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Anyone 1st time for you but 2nd time for H2b?

Just wondering if anyone else was in the same boat and how you feel about and how it has affected your wedding plans?



I mean I am used to that fact h2b has been married before (nearly 5 years ago, at age 23 - it was a disaster with a stereotypical psycho that lasted less than 5 months) and I accept it, but it can take the shine off organising your wedding. None of my friends have anything but the perfect 1st time for both of them so would be nice to hear from anyone in the same situation.



Sorting out getting married in church was incredibly hard work (and felt uncomfortable) - had to even go to a head office committee hearing to get approval. I worry that h2b's not very interested in anything as he's done it all before. His family aren't interested in the slightest and I feel like that's why - they helped pay for the 1st wedding but haven't offered a penny towards ours, which just makes me feel a bit worthless, especially as they literally have about ten times the amount of money as my parents, who are being fantastic. Before I /we make any decisions such as dress, hairstyle, bridesmaid dress colour, flowers, cake, rings, readings etc etc I need to make sure it's not what was chosen before. Hardly any of his friends/family/family friends seem to be coming - it's literally now 75% my guests, 25% his, which is not the way I want it at all. I'm worried there will be previous wedding references in his best man's speech (ie: here we all are again...) which will make me feel rubbish and embarrassed (and won't be able to avoid the bright red blush visible to all from the top table).



Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be getting married and looking forward to the wedding - just wistfully wish it was simpler, like everyone else's...



Anyone know what I mean?



x

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  • Just wondering if anyone else was in the same boat and how you feel about and how it has affected your wedding plans?



    I mean I am used to that fact h2b has been married before (nearly 5 years ago, at age 23 - it was a disaster with a stereotypical psycho that lasted less than 5 months) and I accept it, but it can take the shine off organising your wedding. None of my friends have anything but the perfect 1st time for both of them so would be nice to hear from anyone in the same situation.



    Sorting out getting married in church was incredibly hard work (and felt uncomfortable) - had to even go to a head office committee hearing to get approval. I worry that h2b's not very interested in anything as he's done it all before. His family aren't interested in the slightest and I feel like that's why - they helped pay for the 1st wedding but haven't offered a penny towards ours, which just makes me feel a bit worthless, especially as they literally have about ten times the amount of money as my parents, who are being fantastic. Before I /we make any decisions such as dress, hairstyle, bridesmaid dress colour, flowers, cake, rings, readings etc etc I need to make sure it's not what was chosen before. Hardly any of his friends/family/family friends seem to be coming - it's literally now 75% my guests, 25% his, which is not the way I want it at all. I'm worried there will be previous wedding references in his best man's speech (ie: here we all are again...) which will make me feel rubbish and embarrassed (and won't be able to avoid the bright red blush visible to all from the top table).



    Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be getting married and looking forward to the wedding - just wistfully wish it was simpler, like everyone else's...



    Anyone know what I mean?



    x

  • XWendyXukXWendyXuk Posts: 754
    Hi Kitten B



    I have read your thread and whilst I dont want to be mean I think you should stop comparing your wedding to everyone else....what does it matter if your H2B has been married before? He is marrying you and clearly loves you to bits!!



    I dont think you should bring up his previous marriage, it mustnt be nice for him to keep being reminded of what happened and I am sure he wants you to have whatever you want regardless of what he has had before....and as for your wedding not being perfect you can make it as perfect as you want to be, you need to do your own thing and not compare your big day to that of your friends.



    I hope you dont think I am speaking out of turn but I have been on the receiving end of smart comments regarding my previous marriage, I wont go into it I was young and stupid but the constant smart comments from people really do start to get you down.



    Plan the wedding you and your H2B want and leave the past in the past.

    Good Luck xxx
  • cazzie36cazzie36 Posts: 1,433
    hi kitten its my first time but h2bs 2nd . he was married to his ex for 10 years

    he is really looking forward to our wedding and helping with the planning as last time he didnt get a say in anything cos she booked the registar office and a restaurant across the road from it for reception

    We are having a church wedding (his choice) followed by reception at a lovely golf club

    the only thing that bothers me is tht i dont feel his family are ass interested with it beng his second time around,

    good luck wwith everything xx
  • Hey Kitten, its my first and only yime and my H2b second time. he married his wwife first tim round as they had childfree and it seemed thee right thing to do. It was her 2nd time so they only had a little wedding, she wore a suit and he did too. Wasnt a big wedding or anything.



