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Advice needed....,is my day going to be rubbish???????

This may sound incredibly rubbish but I just wanted to know if anyone out there could posibily why how I feel. My H2B was married b4, he was with her for 7 years i think and they have been apart for 4 years (no I didin't know himb4) I am gutted that he has done the whole walking down the aisle thing b4, I probably sound pathetic but I am scared that he will, and poss some of the gusets think compare weddings. The day means a lot to me since my dad died and I was scared enough abouth him not being thererand I mam worried it will be rubbish as he will compare to hi last wedding....maybe jyst having a rant.....boring reading,lots worse going on out there.

H2B is crap too ass (yes I meany ass) has just pointed out my bad spelling.

Posts

  • MollukMolluk Posts: 243
    Well if he's reading over your shoulder, shouldn't he be reassuring you!!!



    Yes, I think all we second wives feel the same. It's new for us and we keep pulling ourselves up thinking, "It's not the same for him, he's done it before." There's loads of posts on here about this. I found it really reassuring to read the ones from women marrying for the second time as they all say that the first one was a mistake, like a bad dream and this time it's for real.



    In answer to your question, I don't think your day will be rubbish. I think that when you look into each others eyes and say your vows and mean them, nothing else will matter. Honestly!
  • deniseoukdeniseouk Posts: 1,920 New bride
    fi123

    Your day will definately not be rubbish, it will be the lovely day that the 2 of you have planned.



    I have been married twice before and h2b once. I definately won't be wondering whether people think his first wedding was better or not. I'm just so happy to be marrying the man of my dreams.



    Just keep thinking about how special the day will be for the two of you x
  • Mitme08Mitme08 Posts: 503
    i too have been married before and no people will not compare weddings because you will add your own style to it which is totally differant to anyone else and cannot be copied so please enjoy this wedding it will be your most beautiful day dont think it will be rubbish as you will miss the enjyment of planning yours and H2B special day good luck with your plans (when is it ) i would like to know how the plans are going x x
  • scattykatscattykat Posts: 237
    Hi fi, I sort of know how you feel. My H2B has not been married before but has been engaged and has 8yr old son, and I worry alot about him comaring pregnancy and stuff. However i am not sure that men think the way that we do! he cant understand when i talk to him about it and just says why on earth would he compare. Have you spoken to him ?(yours, not mine, ha ha ha)What does he say about it? Hopefully you do not do what i do, and quiz him on his past. i cant help but asking hom questions about engagement, rings, plans etc then torturing myself about it for ages.

    No, it wont be rubbish day, it will be your wedding and everyone will enjoy it as just that. xx
  • lottin_uklottin_uk Posts: 276
    Hi fi and all,

    I've posted on this forum previously, but I had a bad night last night, feeling the same. It just turns into a rage sometimes, I say such nasty comments to him, but sometimes it feels like i can't do it, I just think too much about everything, resulting in me keeping us both awake til 2am. aarrrggghh. We have been thinking about some couple counselling to help us work through it and help me realise that it wont be a "second best" day, but it is really difficult just now.

    Try to be positive, and look forward, that's what i keep telling myself!

  • its both your day enjoy it its mine and h2b 2nd time getting married in september the last thing gonna be on my mind is my x looking forward not backwards xx
  • Hi Fi,



    I feel exactly the same.



    We got engaged last June and I was constantly thinking about how our wedding would be different (as he proposed in exactly the same place as his previous - another story!). I wouldn't set a date until I was happy everything would be ok and I didn't think about it for ages...



    Then I took the mother in law to be dress shopping with me in the sales (she had two boys and I thought she would appreciate being part of the dress choosing).



    I fell in love with the dress and it was in budget but as we were going home I had decided I just could not justify spending all that money on a dress for one day....



    AND do you know what she SAID?



    " well ***'s (1st wife to H2B) dress cost well over £1000 and she got it made in Australia"! she then went on to describe how much the bodice was and how detailed it had been...



    Once I was on my own I cried my eyes out and wound myself up that if she was comparing dresses she would almost certainly compare everything else! Then I kept thinking would everyone else on his side be doing the same?



    This only happened last weekend.



    I think we just have to try to put it behind us and move on... If you find a way of movng on - let me know!!!



    As at the moment I'd like him to list exactly what his last wedding was like so mine could be better - although I know it's not a competition... I'd just prefer people to be leaving and thinking it was better that the last one!



