What did you learn from your first marriage?

As a second time around bride.... what lessons did u learn from your first marriage that you will carry on to your second & hopefully last.



I didnt know i had learned any lessons until i met my h2b. He has taught me so much about myself. I guess thats because i have found the one I SHOULD have been with.

Ive learnt to relax & not stress over the small stuff. To trust him.... not about being unfaithful... about repsonsibility.. i learned that i cant do everything & i have to trust him to do more.

Ive also learned that men having time to do what they want with their mates is really really important. (admittedly, my ex didnt have any mates! lol)



But the most important thing is... that if you want something done & you dont leave clear instruction of how YOU want it done & its not done correctly, then u only have yourself to blame!





what did u learn?

Posts

  • lolly1981lolly1981 Posts: 431
    that i never shouldve married him!!! lol



    i learned that there are some lazy people in this world...selfish people...unfaithful...nasty...etc etc but also that not everyone is that way.



    my h2b is the complete opposite of my ex he has his lazy moments but i learn to live with that as it could be worse (like before),,,,i dont let the lil things wind me up so much...i avoid arguements now instead of letting them escalate,,,im more laid back because i will never ever let myself get so wound up by someones nasty nehaviour and attitude...i refuse to allow myself to get in that place again...so right from the off i told h2b what i expected from the relationship and if he couldnt except that then we wopuldnt last...they were things such as communication...equal housework image ...not talk to me like an idiot...and not treat me like a fool...so far 18 months into relationship...we dont argue...if he annoys me we talk about it not let it bubble over.



    so all in all marring that pillock before made me a better person and made me think a bit more of myself.
  • I learnt not to rush in to anything AND to listen to and seriously consider any little niggly doubts. I also learnt that those silly little habits which annoy you from the beginning will only get bigger!
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    [Modified by: MrsMorris-Hall2b on April 15, 2009 12:12 PM]

  • whitestaffywhitestaffy Posts: 1,175
    his taught me a things about myself, i used to shout alot now im calm, to trust and most of all to love, where 1st never gave me he just took. we talk things threw oh and housework, lol
  • curvycarolcurvycarol Posts: 355
    Bibi.. I learned that too... well with my ex husband.... oh sex was so infrequent it wasnt funny.



    H2B doesnt have the same sex drive as me either but lord.. its at least regular & passionate & because of this, I dont seem to mind so much!



    Advice to all women... never marry a man who doesnt have a sex drive or one that you cant manage... because it becomes the focus of everything instead of the added bonus.
  • mrsberwickmrsberwick Posts: 303
    sorry to jump in but i would like a little advise, im a first time around and i do let the little things get to me. how do i stop? i get really knotted and angry inside at silly things and would love to know your tips because i dont want to be like this.



    thank you a bundle for any help!xxx
  • NatNatuk1NatNatuk1 Posts: 438
    Have that important talk about what your expectations are in the marriage: what are your views on having children, money, sex etc.



    Funnily enough I covered this in my Catholic pre-marriage course and H2B and I found it very useful (didn't do a course before my first marriage as ex wasn't Catholic).



    I was young when I got married first time round and I think it's easy to get wrapped up in the romance of it all without considering the bigger issues. I've certainly got my eyes wide open this time ;\)
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    [Modified by: MrsMorris-Hall2b on April 15, 2009 12:13 PM]

  • curvycarolcurvycarol Posts: 355
    Hi mrs Berwick



    The best piece of advice I was ever given was to learn to bite your tongue & count to ten.... especially in the early days.



    MY advice, apart from the previous posts....is to.. & I know you may think im nuts.. but....

    treat all men almost like they are children or have autism. This is not a critism of people with autism... its just the easiest way to explain it



    Men think differently from women. If a flower dies in the garden, a man will pull it out & replace it. problem solved. A woman will look at everyone elses gardens, test the soil, read about plant care & THEN... solve the problem.



    To live with a man.... accept them for who they are, you cant change them & dont try to... but you can learn how to manage things better so YOU dont get worked up about it. If u want something done..... be specific. Not- Can u put a load in the washing machine please?..... Can you put that dark load I left out in front of the washine machine in on a 40oC wash please.? Now thats specific.

    Also negotiate with them... well if you are going out with your mates twice this week, how about u take me out for dinner tomoro?



    Just try to remember, is it YOU getting irritable over something you personally find annoying or is what he doing something everyone would find annoying?



    Trust me.... it all works. Years of being a foster carer & applying all this to my ex & now h2b... it seems to be working.

    My relationship with ex ended because of entirely different reasons.



    cx
  • I've learnt to keep a level of independance and that 'me time' is necessary for me to remain sane lol.



