Interferring Ex-Wife


I need some advice please I think I am going slowly insane......

I get married for the second time on April 2nd 07.Both of us have been married before and both

of us have a daughter each from the previous marriages.My daughter lives with us.

My partners daughter lives with his ex wife.

Both girls are being bridesmaids at our wedding which is in Jamaica.

with me so far?

So h2b phones his daughter tonight to see if she is already to go - we fly on Wednesday.

His daughter is 10 and joins secondary school in September. She happily turns round and tells him

that she is bringing SAT's papers with her to do on holiday as the school is sending them with homework

to be completed over the Easter break.

So picture the scene h2b is informing me that his daughter will be doing SAT's papers, the air as you

can imagine is blue and very vocal.The school know that we are getting married, I think its a ploy

by the ex-wife to ruin our honeymoon and special day. I told him that she can take the papers but they

won't surface from the suitcase for the whole period we are away (amongst other things!!!). We aren't

away for the whole Easter break so she has PLENTY of time to swot up when we get back.

Am I being unreasonable, is the whole wedding thing finally getting to me with 10 days to go.

I need some advice, currently h2b and I are not talking as a result of this which ain't good news!image


  • BuffBrideBuffBride Posts: 93
    I feel for you hun. But maybe you could come to an agreement with your step daughter and just ensure that the papers aren't being worked, the day before the wedding, and the wedding day. Maybe even set a cut off point in the evening when you can all relax together.Education is important and you don't want to set off on the wrong foot with her.

    This is just my opinion but I hope everything works out for you anyway.

    Good luck!x
  • BaxterukBaxteruk Posts: 3,373
    I can tell you its not a ploy by the schools, theyre all doing it!! Sats start on May 14th (at least my sons do) and we've been told that no child will be allowed time off school - other than for sickness - for a whole month before hand and exam papers are being sent home with all children!

    Its stupid really, after all no employer is going to ask what you got in your year 6 sats are they! As far as Im concerned as long as my son does his best thats all I can ask for.

    I think that your step daughter to be should take the papers but I bet you they wont surface at all, there is far too much fun in jamaica fgs and your h2b isn't going to want to upset her by making her stay in and revise while your daughter is out having a whale of a time!

    Youre not unreasonable but I think the wedding is so close youre panicing, after all you want everything perfect! I think a glass or two of wine and some snuggling with H2b will help, he's prob more worried of upsetting you than anything else!
  • Jo-excitedJo-excited Posts: 271

    Hi, I think if i was in your shoes that would have been my initial reaction,,,, But, why dont you suggest that she does the swatting on the flight there and back, as it will be a long flight and will keep her busy, while you and h2b relax with a bottle of something ? Then you can enjoy the rest of the time in Jamacia and then she can atleast say she has done some revising. Only a suggestion to try and keep the cart on the wheels!!!

    Good luck for the 2nd, hope you have a fantastic time.... let us all know how it went went you get back

    I have two future step daughters who hate me and are not coming to our wedding,so at least you are on reasonable good terms!


    Jo x
  • awebsterukawebsteruk Posts: 368
    Thanks for the responses ladies.

    Still not sure what to do yet.

    We did at least get permission to take her out of school which was a bonus.

    She can take the papers and if H2b wants to babysit whilst she does them then fine, he can find

    me down by the pool topping up the tan lol!

    Oh Jo I know its difficult when step kids are on the scene. I always said I would never get involved

    with anybody with more excess baggage than me and look at me now lol. Funny old thing love!

    I'm sure it will all work out fine in the end, its just I feel that ex-wife is dictating how I spend my

    honeymoon. I should learn to be more relaxed and chill out but I instantly get hooked by anything

    she suggests. I wouldn't mind but I have never even met her!!!

