anyone know about this??

hi, i hope someone can help me. i have a 9 year old boy who is still in contact with his birth father. he sees him once weekly for 6 hours. when i get married my son has told me he wants to have my h2bs name so it would come after his present surname. whilst i would love this as it means we could all have same name i suggested that perhaps he could do it the other way around so that he keeps his paternal name at the end and i thought if he still feels strongly when hes older he can change it then. do you think this is the right way to do it or shall i let him change his name if thats what he wants, also would i have to have his birth fathers permission to change it or to add my h2bs name before his present surname? sorry if this is confusing!


  • AIMSL2b31AIMSL2b31 Posts: 48
    I'm not going to comment on whether you should let him change it if he wants to but you may well need his father's permission.

    If you were married when he was born, then yes you will. If you weren't does he have parental responsibility? If not, you can do as you please.

    However, if he sees him on a regular basis you really ought to discuss it with him before anyway. I imagine he would be quite hurt if he found out from your son and you hadn't discussed it with him first. Probably best not too upset the apple cart too much if you don't need too!!
  • hi yes you need the birth fathers permission if you used to be married to him.

    if you wanted to fight it you could go to court but it cost alot of money £10,000 and courts don't normally change it for no good reason. As your son have contact with his father i would say it is highly unlikely the court would say it is his sons best interests

    If your son wanted to though he could change his name at school so the teacher would refer to him as the name he wants but it wouldn't be changed on legal documments

    i know a bit about it all as my now aged 16 son wanted to change his name a few years ago. For the last 9 years he was called by my OH name at school but he wanted the name on his passport too.

    We took his birth father to court as he refused to sigh the deed poll dispite the fact he hadn't had contact with him since i left him (his choice) anyway long story short we had 3 court appearance which in which he didn't turn up to contest it. so he got his name changed. Cost us about £1500 in all but it wasn't an issue an we just wanted my son to be happy.

    Also my OH now has parental responsibility for my son which was pretty easy to ddo legally. It means if there is ever a hospital visit my OH can go with him instead of me to sigh papers etc.

    My OH & I have been together 15 years and it amazes me that my sons birth father (my husband for less than 2 years) has more say over my son than my OH has over the 2 girls we have together!!!!!!

    Good luck - i'd say do whatever you son is happy with xxx
  • cath7673cath7673 Posts: 195 New bride
    it is hard as its not a discussion i can have with ex due to certain issues. i woiuldnt want to fight it unless my son was really upset cause at end of day he can change things when hes older if he really wants. do you know if i would be able to add it into his name or if that would need permission too, as i wouldnt be getting rid of his fathers surname and he would still be called by that name. thanks for responses. i wish it was as easy as the films where you get on with your ex for the sake of the kids! unfortunatly he has made that impossible with some of his actions and its been me fighting like anything to ensure that my son still sees his dad! maen can be very immature sometimes!
  • srr68srr68 Posts: 70
    I have a similar problem my 11 year old son has now had no contact from his birth father for 18 months and he has been a pretty useless afther up to then too.

    My son really wants to change his name to my soon to be surname and I also want my HTB to adopt him so if anything happened to me I know he would be welll looked after. It is the one thing that plays on my mind alot.

    I know my ex would never agree to any of this just to be bloody minded even though he pays nothing for his son.

    I think we just have to tell our kids that a name is just a name and is what happens as a special family that is important - it does break your heart though.
  • cath7673cath7673 Posts: 195 New bride
    i know, its hard for us but must be really confusing for them. How did u get parental responsibility for your new hubby ianstewartdress? I lookd in2 adoption bt was told that theres realy no point as if u stipulate in will who u want your child to remain with then it can be contested but if child is over 8 then they get to say what they want.
  • TheNewMrsFTheNewMrsF Posts: 628
    Basics are....If you were married to your now ex at the time of your sons birth then he will automatically have parental responsibility, or if his name appears on the birth certificate then he has PR also. If this is the case and he has PR you will need his permission to change your sons name....or your can apply for leave of the court. However the court will look at what is in the best interest of the child and as your child is in contact with his birth father it is unlikely they will want to change his surname. The court takes into consideration certain factors but mainly how the decision will impact on the child not the parents. Ans has already been said that the court option is an expensive option. Best to talk it though with your ex. How would he feel by such a suggestion and maybe try to find out why your son wants to change his name. A lot of families in the same situation tend to double-barrel the child's surname to keep both parties and child happy. xxx
  • Hi

