Forum home Archived Second Time Around

dosnt feel like its second time around

it may sound daft but i dont feel like i was ever married the first time,This time I feel so diffrent,happy,excited.I really cant wait to marry my prince. Im such a different person now,'normal',happy,i live in diffrent area,have a totally different life.Im 27,got married in 2006 after 6yrs,lived together 4yrs,i finally walked away after was a disaster,I never wanted any of it,i just wasnt strong enough at the time to stop it.Although my close family and two best freinds no i was in a bad relationship with some violence they have no idea how bad it actually was.My ex drank heavily and thats when the problems started.He filled my head with rubbish,i belived what he told me etc,i saw no way of ever leaving him.

My aunt made a comment recently about my past and i just said forget it ever happened,i have.I really have though.I cant remember what i walked into etc.I may have been leagally married before but i never changed my passport to married name etc,to me this is the first time round,i just wish people felt that way to,people at work have said "your not having a dress are you","are you just havin a small wedding this time".i reply with im having the wedding of my dreams.

My parents etc never liked ex,they really like H2B,i struggle to get any excitement out of them towards wedding mom made an excuse to get out of coming to see my dress with me,says she wont stop at the hotel even though ive offerd to pay!my sister has made some effort,shes been to wedding fayre at hotel were having our wedding at but i feel its only because h2bs mom came with me,She has been great(has three sons,its her first to get married) ,reg brings it up,we talk about menus,music,flowers,favors etc,(his family no ive been married befor e).there so excited,why cant my family be the same.


  • Lexyuk2Lexyuk2 Posts: 51
    hey i feel totally the same! i got married in 2002, he cheated on me after 6 months! At the time iwas heartbroken, but now i look back and think PHEW!!! ive met my soul mate now and like you last time ifelt pushed into the marriage and was a nervous wreck and didnt really look 4ward to the wedding, this time im sooooooooo excited! x
  • abi151276abi151276 Posts: 137
    I feel totally the same, the first time round i was 20 and pregnant and my Mum pressured me to marry the guy even though we had little in common, i had little input in the actual wedding and certainly wasn't excited about it, this time I am 32 (definitley not pregnant lol) and soo excuited I could burst. i have had the raised eyebrows about the dream dress but could not care less, its all about me! (and h2b, of course!)
  • Helen0902Helen0902 Posts: 682
    Hello ljb09. I know exactly what you mean. My former Husband had me completely brain washed and convinced no-one else would look at me or want me if I left him. (3 kids in tow meant I thought the same at the time!!) He drank, was abusive etc etc. The strange thing is members of my family meation things that have happened in the past and i either don't remember at all or I have a vauge distant memory but only when some one else has brought the subject up. I guess our minds have a way of blocking out the horrible stuff.

    I felt my family were not that interested in my Wedding (June just gone), they were there on the day and they would prob say they were interested but I felt I did alot of the planning and being excited without them. My advice would be to try not to let them get you down, enjoy your planning knowing this time you are marrying the right man and enjoy your planning time as it will be over in a flash. Its your families loss if they don't get involved. Best of luck, Helen xx
  • I feel the same too, I got divorced when I was 24. H2B propsed on Christmas Day, and it feels to me like the only time it has ever happened because it feels so different and right!
  • bagwashbagwash Posts: 343
    This is my second marriage and even though I was with my first husband for 17 years before I had the guts to tell him to get lost my coming wedding (in 6 weeks!) feels like my first.

    I lived with my first husband for 3 years before his divorce came through and we got married 6 weeks after his divorce. I wanted to wait but he said no. The wedding was a disaster. At my mum's insistence I wore a cream suit from C&As and didn't feel like a bride at all. There were only 10 of us at a registry office do and the 'reception' was a farce. My husband was such a control freak and although there was never any physical abuse I was mentally abused for most of our marriage. It's says a lot that our 2 daughters won't have anything to do with him any more. It's been 14 happy years since I left him behind.

    This time I've been living with h2b for 5 years and he is a totally different person. I decided a long time ago I would be happy to marry him but it took him until March 08 to realise that was what he wanted and I nearly fell of my chair when he proposed. I've done all the planning and organisation myself this time. There are only 6 of going to the wedding in Finnish Lapland next month but this time I'm going for the full ivory bridal number. This time I really do want to celebrate my marriage to the max. I think my mum is a bit miffed that I've excluded her from everything but if it all turns out to be a disaster I have no-one but myself to blame. We are getting married in our farouite place, with people we care about and having a meal in our favourite reastaurant afterwards so I see no reason for it to be anything but a joy. ;\)
  • I just wanted to post a quick reply to say please don't let those negative comments spoil your big day. I am getting married for the second time in November having divorced 4 years ago.