    I felt like you for a few days thinking did thye have this, that or the otherand ended up telling myself to get over it and stop been so stupid, i's not about what him and her had its about me and hubby to be and our special day. Have planned it the way I wanted and thought sod everyone else! My family arent interested and MIL2B doesnt seem to be much either but suits me fine as less people to interfere. Only thing P has said is he doesnt want me to have my hair up in curls as that was how she had her hair which peed me off a tad but I can see it from his point of view.



    Honey all I can suggest is totally frgeet about his ex and their wedding hubby to be is with you beause he loves you and wants to marry you. Its diffiulkt enough planning a wedding as it is without worrying about that as well. Enjoy xxx
  • Mrsdl2bMrsdl2b Posts: 77
    Hi there



    Im in the same boat and used to get the 'his family have been there done that!' feeling.



    At the end of the day though I say to myself I havnt and I know our day will be special and I blooming deserve it to be and so do you! He must really love you and like my h2b made a mistake when young.



    The same as you though in that I want everything to be different to the way it was his first time but luckily he wasnt to involved in planning with his ex so its all new to him and hes happily coming along to wedding shows and getting really excited. He felt pushed into it the first time cos they had a child at 17 and he felt he was doing the right thing,he didnt even propose to her and she put the ring on her own finger!



    Try not to let it spoil what should be a happy time. Just remember you are two people in love and your wedding is a celebration of that.xxx
  • ailsa76ailsa76 Posts: 110
    hello



    me too! it does get a bit weird sometimes, doesn't it? every now and then i'll ask if he had something at his first wedding or not before we go and ahead and agree it, but i sort of do it as a joke. luckily his parents are really excited about us getting married (his 1st marriage was another one of convenience because they got pregnant!), but sometimes little comments about the other wedding (at his parents' house - an all-nighter!!) slip out that worry me.



    the main thing is that i want everyone to enjoy themselves, especially as he says this is his 'real wedding'. i'm sure all our h2bs feel like that...



  • Thank you so much girls for your replies, it is really nice and reassuring to hear of people in the same position! And of course you are all right - this is about him and me and that's all that matters! And that is all what it is about, it's just the practicalities here and there do have a slightly different slant (ie: we try to pick reading - he loses interest, like a typical bloke! - and I pick one, but he then tells me later he doesn't want that one as he thinks he's had it before...) It's fine, and I don't find it upsetting really, just a wee bit more challenging, and it is nice to know i'm not the only one!



    And absolutely this is his -real' wedding as far as I'm concerned. I think I just wish his parents were more interested, but good point mrsricho2b - that does mean less people to interfere! His last experience was a bit more of the traditional white wedding than some of yours (which means more similarities), but it was the same general theme of not what he wanted. He didn't propose to her either, she basically took him to a jewellers, picked one out and got him to pay and that was that.



    The idea of being a second wife is weird though isn't it? I guess if I was a bit older it wouldn't at all, but when you are at the first time around for everyone age it is odd. And yesterday my mum, out of nowhere, brought up h2b's ex and referred to her as his wife. Funny, not upsetting, but not exactly what you want to hear from your own mum a month before your wedding!image



    XWendyX - I think you've taken me the wrong way. I don't really say any of this to him, hence why I'm writing on here! I think he brings it up more and anyway it is generally in the way ailsa76 describes, joke-y and light-hearted. We are happy together and it's not a massive bone of contention. And I'm really only talking about it from the organisational/planning/in-law stressing side of things! And it's just weird because absolutely no one our age we know is in the same boat. I'm really genuinely sorry if I have upset you. And i'm also sorry that people are making smart comments that upset you. I'm sure they have no idea how you feel and you should maybe bring it up?



    Good luck everyone anyway with all the plans - no matter what, i'm sure our weddings will be loads better than the first! X

  • XWendyXukXWendyXuk Posts: 754
    Hey Kitten B



    You didnt upset me I just want you and your H2B to have a perfect day without worrying what has happened in the past, speaking as someone who is in his position I know how hurtful some comments can be! I am sorry hun I didnt know you didnt say any of it too him! Thats good!