    Could not get adoption as all without his permission which he would never do (twat) makes me sick as he has never paid a penny maintenance!

    We went to a solicitor about parental responsibility - ex also has it too except he doesn't see son so he never uses his right.

    If anything ever happens to you, your new partner must go straight to the solicitor and get your child a ward of court (think thats right) which means child is your partners responsibility until the court says otherwise.

    hope this is the right information i'm giving you things may have changed since we had the fight.

    My son always felt like the odd one as i changed my name to my partners after having more children. It gutted me having different names to all the kids, but his school was great and changed his name on the register, it was only the legal documents that said his name was different - passport, doctors etc. He got to a point though that he really wanted the name changed legally - blees him this was 4 years ago and he actually found ex's phone number (in local paper he had a business) and called him to ask if he could change his name. He was hysterical when ex said no (he was being completely selfish as he had never wanted anything to do with him) thats when my OH said he would sort a solicitor and take him to court - thank god he never turned up each time the hearings happened as the court could see for themselves it wasn't in sons best interest to have his name

    hope you can sort it xx
  • cath7673cath7673 Posts: 195 New bride
    hi, thanks for your reply above. when you went to solicitor about pr for your new husband did ex have to give permission for that too? sorry to ask so many questions. ours is a strange one as he still sees him (unless something comes up like it regularly does) yet the relationship he has with sd is amazing and he constantly tells him that hes the best dad in the world!

    Mrs fielding to be, it was my son that wanted to change as i think he wanted to be the same as his new sd. although he sees his father then he sees sd as the real dad and its him that he tells everything to and can be himself with. i persaonally wouldnt mind if situation was reversed as ive always been the sort of person that puts my childs wishes first and not myself so although it would initially hurt i would never refuse him. i have suggested that we double barrell it but with his present surname at the end and that way it wont upset his father but its up to him when he is older if he wants to change it himself. i just wasnt sure if i could do that without permission from ex or not as where i do things that my son wishes he would just not to be spiteful.
  • foxymrsg2bfoxymrsg2b Posts: 314 New bride
    HI hun, my h2b's son from his previous marriage has had his name changed. He has his name followed by his ex's new name. She wanted to out her name 1st but I was told by someone who was going through a name change at the time apparantly you can just drop the second part of the name without having to officially change it. I believe she knew this & this was her plan all along so I advised h2b to make sure his name was kept 1st. She is a devious cow though must say. I can see you are not & are very genuine & if that is what your son wishes then hopefully your ex will want what is best for your son. Good luck with it all hun & keep us posted xxx
  • Hi

    No my ex didn't give permission for name change either. Don't think he even knows know that my OH even has it but my son hasn't seen my ex since i left him which was nearly 16 years ago.

    we did try contact for a while but he would often not turn up, turn up drunk, was always abusive to me, and would actually deliberately leave my sons seatbelt off when he collected him!!! and even having a contact center didn't help so i just stopped it after a while.

    Sad really because i'd have always let my son see him as it's not my decision to make. However my OH is great and has always treated son as his own. Makes me cross for my son that ex should have any say in his life.

    I would really strongly advise seeing a solicitor and at the very least citizens advice bureau.

  • MrsFlowerfairyMrsFlowerfairy Posts: 6,800
    Have I read your post correctly? I read it as your son wants to add your h2b's name to his own? So would he then be double barrelled with his birth fathers name anyway? As you're keeping his fathers name would you still need permission?
  • sventeresasventeresa Posts: 663
    Adding your partners name to your sons surname so it is double-barrelled I would assume is still classed as changing his name. You have to have consent from the father to do this or he could take you to court.

