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my mum had a go at me :(

Just went round my Mums and she had a right go at me.



Saying I need to play this wedding down as its my 2nd time. Also not to invite my 93 year old grandmother and my only real Aunty and my cousins. Saying that people don't expect an invite the second time around.



She said I shouldn't have bm's as its too much fuss and was surprised I didn't ask her to be one (as I'm having 4, two of whom are my kids).



She said I should go away and just 'do it' and then come back and tell everyone.



Saying I should get married in a suit and a wedding dress is just flaunting it.



At the end of the 2 1/2 hour conversation she said 'so I hope I haven't upset you ?'. I said 'yes u have, I just want u at the wedding and without the bells ontop please'.



I just spoke to my h2b and he said 'why the h$ll is she coming to the wedding at all ?'.



My Dad didn't speak to me the entire time and fell asleep on our conversation. I don't think he is wanting to give me away either.



I had to remind my Mother that I don't think being married by a registry office and a buffet only reception is flaunting it. She has now cut my reception list down in my mind by half



I am so upset and am going to eat a massive curry tonight although I am on a diet to fit into a perfect wedding dress (which my Mum told me can't be white or have a veil).
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  • Hi.



    Im sorry that your mum is not being supportive of your wedding plan. Maybe its a generation thing?? My mum is very much the same, as if to say 'well you've mucked it up once before, so this time just go and do it in secret!'

    Of course as the bride, we don't feel like that. Its hard when our enthusiasiam isn't shared by our families, but Im slowly learning to ignore all the barbed comments I've heard.

    All that matters is you and your h2b (and your kids), what anyone else thinks is up to them. If you are the one paying for most of the wedding, then you have every right to wear what you like, invite who you like and have as many bridesmaids are you like.



    Don't discuss it too much with your mum, just go ahead and make your plans. When the big day comes, Im sure she'll be proud of you and all her comments will be forgotten.



    All the best to you,



    T x
  • wear what you want to wear and have as many bridesmaids to, its your day after all.

    i wouldnt discuss it with your mum anymore hopefully she'll come round.

    im really lucky my parents are great and helping loads, ive 2 bridesmaids my daughter and niece, my son is giving me away and so dad didnt feel left out he's a witness.
  • deniseoukdeniseouk Posts: 1,920 New bride
    Sorry your having to go through this with your Mum.



    I agree with tracey73, don't discuss it too much with her.

    My Mam is no longer with me, but my MIL2B is a bit like your Mum. She is making our invitations and I've been summoned to go on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dreading it, and probably all the other bits of why I'm doing this and that.



    You have the day you want, and take her comments with a pinch of salt, that is what I'm doing with MIL2B



    Good luck with it all x
  • Oh my goodness I can't believe your mum - is she paying for this??? who on earth is she to tell you who you can and can't have at your wedding. I too am a second time around b2b and can't wait, I am sooooooooooooo happy that I have finally found the right man I want EVERYBODY to be there and yes its causing headaches with the cost but we will have the day WE want and enjoy it OUR way and no body will stop us!! I wasn't sure whether to have a wedding dress as I will be 43 when we wed, but my sisters have said "go for it". I lost my mum 6 months ago and hate that she can't share in this with me (or my youngest sister who is getting married in June) as she absolutely loved my h2b and would be so happy for us being engaged, I am so sorry for you that your mum can't feel the same. You say that your mum has cut your numbers is half - did she ask the people if they'd like to attend??? I doubt it. You are a grown up, stand up to her and have the day you want with who you want, I'd have love to have had my nan there, if she's up to it, have her there, I work with the elderly and they just love being made a fuss of. I am so angry towards your mum whilst typing this I bet my typing speed is hitting 80wpm lol . Best of luck, stay strong xxx
  • You poor thing, what does it matter if you've been married before? You're celebrating your love and committing to someone, and you're entitled to do it in any way you please!



    I've just started to plan my wedding for June 2010, my mum said "don't put down any big deposits, a lot can happen in 2 years!" lol! I really don't care she's not going to spoil things for me and she knows I'll do it my way at the end of the day.



    Don't let her comments pull you down, go ahead with your dress, your bridesmaids and have the celebration you want, big or small. I would refuse to discuss it with her in future.



    Maybe if your father doesn't want to give you away you could ask for FI2B? or one of your children?



    Be strong, don't let her spoil your moment, be strong and don't give in to curry! (well if you do get the tomato sauce kind, not cream!)