  • Jo-excitedJo-excited Posts: 271

    I know exactly what you mean, my h2b. ex wife is a complete nutter, and h2b left her as she was having affairs all over the place and everyone knew but him, eventually he found out about one of them,,, and he is very black and white about trust and loyalty, he couldnt fogive her and eventually he left her, the girls stayed with their mum and she made out it was all his fault for leaving and painted him to be the worst father ever, he left her in the August and I didnt meet him unitl the following March. His divorce had just come thru, (also Ilive over 70miles away at the time of there spilt) , we started going out with each other at the end of April, His exwife then told everyone and his children that I was the reason for there marriage breakdown,,,,, GOD i didnt even know he existed then. The kids believe everything there mother has told them, we have found out since that she was seeing 3men whilst married and has had two further affairs in the last 2years with married men, but both men have dumped her when they have found out what she is like.... The mention of her name makes my blood boil, as i have been blamed for all sorts when i wasnt even there. h2b wont tel girls real reason he left as he dosnt think they are old enuf to understand the full implications, the only thing he has told them, on my insistence is that I was not involved the his marriage breakup, but i dont think they believe him, they only come to our house everyother saturday morning when i am at work, as they dont want to spend time with me,

    I think if I came face to face with his ex i would seriously want to punch her lights out...She is EVIL. our only hope is that as the girls when they are older will see her for what she is, and realise i am not the evil stepmother, just someone who would love to be their friend!

    Sorry for the Rant,
  • Jo-excitedJo-excited Posts: 271

    Forgot to say,,, best way to deal with ex wifes, is to ignore them, dont let them know your mad.. I have found out that the ex has done things on purpose to get us annoyed, and when we dont rise to it, it has driven her mad,,, She is jealous as hell that we are getting married and that her ex husband has found somone he can be happy with and who he trusts.... She has a friend who tells us all what she is doing to try and annoy us, and it now just makes us laugh, there not worth it,,,

    Hamster , just get on with your new life with your new man, yes he has a child but he is your man now,not hers.!

    Good luck
  • awebsterukawebsteruk Posts: 368

    You are so right.

    He is marrying me and I shouldn't let her complex come between us 2.

    It is hard and really I think I need to be a little more mature about it rather than fly off the


    I know deep down it is done to wind me up and she is succeeding lol!

    I have now turned over a new leaf, I am mature and beyond her reach heheheeheh

    That is my new mantra!!!!!
  • BaxterukBaxteruk Posts: 3,373
    Not all ex wives are lying manipulative bitches, Im one and I still get the crap from ex husband. He left me for a younger model - I was only 32 fgs - and she then decides to cause as much probs as pos! I've carried on with my life, I have a new baby and a new man but for some really insane reason he thinks i still want him!!! Dont get a weekend that he has the boys where he isnt ringing me up and slaggin me off for something or other that i may or may not have done!! Sorry to butt in here but I just had to say it isnt always ex wives who are total losers!
  • awebsterukawebsteruk Posts: 368
    Hiya Mogelet,

    Thanks for balancing the argument up!

    Sorry to hear ex-hubby can't move on, they honestly think the world revolves around

    them. He is probably jealous because you have moved on, well done to you.

  • 1920sBride1920sBride Posts: 1,143
    Well well, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has this prob with an ex.

    In my case my ex has told everyone that H2b and I were sleeping together before he and I split up. H2b and I were Mates at the time and spoke in the pub once in a blue moon but that is it, we didn't get involved until a yr after I had spilt from ex!! I have set the story striaght and he isn't really seen around anymore.

    Then there is H2b's ex, well she is a right peice of work. I personally think she lives in a world of her own!! H2b left her after finding out she was sleeping around every chance she got. She then caused him loads of trouble at work which just about sent him to the nut house ( it didn't cuase those of us who really knew him did't believe a word and supported him through it), a few mths ago his ex cornered me in the toilets at our loacl pub image She was going on at me about how he was holding up the Divorce by not signing papers. that SHE thought he wants to get back together with her( not in this life time or the next the thought of her makes him blow up) that's why he is not signing anything ( signed everything because i was sat with him when he did and I put them in the post) , she had asked him for the divorce which he agreed to ( he called her and told her to get a move on with the divorce) and asked me to have a word with him. Now if I didn't know him it could have cuased reall probs between us. But I knew she was trying to split us up.

