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I feel like 2nd best

Hiya, this is the 1st and (i hope) the only time I am getting married however it is 2nd time round for my h2b.

I sometimes feel a bit down as I feel I will always nomatterwhat be his 2nd wife and sorta feel 2nd choice. He didnt want his marrige to end and had a breakdown over it. I guess Im just feeling insecure. I dont even know what my question is to you ladies! Just felt that I needed to tell someone how I feel and looking for reasurance thats all.

Mrscrabb2b x


  • EMMIE101ukEMMIE101uk Posts: 220

    I know exactly what you mean, my h2b is marrying me after a mariage that he didnt want to end. I know how you feel especially as we are not having the big church thing that he had the first time round!

    Have you tried telling h2b how you feel?

    Em x
  • TPT16TPT16 Posts: 222
    I'm marrying for the second time but its first time for my h2b no way is he second best ok i split with my ex for reason and wanted it to end but in no way shape or form is my h2b second choice he's wonderful. it easy to see why you would think that but people move on things change he may have been married before but that was then this is now you are his number 1 choice right here right now

    T xx
  • Hi Ladies

    Thankyou very much for your replies. I have told h2b in the past about my feelings of being 2nd best. He told me that is daft and that he didnt know me back then.He says yes he was devastated about the breakdown of his marrige but he say's that things happen for a reason and back then he went through one of the worst times of his life but he didnt know what was round the corner in a few years time....and that is me!

    I have my paranoid feelings in one way but am trying to look at it in a different way........I feel 2nd best because he was devastated about her leaving him but now I have asked myself if it had been the other way round, (him leaving/cheating on his wife) in that situation I would definetly had thought twice, if you know what I mean!

    Thanks again

  • Try not to think about being 2nd best, if you can remember what it was like when you were younger to fall in love and then break up and then carry on to meet someone else who means the world to you, you would never have said they were 2nd best, so don't think just because we're older and it's marriage that the feelings are any more or less! Yes he didn't want his relationship to end to his 1st wife but then think that even you would have at some point have been involved in a break up which you didn't want but you have gone on to meet a wonderful man who you now wish to spend your every living minute with - ENJOY HIM AND YOU AND YOUR LIFE TOGETHER - just because you will be his 2nd wife only shows that he has a lot of love to give and isn't scared of the commitment to you (which being hurt in the past can make some people avoid) you must be a very special lady to him, even more so than the first as he knows what marriage is all about and he wants to do it with YOU... I will be marrying my man at the end of the year and will be his 2nd wife and i relish in the knowledge that this time more than before it's because he truely wants to be a husband rather than it seems the right time or right thing to do! Does that make sense? Enjoy you day and days ahead together as MAN AND WIFE XX
  • vickycvickyc Posts: 296
    mrscrabb2b...what a lovely thing you h2b said to you and he is right. my h2b and i have both been married before. and we have both said if only we knew each other then. but we truly believe that things happen for a reason and everythig that went before has just been getting us ready to be together.

    yes he loved someone else in the past, haven't we all? we have all been in relationships that we didn't want to end but that doesn't mean we love our h2b's any less.

    remember everything before has just been to get you ready for the love of your life and h2b too.

    one more thing to think about. if he didn't want his first marriage to end you can be sure that no matter what difficulties may arise in your marriage, he is a sticker and not a runner. he will be trying to work it out instaed of running the other way.

    i say you have a good one there babe!!

  • My husband has been married before (my first time) and I certainly don't feel second best. In fact he is always telling me that this is the best thing he has ever done in his life (at wedding in his speech he thanked my parents for 'the best gift I've ever had in my life'). It did feel a bit funny when I found a bill from several years ago with Dr & Mrs R on it, but I had to remember that he has now chosen me. He found it very difficult to divorce his first wife so it's not as if he couldn't wait to see that bvack of her or anything. There are different stages for all of us in life and if your H2B had met you first he might never have married before (of that makes sense). Your are now his first choice and you need to cling on to that (I do know how hard it is sometimes though).


  • Dont' worry - fate works in funny ways.......when is your wedding?
  • Claire31ukClaire31uk Posts: 32
    Hi Ladies,

    I am due to get married for the second time in November to a wonderful man who is my best friend. This will be his first (and only) marriage !!! My first wedding was awful and shouldn't have even happened, needless to say I said that I would never get married again. I then met this absolutely amazing man and every inch of hurt and doubt about myself went and I realised that life goes on, you can't hold on to the past worrying about commitment issues and all that.

    Anyway, what I want to say is that my first marriage is something I'm not proud of but all these experiences we go through make us stronger. My other half never feels 2nd best. If anything I feel like my first marriage is but a distant memory and this is more like my first time around. Never feel 2nd best because it takes a lot of strength and courage to get married second time. It just goes to show how important you are if someone makes that decision to marry you after a bad experience !

    Like I said, I swore I wouldn't ever do it again but here I am 6 years down the line and the happiest I've ever been in my entire life !!!