  • sorry your mum isn't being very supportive. i just wanted to share my mums experience-shes been married twice, the second to my dad who she has been married to for thirty years now. when we were looking for my wedding dress, she kept telling me how she regretted not making a big deal of her wedding to my dad, and how she regrets not having a fancier wedding dress.



    i hope you manage to sort things out with your mum

  • i cant believe your mum is being like that my mum is sooo excited this time its your day dont let her spoil it xx
  • Thanks ladies for the comments and also for the time u all took in replying ~ means alot to me.



    I have decided not to talk to my Mum again for a few days. Nothing serious but so she understands she really did upset me.



    H2b has been very understanding, but is now saying 'why does she have to be there at all ?'. I'm not going to start all that. She and Dad will get an invite and I am about 99.9% that they both will attend.



    My Mum keeps saying 'these days its financially better off if u both stay single'. I keep saying its not about 'financially', its about I love the man and I want to be married to him. She looks at me and says 'arrrrrrrrrr we will see' ! (said in a catty way).



    H2b seems more protective over the wedding and originally said 'I will just turn up on the date' and u do the rest (kinda in a joke, but I like organising so I was ok with that. He kinda is saying now 'come on, we are going to have a p-a-r-t-y !'.
  • p a r t y big time enjoyyourself its your day xx
  • i still can't believe how involved your mum presumes she should be - do as you please, and enjoy yourself!!!
  • Hello....Just wanted to say I sympathise with your situation completly as my parents dont seem over impressed about me getting married...The last time I got married I was 22 and pregnant, so they said no church no dress, no speeches etc.

    so this time I will be 44, my Htb and I have 6 children between us(3 each) so They will be bridesmaids, ushers and pageboy!...I am having it how we want it..My parents have offered some money towards the reception but they dont think I should wear a dress or have bridesmaids....So hopefully they will be okay by the time we get married!

    I hope your mum becomes more supportive, please dont let it spoil your special day. x
  • 141Bash141Bash Posts: 500
    I think a second wedding can be as big a song and dance as you like - I made a huge mistake the first time around but I have got myself a wonderful man now and I intend to shout it from the roof tops! I am having a big white wedding dress, church wedding, bridesmaids, the lot. You are celebrating your happiness, which is even more wonderful as you've managed to find it second time around! All the brides I know who have been married before say it is even more emotional at the second wedding, as you really know you have made the right decision this time, you'd hardly commit to someone like this again without being sure. I hope your mum comes round, it's obviously a generation thing, she seems to view your failed marriage and your new marriage as something to be ashamed of, when it should be celebrated. It's an old-fashioned view that a second wedding should be understated. My Grandma was surprised to hear I am wearing a wedding dress, she assumed I would wear a suit. As anna333 says, don't let this spoil your day. Lots of love.
  • hzgreenhzgreen Posts: 512
    i'm so sorry people are having this much trouble with their parents, especially their mothers who should be the most supportive of all. i'm quite lucky that my mother has been married more than once and so is very understanding.



    i wasn't nearly as excited about my first wedding as i am about this one. in fact the first one doesn't seem real to me now.



    have the wedding you want ginamarie, hopefully your mum will come round but if not there's no point sacrificing your big day because other people disapprove. you've got nothing to be ashamed of.



  • AEJAEJAEJAEJ Posts: 898
    Sounds like this is your mums own embarrassment that she is trying to project onto you. Explain to her you are sorry if she feels a 2nd marriage isn't something to be proud of but that you are extremely proud of it. And invite who you planned to originally!! I mean ffs its 2008, third and fourth marriages are hardly blinked at.
  • Just a quickie to say thanks for all the lovely replies ladies, all read and much appreciated.



    Well I only went and paid half for this massive white wedding dress thats as puffy as can beimage lol !



    H2b took the day off work before my birthday weekend and we went wedding dress shopping together. I tried on loads and he told me what he liked and what he didn't like. We narrowed it down to 4 dresses and then I told him that was as much knowledge as he was getting on the dress !



    I went back without him and paid half ! Should have my first fitting in August image
  • AEJAEJAEJAEJ Posts: 898
    Go Ginamarie!!!! Am delighted for you! Its second time round for me and my htb and I think people expected low key from us. But I too am having the biggest fairytale wedding dress and going the whole hog! Htb and I even have our little in jokes like "you only get married once" lol

  • camlocamlo Posts: 199
    Yay, good to hear you aren't scaling it down - my sis and a few others have suggested I just 'go off and do it quitely' but it's my H2B 1st time, I can't wait to be his wife as I love him completely and I want everyone to see it!