    It used to upset me that people made comments like "what are you wearing this time" It is hard to explain to people who haven't been in a similar situation but to me this feels like the first time too. Also, my h2b hasn't been married before so why shouldn't he have a big wedding and isn't he entitled to see me walking down the aisle in a wedding dress like he always imagined his bride would? People can be insensitive sometimes but mostly it's just because they don't understand.

    Mothers are funny - mine was a bit negative about me getting engaged again despite the fact that she loves my h2b! In the end I had a chat with her and told her that it really upset me and she said that she was just worried and didn't want me to get hurt again.

    I think the best thing to do is to have a fantastic day and ignore any negative comments. The most important thing is that you are marrying someone you love and who loves you too. There are no guarantees in life and you have to live for today and for what makes you happy here and now. If he makes you smile and makes your world a better place then go for it. I'm sure on the day when people see you walking down the aisle and how happy you are they will think differently.

    Hope you have a great day.

  • clareabellaclareabella Posts: 3,001
    I feel the same way!!! both h2b and i have been married before but this feels 'real'.

    I married in 2001 at twenty years old, purely because we had a child and i thought it was the 'done thing' and i also didn't like having a different sirname to my daughter (i now realise that was stupid reasons). My 'wedding' was at a registry office, booked with the obligatory two weeks notice, i wore a dress i got from C&A in the closing down sale, it cost me a tenner!!! it was us, my parents and my sisters and that was it, then we went home again, no celebration of anything, i felt ill and always regretted it.

    I realised a year into the marriage that i wanted out but it took me until 2007 to do this, i kept trying to make it better, but his drinking and agressive behaviour were too much.

    I never had a wedding, or a marriage to speak of, i felt more like a babysitter, so this time i'm doing it right, proper dress, reception, the lot. Though my family love h2b they too aren't overly excited about it (my dad seems to be though, which was a surprise) but i'm excited enough for everyone anyway!!

    I'm glad other b2b's feel this way too!!!
  • ljb09ljb09 Posts: 27
    its so nice to no that im not the only person to feel like this.Im going to have an amazing day going to order my dress tomorrow,justin alexander 8371(without halter neck).im so excited.
  • Well... I am mid 40's 2nd time round and my dress this time is more fab than last time... I look at it as....Yes i was married before and out of that came 2 wonderful children... however I have never married my h2b so we both feel we will go all out for each other... I am so excited sometimes i can't sleep... every morning we wake up and muck around sayin things like with this ring... we are like kids in a sweety shop at wedding fayres... xx
  • Hey ladies. I just had to respond to this one.. and I am with you girls!! totally agree with you all.. I too have been married before - it was when I was 19 (30 now) to an complete mind-control freak, who at that time i believe I loved with all my heart and soul. He cheated, he hit me, but I still remained by his side... due to everything that was happening I ended up seeking comfort with another man, and we got caught -- and this was the break up of our marriage - although he was cheating on me at the same time it would appear. Anyway, our wedding was organised completely and solely by ex, he paid for it, it was a very small affair (none of my family were there - they didn't like him), and my dress cost me £50 from a bridal sale.. we married on a beach in Florida however, so all was not lost! We celebrated the first wedding anniversary quite genuinely happy, but by the second, we had lost the will in one another, and by the age of 23 I was a divorcee... luckily in Florida its a "no-fault" state so the divorce went through within weeks. I too never changed my name on my passport etc, and I am in the same frame of mind, its almost like I've never been married before... its insane, its like I barely remember those days.. its amazing how the brain has this mechanism of just trashing away that bad things..

    I am now marrying my soul-mate and my best friend... I couldn't be happier, we have two little girls together and apart from wishing I had a bigger budget, our wedding is going to be divine, beautiful and more than anything - totally what i want.

    Congrats to all you second timers ladies.. for having the faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that Mr. Right truely is out there somewhere!!
  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,506
    It feels very much like it's MY first wedding too. My partner, Earl & I have both been married once before. Anyway, I've cut & pasted something I posted on another thread (to save me re-typing it) - here goes:

    I married my first husband in 1981. After 8 years we split up and now, I'm just 54 days away from my wedding with my lovely husband-to-be, Earl. The first wedding was in a Register Office and I would've LOVED a church wedding but it wasn't to be as my former husband had been divorced from HIS former wife. My parents weren't happy that it wasn't a Church wedding but with hindsight, I'm glad it wasn't since we split up. I'd also had our first child before we got married and my parents didn't want me to wear a white dress. I wore a cream/ivory colour but my mother was still unhappy that it was a traditional wedding gown anyway! She felt that since I'd "flouted convention" by having a baby and also by marrying a divorced man, I didn't have the "right" to look like a bride, regardless of what colour I was wearing.

