Inviting people's partners to your wedding?

I'm currently facing a bit of a guest list dilemma... I thought that it would be ok to leave people's partners who we have never met off the invitations – especially when the friend is part of a social group so won't be there alone – but I've had a few people ask if they can bring a plus one! What do you think? Did you alter your guest list on request? 

Thanks ladies!

Posts

  • JCL1JCL1 Posts: 129

    If we haven't met them then generally we haven't invited them to the day but we have said they're welcome in the evening. Spending all that money on people I've never met isn't something I want to do. Also, this might be a pet peeve of mine but I think it's so rude to ask to bring a plus one as you're effectively asking the bride and groom to spend extra money for your own benefit.

  • welshgracewelshgrace Posts: 1,224

    I was adamant that there would be nobody that I had never met at my wedding.  It's such a personal day and for me wasn't about the cost or the numbers, but the fact that it was completely unnecessary.  I did say to myself that I would make an exception to this rule only if someone would be there completely alone without knowing anybody else, but thankfully no one was in this situation.  All our friends respected this and thankfully no one was rude enough to challenge us (In my opinion it is extremely rude to ask to bring a plus one when the invite clearly doesn't state one!)

    If you alter the rules for one, then you will have others that ask as well (or ones that are too polite to ask but will end up with the hump).  I would just explain that unfortunately you are unable to accommodate them but they are welcome to attend the evening.

  • I have said the same as Welshgrace to someone who asked - they could come in evening as numbers tight.In fairness, this friend has only been with this guy for 3 months and I haven't met him!

    I think it's very cheeky to askif someone else can come- stand your ground x

  • Rachel 14Rachel 14 Posts: 232

    I was quite offended when my partner got invited to a wedding an I wasn't included.

    I know this isn't always the issue but The couple had only been together 1.5 years, an we'd been together 7 by that point, an I felt that they didn't consider us a 'real' couple. Plus he was a old school friend,  who my partner hadn't seen for over a year. As a result he didn't want to go to the day, an asked if we could both go to the evening instead. 

    Also at a recent wedding from a university friend, all the couples who had met in uni had their partners there, but the ones who met after didn't as numbers were tight, you could tell they were slightly put out by this.

    I am inviting partners iv not met yet- mainly as I live out of the country so haven't had a chance to meet a few, an see it as a nice chance to meet them, an see how friends are doing in their lives. In fairness I can only think of 3 people that includes tho, an hopefully I'l meet them in the weeks before the wedding. 

    I'm more concerned about the partners I have met an don't like!!!!

  • Jomc11Jomc11 Posts: 484

    I think it depends how long they've been together, if its the latest fling or they've only been together a few weeks then no but if its past few months i think its only fair to invite them as it can appear quite rude & at the end of the day they have chose to be with the person you are actually inviting & you may not know the new partner but you know your friend. I have a dilemma a little bit similar, my invites are going out in september & the best man has started seeing someone but I dont want to name her on the invite, if there still together she's more than welcome but if she turns out to be the latest fling then she's stuck on our invite as a reminder.

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    I've made allowances for my cousins to bring a plus 1, two are fickle with relationships but one of them has a steady boyfriend so I can't really say yes to one and no the the other two.

    The one I'm stuck on is a colleague from work, I'm only inviting her from my workplace because the others are all really nasty, but she's not going to know anyone there, and I know the person she'll bring is a bit of a drunk and someone i don't really want at my wedding....dilemma! 

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  • Jomc11Jomc11 Posts: 484
    SheandHim wrote (see)

    I've made allowances for my cousins to bring a plus 1, two are fickle with relationships but one of them has a steady boyfriend so I can't really say yes to one and no the the other two.

    The one I'm stuck on is a colleague from work, I'm only inviting her from my workplace because the others are all really nasty, but she's not going to know anyone there, and I know the person she'll bring is a bit of a drunk and someone i don't really want at my wedding....dilemma! 

     

    I think you would have to give a plus one there, hopefully the ratio to this one person its not as bad & you wont notice any drunken antics image

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    I think the *general* etiquette is to invite 'established' partners, even if you haven't met them. I am inviting people who had husbands/wives or steady partners (I'd say rule of thumb over a year but this can vary). I think that's nice to invite OHs because if you are inviting someone and you don't know their OH then it's prob a nice time to meet them! And, if they aren't married, they will then invite you both back when they get married (not that that should be a reason to invite them but it'll just mean that you guys will hopefully continue to be friends and further your friendships as couples not just as individuals).

    However, I do think if you're struggling with numbers, people WILL understand. One of my schoolfriends got married and they were really tight on budget/numbers so she explained to all us girls that they were just inviting us not our OH (even husbands) and everyone was totally fine with that and we had a lovely girls reunion at her wedding*.

    What I do think is very rude is ASKING a bride and groom to invite your OH. If they haven't invited them and you don't agree with it then suck it up. Either you don't want to go without your OH so you can decline, or you go without them. It's rude to ask. I would probably be a bit put out if someone invited my fiance to a wedding and not me - but I would be completely mortified if he asked them to invite me, omg cringe!

     

    *Well, except for one of our friends who was desperate to bring her boyfriend and kept asking and when the answer was no she then asked how much the meal was per head because she would pay for his! In the end the bride agreed he could come and it was awful for him as he was sat on a table with a pile of women and didn't know anyone. Plus they've now split up - grr.

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379
    Jomc11 wrote (see)
    SheandHim wrote (see)

    I've made allowances for my cousins to bring a plus 1, two are fickle with relationships but one of them has a steady boyfriend so I can't really say yes to one and no the the other two.