    I agree with Jo-excited, let her do her work on the flight but I don't think she will even think about homework once you get there, there will be too much gong on and it'llbe exciting for her.

    Don't worry you'll have a wonderful day and it'll be his Ex that will be having the rotten time knowing that the both of you are happy!!

  • I have a great one as well, as soon as me and h2b announced we were getting married his ex got engaged to her boyfriend. It could have been a coincidence but i think not. Her wedding is 3 months after ours but everytime we do something for our wedding, she will go and do the exact same thing even though it is too far in advance for her wedding. For example we were told his sons didn't need to be fitted for their suits until one month before but they came when the men got fitted for theirs. The next weekend she takes the boys to get fitted even though their wedding was 6 months away.

    All i hear is how big their limo is and how huge the day is going to be even though they have no money whatsoever.

    I don't want a competition i just want to get married so i am trying to not let her take the shine off my planning.

    I'm a bit worried about why she is doing it all though and i keep thinking what else is she going to try and do.

    She has now started being difficult about our wedding weekend itself and when we can see the boys.

    I think she needs to move on with her life but she doesn't seem to be able to.

    Feel a bit depressed that she is always going to be in our lives manipulating and evil.

    Hope everyone else in the same situation still has a fantastic wedding whatever the ex's try and do xx
  • Jo-excitedJo-excited Posts: 271


    I know what you mean, my h2b's ex has just recently been dumped after about 10months, he finished with her about 2weeks before Valentines day, and we have found out since that she had booked and paid for a weekend away to Paris, (for valentines)where she was going to propose to him... but he scupperd her plans by dumping her,,, maybe he got wind of her plans I dont know, but he sure has had one lucky escape, and I am sure she was proposing so that she could say she was also getting Married, (we get married in August) and also she would be doing EVERYTHING BIG, just to try and take the shine of our day. But what a relief when the guy finaly came to his senses and saw what a mad woman she is.

    So the following week she went out and changed her car, to a soft top, (which is what we have) . This is also the woman with no money!!. she is soooo jealous its crazy, she cant move on with her life and has to feel she is doing one better all the time, but now we tell the kids very little of what is going on in our lives as it all goes back ( not intentionaly i dont think) but she does quiz them to find out.

    So now we say nothing and ask nothing, and h2b just spends a few hours everyother weekend with his girls and keeps mum about all our plans.

    Dont let your ex's wife get to you, i have found best way is to ignore them, it annoys them to death.

    Good luck

  • Thanks it does really help to have a rant on here and your advice too.

    It makes you wonder why some people are like that. It's a shame that when the boys go back there and are excited about things we are doing she tries to turn it in to a competition. I think one day everyone will see through her.

    I know we are getting married for the right reasons though and i don't think that she can be that happy in her own life. It sounds as though your situation is similar so good luck to you too xx
  • Jo-excitedJo-excited Posts: 271

    We have come to the same conclusion, its taken a while to come to this, beacuse you want everything to be happy, and for everyone to move on, unfortunatley this dosnt always happen, but my h2b's girls are 12 and nearly 14, and they are going thru the difficult stroppy teenage thing as well, but we just hope as they get older and they see the string of men come and go, beacuse this will happen because history is repeating its self as her mother was the same. We then hope that the girls will see her for what she is, and realise that all we have ever wanted was a normal relationship with them and to have time and fun with them, I just hope it all dosnt come to late,.. It is hard to keep from not dragging the kids into and to tell them what a EVIL woman there mother is, but you cant do this, as they will only hate you more and protect there mother more, I think the girls are actually frightened of there mothers mad mood swings and do anything to keep her happy... which will change as they grow up.