    I don't regret my decision to divorce my ex. He was emotionally distant - and THAT was when we were in a "good" spell. Much of the rest of the time, he was abusive in more than one way.

    Anyway, Earl is divorced too but our lovely local vicar has agreed to marry the 2 of us in Church. My children are all grown up now and I'm 50. I'll be wearing a proper wedding gown plus a veil, even though some people may think it's inappropriate at my age. My parents, believe it or not are actually supportive this time (possibly because they never approved of husband No.1 in the first place but they've always loved Earl). Nearly 20 years have elapsed since I split up with husband No.1.

    It feels like the first time because it IS the first time I'm marrying Earl. I disagree totally with the whole philosophy of being expected to have a quiet, low-key/modest wedding if you've been married before. Unless, of course, the happy couple actually prefer it that way.

    Even if you've had ALL the trimmings the first time around, why settle for less when you're re-marrying after a failed marriage? That's like saying your relationship with your ex-husband/wife was WORTH the time, money, effort & planning spent on the wedding you had together but your new spouse and the relationship you share is worth so much less!

    Another school of thought is that getting married for the 2nd time around is NOT something to shout about and advertise. This way of thinking probably arose from the traditional, old-fashioned view that to be divorced was nothing to be proud of! So if you got divorced, and then married again, you should do it quickly and quietly. This meant you were still legally married but you'd had the "sensitivity" not to make a song & dance about it. Also, in the fullness of time, people might imagine you'd only ever had the one marriage ..... Daft, isn't it?

    Have the wedding you want with the man of your dreams. Earl & I both think that when it's the 2nd time around it's even more important to make it significant and special.

    Bamba x

  • Hi

    Had to reply now exactly where you're coming from..i too feel like this marraige is the real thing..I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons on my own with two kids and he wanted me...stupid reason but at the time seemed ok

    Should have known when i found him hanging out of hotel window chatting up another woman ( on our wedding day ) that it was doomed but it still took 6years one more baby and 3 trips to hospital for domestic violence for me to see sence

    One night friends took me out and there at the bar i met the man of my dreams..that was 8 years ago and my lifes been wonderful ever since i'm now an equal not someone who's made to feel gratefull

    Two years ago we had our baby girl who made our family complete and next year we get married

    I too had family saying too keep it small second time ...but i look at it this way..I DESERVE TOO BE HAPPY...and stand in front of everyone too show how much i love my man..if your family love you then they will want the same..and if not remember the only people that matter are you and your h2b..have a wonderfull wedding and a great life because we all deserve happiness...
  • suzleeuksuzleeuk Posts: 20
    Hi I felt I needed to reply to this.

    I met my first husband and in 6 months in a we were married with very little money and not alot of common sense. He was far too young (21) and me at 26 should have known better. Still it felt right at the time. We had a little girl and muddled along like most people do then out of the blue he left me for no other reason than he didnt love me anymore. I went into shock and felt like my life was falling apart! He went on to party alot and pick up lot of different women (most of whom he introduced to our daughter) and I stayed on my own and out my life back together.

    I met my H2B in Oct 2002 and we were together for a few months when he decided he didnt want to be in a relationship!! I thought here we go again so I just got on with things. We stayed in touch though and eventually after about a year we became a proper couple. He loves my daughter as his own and we now have another little girl of 2. Planning our wedding has been a dream come true for me and most definately feels like the first time. My mum hasnt bothered much (though she never did the first time) but his mum has been great and cant wait. But she isnt pushy in the slightest. Our wedding is in August 2009 and I am beside myself with excitement. Good luck to you all
  • sarahrobsonuksarahrobsonuk Posts: 3,266
    I feel as tho it was never really me getting married all those years ago - 1991. Seems as tho it was a different person. Can hardly remember it to be honest even tho i was with him for 7 years.
  • landy40landy40 Posts: 47
    my first h2b was also a control freak and i suffered years of emotional abuse. i never realised for many years as he was my first serious relationship and was 20 when we married. we only had 2 witnesses at the wedding, no nice dress, party or anything. i went along with what he wanted.

    h2b has also been married before and also had a quiet do. he would have been happy just living togther but despite me vowing never to get married again, i didnt want to just live together and wanted the whole wedding/marriage thing. this is the first time for me, cos i never had a proper wedding first time, and i am loving every minute of the planning and excitement. and cos were older and paying for everything, we can have what we want with no hassle from anyone. family have come around cos i think they felt it wasnt right to have a big fuss, but now theyre all excited to. we all live in various parts of the country and im in scotland, so it will be the first time we have all been together for aboyt 3years. im so excited, and i know how much h2b loves me, he is giving me this special day, cos he knows how much it means to me, and i know im really lucky to have such a fantastic guy.
  • DianeAdamDianeAdam Posts: 48
    I joined tonight and this is my first post.