    Am I going mad?
  • LouisewowLouisewow Posts: 145
    Both my H2B and myself have been married before and I have two children from my first marriage and we have a child together. When we first met my h2B was engaged to be married to someone else (but thats another story). We have now been together 5 years and "our" wedding is 125 days away and counting. Until quite recently I have felt "strange" about the wedding, thinking that others will compare it to the first (not mine but his) but now I seem a lot better about. I think us women over analyse things sometimes and men don't. He accepts he's been married before, it didn't work out and now we are together. What ever has happened in the past is the past for both of us, and whatever has happened before has made us who we are today. Don't even think about what others will think of your day. If they honestly sit and compare against "his" or "your" previous wedding then honestly are they really people that you would want at your wedding.



    This time around H2B and I are doing exactly what we want, and its tough if people don't like, its our day and the start of our and our children's new lives together as a family and thats all that matters to me. Try to put the past behind you, the wedding is a fresh start for all.
  • Hi

    I felt exactly like you as my h2b has been married before and i haven't. But this is the way i think about it..He wont compare walking down the same street,first moving into a new house or first getting a new car with you to when he may have done those things with an ex.

    You may have experiences with an ex that he doesn't,like a really good trip. And you wish that it was with him,not the ex. Because you may have done that with an ex,but its the way it changed you that you remember,not that ex! (who in my case couldn't keep charge of money and borrowed the whole time,instead of h2b who would appreciate scenery etc...)

    hope that helps,but then again,its just how i think!

    x x x
  • Hi

    I felt exactly like you as my h2b has been married before and i haven't. But this is the way i think about it..He wont compare walking down the same street,first moving into a new house or first getting a new car with you to when he may have done those things with an ex.

    You may have experiences with an ex that he doesn't,like a really good trip. And you wish that it was with him,not the ex. Because you may have done that with an ex,but its the way it changed you that you remember,not that ex! (who in my case couldn't keep charge of money and borrowed the whole time,instead of h2b who would appreciate scenery etc...)

    hope that helps,but then again,its just how i think!

    x x x
  • Hi

    I felt exactly like you as my h2b has been married before and i haven't. But this is the way i think about it..He wont compare walking down the same street,first moving into a new house or first getting a new car with you to when he may have done those things with an ex.

    You may have experiences with an ex that he doesn't,like a really good trip. And you wish that it was with him,not the ex. Because you may have done that with an ex,but its the way it changed you that you remember,not that ex! (who in my case couldn't keep charge of money and borrowed the whole time,instead of h2b who would appreciate scenery etc...)

    hope that helps,but then again,its just how i think!

    x x x
  • Hi

    I felt exactly like you as my h2b has been married before and i haven't. But this is the way i think about it..He wont compare walking down the same street,first moving into a new house or first getting a new car with you to when he may have done those things with an ex.

    You may have experiences with an ex that he doesn't,like a really good trip. And you wish that it was with him,not the ex. Because you may have done that with an ex,but its the way it changed you that you remember,not that ex! (who in my case couldn't keep charge of money and borrowed the whole time,instead of h2b who would appreciate scenery etc...)

    hope that helps,but then again,its just how i think!

    x x x
  • I am in the same situation, even the dad bit, but you are marrying the man you love, its the first time you are marryinjg each other! Your day WILL be special, Remember she is his past and you are his future, people will always compare weddings my dress was'nt like hers oh my god why his he wearing that etc etc, but that is down to all of us having different tastes, let them all compare if they want the ones that matter are the ones who are truly happy for you both, enjoy your day, your dad would want that!
  • hi im getting married for the 2nd time. my ex wife left me in 2000 after 15 years together. but this time the marriage to my fiancee is much more important to me than the first one. i am older wiser lol and able to plan my wedding for myself and fiancee together.being the 2nd one i feel this is the last one and for life. on the day i wont be thinking of the past only the future.
  • MollukMolluk Posts: 243
    Oh Beast, that's so reassuring to us paranoid 2nd wives.
  • Hey



    I am not sure if this will help at all as i am in the opposite situation. I got married 7 years ago and my husband left me within 2 months. (another long story).

    Any way I am only 33 now and doing it all again in 5 weeks. It has been a totally different experience this time round with a fiance who has wanted to be involved all the way. We have put so much of our personalities into the wedding and I know that I am different to how I was 7 years ago.

    I did worry that people would wonder why i was doing it again but H2B has never doen it before and wanted the full works.

    Anyway....I do have people coming from my first wedding and the thing is I think they will be so gald to see me happy with my new hubby on our special day that they wont even remember the first one. The day goes so quick like a blur so chances are your H2B wont remember anything much about their first weddings. Plus the thing to remeber is this is all new feelings as he is in love with you and will be so excited and focussed on the day and the lovely lady he is about to marry. I won't be giving my first day a second thought just pinching myself how lucky I am to be marrying my honey.