    So in the meantime we just carry on with our lives and if the girls are part of it, then that is great for h2b but if they are not then there is nothing we can do about it, we have made it clear, there is always a open door for them if they want to come more regularly etc. But thats about all we can do. Its bloody frustrating but not going to let it intrude or spoil our relationship which it could if you let it.

    Bloody ex wifes grrrrrrrrr image
  • Yes I agree bloody ex wives!!

    That must be even harder for you as the girls are going through the difficult teenage years, i am not looking forward to that!

    I just hope in time it gets easier and i learn how to not get annoyed when she does all her stupid things.

    I really had no idea some people are that sad and pathetic!
  • BaxterukBaxteruk Posts: 3,373
    Kat and Jo

    You think its just ex wives who cause problems. I announced I was pregnant and the next week so was ex husbands girlfriend, except she wasnt coz it took 12 months for their baby to arrive! Now we have said we are getting married so guess what so are they! I dont know if its a security thing but Its really trying!! we have learnt not to talk about too much stuff in front of boys coz although they dont mean to it aalways gets back to their dads and the next thing we know its "Well youre only having one limo, we're having 2!!" Its ridiculous but had to say its not only the ex wives who are difficult!
  • Sorry moglet didn't mean to offend and say all ex wives are the same, it's just in our particular situation she is the one who seems to be unable to move on and has all the jealousy.

    I can't believe someone would have a child to try and compete with you that sounds so sad. I hope your situation gets easier. They don't sound like they are very happy xx
  • BaxterukBaxteruk Posts: 3,373
    You didnt offend, just wanted to even the argument out! And no i dont think theyre happy or he wouldnt leave so often and stay at his parents!!! But i am blissfully happy so i dont care - he he he
  • bellelouisebellelouise Posts: 896
    my partners ex is fine with us,and her and i get on ok for the sake of their son. my ex on the other hand who wrecked our marrige by having an affair with my ex best mate is an evil nasty man who hasnt seen his kids since xmas, didnt buy them any gifts then or for their birthdays laast year. now they dont want to know him which he blames me for.

    But life goes on and the most important thing is the kids and their welfare.
  • mand64mand64 Posts: 34
    My ex gets married in Cuba in October (without our sons) - anyone know when the hurricane season is? He spent the first 2 years since we split up in 1999 denying that he was with his now fiancee (whom he worked with...), then when he got made redundant he didn't tell the CSA when he got another job (but they found out...) then when he changed his job again they found out...then it came out that he hadn't told them he had been living with her since 2000 and had been claiming he was a single person to reduce his maintenance costs! Can anyone suggest a suitable wedding gift?!
  • LowesyukLowesyuk Posts: 389
    OMG I am so with you ladies.

    My h2b's ex has just decided to cause another drama between him and his girls. It basically centres around the fact that we can afford to pay to have my hair done (hello - I have a job!!!) but we are not willing for a 15 year old who sends around 1000 texts a month to take her mobile on holiday for us to foot the bill. It makes me feel sick to think that this woman is supposedly fit to be a parent but even after all this time (they've been apart for nearly 4 years) she's still using the kids as pawns and still won't sign any divorce papers. I don't know what she thinks she's going to achieve - I mean if we'd have split up because of all the stress she's caused then fine, but you'd think she'd know when to give up. Also, do these people have no pride???? He's only a man after all and if (God forbid) anything happened between my h2b and me to make us split, I wouldn't still be around trying to get his attention and trying to cause trouble 4 years later. It gives us normal girls a bad name!!image

    And you're right btw - it does really help to have a rant :\)

  • louisa25uklouisa25uk Posts: 422
    Hmmmm, just gonna throw a different spin into the mix.... You ladies all sound like you're willing step mums, and want to be involved in the kids lives.... Not all are like that. No, I'm not a step mum, or step mum to be, but I am a step daughter (see the different spin??).