    I am getting married in August and I also feel that this is the first time.

    Both myself and my H2B have been married before and were both single parents with 2 children each when we met 8 years ago. Two years after we met we decided to move in together with all 4 kids.... it has been interesting to say the least!! We have our 2 youngest still at home (1 of his and 1 of mine) and last year we became Grandparents to the lovely young Kai who we both love equally.

    H2B had been through a bit of an ordeal with his ex and the divorce process has been long and expensive - so I was amazed when he proposed at the end of last year. I am sooo excited and feel like a young girl again - although I had a birthday on Friday and turned 45.

    I am planning the day of my dreams with all our kids involved in the wedding. I am wearing a diamond white Maggie Sottero dress and will have a hog spit roast for 100 followed by a ceilidh for 150 in the evening - the works!! We are going to have the party of all parties to celebrate the fact that we love each other. I honestly feel that all of my dreams have come true.

    I have 2 fantastic kids who I brought up on my own for 7 years - I have 2 stepkids who I care deaply and will be marrying the kindest and funniest man I have ever met.

    I dont really care if people think that 'it is a second marraige' as my mother feels the need to remind me - I want to shout it from the rooftops.

    So to all you second timers - good for you and good luck x
  • samoooosamoooo Posts: 288
    Totally agree, wish it Was the first time ;-\
  • Wow, can really identify with a lot of ladies here! 1st wedding took place on a beach in St Lucia with no friends or family, I wore a plain dress from Monsoon and ex wore casual designer (rolls eyes) shirt, trousers and shoes. We'd been together for one year and I'd left my fiance to be with him so felt it was all or nothing. Well, the first year (pre wedding!) was bliss, we were so happy but the bubble soon burst. Ex didn't want any party on return from getting hitched but did agree to a meal for my parents and his surrogate parents. I regret the whole wedding to this day. BUT! This means I am free to marry in church (am Catholic) and to have the wedding and reception of my dreams image Budget is tiny which means limits on numbers but most important thing is my friends and family will be there to share in my big special day! There was serious fallout from the elopement and it took years before I realised why I had many niggles. I'd called off the first wedding and the resulting guilt and shame lingered for ages. Felt unable to announce our engagement, plus my dad wanted a huge Chinese reception (I'm Chinese) Much easier this time round as my dad passed away 4 years ago and h2b very supportive with wedding plans and everything. He's never been married and has no kids which I found hard to believe at first as he's 45 but he's been too busy living his life to make time for relationships. DS adores him and they get on like a house on fire image I'm soooo happy and excited!!!
  • I feel just the same. It feels as though i've never been married before. If i really force myself to remember that day (and believe me thats pretty much never as id rather not) i just remember feeling like i wasnt really there, like i was just going through the motions and feeling pretty sick that id gone through with it. It was as if i was looking down at myself as opposed to actually being there.

    This time round i feel like a young girl dreaming of all the most important day of her life having found the most amazing person, he really is my friend aswell. I know he'd never hurt me and thats a true blessing, such an amazing feeling. I certainly havent felt this way before and the 303 days until my wedding couldnt come sooner!
  • I just wanted to add that I feel totally the same and I dont think you realisehow unhappy you were till your truly 'HAPPY'! I was married at 23 as I just thought it was the thing to do as e had a little girl together. He wasn a bad man and was very good to me but there was nothing there. We were like best mates. Ive been with H"B for 3and a half years now and I canhonestly say that its better than when we first met. I cant wait to marry him and Im having so much fun organising the music etc This time rond Im doing everything my way and I cant wait xxx
  • I felt I had to reply here too, i can barely remember first wedding! We were young (21) had a 9 month old and basically felt pressured to do the "right thing". Was definitely NOT the right thing for me, he was abusive both pysically and mentally an alcaholic and wouldn't allow me to work but also constantly berrated me for spending "his" money. I got a job and told him to leave after 18 months of marriage. We didn't divorce until this year as basically we had no reason to, I never felt married to him in the first place and changed my name as soon as we separated so still being married to him had no bearing on my life until I met h2b and wanted to get married again.

    The wedding was small, register office I wore a dress from a high street store that I bought in the sales, the reception was at the local pub... it was almost as if I wanted to put no proper effort into the wedding as I knew it wasn't going to be my only one!