    I just asked outright 'don't you want to be there? She said 'of course I do but you don't have to have everyone' to which I replied 'I do because they all want to be there too'

    GO FOR IT !!!!!!!!!
  • I don't believe it should be a scaled down day, just because you've been there before.

    It is our special day - neither of us are planning to do it again!!

    I began my planning thinking that if I wore a 'proper' dress then I might look like "mutton dressed as lamb". But after talking to friends and colleagues when i got engaged (all giggly and chatty as girls can be) they convinced me that there was nothing wrong with a big dress and to do it the way I wanted to.

    So I am, we are planning a big wedding (well 100 people to the service and some extras in the evening) and I'm having the big dress. We're very excited and H2B is involved in all the planning too and doing his bit (I think that tends only to happen on subsequent weddings - never the first).

    We all deserve to be happy and starting married life with the kind of service and celebration you both want is the best way to do this. The photo's later will remind you of the best day you've shared together so it is important that it is what you want.

    Enjoy the planning - don't let others dictate how your day should be. Most importantly though enjoy the day ! image

    Lisa xxx

    (a wise 41 year old?? Hmmmm maybe not lol)
  • 7banana77banana7 Posts: 675
    It's good to hear it's not just my family who are being like that. My mum is so disinterested it's not funny. I have spoken to her about her lack of enthusiasm, and her attitude did change briefly for a short while. I have 2 much older sisters who were married in the 1980's, both have grown up children aged 18-22. I was first married at age 21, but after 6 years I ended it. I am now 30. I believe I have met the man who I am supposed to spend my life with. I hope that we can have a family together (neither of us have any previous children). You would think that my mum would be looking forward to all this, but she has hinted a few times that she thinks we should have a baby and not bother with the whole marriage thing! She goes on about the cost and the fuss etc. I wouldn't mind, but she's not contributing to our wedding in any way! Also, we have decided to keep our wedding small (ish), as we are having the ceremony + reception at a brasserie, with a maximum of 65-70 guests for the full day - just close family & friends. So where's the fuss or excessive expense in that?! Surely that's up to us 2 to decide anyway? I have gotten upset on 2 occasions with my mum over her attitude, I love her & would prefer it if she was interested & excited for me. But, I too have decided now just to keep it between us 2 & those of our family & friends who actually show an interest. At the end of the day, my mum will be the one missing out, I just need to not let it bother me too much.
  • I am 43 and getting married for the 2nd time in 5 weeks. We are marrying in a hotel - I am wearing a white wedding dress (shock horror) and our 4 daughters will be bridesmaids, and are so excited for us. The wedding is costing more than it did the first time round, but we haven't asked anyone to contribute. We started off smalll and it has grown out of all proportion. But we would not be half as excited if we were not having the day we wanted. Our wedding is no less important than the first time we married, in fact it is more important as we are getting married purely for love, not to start a family or because we're 'the age to settle down'. My Dad was given a choice of whether to walk me down the aisle and make a speech and he has chosen to do both. My Mum is stressing about what to wear - so that's a good sign too. I have had only one comment from a work colleague about wearing a wedding dress, everyone else has said 'go for it'. I would be lying if I said I didn't lie awake at night thinking I'm too old, but reading everyone else's stories on here assures me that it is perfectly acceptable. Bring it on!
  • sarahrobsonuksarahrobsonuk Posts: 3,266
    Our two daughters are our bridesmaids, i've been with htb for ten years, and at first my mam was 'why bother getting married' but she's coming round to the idea, and for the first time the other day, we had a conversation about it. My dad won't be walking me down the aisle, but i'm not bothered about that. Its just as exciting tho!! we both feel quite nervous about it.!!
  • anna333ukanna333uk Posts: 344
    Hi ginamarie, I was laughing reading your post about your dress, as I too am wearing a big dress and keep having palpitations thinking what my parents will think when they see me!

    My best friend and daughter thought I looked great in it and I felt fabulous....I wish I could stop worrying about what my parents think
  • tell her to kiss you butt!! I am getting married for the second time I also have 4 kids and I'm going for the full works!! my mum also said I should go away but why the heck should I at the end of the day I'm marrying the man of my dreams I made a mistake the first time round and know I am making the right decision now!!
  • ariesgirlukariesgirluk Posts: 965
    Quite honestly I think its a generational thing and the older our mothers the more likely they are to be set in their ways and ideas of what is 'right'.



