a society where women are generally expected to plan their weddings, and men are given a pat on the back if they "help". Wedding planning is so time consuming and stressful, so I think it is only fair if both of the couple input as equally as possible (taking into consideration whether both are in full-time work, etc.).

    The problem is that women generally have a better idea of what they want because they have probably thought about it long before even being engaged, so they often automatically take the lead. Also, in my experience, men tend to leave things to later, whereas women want to get it done quickly, so start looking for suppliers straight away, hence nagging the men to get on with it (sorry if I over-generalise on any of these points!).

    For me and my husband, we tried to split the responsibilities equally, but our mindsets were so different. I was thinking about the wedding all the time, so always organising stuff, whether I was emailing the caterers in my lunch breaks or looking on eBay for decorations whilst eating breakfast, or even keeping an eye out for ideas when I was out and about in the shops, whilst my husband didn't really think about what he needed to do till a few months before the wedding, which of course infuriated me because I wanted to know what was happening, and was worried all the good suppliers would be booked up!

    So even though we tried to divide the work equally, I still feel I did more work because I was the Project Manager, so to speak, and was always "nagging" him to get on with things, and even taking on some of the load to get him started (for instance, he claimed there were no companies nearby that had the car we wanted, so I had to Google companies and then send him links so that he could contact them!).

    I fully understand that many women don't mind (or in fact prefer!) to be in charge of organising the wedding, but it infuriated me so much when people asked me if my then-fiancé was "helping" me with the organising, and it infuriated me even more when I met with other couples where the men declared they were leaving it all to the woman so that she could do what she wanted. In their heads they probably thought they were being considerate, I thought they were just being lazy! At the end of the day, both people get to enjoy the wedding, so both should have reasonable input into creating it.

    Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant!
  • Sci-Fi NerdSci-Fi Nerd Posts: 52 New bride
    @omrun you literally hit every nail on the head there. I am a planner by nature (and one of jobs is actually planning) so I am super organised and tend to do things in advance. I also want to know things are ticked off. I can't relax if there are things that need to be done, that haven't been. They are hanging over my head a bit, if that makes sense. The other half tends to be more laid back about this. But he is very good at taking care of what he needs to when it comes to work and his hobbies, so I get absolutely infuriated that this is left to me to chivvy along. 

    When it comes the idea for the wedding: well, since I never wanted a wedding I never thought about it. My ideal day would be a ceremony with 2 witnesses and a meal with friends after! Now there's this horrible expectation that as a woman it's all down to us. Drives me absolutely bananas!!

  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,028 New bride
    Totally agree there! I never imagined myself getting married, and i always thought if i did it would be an elopement, just me and FH so i NEVER wanted this big party. 
    I cant really complain because my FH is so involved with it all, but i can assure you if he wasn't, and i hadn't wanted the "big" wedding, it just wouldn't be happening lol 
  • To be fair I don't mind. I know my OH just isn't interested in 90% of the stuff that goes with planning a wedding. He doesn't understand the stress because he's so laid back he's horizontal!

    To him as long as we have the ceremony, a decent meal, loads of booze and a good band he'll be happy. If I left the planning to him we'd have no flowers, no decorative bits and pieces and none of the other stuff that you don't really need anyway to get married so if I want it I'll have to organise it!
  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,295 New bride
    We have shared a lot of it but to be honest it's been me beavering away doing research, sending him options etc. To his credit he has rocked up to each and every meeting we have and has at least made all the right noises.

    I totally get the project manager analogy. I got to that point about 6 months ago, as it's also how our home life is. I basically gave him loads of "tasks", both home and wedding, which were the sh*t ones I didn't want to do. I explained that if I had to do all the thinking he was going to get stuck with what I gave him. He pulled his finger out pretty sharpish after.. 

    He's also been getting quite indignant that despite us having a joint wedding email, all emails being signed off from both of us, 80% of suppliers address emails to me solely. It's this ridiculous idea that wedding planning is a woman's work, which suppliers don't help with. 
    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • Sci-Fi NerdSci-Fi Nerd Posts: 52 New bride
    @CoffeeDogAddict that's so nice to hear! @GinAndBling - when we visited the town hall he got really irritated because everyone was addressing me! Which made me chuckle a fair amount. 

    I'm glad to know I am not the only one. It's just starting to feel very one-sided and considering how little interest I have in this, it's as if I'm saddled with planning something I would genuinely pay money to get out of. 
  • MrsPB2019MrsPB2019 Posts: 554 New bride
    I think my H2B has actually done the majority of planning. All big decisions have been made together but he’s been emailing suppliers etc. I think this is due to us having a DIY town hall reception and all I know is I want it to look pretty and H2B has made that vision a reality. He is a theatre techie for a job so I suppose that’s what he does. I’ve just got home from work and he was designing and printing signs for the venue and no I didn’t ask him to.
  • MrsW2020MrsW2020 Posts: 160 New bride
    I've definitely done all the research and found our suppliers but all our decisions have been made together so far and H2B has come along to every meeting. The only thing he's skipped so far was the wedding fair but that was fine by me because I got a nice girly day out! 

    I love planning and organising things so at the moment I'm really enjoying it and I'm happy with how we're sharing it, but I'm very aware that we're still in the fun stages of planning where we're making the big decisions and not getting bogged down by family politics and the logistics of getting 70 people from 3 countries to the same place at the same time! If you ask me again in 6 months I may have a different answer for you :joy:
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