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Negativity on my 2nd wedding


Just wondering if anyone else is getting lots of suggestions about how big there 2nd wedding should be....

I will be 33 when i get married for the 2nd time, not that i believe that there is anything wrong with this, my past is a past and there is a reason why my ex never made it into my future, however I am getting lots of comments about my 2nd wedding

Such as why am I wearing a dress why cant I wear a trouser suit, I NEVER wear trousers so why this was suggested I dont know, this was by my mum who knows this too,

Why are we not doing minimal? Why are we planning it like its a big day when we have done it before

Its just so hurtful, I am not having anything extravagant but it is our day we are paying for it all and we want to do it how we want it, but when your own close relatives keep putting things down its so hard to bite my tongue

Had anyone else had this too



  • sprite68sprite68 Posts: 727
    Hi. I'm 41 & getting married for the second time next May. I totally agree that there is nothing wrong with getting married again - you are doing it because you want it & it will make you & your h2b happy. My h2b has also been married before. I was a teenage bride & we grew apart. My h2b had a tough time throughout most of his previous marriage of 18 years. We're planning this together as it's what we want. I'm having the dress - this time chosen by me to suit me, not being persuaded by opinion on what I 'should' have. We're not having an extravagent day either & are paying for everything ourselves. We've had a few comments from friends about why we're bothering when we already live together, etc. I'd say 'go for it' - it's what the two of you want that counts. Good luck. x
  • Mitme08Mitme08 Posts: 503
    Hiya girls

    just wanted to comment on this usually im a watcher

    i got married last yr and it was my third time but my first real wedding i also had some negativity but when i said to people that i was having the full monty when i got oh why my reply was because i want it and any body who doesnt wish me well should not be at my wedding u have everything u want girls and blow any negativity as the people that really want the best for you will be at your wedding. oh and i was 51 and loved every minute we had a fantastic day wish i could put pics on as i was so pleased about the whole day xxxx
  • Hi Cantwaittowed, you're getting exactly the same as I am...... "you're not wearing white or ivory are you?" "Why does it have to be a church?" "You're not having a big wedding are you?" "You've done it before why not just live together?" "Why can't you just go to a registry office then go out to dinner with a few friends?"

    It hurts! Because I want them to be as happy as I am and I keep being penalised for a mistake. Noone's on my side of the family has even really congratulated me on my engagement!

    Particularly when I said that a church was important to me spiritually and my mother said "well saying the vows in church didn't make a difference last time"........... I was suprised at myself, I actually managed to count to 10 and then gently point out that it wasn't me who'd broken the vows!

    I'm a big girl now, I'll be nearly 35 when we get married, I think lol my maths might be off! And I think those of us who've been there, done it and got th divorce papers know far more than the star struck first timers, no disrespect. But we're paying for it, we know it isn't all hearts and flowers all the time, and most of us, hopefully have learnt from what went on before.

    I am lucky that my MIL2B and my SIL2B are lovely and are really really pleased for us! As well as our friends! Everyone else will come round, I hope, they've got til 2011 to figure it out! image
  • I guess i'm lucky as I have only had one sarky comment (about why am I wearing white....) but on the whole people who know me are happy for me - my first husband was a verbally abusive bully who reduced me to a shadow of who I was, I count myself very lucky to have met a wonderful man and to be marrying him, and I want to celebrate it - why should I have to sneak off and do it quietly as if i'm embarrassed?! It is your day (and H2B obviously lol!) and you should be able to do whatever the hell you want!! I know it will be hard, but just try to ignore them and rise above it. I wish you all the love and luck in the world, be happy xxx
  • siani68siani68 Posts: 12
    This is such a wonderful thread to be reading. I thought I was the only girl thinking that I was doing this 'alone'! The first time around, I had so much support from friends and family, and particularly Mum. This time, its 'we didn't think you would marry again', 'why can't you just live together' and the best yet, 'who knows how many more weddings there are going to be'!! I feel hurt, and often depressed that I have no one who wants to share my wonderful thoughts and feelings with me. Other than my h2b of course! But its the girly things that you want to share. 'Oh, a full wedding dress? Aren't you pushing the boat out a bit far?' So what if I am? Its the first and last time that I am marrying my h2b and I want to celebrate that fact! I WANT to be a bride again! I love my dress, and had such fun going to choose it - luckily I do have one friend who has been fantastic. But one of my closest friends hasn't really congratulated us, didn't send us an engagement card, and has never ever mentioned the wedding since! We have been engaged a couple of months now. Its heartbreaking at times, because you just want everyone to be happy. But you have to ignore the hurt and pain, half the time I think people don't have a clue how they are making you feel. its your big day, do what YOU and your h2b want, and enjoy it. its the best day of your lives. good luck xxxxx;\)
  • I had the 'will you be wearing a nice suit' thing from my mum, and I said no, I am not having a wedding dress, but a nice evening gown, and I am having a bloody lovely day! She said that, and she loves my h2b far more than my first husband who I was with for 22 years. Anyway she must have thought about things and she has asked if she can please but my dress!! OF COURSE!! Love you mum!!
  • Oh my goodness, I am a second time bridetobe and I have just read this thread and feel quite gutted.

