Not looking forward to my own wedding...

Hi everyone, 

We have 8 weeks left until the wedding and I am feeling so overwhelmed and anxious about the wedding that I'm about to call it all off. This sounds ridiculous as I have been so excited for so long whilst preparing and organising. I just want to walk down the aisle to my lovely fiancé and walk out of the church with a husband but everything just seems to be getting me down, this one thing in particular. 

If if you have seen my thread before you will have seen my one titled "tell me if we're being unreasonable" this was about my fiancé's brother and his gf invite. After him not talking to us and being really childish for 2 months I decided we just needed to invite his gf to the whole day to save an argument. A few days later we had another family wedding, the whole day he was slagging me and The OH off about our wedding and not inviting his gf (even though we had) and by the end of the night he statutes shouting at me, which my father in law had to get involved. I didn't react to it I just told him not to speak to me like that because I don't talk to him like that. After that he argued with his gf and was calling her a "fat ugly slag". Anyway a couple of weeks later again with no contact and he turns up on my fiancé  stag do at the airport, fiancé didn't want to cause a scene so let him go and gave him rules for the weekend. The boys seemed to have had a great time but my dad told me when he got back that one night my fiancé and his brother almost started fighting and my dad had to get between them and stop the fight (this pissed me off because my dad is no spring chicken although he likes to think he is! And he could have been hurt). My fiancé didn't initially tell me about this until after my dad had told me. 

Basically my my fiancé loves his brother and doesn't want to upset him but now I'm so deflated about the things that have happened. His brother is still not talking to me and has not apologised after shouting at me, however my fiancé is talking to him fine with no problems even after everything has happened. I'm really anxious about seeing him as I haven't seen him since he shouted at me and don't want the first time to be at the wedding (trying to organise a meal one weekend before with my fiancé his brother and gf.) I'm really worried if anything happens at the wedding and can't seem to push this feeling, to the point that I really don't want to go to my own wedding :( 

My parents have said just to stop worrying and nothing will happen but I can't shake the feeling, I just keep crying over it. 

Im sorry this is a long post. Any advice welcome :smile: thank you x


  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,341 New bride
    I'm sorry, that's a really awful position to be in. I think you need to be really blunt with your FH, and explain that the way his brother is treating you is unacceptable, and the fact he isn't trying to sort this for you is upsetting. 

    He really should be having your back on this and standing up for you, even against his family. I don't recall how old the brother is, but he sounds like a petulant child. Personally, if you're close to the future in laws id even mention it to them and get them to have a word. 

    I'm a hardass with things like this, but to me if it was making me feel as bad as it is you id be telling my FH and his family that if the brother doesn't apologise and promise to be on his best behaviour, he would be completely uninvited from the wedding, with the venue being aware he is to be removed from the premises if he turns up anyway. I know its not as easy as just doing that, but you're putting so much into this day, financially and emotionally, you deserve to love every second of it. 
  • Thank you so much @CoffeeDogAddict for your reply! I 100% agree with you, I explained to my FH last night that if it was anyone else that had spoken to me like that he would have had my back and sorted it immediately but he can't stand up to his brother. He is almost 30 btw! I also explained exactly how I feel and that if this isn't sorted the wedding will be called off. This morning he called his dad and his dad is furious that his brother has made me feel this way so has organised that we all meet up to try and sort this! FINALLY!!! (My future FIL doesn't get on with FH brother very well as he's always been very childish and had to bail him out with money, trouble etc. in the past) 

    Completely agree with what you said about putting so much in financially and emotionally! I really needed someone to validate my feelings. Thank you so much!! 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,341 New bride
    Oh bless you well i'm really glad it sounds like there's some steps forward with it! At nearly 30 its pathetic he is behaving in such a way! I thought he sounded 16! 

    fingers crossed it all goes well and he gets put in his place. It also might be worth mentioning to family that if he is there on the day you just don't want to know if anything happens or is said. Employ them to be a little barrier between him and you so you don't have to deal with his childish BS and you can enjoy the day.

    I imagine you'll be on such a high anyway you wont care what he says, but its good to preempt it where you can. 
  • Hi BallandChain19, 

    Time has moved along since your original post and hopefully you are in a happier space now. 

    Here's a little meditation / visualization exercise I wrote you might find helpful whenever you are gripped by fears about your guests, keeping them all happy, and hoping they don't make a scene or ruin your big day... 

    At the very least, it will give you something more concrete to do with your thoughts than fretting about people like your fiancé's brother, right? And can give you more of a feeling of control and influence over what's happening without getting into a lot of conflict at a time when you really don't need that! Good luck!


    "Meditation 11: MAKING A SCENE

    Unfortunately, every family tree has its share of miscreants, ne'er-do-wells, and reprobates. Hopefully, you pruned the more obvious prodigals and pariahs from your wedding invite list. 

    But there are always a few people that you cannot avoid inviting who will give you cause for worry. 

    Perhaps your fiancé’s oldest sister is notorious for getting the devil inside her when she’s had a drink or two? 

    Or your step-brother’s threat to give a speech revealing your sordid college days is giving you middle-of-the-night panic attacks?

    Let’s immediately douse the flames on that fear wildfire and take your mind to a happier place. 

    Rather than worry about someone making a scene at your wedding, we’ll invest that mental energy into setting the scene you want. 


    1. Relax into a meditative state using the 4-4-4-4 breathing method.

    2. Use your mind to scan the guest list and identify possible ‘threats’ – the person or people who worry you most.

    3. Take each person you are concerned about and imagine meeting with them. You can set up an informal coffee table in a pleasant space in your mind’s eye.  

    4. Visualize the person arriving, and treat them with great affection and care, as you imagine sitting down for drinks with them. 

    5. Imagine telling them how pleased and grateful you are that THEY are coming to your wedding. Explain how you intend your wedding to be. Tell them exactly what the atmosphere will be like, so they know what to expect and what is expected of them.

    6. Have them be very compliant and agreeable in your visualization, even if that is not how they seem in your real-life experience. Task them with the responsibility of helping to ensure that is how the wedding and reception is.  

    7. Ask them specifically to help you achieve it; say that you need their help, and you are relying on them to create a magical wedding experience for you and your fiancé, and for everyone present. Have them willingly accept the challenge. 

    8. If there are specific things that worry you about this person, take steps in your visualization to counter that threat. Have the bad drunk behave with sobriety, moderation and respect. See your often-tactless friend behaving herself impeccably. 

    9. Does your mother appear to detest your mother-in-law? Do you worry your wasp-tongued snobbish aunt will give loud voice to her opinion that the groom’s family are rude and uncouth? Whatever causes you fear, aim a giant mental vacuum cleaner at it, turn it on full force, and see it sucking all the poisons and toxic vibes out of your guests, leaving them clear, calm, happy and loving. 

    10. Whenever a picture of your wedding or reception guests come to mind, give it a quick mental spray of polish. Then wipe it over so that all the grime and worry is removed, and it’s left bright and shiny!

    11. Paint the picture of how you want your wedding to be. Set the scene you want. See it unfolding with everyone getting along, having fun, and being loving and joyous together. Make THAT the intention, and that’s exactly how it will turn out."

    Wishing YOU happiness and a smooth journey up the aisle! :)
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