Favours Dilemma

Hi



My MIL2be is tryingto be helpful (i think) which would be a first!



Its in relation to favours, now dont get me wrong, its nice that she wants to help, but in all honesty i have planned the entire wedding myself, im quite what i would call a perfectionist, and do a creatie job for a living, so have high standards to say the least... i was talking about the favours, which i have design packaging for (its only sweeties ) and had some personalised tags done too, collaborating my ribbon colours, and now she wants to do the favours, the putting together as she has a friend who can provide the sweets handmade... i was quite happy to purchase the sweets myself as i have found a supplier too...



Am i being horrible not trusting her to do it right? I know what she's like, she is far from a perfectionist, and is the kind to say "oh it'll do" and leave it til the very last minute, when i have put my heart and soul into making sure everything is just so!!



I actually would like to do them myself, now i have pulled the whole thing together, so how do i brush off her offer without sounding like a cow!



Help!!

Posts

  • ziggywigsziggywigs Posts: 1,435
    Why don't you have a bit of bonding time and do them together?
  • cfarnworthcfarnworth Posts: 226
    Thats not possible, i live 300 miles away from her, and the only time between now and the wedding when we will see each other is the day before!



    So you see, i wouldnt ge to see them until the day before, and this is something i dont want to take a chance with
  • MrsNakedChefMrsNakedChef Posts: 496
    Oh Nikicat I know what you mean... I am like that that I would rather do things myself so not to be picky when its done for me..... Its hard to let go.... prehaps you could find something else for your MIL to do and say that you have already started them/ordered them? Then its not making her feel completely out of sync?

    xxx
  • What's more important - having the favours exactly as you want them, or making your future mother in law feel as if she's contributing something to the wedding?
  • PurpleMuffinukPurpleMuffinuk Posts: 1,385
    Let's face it we are only talking about the favours. Most people forget to take them anyway. I can't really see how she can do them 'wrong' and you are being a bit over the top. If we were talking about something like the flowers, or the suits or bridesmaid dresses I would say this is different but we are talking about the favours.



    I agree with Groomsmum it is nice to let her contribute.



    I am going to be so busy over the next few months running up to the wedding I'd be happy for somebody to take over the favours.



    I honestly think you are being a bit over the top on the bridezilla thing!! Your MIL is trying to be nice to you so I'd say accept the gesture and remember it is only the favours and hardly the whole wedding she is doing!
  • CurlylydCurlylyd Posts: 1,465
    I can see where you are coming from, and I think a couple of the responses you've had are a bit harsh. It might be different if she had asked right at the beginning, but you already have the idea in your head of what you want to do, so if you want to do it then you do it! Especially if you are quite a creative person, then favours may be something that is particuarly important to you. I'm a bit fanatical about my stationary, and some might say that that's being a bit bridezillaish, but it's just something that I really like, so it's much more important to me than the flowers, which I'm not too bothered about. But to another bride the stationary may be trivial, because 'it's only invitations'



    It's traditional fror the bride to make the favours by hand anyway, possibly with the help of her maids or her Mum, could you tell your Mil2b that you had already planned to do it that way. I know tradition doesn't mean a huge amount in lots of weddings, it's more about taking the traditions you want and mixing them with some individuality, but she might understand that to be a good enough reason. There must be something else that your mil2b could do to make her feel involved, helping sort out suits, or buttonholes on the day maybe. Say thanks for her offer, and it was really kind of her, then change the subject onto something she could help with if you want her too.



    Going off on a bit of a tangent here, and not directing this at your mil2b at all, but I acually think its a bit unfair of the mothers of the grooms to try and get too involved in things that are meant to be the the responsibility of the bride and her family. If they make it clear that they would be available to help, then the bride can always ask. It just seems a bit unfair for brides to have to feel pressured and guilty because of their mil2b's. Don't mean to offend anyone - just my opinion.
  • sarahrobsonuksarahrobsonuk Posts: 3,266
    Its a few sweets in a bag tied with ribbon, let her do them. she can send u a pic of the first one to see if you like it.
  • i can see both sides here completely. I agree that you should be grateful to your mil2b and involve her, but you only get one day and you only get to plan your wedding once, and i dont know about the rest of you, but i'm enjoying planning my wedding so much. I've managed to include my mother in law to be with many things, without giving up special jobs which ive been so looking forward to doing myself. Bit different for us, cos we live near each other so we're doing favours together. But shes also baking the cake and attending dress fittings with me too. Is there something else she could do?

    I understand what the other girls are saying, altho i agree with curlylyd that they're being a tad harsh, it may 'only' be the favours for some, but to this bride, its something shes been looking forward to doing herself. I think its so important to include the two families, BUT i also think that all the mothers of the brides and mothers of the grooms have had their day and altho yes they should be included, you shouldnt have to give up something you want to do yourself just to be obliging!

    I would really try to find something else for her to do, i wouldnt simply say no and leave it at that, offer her something, but something you're not so keen to do yourself. Good luck hun! X

    [Modified by: sexylittlecrum on June 24, 2009 10:25 PM]

  • hpriest86hpriest86 Posts: 160
    My Mil2B wanted to do the favours but I had already careful planned them like you.

    I managed to find something else for her to do! the church flowers which has totally taken her attention away from everything else and shes done an amazing job searching out the perfect colour ribbon, meeting the church florist to arrange stands etc. Its been such a weight of my mind and I've been able to get the fortune cookies I wanted and design my own little boxes! Try and definitely find someone else for her to do! Good luck!
  • thecat2ukthecat2uk Posts: 346
    I understand how you feel, id rather do everything myself, i have a vision in my head as to how everything is to look, how the day is going to go etc...i cant be dealing with anything going wrong, id end up hating the mil even more for f**king up my wedding (even something as small as favours makes a difference)



    Just tell her you've already put alot of effort into designing and ordering etc, and that you apreciate the offer?