    I have not had any negative response from close family and friends (thankfully) but now I am worrying if any of them are thinking "trouser suit, small do, etc".

    My 1st wedding was awful, registry office, bought the 1st dress I tried on (only ever tried on two!), nothing romantic and didn't really make much of a fuss about any of it.

    This time I am marrying the man of my dreams and I really want to get married in a church because I take my vows seriously (pity my exhusband never did). I actually feel this marriage is far more important than my first marriage not just because I am definitely in love this time but because we both have children from our previous marriages.

    I see our wedding as our family uniting together, our children, my sons aged 8 and 9, his daughter aged 9 are very very close and have always got on well together so I want to celebrate this especially because we will officially become step-parents not just husband and wife.

    I have tried on many dresses and have chose an Ian Stuart dress, I am still researching on the perfect reception venue but believe me it will be a grand occasion.

    It's a celebration of your love and commitment to someone so if it is important to you then show how important it is to everyone else by having exactly what you want on your wedding day.

    If I hear any negative comments about having a second marriage then I will immediately remove that person from my guest list. Why should I pay for someone to enjoy a free meal, drinks, entertainment and they can't even be happy for me?
  • siani68siani68 Posts: 12
    Mrs Barnes2be, you are so right!

    Only problem would be barring my mum from the guest list! Not really the best way to start married life! However, I agree wholeheartedly with you about having the perfect day, that is exactly what I intend to do! Have chosen a beautiful Essence of Australia dress, have my headress, shoes and even earrings - all chosen with my very good friend. Mum doesn't even know I have bought them, as she hasn't asked. I am sure she will get over her feelings, but if she doesn't, then that is her problem. I will have the best day ever, marrying my true soul mate, who I am so lucky to have found. The best h2b, the best step dad to be etc etc

    Thanks for your good words.

  • I agree with you Siani and Barnes-to-be.

    I have a 2 hour long telephone call with my mum this week about the reasons why I'm marrying, our relationship, the kids etc etc etc, and basically it boils down to the fact she thinks we should wait til the kids leave home....... the youngest being 4, that will be a while!

    They hated my ex, and last time they didn't offer me any congratulations or anything. This time they like him but "there's too much baggage".

    She even said that surely I could have just kept him as we were in our seperate houses and just occassionally, well, you know lolol!image She thinks that would have been perfect.

    WHat beacme clear is that she has no comprehension of how good a relationship can be when you have a friend and lover all rolled in to one. When you're soulmates. And when you have the benefit of the awful divorce experience NOT to want to do it all again.

    Like I said to her, I'm not blinded by the whole romantic thing now (not that I really was before but I convinced myself it would pan out, besides when you've had a child together you marry them, end of!), I'm ten years older and a hell of alot wiser. I've learnt my lessons the hard way.

    I, like many of you, want a day to celebrate the joy and happiness I feel at having found this wonderful man and our children 14, 9, 6 and 4 are one happy normal unit too, baring the odd sibling scrap.

    Everyone has til 2011 to get over their own issues with it, or not come. As you say, Barnes to be, they'll get struck off the list!
  • I really feel for you when it comes to your mother's opinions - that's the last person you want to be critcising you.

    My mother is not brilliant, she's not been with me to pick a dress, look at venues etc. But I knew this before we announced our engagement so I told my fiance under no circumstances should he ask my father for my hand in my marriage because it's not up to him, it's up to the people who it matters to the most - our children!! Which is exactly what he did, they were happy with us getting married and that is all that mattered to us.

    Our children are our immediate family whereas with my 1st marriage there was no children so that was a different story.

    My 2nd wedding is far more important to me than my first, and as you rightly said when you have been through the horrible experience of divorce then a 2nd marriage is not something you do lightly. I KNOW I love this man, I KNOW I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I KNOW he's a fantastic stepdad.

    I think our parents from the previous generation are more likely to stay in their first marriage no matter how unhappy they are because that is what you do. I think they are envious of us having the balls to end our first marriages and find the RIGHT one for us. It's something they never did and I would imagine it makes them feel a bit sad. (I can't speak for everyone but I know this is why my mother is the way she is.)

    Anyway, second marriages doesn't mean second class, second hand or second rate. Second marriages are men and women who bring far more experience to a relationship and with far more dedication to what really matters.
  • Well said Barnesto be.

    Your Mum feels like mine does. 40 odd years this week, and they'll buy cards and feel precisely nothing. They're great people seperately. They're just not right together. And you're right, it's sad.
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