    Claire x;\)
  • Thankyou ladies for all your replies!

    I am feeling much better now I have taken time to think about things!

    Snoots, you asked when I am getting married....8th Dec!

    I have a question for Claire, I hope you dont mind me asking! You said that your 1st wedding was awful and shouldnt have happened.Do you think you didnt think it through properly? I am just curious as to what happened!? I am pleased your happy with someone else now!

    Mrscrabb2b x
  • Claire31ukClaire31uk Posts: 32
    I don't have a problem answering that.

    My first husband was quite controlling and had this huge hold over me. I becme a fraction of the person I am today. He made me feel bad about myself, was insanely jealous, controlled our finances, and worst of all was a bully.

    I knew that the wedding was wrong but I didn't have the strength to walk away, so I went through with it and within 3 months knew that I had to get out of it. After a long drawn out miserable 9 months a friend of mine died, at that point I asked myself that if I died tomorrow would I die happy and the answer was no. So I did it - I told him I was leaving and have NEVER looked back.

    Whatever I thought I knew about marriage or relationships was nothing until I met Jim and now I'm v v v v v v v v v v happy image
  • Hi Claire, thankyou for telling me your story....really made me well up and I am sooooo happy that you have found someone that you deserve.

    I got a little spooked as well as my H2B ex wife is called Claire!!!

    Anyway....I'm so happy for you both:\)

    When is your wedding?

    Mrs Crabb2b x
  • Claire31ukClaire31uk Posts: 32
    Hee hee - definitely wasn't him !!

    We're getting married on the 10th November - it'll be our 2nd anniversary then. Civil ceremony in a lovely country hotel, very simple and about so excited !!

    Our weddings aren't too far apart then MrsCrabb2b, what are you doing for yours ?


  • Hi Claire, that sounds sooooo lovely! I bet you are excited!

    We are getting married 8th Dec in a church....BUT is gonna be a little different! At the church they have a christmas tree festival where the whole church is full and lit up with trees, it is all done for charity and will be the 10th anniversery of the tree festival this year and possibly the last one they will be doing.They have never had a wedding during the christmas tree festival! We are getting married at 4:30pm so will be quite dark and the tree's will all be lit up. We are also going to have songs played instead of hyms! I will be walking down to.....savage garden - truly, madly, deeply

    We wanted to make things a little different and more personal!

    After the service it will continue onto the reception/evening function. Because the church will be full of trees we cannot have flowers or decor but we wont need to and also will need to do very little decor at the evening venue as we have been told it will be all trimmed up for christmas........AND! that has turned out fab for us as we dont have much money to spend as we are paying ourselves. if you visit this page you should be able to see the church with the christmas tree's!

    Tell me everything about your wedding! Are you having bridesmaids and have you chosen your dress?

    Mrscrabb2b x
  • Claire31ukClaire31uk Posts: 32
    Wow MrsC2b that sounds and looks lovely. I had to have a giggle because are you in Bridport as in Bridport near to West Bay because I'm in Yeovil which is not too far away. It's a small world !!! :\)image

    We have a 2.30 wedding on the 10t5h November, it's a civil ceremony at the Northover Manor in Ilchester, a very lovely family run rural type hotel. We are getting married in a small ceremony room that has lots of wooden beams then having our reception in a very big airy yellow room which has lots of windows and over looks lots of green fields.

    I've got my dress already it's just stunning - very simple but elegant, it's a relatively big dress and totally different to my first. We have 1 matron of honour then all our nieces are being flower girls, they range from 20 months to 10 years old. They are all bundles of loveliness !! My 2 nephews are going to be handing out the order of service - they're only 3 and 4....cute as a button or what !!!

    We've not decided on our music choices yet....that's just too hard at the moment

    I'm so fickle and will change my mind a dozen times.

    Flowers are passion and cream roses - our theme is red, green and cream / gold.

    Have you got your dress yet ?

  • Hi Claire, your plans sound sooo lovely! I have not made up my mind yet about bridesmaids and a little frustrated about the situation to be honest! Sounds like you have yours well planned! They will all look so cute!

    I cant believe you live so close! Def a small world!

    I have ordered my dress, I have gone for a very slinky dress you should be able to view it is you go to

    I know it will be Dec! I have got a white marabou feather wrap to go with it. I have decided to wear a floor length veil as that is what looked best with the dress....Going to have a tiara too! Im also thinking about having a crystal bouquet. Are you having a veil etc? Would love to see a pic of your dress:\)

    Mrscrabb2b x

  • post6post6 Posts: 146
    Hi! This is the same for me!

    y husband fought for his marriage as his wife had cheated for more than two years and had left him alone with two sons, now 21 and 22.

    He was then alone with no relationship for 13 years. Last july we met in Vienna. After three days we were sure we were made for each other and we had found our basherd.

    But we agreed not to marry. The more I was astonished when he proposed to me three weeks later.

    As we live in Germany we needed a civil ceremony first. we are now married since December 2006.