    If you really want to change your sons surname and the father will not consent then you can apply through the courts for a Specific Issue court order but to be honest with you it's not worth the heartache especially as the father still sees his son every week.

    It would be a real kick in the teeth if the father found out you had changed your sons surname at school too. Believe me, I am not defending the father (I cant stand the father of my two sons) but it will be your son who it is affects in the long run. Do you really want his father to be discussing the surname thing with your son? Both of them will become upset and that would not be fair on your 9 year old son.

    I have been through the courts and it is horrible. It does affect the child no matter how much you try to protect them from it. Please take the easy route and leave it be.
  • sventeresasventeresa Posts: 663
    By the way, my opinion is this because the son still has contact with the father.

    For those of you who have children and the father is nowhere to be seen then I fully support your actions in changing your childs surname when you get/got married.

    I wish I could change my sons surnames and my eldest has asked if he can too (he is 10 yrs old) but I have just said if they still wish to when they are older then they can do it themselves.
  • WasMrsAshleyWasMrsAshley Posts: 1,042
    As cruel as this sounds I will push my ex into agreeing to turning my 9 year-old's surname into a double barrelled surname, by saying I will now allow him to see him (I would never actually do that BTW). He lives about 45 miles from us and I would tell him I would make his life harder by making him collect and drop off our son if he wants to see him. I do all of that at the moment and he's never paid any money for him. So a threat of the CSA and making his life harder and a potential court battle to see his son will probably be enough to get him to agree. The good thing being that the ex's name is the same as a Christian name so my son's name will sound as if the ex's surname is his middle name - If that makes sense, I know it would be written with a hyphen though. I know this sounds awful but my son had never had the same surname as me and he wants to have my new H2B's surname...I know most people will not agree with this but my ex is a very nasty person and put me through hell, I've never asked anything of him, but I will not let this drop as I want it so much and so does my son.....I also know about this from a child's perspective as my Mum remarried when I was 8, I wanted to change my name to my step-dad's never happened, but I really wanted it when I was little...think maybe my real dad said no when my Mum asked, so she dropped it....I won't give in like she did...x
  • TheNewMrsFTheNewMrsF Posts: 628
    Just to add.....Your Ex if he gets wind of it and wants to stop it he could get a prohibited steps order to prevent you changing his name.

    I think double barrel may be the best option but is there any chance you could sit down and talk to your ex about it? Maybe through mediation or some other method? Maybe if you explain to your ex the siatuation and your child's wishes he will agree to the change.

    The courts prefer things to be decided between the parties rather than having to go to court which costs more and causes more stress to all concerned.

  • cath7673cath7673 Posts: 195 New bride
    unfortunatly my ex is not the sort i can talk to. i have tried in past over issues that have upset son but ex thinks everything is aimed at him and thinks everything i do is a way to get at him where i have never done anything but stick up for my son. Ifeel so guilty sometimes that i dont do more but i know it would only cause trouble for son. have recently been to solicitors to stop son going to his house as for the last year he has been emotioally abused by exs new partner and things got quite bad. she is horrible woman who unfortunatly my ex is too scared to stand up to and as result has lost quite a lot of respect from son as he cant understand why his dad always let the bad things happen. she can now not come near me and ive told son that there are no more chances and i will not let him go back there (he has been previously told by his dad that she will behave and he wont be able to see his dad unless he goes there but she didint!). he now sees him at his grandparents which he enjoys but of course it means there will never be any trips, outings or overnights as she wont allow ex to do it. After talk with h2b (son calls him dad) we have decided that its best at moment not to rock boat and if son wants to call himself by that name if we book hotels in this country etc than thats fine but otherwise we will leave things as they are and he can choose when hes older if its still a factor. sorry for long post, when i started i couldnt stop!
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