    I will be 45 when I get married for the second time next year. It will be my H2Bs second marriage too. But I love him more than the world and want a wedding to remember, surrounded by our family and friends. I have bought my dress, which is even grander than my first wedding dress and my mother has raised her eyebrows at the 'appropriateness' of it. She thinks that as its the second time we should slink away quietly to get married (as that's what she would have done in our position!). Its almost as if we have something to be ashamed of the be getting married a second time.



    But I want the full works, children from both marriages are bridesmaids and groomsmen. I'm having a lovely civil wedding at a lovely venue, a gorgeous cream wedding dress and sit down reception for all. We're paying for it so we're having what we want. People who don't like it don't have to come. Simple really (and mother will have to just get used to the idea).
  • NifferyNiffery Posts: 7,908
    I think you should aim to have the best day for you and h2b and I am sure your mum will follow suit!

    I hope it is an absolutely fabulous day
  • anjybabesanjybabes Posts: 21
    so glad that i found this thread!

    i thought i was the only one who's mother was'nt interested because it is my second marriage.

    she doesnt understand that i want it a certain way-she thinks a registry office & a meal is enough, but i want more.

    i don't ask for alot, just a church blessing & a reception in a nicely decorated village hall where everyone can have a knees up and celebrate my 2nd and my partners 1st wedding!

    shes doesnt think i should be bothering with a wedding dress either, nor inviting anyone other than siblings & parents.

    she's completly baffled over the fact that i don't want my reception in the same village hall that she had her 2nd marriage in-mainly i don't want it there because theres no option for a liquor licience!!!!

    ugghhh parents!!
  • jojoberriesjojoberries Posts: 1,037
    famillys aye!?



    I can some what sympathise with you . I was round h2b parents house the other day and his mum was showing me her outfit and i was so happy that she was talking abou it... Because they never do. Then she said......... I wont be wearing a hat as its not that kind of wedding!!!!!!!!! I just looked at her as if to say and what kind of wedding is this?????



    H2b has been married before!



    If i was you altho when i comes from your mum its harder, just try and ignore it!

    You do what you wnat to do for your big day you may have marrid before but havent married this man, and he hasnt married you so go wear that dress big and proud and enjoy your day Big hugs xxx
  • sueian3sueian3 Posts: 938
    Why do people feel that they have a right to an opinion on something as personal as YOUR wedding - my BIL did exactly the same but in a one off comment rather than a 2 1/2 hour conversation. Me and H2B have been together 8 years and have a 4 year old daughter. We are both 40 and both been married before when we were young, though neither marriage lasted 2 years. When we announced that we were getting married, BIL said "well you won't be in a dress will you" when I stared at him he then said "well it won't be white anyway". As it happens, yes I will be in a dress, Ivory as that was the dress I liked and we are going for the whole thing, ceremony, breakfast, reception at a beatiful hotel- lets see what he has to say about that.



    Don't let your Mother get to you it is YOUR day
  • My Mum is just the same! she thinks im embarressing myself with any fuss - Everytime i mention the wedding she says 'but you are spending so much money!'- we are not!! - we are having a lovely day but only for ten people - top whack £4k which i know from the magazines is nothing (and my boyfreind and i have good jobs- we can afford more so we arent gtg in debt for it) - she is ruining it with her constant dampners re the money/dress etc - that said she thinks h2b i the best yet and is at least coming tho she wont stay in the hotel the nigt tho the rooms are all paid for.



    The last time i had no guests and the time befor was very low key - im so much happier now!



    they are funny - i know they love us - but the mother daughter thing is so weird!
  • feelessfeeless Posts: 274
    hi there,



    reading this I realise how lucky I am that my Mum is very supportive. But we were chatting about this recently. I was worried that people would think me 'over the top' or silly for having a big wedding second time around. I was first married 6 years ago but my husband ended his life 18months later. I was worried people would judge me saying I had moved on too fast etc.



    Mum said to me that she thought that wedding second and third time were much more of a celebration as it was a testement to the fact that love can survive all the pain and hurt we maybe felt from previous relationships.



    So I say wear what you like, and have the day that you like coz it is incredible to find love again! Some people never find one person, but we have found love again and not allowed the damage of the first relationship to put us off!!!



    Congratulations... have a wonderful day!
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