    I'm now 26, got married at 25, and had a HUGE headache trying to keep everyone happy. And by everyone, I mean my parents, (who divorced when I was 8!!). My SM married my dad when I was 13, we (my two brothers and I) were invited, but it was assumed by my dad that my mum would drive us 30 miles to the ceremony/reception, and hang around to take us home, not participating in the day. Fair enough you wouldn't want an ex there but to assume they'd just hang around.... Anyway... few months later dad and SM came to pick us up for a day out, and to cut a long story short SM was (unnessescarily) very rude to mum, in front of us, at an age we were old enough to notice.

    My dad didn't help with the whole step relationship either... There was a photo of a woman in his bedsit, of her IN his bedsit, in his hat, but he said she was just a friend. Until the very next week when she was introduced as his girlfriend!! We went to a busy market, and at the age of 9, I needed to hold the hand of an adult, which she would not do. Dad said nothing.

    When it came to my wedding, I knew I didn't want her to come, but felt I should invite my dad, much to my mothers dissappointment. To cut a long story short, my dad decided not to come. Because of his wife.

    So despite my best efforts at being impartial, and trying to have a relationship with her, she doesn't want to know. Which, actually, I don't particularly care about now. My mum never once said anything bad about SM, but mum and dad made snide comments bout each other.

    Well done you guys for trying...
  • mrsmoore2bukmrsmoore2buk Posts: 372
    Lowsey......heres a thought...after four years you don't actually need her to sign papers to be granted a divorce.He can divorce on the grounds of 2 years seperation and get the court baliff to serve her papers then she has a certain length of time to respond ,if she chooses not to he automatically has the divorce granted.I suggest he see's a solicitor or you can do it yourself i have a link for all the paperwork you need if you would like it.
  • LowesyukLowesyuk Posts: 389
    Thanks MrsMoore2b - that would be great.

    Just gets a bit tiring turning the other cheek all the time - I'm surely a candidate for sainthood by now ;\)
  • im having exac the same probs with h2b ex wife. she wont let me n h2b get on with our lives in peace.she just cant see that h2b doesnt want her anymore and she always uses the kids to get at us.after 8years of h2b and ex being divorced and a marriage that only lasted 6 months she still causes probs between us, i dont let it get to me as much now cos im used to it, but its just so hard for the kids.i feel so sorry for them,but they will learn in time exactly wot she is like.their daughter who is 16 on saturday keeps saying to me she will be my bridesmaid then she not, she is she isnt, wot a nitemare im having i just cant be doin with this,its so stressful.x
  • louisa25uklouisa25uk Posts: 422
    Us step kids do have divided loyalties, so maybe your step daughter is trying to keep both her mum and you and her dad happy? It's hard to find a happy medium when both parents have a lot of bitterness towards each other.... x
  • sonjayuksonjayuk Posts: 137
    My goodness some of these ex wives give us females a bad name!! My problem is with my ex husband who continues to have his little 'digs' even though we've been split for 10 years and divorced for 5. His delusional ego can't seem to get over the fact that I left him (to keep my sanity), survived and successfully moved on with my life. After our 2 year separation he decided to withdraw his consent to the divorce the day before we went to court so I waited the 5 years and threw a huge party when absolute came thru!! After being on my own for many years, finally and very unexpectedly I met my fabulous h2b. Why is ex so bothered? Your guess is as good as mine - he's in a relationship and has been for some time so I can't for the life of me see the problem he has with me - we live almost 200 miles away from each other and I have absolutely no interest in his life. Maybe it's because my h2b is younger, I am at last, truly happy and my life is good. Since he's heard about our wedding, he's tried to make things difficult (I won't go into it now though it would make a good soap opera) but I choose to ignore him as I have always done and I think that's what gets to him most of all - I didn't rise to any of the things he said and did (though he would try the patience of a saint!!) but I won't deny that what he did hurt a lot and I shed many a tear in private. My mum has a saying 'God never sleeps and he'll get his in time' and I know he will. Our children are grown up now so I don't need to speak to him and they have seen him for the person he really is. I actually pity him - I just wish he'd let it go and move on but some people for whatever reason, can't and it's so sad.
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