    Have a wonderful time planning,this website is great for all the ideas, really helped me (well still helping!)



    Big hugs



    Wendy xx
  • hi kitten,

    im getting married for the first time next may, my H2B has been married previously, but it was over 10 years ago and we have been together for along time. because its my first marriage, i iitially wanted to get wed in a church(not that im a big churchgoer), but it was gonna be a bit complicated, and hed done that all before, so im now trying to make OUR wedding alittle bit unconventional-and having it my way. It will be a cvil ceremony in a beautiful country home and a garden party afterwards.

    His children will be attending- they are teenagers and although we have a good relationship, i know it will be strange for them, seeing their father marry another woman. we have asked them to take part in the ceremony, but yet we havnt ad any firm decisions- not pushing it though.

    EX's are always a difficult part of any relationship, and the complications that sometimes brings, but think positive and make it your day, whether he wants to help you organise things or not, as long as he is supporting you. remember men generally are not good at these things(lol).

    Hope things work out - x
  • Hi Kitten B



    I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you are saying. It's very difficult, especially when all your friends haven't been in the same situation. I'm the same as you, only a small amount of his family are attending. It's upsetting. But my family are so excited and me and h2b are. I found it very difficult in the beginning, but me and h2b have discussed it openly. I did that whole comparing thing. Like picking the first dance song. I was really wanting the one that they'd had (didn't know), and h2b had to tell me. That was upsetting.



    You're not alone in how you feel x
  • robsiarobsia Posts: 456
    Like you - this is my first time but my h2b's 2nd. He was married to his ex for 16 years - we are a bit older (37 and 41).



    His first marriage was quite small as they didn't have much money. We don't have that much either but we can afford to go a little more all out. There hasn';t been that much comparison - the only thing that bothered me slightly is that we are having our wedding and reception, and wedding night at the same hotel where they had their wedding night - and where in fact she used to work!



    However, the deal we got at the hotel was so fantastic that it would have been stupid to turn it down. I made him promise not to tell me if it was the same room - I don't know if they have more than one honeymoon suite.



    We are not doing a church wedding as he is lapsed Catholic and I don't believe so there was no reason for a church wedding His parents have been really good - in fact his whole family never even mention his ex - they are of the opinion that she did him a favour by leaving him free to meet me - lol!



    I did put my foot down at Malta for our honeymoon as he had a family holiday with her there and I wanted somewhere for our honeymoon that wasn't tainted with previous memories. We are going to Rome and Venice and neither of us has been there so that's good.



    I haven't really asked about his previous wedding and I certainly don't check that things were used before!! As it was such a long time ago it's unlikely anyway, and he probably wouldn't remember.
  • It's my first, h2b's 2nd. Lucky for me there wont be one person at our wedding that was at his first! He cant remember the details of the 1st anyway and I'm not bothered - the 2 weddings are worlds and lifetimes apart xxx

    [Modified by: Pinklace on November 15, 2009 06:26 PM]

  • Hi Kitten / Ladies..



    Think we shuld start a second wives club image



    it's my first time too but not H2B and whilst I agree with what Wendy has said and I'd prob tell my friends the same thing, I'm with you - I need to know what colour scheme they had, how many bridesmaids, did she have her hair up or down etc just so I don't have the same...



    Prob is men being men, he can't remember half he stuff... i'm petrified of something happening on the day, say music / whatever and his damn mother will say, Oh, you did that at your wedding with X.. Yeo - she is that insenstitive!!



    His Mum is not contributing either - has already said she pad for his first wedding (which she did'nt as the brides parents paid for that!!)



    I get a little annoyed sometimes that i'm having to have a smaller wedding as we are paying for it ourselves (my parents divorced, neiother flush for cash) but then I have to tell myself that ours will be more initmate and romantic, only people we want there rather than the show the last one was for him!



  • lizzyp83lizzyp83 Posts: 139
    Hi girls, it's nice to read this post - I'm in the same situation and so so excited about our wedding, but then occasionally do think about how it must have been for h2b first time around.



    We are lucky enough to have a great vicar at my local parish church who is really happy to marry us and speaking to him was really interesting - what he said might help a few people here... He said that second time weddings are in some ways even nicer because no-one has to prove anything (how much money they can spend, how wonderful their wedding can be etc), and it shows not only so much love, but also hope (a previous marriage has failed but the person still believes in love).