    This time we're having a lovely ceremony and reception abroad (we live in Spain) I'm wearing a gorgeous ivory dress from Ellis Bridal and am so so excited!! Planning it has been a pleasure rather than a chore and I know I can put my all into this wedding as it's going to be my last, but certainly feels like my first!

    Apologies for the long post my fingers do tend to run away with themselves!!image
  • Yup! Feels like my first too.

    My actual 1st wedding was just hubby1 & me out in Mauritius - no mum, no reception. ;-(

    He did help me becme the person I am, soo no regrets. But we grew apart and now I've found my Prince.

    This time we're doing it properly (2nd for H2B too), Wooded glade ceremony and a bring-a-plate picnic reception. And I have a fab dress!!!

    I think mums may just get a bit overprotective and want to make sure their little princess isn't going to get hurt again. I know mine keeps asking the irritating question, "You two are OK, aren't you? You still want to get married, don't you"? Aaargh!! I know it's cos she cares.

    And I've now got everyone at work excited. I've hinted I have a dramatic dress (it's actually dark burgundy - Benjamin Roberts 1033). And now they can see how excited I am they're getting swept up in it. I did have to get over that whole sneary thing though. Even my mother-in-law-2B made some stupid dress comment, but I took her with my mum to see what dress I was getting, and she was won over too.

    I don't think people can really understand if they've not been there. I think that actually wedding 2 is better; you know what you want and aren't afraid to get it! And as you've had a practice you feel more confident. Plus H2 is always better!!!

    Have fun. Forget what everyone else thinks. It's YOUR DAY!

  • MrsJLMrsJL Posts: 378
    Can I join in?

    I'm getting married in July 2010 and I'm much more excited 2nd time round. I was first married in 1991 which lasted for a measly three years. I was devastated at the time but looking back it was the best move I could have made.

    Over the following years I sometimes bumped into my ex (who did marry and again which also resulted in divorce) and he acted as if he still owned me and could tell me what to do (prat).

    JenniferJane this reply is for you:

    My h2b has never been married and I can't wait for him to see me in my wedding dress (ivory, tea length and strapless). I think I'm more excited for him coz its his first time (bless). My brother got married 9 years ago and had a very very small wedding (him, sister-in-law, my mum and dad) at a registry office followed by a meal. Myself and my sister-in-law's other sisters didn't find out until after the event (we were gutted). Anyway, my sister-in-law wore a lovely dress & jacket and when it came time for me to go dress shopping my mum kept saying "how about a lovely suit". I said "Mum - no offence but this is our wedding and I want something bridally". "That was sister-in-law's choice - something bridal is my choice". Mum and dad got most of their own way for my first wedding and I was probably a bit brainwashed. Not this time. H2B and I are arranging it all ourselves and it will be how we want it.

    Sorry for blabbering on.

    All you lovely ladies (and me) will have a fabulous day no matter what negative comments are made. Anyone thinking of saying anything negative should leave them in the cornflake packet prior to and on the day of our wedding.

    J x
  • I too have been married before. I got married at 21 years of age. I knew on the day I should not have been marryinghim but you live and learn. I believe no matter what I went through - It all happened for a reason. You see if my marriage had not of broken down I would not have move from the area and I certainly would not have found my mr right.

    My H2B is the complete opposite of what I was with the first time round! We are getting married in November 2010 and I am sooo excites. I am wearing a proper wedding dress and both sides of our families are really excited.

    The est thing is being able to plan it together and decidbe on the things that we both like. It's like getting married for the 1st time and Im enjoying every minute of it and so is he. We both can't wait ... H2B even suggested bringing the wedding forward a year because we were going to get married in 2011 (he is such a sweetie!).

    Good luck and all the happiness in the world going out to all you 2nd time B2B.

    Remeber the best things come to those who wait or to those who have given up xx
  • emhukemhuk Posts: 261
    Hi, I've been married before too. I'm 20 days away from my second wedding and i too feel like its for the first time.

    my family however haven't let me forget i've been married before. the first thing my mum said was your not wearing white are you! they dont think i should be allowed to get married in church and have caused so much trouble that we told them it was cancelled up until sunday just gone. we then invited them to the evening do to which my mum said she wouldnt come!

    i'll be gutted if they dont turn up but they cant accept that to me this is my 'first' time. its h2bs first time and like others have said, y shouldnt he have the wedding he wants too.

    i'm really excited now and just cannot wait to be his wife. he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.

    good luck to you all on your big day.

  • Its my second time in 6 days time and I am so excited!

    I keep forgeting ive done it before when I was very young and silly!

    This time is so much better x

    Good Luck everyone
Sign In or Register to comment.