    One of the mistakes that was made in my first marriage was that we became far too dependant on each other. It was all lovey dovey and sickeningly sweet at the start but we later resented each other and strived to be our own persons, that compounded with him having an affair and then not trusting me (!) as he expected me to take revenge on him by doing the same led to our marriage break up.



    This time I want H2B but I don't need him. I love him to bits also. I'm also far more secure in myself as a person, my low self esteem that was knocked lower by a failed marriage was worked upon through counselling and thats made life a lot easier for me



    Ohh and I'm not marrying a controlling person this time either.



    I've learnt quite a lot when I think about it image and I'm glad I've gave myself a break between relationships to be my own person (rather than being mother and wife and part wage earner that I only was before) before I even met H2B. Infact I met H2B when I'd just returned from travelling alone and had made a decision I didn't want a relationship at all, I'm very glad he perserveered with me image
  • bladetteukbladetteuk Posts: 396
    Don't make big issues out of little things that don't really matter. Save your worrying for what is really worth worrying over
  • tigger_197613tigger_197613 Posts: 4,416
    i too should never have married my ex husband ! i was 18 and thought i knew what i was doing, i have 2 boys now 12 and 13, but the major lesson i learnt was NOT to be a door mat!



    because i let him get away things he cheated on me, got violent and i ended up losing my confidence ! but my hubby 2 be is slowly restoring everything that i lost lol confidence , self esteem etc x
  • mrshalomrshalo Posts: 113
    I learnt from both my failed marriages, if you ever have doubts, even if its minutes before the ceremony, then get out!



    Never stay with a man who makes you unhappy, I never knew I could be so happy on my own. Its completely true that you can feel more alone in an unhappy marriage than being single.



    I also know that no woman (or man for that matter) has to live in fear of violence nor should you have to automatically become a carer if your spouse becomes disabled. By all means stand by your wedding vows but not at the risk of your own health and wellbeing.
  • As cheesy as it sounds: To learn to love me first...that way I can be a bit more giving and loving to those around me. Too many years in the past of moulding myself to what I thought my ex wanted turned me into a zombie! Not any more though image
  • samoooosamoooo Posts: 288
    Don't marry someone if you're even remotely uncomfortable with any of his sexual inclinations, especially if they're strong ones.

    Probably also don't marry someone if they have a really bad pestering habit, where when you say 'no', they keep pestering until you give up and say 'yes'.
  • ceatonukceatonuk Posts: 52
    I've learnt to take my time because that way most niggles have a way of working themselves out and not being important. To be me, because that is what half of our relationship is, without that we wouldnt work. I've learnt that living with a man is much easier when you've already been together a long time, the transition was painless and natural and that's the way this marriag feels. Like it's the final and natural step for us.



    Not to sweat the small stuff and to be VERY grateful that he applies the same thought process to me and knows how to handle me, even when I'm being a bit unreasonable. My first marriage has actually put everything in perspective for me, I've never been so sure Im doing the right thing about something as I am about marrying h2b, so i guess i should thank the prat that is my ex - although thats probably going a bit too far lol!!
  • Ladies, I have not been married before but thought I would read this thread to try and garner some pearls of wisdom. Thank you for your insightful comments, I'm taking them on board image
  • BearCubukBearCubuk Posts: 1,145
    The thing I learnt and what I try to convey to my younger friends is don't settle for a less than perfect relationship. My first hub and I got engaged because we lived together for a while and then marriage was the next step but we were young, we argued, we had nice times together but also had seperate lives. I can't fault him as a person, he's like a brother to me, we work together now but we didn't treat each other so well as husband and wife, I think I knew it wouldn't last but by then the wedding plans were made and deposits paid. If we had of muddled on it's quite possible we'd still be together or we would of ended up hating each other. He's still not in the right relationship but he has a baby, the one thing he always wanted.

    I have my "twin", we share the same thoughts and ideas, we never need alone time, we laugh, hug, kiss every day, never argue. We enjoy the same things, I do his things because he enjoys them and that makes me happy and he does my things because he loves to see me happy. It's all about being equal and sharing everything.

    Top tips - No jealousy. Most men like to be nagged but do it in private and know when to stop! Don't embarrass him.

    If either of you isn't giving 100% it doesn't matter how much you love each other, know when it's reached the sell by date. Every relationship has a rough patch, if you get past it and life is better, great, if not......

    A good relationship ages but never gets old.

  • billikinsbillikins Posts: 151
    The one thing i learnt from my first marraige is that if you're going to settle for second best don't be surprized if thats what you get...



    This time round went out and found the best.....
  • samoooosamoooo Posts: 288
    omg! *votes for what bearcub said* totally that! totally that!!! It's impossible to see until you find it, but once you do you suddenly realise what everyone means. It IS like finding your twin, but in a fantastically brilliant way! image
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