    This will sound very cheesey, but I think it should make us realise how lucky we are that our h2b's have had the heartache of a previous marriage but love us so much that they still believe in marriage and that this time around can work out - does that make sense?



    That may help with the second 'marriage' bit, but I guess it still doesn't help with the 'wedding' bit does it?? My only thought is that we will have quite a lot of the same guests there and I just hope that they won't be thinking of his previous wedding. It's a bit weird to think of that. And I can totally agree with most people's feelings on this subject - it would be easier if it was his first time too!!

    Xx
  • It is so nice to hear from people in the same situation! I don't know anyone in this situation at all so it is good to know i'm not alone. And it's true Lizzyp83 that we are lucky that our boys still believe in marriage and everything, it is special.



    We've actually had our wedding now, nearly 2 months ago, can't quite believe it, and I can truly say that after fretting about it during all the planning, I don't even think I really thought about it on the day. The minister did, off his own back, do an additional reading that I really wanted to avoid as it was very much something that made me think of his first wedding, but aside from that I was having so much fun and the day was such a crazy whirlwind that it didn't really even cross my mind. I'm sure you will/will have all felt the same! I think some of his friends made a few 'here we are again' jokes but not to me obviously but it didn't bother me.



    Only another couple of months of marriage anyway now until we'll have beaten his previous record and then it will all be brand new for the both of us!



  • mrsg2b_2010mrsg2b_2010 Posts: 1,259
    I can beat you all, this is my h2b's THIRD wedding!!!



    I know what you mean about planning and such, its hard and more and more people from his side are dropping out......dont sound too bad but when there are only 12 people in his family and half of them drop out it looks a bit lopsided considering there are 115 people in the evening!!



    I have just 3 weeks til the wedding and im getting a bit stressed now, today yet another one of his side dropped out, sometimes i feel like i should have just run off to gretna but then i think why the hell should i be thinking like that when its the only time im gonna be getting married and having my dad walk his only child down the aisle!!



    Sorry for the litle rant lol, everything seems bums up at the moment!!



    Hope you all have fun planning your weddings, i know i have done and i cant believe its just round the corner ARGH!!!!



    xxxx
  • My h2b got married 5 years ago and it only lasted a few months although he was with her for 7 years before they got married. He has always been upfront with me about his previous marriage and I appreciate that. I've seen his wedding photos etc and I was so relieved that it was completely different to what I want. However, he organised his previous wedding - she just wanted the day. This time around it is all about what I want. Not that its an issue, if he doesn't like something he tells me. His parents haven't offered to pay any money but then they didn't for his first wedding and due to him being married before I didn't expect the support that we have gotten. We are getting the same wedding present as his brother did a couple of weeks ago for our wedding from his parents and all his friends and family seem happy to attend our wedding. Apparently before he got married before they didn't like his ex. His family were having constant arguments with her but that isn't the case this time. They already see me as their daughter. I can't say that I haven't ever thought "what was their wedding like" but I think of it as this is our wedding, its going to be different because I'm involved. Everything will look different whatever happens so I'm just not worrying about it.
  • honeybeaukhoneybeauk Posts: 477
    It is my first time and h2b 2nd... I find it quite hard being the 2nd wife... esp as it was my idea to get married, h2b has picture (which his mum gave him) of going down on one knee to 1st wife at their engagment party which he worked really hard to pay for and aranged, h2b let me sort out our engagemnet party, also he still has a wedding photo which he wil not get rid of, it is not on show but I do find it strange he still wants to keep it, but saying that he keeps everything.. I sometimes wish I had not mentioned about getting married as i never got that proposal.. feel quite hard done by.. Have mentioned this to h2b but he does not seem bothered.. maybe I am the one with the problem and it should really not be such a big deal.. We are getting married at the start of August so maybe I am just getting the jitters as it is only 4 months away now.. I know it sounds like I should not be getting married as I feel like this, I know how much he loves me and I love him also.. Guess like us all when we were little girls we only dreamed about it being perfect and never imagined anyone compearing it to our h2b first wedding
  • Jess83ukJess83uk Posts: 402
    It's also my 1st time and H2B's 2nd.