  • cfarnworthcfarnworth Posts: 226
    This is precisely what i am doing now i have decided, we dont have a big full on relationship, we hardly see each other from one year to next, i dont have my own mum, but even if i did i wouldnt let her do them either, because im sooo organised, and know what i want, in my head, as you say, then no-one else would do it the way i do it, it was more the way she jumped in and said she was doing them, didnt ask...



    we are not having flowers on the tables, so these will really be the only decor on the table, and she is not creative at all, some may think it a simple task, but i have seen her handy work on other stuff and its not good... and like you say, it would cause me more stress if it went wrong, than actually doing it myself



    She is getting all worked up about the day, feeling stressed etc, when i'm not!! I dont understand why, everything is done, i plan things for a living so this will run smoothly haha! I dont need other people panicking around me before the day when im not even panicking myself, i dont get it



    Thing is, she just went to her other sons wedding and was peeved that she didnt get a thank you in the speeches because she didnt do anything, she wants a thank you, she will get a thank you for being his mum, but i really dont need to dole tasks out to people, i can handle it all myself!

  • dorsetgirldorsetgirl Posts: 63

    Just a thought but does your MIL2b have a daughter? My MIL has been trying to get involved above and beyond my expectations, some in a good way and some negative. I think its because her own daughter doesn't plan to marry yet and she's just desperate to play a key role in a wedding.
  • cfarnworthcfarnworth Posts: 226
    She doesnt have a daughter no, and i know she will never get to experience the mother of the bride thing, but then neither will my mum as she passed away last year and i dont need or want a surrogate mum!!



    She thinks she SHOULD be involved, but she wasn't involved in her other son's wedding either, and her friends keep telling her that she shouldn't be involved, but she is adamant that she will be involved, of course she is involved, she will be the third/fourth most important person on the day, but the i cant rely on someone 300 plus miles away to think in tandem with me, and my ideas keep changing everytime i pick up a magazine, so its best if i do them!
  • hpriest86hpriest86 Posts: 160
    Good Idea! Just because she is going to be your MIL doesn't mean she can automatically be involved in all the prep. I am lucky that my MIL2B is creative and shes done great with the flowers. Shes driven me crazy though by taking the liberty of booking the hotel on our wedding night and was refusing to tell us where we were going as it was a surprise! I eventually put my foot down and said I wanted to know exactly where we were going or it was gonna to spoil my day. She got quite annoyed but told me all the same and it was actually a nice hotel. My biggest fear was it would be a complete dive as shes likes to save money! Good Luck with it all. Sounds like you have the planning all sorted! x
  • carol-annewcarol-annew Posts: 196
    I have read this whole thread from start to finish and i must admit i feel u r being a tad ott. This woman is your future H2b's MOTHER..she will be as big a part of your life as he is. U must let her get involved..even if u dont want her to do the favours then u must let her play an active part in your wedding..and i must stress it is not just YOUR wedding but also your husbands and that means getting his mum very much involved...I am sorry if that sounds harsh but its just how i feel. I have had to let my MIL play some part in the wedding. she has made my favours. At the end of the day its only favours and tbh no1 even takes them at the end of the night when they have had a few too many.



    Try not to get too stressed over the minor details and just enjoy your day

    x

    [Modified by: carol-anne on June 26, 2009 09:24 AM]

  • cfarnworthcfarnworth Posts: 226
    Im not being OTT, simply she doesnt have a role in her son's life anyhow, i simply dont feel the need to "bond" with a women who is so cold she has never bonded with her own son, she only wanted to do it to show off on the day, anyhow, its all sorted now, thanks for all the advice ladies, the ones who understood and didnt have a go because i dont want to live and breath my mother in law!! You marry the man, not his extended clan!



    Anyhow, my other half has seen how much effort i have put into the detail, of your not a details person, it wouldnt bother you, but i am, and he had a word with her and told her politely that i would really love to do them myself... he understood that it wasnt my place to be putting his mother in line, she's not my mum, and she's certainly not like my mum either... my mum would never dream of treading on toes!



    All resolved!
  • hpriest86hpriest86 Posts: 160
    Your H2B shud give my H2B some tips I'd love him to put his Mum straight but he won't!! Good Luck with everything! xx
  • mandak13mandak13 Posts: 164
    Sorry but I'm with Nickicat on this one. She has every right to have her favours however she chooses. I certainly don't agree that its your families wedding too. In modern society a lot of the cost of a wedding is footed by the couple, infact me and h2b are paying for it all and neither parents have offered or will be asked to contribute. I don't feel I should burden them with my life choice and I certainly don't expect them to pay for it. Equally, if we're arranging it, we should get to decide what we wish to do and how involved others should be. Its always lovely to know folk are willing to help, but people need to respect our right to choose when and where we involve them. Its a bit presumptious of people to decide they are automatically involved and start to place demands on already stressed-out brides! I do intend to involve my family to a certain extent as my mother for one, is simply dying to help! But for me, the planning and organising is the best bit and I want to savour every moment of it. I too, would want my table decor to be EXACTLY how I imagined, so I wouldn't trust this to anyone else either, being creative and artistic, thats the best part. I do see both sides, but sometimes the old addage "too many cooks" has never been more appropriate than extended family involved in planning a wedding!
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