    I hope this helps. Please don't worry and enjoy it.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • my h2b and i both getting married for 2nd time,and the only thing he's been comparing js how much different and better it will be,he got married to her abroard,with only family present,whilst were getting married over here with family and friends,were both envolved in the arrangements,so far so good,i dont care what anyone else thinks,and i wont beat myself up if any comparisons get mentioned by either side.

    Its probably just nerves your going through making you feel like this,my way of thinking is,i'm with him now,not her,she wont be there on the day,so many people have said he's so much happier since weve been together,and how miserable he was with her,thought it was just to pacify me at 1st,but when his dad pulled me to 1 side and said how glad he was we met,made all my insecurities about her go away,her loss,my gain.

    If your still unsure,write it all down and either let him read it or tell him,i'm sure he'll put your mind at rest and be only glad that he can feel that you can talk to him instead of bottling it all up and exploding 1 day and letting rip with both barrels xxx
  • Din_saysDin_says Posts: 226
    hi Fi

    I feel the same as you, its my first and H2B's second (and last), im trying to do things different so people cant compare, there will only be a number of people who were there at his first wedding, were getting married on a friday were not having the 3 course meal etc just trying to do things differntly, the only thing that will be the same is the best man, his brother. but as others have said its your day and dont let it put a downer on your day.xxxx
  • i sure people wont compare! There are so many weddings these days were guests have been at an earlier one (i even went to one where the chap had the same best man!) people will make the odd wise crack (i am waiting for all the the 'third time luckys' at mine - which as the MIL 2b doesnt even know ive been married twice - i wasnt going to lie about it but its just never gone up! but im blinking sure it will on the day! ha ..)



    anyways - my h2b's first wdding was on a beach- ust the two of them in the Seychelles - so for and style it probably wins hands down but however happy they were on the day (and lets face it - they probably DID want to marry them and were deeply in love at the time - dont lets kid ourselves..) the years in between on a marriage failing/fights over kids/the csa etc - will hardly leave them with any fond memories - in my experince the details of the day woudlnt stay with them - i bet most men woudlnt recall the bridesmaid dresses/colour theme of a wedding 10 years ago even if it was there own-



    I used to worry about how close my h2b could be to me as I dont want children but always imagine that as his ex wife had his children it goes without saying that he MUST be closer to her - he watched her give birth to his beautiful boys and must ave told her what a clever girl she was and how proud of her etc etc - but when i say this my h2b says - as soon as the kids were born she wasnt 'my girl' anymore- everything changed - so it wasnt quite the romantic idea i had in my mind - he says he feels closer t me (and really you do make better decsios as you get older - i can see now how my first husband was a bad choice - based on his good looks and not much else!) and we do feel very very close - so all you can do is hope for the best - at this stage he deteests her and altgough he is very polite for the kids sake - her memory isnt a threat



    He is with you now - hopefully forever - you will only upset yourself thinking like this - it wont change his past and wth the exception of the very crass MIL who mentioned the other ones dress (tactless!) most eople wouldnt dream of it



    I think that your guests will think ' thank god they are happy at last!'



    Lifes too short to worry about the past hun



    xx
  • emmacoulbyemmacoulby Posts: 251
    Hiya



    Just a quicky, I went to a second wedding of a friend recently and it was so wonderful. It was the most moving wedding I have ever been too and I hope mine can be that full of love. All the guests and family kept saying how absolutely wonderful it was that he had found someone like Cathy and that after what he'd been through he deserves such happiness etc. The couple were so happy and I do not think anyone was comparing - unless in a very positive way. As friends and family the only kind of comparing they will do is that now he is happy and now he has a beautiful woman who really loves him, not whose favour boxes were more impressive etc! I can see why you would be worrying but just remember that the people who will be there are those that love you and are happy for you and who will enjoy more that anything seeing that the two of you are happy and make each other so. Good luck!! xx
  • lottin_uklottin_uk Posts: 276
    Just wondering how everyone was feeling now, we're a bit further down the line?

    i started going to a counsellor once a fortnight, it has really been helping, since march. I feel a real difference and haven't argued about it for 2 months!!!

    I feel sad still sometimes, but have more confidence to move past that!

    what about you Mrs Moore 2b, and others?
  • kazza7kazza7 Posts: 222
    Hi Fi123,

    I'm the opposite, 1st time for him, 2nd for me.

    Take no notice of anyone but you, and H2b. You 2 are all that matters. You will always have people who will try and spoil things, it's just in their nature (usually because their jealous!!!) Dont compare, because you & the ex are probably nothing alike, & in the end it's you who has him & you who he wants to be with. Just remember that he's walking down the ailse to you & your new life together. Enjoy everything about your wedding and be happy, It's your day.
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