    I think that you will never have the perfect wedding you want if you keep spending so much time focussing on the wedding he's already had previously rather than enjoying the time you have planning your own.



    I am having the most amazing time planning our wedding and the thought of what his previous wedding was like never enters my mind.

    The only thing I wanted to know at the start was what colour dresses his bridesmaids wore as I did not want mine to wear the same colour.

    Apart from that I am just planning things as I want them and couldn't care less whether anything is the same as what he had last time.



    I am trying to make the day very personal to us. I'm making my own stationary, cake will be made by my aunt, having photo's up of our hen & stag do's, etc. As long as our personalities shine through then how could it possibly compared to his previous wedding. Even if it is, you know what, I really don't care.

    It should be the day of 'my' dreams and I'm not compromising on anything just because someone else might have had the same thing 10 years ago.



    He wants to be with me, he wants to marry me, and we are having the wedding that we want, regardless of what other people have had before us... surely that's all that matters?!
  • 12016961201696 Posts: 286
    Hello



    Can I join the 2nd wives club! H2B also married before, with two teenage sons who are going to be our best men image

    We were not sure if his parents would want to have a big part in the plans or not, but I think they are so delighted that he is happy again that they have been very supportive.



    I don't think he had much input in the first one, because he is wedding crazy the moment, in fact putting me in the shade!



  • lizzyp83lizzyp83 Posts: 139
    Hiya,



    Something happened the other day that made me think of this thread....

    We went out for dinner with one of my h2b's oldest friends (let's call him N) and his wife (E) - I've only met E a couple of times because we live so far apart, and the first time I met them, she accidentally called me the name of h2b's first wife (so I was a little nervous...)!!

    Anyway, she was asking about our wedding etc and I said something about being glad that the vicar had agreed to marry us, with it being h2b's second wedding. Se replied "oh gosh, I hadn't even thought about him being married before" - even though her husband (N) had been the best man!!



    Basically I'm just trying to say that it's made me realise that a lot of guests won't even be thinking of that at all, which was something I had felt a bit apprehensive about.



    Jess83 - I love your outlook, you are so so right, it's all about having the day you really really want! I just wish I coudl switch off my worrying sometimes!!



    Honeybea - hope you're ok and getting lots of support for the wedding planning from friends or family? Hopefully when you are happily married you will be able to get over these jitters and realise that it never matters who proposed to who or who organised the wedding etc. This marriage will be for life!



    When are you girls all getting married? Our date is 16th October, and we've just booked our honeymoon - yeay!!



    Xxx
  • honeybeaukhoneybeauk Posts: 477
    Thanks lizzyp83,



    your post was so kind... I am ok now, just sometimes I have "moments"



    We are both looking forward to our wedding also both sets of families are also so I know everything will be ok.



    It is 17 weeks this wenesday just gone ( not that I'm counting) Still waiting for my dress to come back to the shop.. my only problem now is will I ever stop eating...? I doubt I will fit into the dress any more, still as it 17 weeks if I only loose 1-2 pound a week I could end up loosing 1-2 stone and a acheivable target..



    thank you once again lizzy. x



  • Yes for me too. That was 22 years ago and his 20 year old and 16 year old will be bridemaids. When we first announced our engagement his mum very helpfully suggested the same chrich and reception venue which I politely suggested was a bad idea. She then got out all the photos from the first wedding to show me.



    Given that it was in 1988 I don't think our two weddings will be remotely similar. My only concern was how the vicar would be as we are having a church wedding. However he was so lovely about it and that has stopped me worrying about it.







  • KittycatbKittycatb Posts: 34
    Hello



    I'm going to be my H2B's second wife and it's my first (and I do hope last) marriage. I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me at all because I know how much it means to him. He first got married at 24...far too young and had a very traditional wedding arranged pretty much by his first wife and her family. Now at 37 he knows exactly what he wants in terms of his wife and the wedding and shows real interest in the smaller details.



