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When to get excited?

Hi I am engaged and divorced... H2b is not yet divorced. His wife has agreed to a divorce and he has asked her to go to a solicitor (he already has) and to decide what she wants from the marriage. He is going to give her a few weeks and then go down the road himself. My question is this - how soon before I can get really excited? Have booked a date to go dress shopping as its gonna be difficult getting my mum and my bridesmaid in same area, so am going shopping at end of April. But I still feel like a bit of a fraud!! Would love to get married next April, is that unrealistic???



  • mrshalomrshalo Posts: 113
    Hi, first thing I thought of is what grounds is your h2b getting divorced on, my divorce was pretty straightforward but im not getting nisi til the end of this month (as yet unconfirmed) and proceedings were started in december. I was hoping for this july but it looks like that wont be happening now, or thats just me being pessimistic. I dont think its unrealistic to look to next April, but dont set a date in stone just in case you have any hold ups.

    Anyway, I dont see no reason why you cant get excited now, I picked one dress but I keep wondering if I could choose another one in case I change my mind, I love Monsoon dresses, the one ive got already is from there, it was dirt cheap in the sale image We have already picked our rings. I keep getting excited but sometimes I get ever so slightly cold feet but I know this is due to the fact that im still legally married even though I signed my divorce papers ages ago image

    Sorry for waffling on, am having one of my excited bridezilla days today lol!
  • samoooosamoooo Posts: 288
    Ooh I'd really be interested in what you all say here - I'm 2 weeks away from absolute, and bf won't propose until it's gone through cos it just feels kind of - not quite right, agreeing to marry someone when I actually can't.

    I really don't mean this to down anyone, it's just how it feels for me.

    And then I read all the stats on 'second marriage' and 'rebound' and start thinking 'er is all this 'wow he's perfect' feeling just rebound? It can't be!

    Which I'm sure it's not because if rebound feels like you've found your soulmate, that's harsh! image

    So I'd actually like to ask you back - how have you guys worked round to being able to plan weddings whilst one of you still is technically married? I'm dying to go dress shopping and ring shopping but think I'm going to make myself (us) wait a month or two after absolute just to - I dunno, feel less...ah i dunno, rushy?
  • mrshalomrshalo Posts: 113
    I knew this wasnt a rebound, h2b asked me early on in our relationship and I just know, call it intuition or whatever and some people might try to disagree and tell me im wrong, but ive thought log and hard about it. We even swore we'd never get married again, but hey!

    I think I come with a safety catch regarding the divorce, in that I do occasionally get the cold feet but after a long think and a talk, I know this is the divorce/still married, that im not free to marry h2b so how can I be engaged to him? I hope that makes sense, but now I worked out what it was, it makes sense to me now, cos the feelings were scaring me a little.

    It might be easier on myself personally cos we are having such a tiny wedding and eloping, so its just us 2, no guest list, no cake, none of the weddingy stuff to organise. We have just worked out in the past few days what we are budgeting for and what we want to do for the rest of the day after the ceremony, have narrowed it down to £350 for rings, reg office fees, h2b is hiring a nice car for the day, a nice lunch somewhere and later in the evening, a couple of bottles of our favourite (expensive and for special treats only) wine to celebrate with. So maybe that goes towards explaining why im finding it a bit easier to detach from being married and actually being excited about getting married to h2b.

    Note, I saw my 2nd xh today image first time I have seen him since he left me last year and I was totally detached from him, I was on my way to meet h2b and I couldnt wait to get away so I could see my darling gorgeous h2b, I didnt even care if he saw my engagement/commitment ring.

    I thought too that h2b should offically propose when I get absolute, but I think im just one of those people who finds it really easy to detach.

    [Modified by: mrshalo on April 04, 2009 08:44 PM]

  • mrshalomrshalo Posts: 113
    I was going to add this to last post but hit send by accident...

    Frog girl, regarding your stats, when I met and married no.2 xh, I worried about stats, that we are more likely to divorce than 1st marriages, etc. I dont even care what the stats are this time for 3rd marriages, but the way I see it is *almost* anything (obviously within reason) can be worked through and the stressful things that might break up a second marriage can be worked on if you try hard enough! I was determined to save my 2nd marriage but it broke up for its own reasons and not just cos I had remarried or been on a rebound.

    Im going to keep going on about this and bore everyone no doubt but h2b really feels like my soulmate, our paths have crossed so many times and we are so perfect for each other, if he is just a rebound, then its really cruel, but I know for sure that he is anything but.

    This is the ring he has picked btw, he has looked at loads but just totally loves this one

  • samoooosamoooo Posts: 288
    heh black ring image I like the indestructible element image

    re h2b, totally understand, feel exactly the same. thankyou image We keep having inadvertant Really Long chats about 'hypothetical' weddings and I can't WAIT for two weeks time (though I do get a bit scared every now and then, I think cos I'm so used to not being able to marry him, I'm scared of how excitingly fantastic it's going to become in two weeks when I CAN!) image

    *BIG HUGS*
  • ariesgirlukariesgirluk Posts: 965
    Hi Catherine,

    I would advise you strongly to not set a wedding date until your H2B has received his decree absolute. Even in fairly straight forward cases this can take many months, even years, due to Court backlogs in processing the paperwork etc and it only takes his ex to get a bit upset about something and she can really drag her feet.

    I would also suggest that your H2B lodges the divorce petition rather than being the respondent if he wants to be in the driving seat for pushing this along. The petitioner gets to apply for the decree absolute 6 weeks and 1 day after the decree nisi has been pronounced. But they don't have to apply for decree absolute if they don't want to and the respondent has to wait another 3 months before they get the opportunity to apply for it themselves. If they have a major disagreement over financial issues then the decree absolute can also be held back until finances have been agreed by the Court. Hope this helps xxx
  • tigger_197613tigger_197613 Posts: 4,416
    my hubby 2 be proposed to me the day his absolute came thru, we have known each other about 18 years as his brother and i were at school together, needless to say we lost touch after finding each other again we started seeing each other purely as freinds and werent looking for a relationship he had been sepperated for just over a year from his ex wife ( who i also know from school )

    my relationship had turned violent after 10 years and he understood that, after a few months we both had to admit that we had feelings for each other as it turns out we both did all that time ago! now we couldnt be happier !
  • Quoted:

    I think I come with a safety catch regarding the divorce, in that I do occasionally get the cold feet but after a long think and a talk, I know this is the divorce/still married, that im not free to marry h2b so how can I be engaged to him? I hope that makes sense, but now I worked out what it was, it makes sense to me now, cos the feelings were scaring me a little.

    MrsHalo - you could have just been describing me in what you wrote there! i didn't divorce for over 3 years (all our finances and kid arrangements were sorted within 6 months) and was still married when I met H2B. I stayed married as it felt safe as I knew I couldn't get close to anyone else whilst I was still married. I had my nisi when I met H2B and I got my absolut 4 months after meeting him, we didn't discuss marriage for months after that but at that point still being married seemed wrong and I also didn't feel the need for my safety blanket anymore. I got my absolut in March 08 and he proposed 6 weeks ago and we are marrying in Nov image
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