    As we will have a big church wedding ceremony 4 July 2007 his sons and his ex are coming as well.

    He still has a very good relationship with them and sends her always money and they talk to each other every week on the phone.

    He assures me that there is only friendship. But she has remarried herself a few weeks ago I do not think such a srong link is still necessary as his sons are never calling or visiting him. If they need money they send their mother to tell him their wishes.

    i hope they will not ruin everything.
  • MrsO21MrsO21 Posts: 3
    hi in response to claire_31 messg i just wanted to say i married the most amazing man ever three ywars ago mine and his second marrige,his first wife left him he had a breakdown and was devestated, my first marrige was because i was insecure and a completly different person to whom i am now then after my brother who was 26 commited suicide he was suffering from depression after his relaitionship ended his partner took their son to live 200 miles away,no one knew he was depressed.after he died i dont know how but i got the courage to end my awfull violent marriage to my first husband whom i been with for 12 years and my life turned around within a year i met my amazing hubby and to this day it was the best desision yet.soz about long story i just thought id share my happy ever after with you all.clare
  • MollukMolluk Posts: 243
    Mrscrabb2b this struck such a chord with me. I've tried to talk to Mr Moll but he just gets upset because, OK he made a mistake, he tells me every day that he loves me and has never been happier. What more can the poor man do? But at the back of my mind there's still the feeling that I'm second best.

    I think it's just something we have to get to grips with on our own and if we didn't trust them I guess we wouldn't be marrying them!

    17 days to go (gulp)
  • scoobydoukscoobydouk Posts: 1,500
    Hi This will be my second marraige (only lasted 2 years) & h2b's 1st, although he was with his partner for over10 years and raised her son as his own. I feel quite upset as they were as good as married so I think it works both ways !!!!!!!!!!
  • angie6147angie6147 Posts: 329
    Both me and H2B have been married before. H2B was with his x wife for 19 years and I was with mine for 12 years on and off. We both have a past but we are each others futures. maybe its easier for me because I have something to compair it to. I can tell you though that H2B is far from 2nd best, in fact quite the opposite, when its second time round you kinda know more what you do and dont want and have kinda perfected your choice. Rather than been second best you cream of the crop and he final perfected choice. I know this is how I feel about H2B and I know H2B love me totally and completely NOW and will for the rest of his days.
  • My h2b's dad was married for 25 years before his wife walked out on him and the two boys (h2b was oldest at just 13 and left to look after the family). fil2b had a breakdown, had to retire from his job due to ill health and is still, more than ten years on, on medication for his mental health. He certainly didn't want the relationship to end but three years later had remarried and has now been married to his second wife for about eight years. In no way is his wife second best. He is so much happier now than he ever was (according to h2b, as I didn't know him then) and the family as a whole is better off.

    Being the second wife doesn't mean you're second choice - it just means the first choice was the wrong one and it took your fella a bit longer to find his real mrs right.

    If it is bothering you tell him how you feel and he should be able to tell you all the things he loves you for and put your mind at ease - we all need our confidence boosted every now and then and who better to do that than the man who wants to marry you!?
  • Thought I would join in, this will be my first time but H2B's second and I can totally relate to the feelings of being second best (especially as his ex will always be in our lives cause they have a child - she even phones our house to whinge - h2b knows my feelings on this!)

    It's hard to overcome the idea that they have loved someone as much as love they us (I am a little odd in that I have only had a couple of casual relationships before - nobody came along before that meant enough to me to give up my time for them, selfish cow - yes I am) and as others have said - tell your h2b - mine admits he fell into his first marriage - she wanted it, he went along with it (and the child) then she decided that he was not good enough and even though I still find it odd that he was with her first I do know that he loves me as much as is possible.

    Like many others I have had to forfeit the church due to marring a second timer (plus we have the protestant/catholic issue) but we found somewhere that may even be better (a castle).

    I do fell confident that h2b is very sure he wants to spend his life with me as I know he wouldn't do it again otherwise.

    Sorry to have rambled, it's great when you come across people in the same situation (I often forget about this section of the forum)


  • hi

    i have read right through all these posts and they all strike a cord with me. I married in 1999 to a man i thought i'd be with forever, but it only lasted a couple of years and i was devestated...tried my hardest to make it work, but when one person decides it's over and stops trying there isn't much you can do...i was depressed for about a year after it all happened but have now built up my lie to be happier and more independent than ever before.

    have met a wonderful man who is totally right for me and who i know is THE one -it feels totally different to my first engagement....

    i just wanted to say that to those of you marryong for the first time but are worried about it being your husband's 2nd marriage, that having had a hard time, you appreciate all the excellent qualitie in your partner and relish the happiness! I also think someone who has been through a divorce is in a much better position to try to prevent the same mistakes happening! Even when its really hard to, if I am upset about something I make myself tell my HTB how i am feeling and try t sort things out there and then.

    My granny's mantra is that there is no point having regrets, that you just have to learn from mistakes you make and not make them again!

    anyway - good luck to you all and hav lovely weddings!
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