    Plus, I've SEEN his first wedding photos and I am safe in the knowledge our wedding with be a far classier affair...espeically as I won't be wearing an OTT high necked, long sleeved lace dress and sporting an 80's perm worn up in the style of princess aNNE!
  • apple_eggapple_egg Posts: 39
    it??s so reassuring to hear others in the same boat!i have had exactly the same questions & wobbles about our wedding / his last one it??s good to know im not the only one!

    just have to keep telling yourself its you hes marrying & wants to be with & nothing else matters, but its hard sometimes!
  • lizzyp83lizzyp83 Posts: 139
    Sorry, not been on in a while, but nice to hear from more people. I think we all sound pretty sensible about it, but it's nice to sometimes share a few worries. Haha - glad you're not going for an 80s perm and long sleeved lace dress kittycatb! So what is your dress like?



    Great to hear that you had no probs with the vicar Whiterose, ours was like that too. Our vicar's brother got remarried after a divorce recently, so he's fine with it. We also had a couple who already have children at our marriage prep course, so I think our vicar is quite forward-thinking compared to some!!



    Glad to hear you're feeling more positive honeybea image Wow, only 16 weeks to go for you! Hope you're not getting too stressed out about losing weight for the dress - just try to be sensible about it - 1 or 2 pounds ecah week is a really good way to go (what I'm trying to do at the moment as well!) Do you do a particular weight loss plan at all? I kind of follow the ideas of slimming world (although not very strictly!!), and I also find it helps so much to have people to do it with - we have a "weighing club" on a Friday at work, and that makes a big difference to me because I don't want others to see if I have slipped up! But saying all that, as long as you are happy, I don't think too much emphasis should be put on losing weight - I'm sure you'll be a beautiful bride!



    Any more exciting plans or news from anyone? We've just got our details through about our honeymoon - we are off to Kenya on safari - I can't wait!!



    Xxx
  • hellstaylorhellstaylor Posts: 269
    Can I join the second wives club please image



    My H2B prev marriage lasted almost 5 years and they had 2 boys, dated for a long time before. I think I'm lucky because last time he got married it was abroad on their own, so I feel stress free about having his sister as bridesmaid and his brother in law as best man. None of their family attended his prev wedding (they just had abit of a knees up after) so his family are as excited as mine and getting involved.



    For those getting stressed about it remember it's not about the bride of his previous wedding, it's the bride of his future one, that has been and gone, yours is forever.. consider it a practice run image
  • honeybeaukhoneybeauk Posts: 477
    Kittycatb that really made me laugh as that is what h2b first wife looked like... the look also reminding me of one of those toilet doll holders...





    lizzyp83 not doing very well with the healthy eating, thankfully I irdered my dress in teh size I am now as I knew if I ordered smaller I would never do it and would end up with a dress that did not fit.. We have paid out £4000.00 today on ta few of the outstanding bilss.. feeling so much better that they are now paid..



    Also my h2b is 40 in May so trying to arrange a bbq party, ( he knows ) h2b does not want to be 40 so we are just having a "normal" birthday. I have just orederd tickets for war of the worlds in December down in Bournemouth as a birthday present. What with having 6 children between us that all live with us and h2b birthday and planning a wedding no wonder I am reaching for the biscuit tin, quicker that way..
  • It's really interesting to hear everyone's thoughts and experiences.



    I'm in a slightly different position, in that I'm marrying a widower. My fianc????'s first wife died when she was just 30 and he was 31. In some ways it's a really tough act to follow - not like he chose to leave her or the other way round. At the same time though, we've got so much goodwill from his friends and family, even people who were very close to her, as they are all glad to see him happy again.



    We're trying to create a very different feel to the day as well - lots more guests than last time, hogroast rather than sit-down dinner, different best man, etc., etc. There have been a few hard moments as each step has reminded him of doing all this before, but we are both excited now and treating this as a celebration of things going right for him again.



    Is there anyone else out there in a similar position?
  • The major down side for me is that people on H2B's side (friends and family) still see me as the 'new girlfriend' even though we have been together 8.5 years Arrrrggggghhhh!!!



    It drives me absolutely crazy!



    We have been together longer before even getting married than his entire relationship and marriage to previous wife.



    At every family event they still talk about her and ask how she is. The first time I met MIL2B she went on and on about how lovely their wedding was with their green bridesmaid dresses and their beautiful cake and what a lovely day it was! How rude!



    I'm just having my wedding for me. I don't compare it to his first, never really think about it so that doesn't bother me at all but after 8.5 years if his family and some friends can't take our relationship/marraige as seriously as his first then that's their problem, I couldn't really give a toss.
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