    The one I'm stuck on is a colleague from work, I'm only inviting her from my workplace because the others are all really nasty, but she's not going to know anyone there, and I know the person she'll bring is a bit of a drunk and someone i don't really want at my wedding....dilemma! 

     

    I think you would have to give a plus one there, hopefully the ratio to this one person its not as bad & you wont notice any drunken antics image

    Sigh....I know, the thing is she's just a friend of hers, not a partner and i've only met her twice and both times she was really drunk and very rude, and I don't really want to subject my family to that. The decision is leering towards me not inviting my colleague at all unfortunately.

  • This is the only thing that has really annoyed me in the planning process but thankfully Ive only had one person ask if their partner could come. When I said we were tight on numbers he even said ok well if someone can't make it maybe she could come then. Thats my bloody decision not yours! 

    He said that he was disappointed because they have been together quite a while now (less than a year) but I personally don't think the amount of time they have been together should be bought into it. If you know one well and not their other half inviting one to the day and the other to the evening is perfectly acceptable in my book!

  • FutureMrsKFutureMrsK Posts: 234

    We aren't inviting partners we haven't met. We are having a small wedding and I don't want to meet new people on my wedding day. I am a very shy person when I first meet someone and I just wouldn't feel happy with that idea.
    Lucky for us we have met a lot of then partners and most are married so they are invited. The couples we haven't met haven't been together very long at this stage of our planning so unless some people can't come, their partners won't be invited to the sit down meal.
    I don't understand why you would be annoyed if your partner isn't invited to a wedding when they haven't met the bride or groom, even if you have been together a while. I was invited to a wedding because I was with my Fiancé and I had only met the bride once, I felt really uncomfortable because I didn't really know anyone.  

  • Blossom66Blossom66 Posts: 19

    I'm not necessary talking about your friends partners. Alot of my friends came single and were fine about it luckily they were mostly single. But people who were married I did invite there partners. But I would definitely say don't invite anyone to your day you don't want there to please others especially relatives or friends that your only inviting for your parents sake long lost relatives and friends emmm no!  Especially if they say there coming and don't and you wasted money on someone your not bothered about, because after the wedding you will kick yourself about how much money you wasted on people your not bothered about its your day do what you want I wish I had! Good luck hun xx

  • Wow loving all the advice! Yeah my thinking was that if someone was there who didn't actually know anyone then they might feel uncomfortable anyway. But once someone has asked it indicates they feel quite strongly that their partner should be there. So, as we haven't had all our RSVPs back yet, I think I'm going bank on a few people declining our invitation and just saying yes to these few extras. It's a tricky one but then people are making so much effort to come I obviously want them all to have a good time! Cheers for all your help! x x

  • Loads of advice from you all. Thanks - I'm just looking at our provisional list and venues and working out where to cut if we need to.
    I'm wanting to invite a few friends from uni and most are single/in new relationships (and given their track record, it may be over in a few months). But, one friend of mine from the group has a partner and children. Do I invite the whole family? (I'd like to as I've met them and like them) but then will the family feel at the edge of the uni group?

    To make it more complicated, I have friends from church who have husbands and children and I'd certainly invite them as a unit. I don't want to put anyone out.

    That's before we get round to where you draw the line with family - especially when there's family you see more than others. 

    Glad I'm not alone with this. xxx

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    I think it comes down to your own preference, your guest aren't going to know your logic in inviting people and if you make exceptions (unless you say no kids and there are others with kids there), who are they to question your invitation process?

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848

    I've been invited to a wedding without my OH, we were living together but not married at the time, it was an old school friend of mine who lived in my home town and he'd never met her, he probably wouldn't have wanted to come anyway

    But I never would've asked for an extra place, even for the evening, if I really hadn't wanted to go I'd have said no, but as it was a big group of us from school went together and had a great catch up!

  • We are inviting established partners I think....

    So when we send the invitations out in January anyone that has been with their partners some time we will extend the invite to their partners but then anyone else will not get a plus one just because their brother / sister / friend has a partner....

    If anyone gets into a relationship after this time period then they can come to the evening but not the day. & likewise if anyone breaks up they dont get to bring someone else instead ...

    We alreday have 130 people and if I can reduce it I willimage

    The huge number was not my ideaimage

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    I've been invited to the day at a wedding without my fiance, he is invited to the night. Neither of us are offended.

    We have people coming to the day and their partners are only invited to the evening as we don't really know them and we want to limit the guests to 70.

    I don't see why anyone would be offended to be honest, weddings are really expensive so why should you be obliged to invite someone you don't know just 'because'? Seems a bit odd to me, but then again I'm fairly laid back about stuff like that and understand the difficulty that goes into picking guests.

    image

  • We're not inviting other halves if they're not a part of our lives. So some people are coming as pairs, and some not - it doesn't matter how long they've been together.

    An aunt has quibbled that we're inviting the partners of two cousins, but not the brand new girlfriend of another (who I had no idea existed). I was really cross that not only did she go to my mum to air her grievances (not me), but that she asked at all. There's been a firm email telling her just what the deal is.

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    What if the couple are married?  How do you all feel about inviting one of a married couple?

  • We're inviting the partners only if they have been together for longer than a few months wether we have met them or not.. my cousin for example has been with her boyfriend for about 3yrs maybe, im inviting him too even though ive never met him. I wont be offended though if he decides not to come.

    Personally i think its a little bit rude not to invite partners, the best mans girlfriend i cannot stand! Shes had 5-10 abortions in a couple of years and she disgusts me because of this.. but because my fiance and his best man have been friends for years and years and are pretty close it wouldnt be right to invite him and not her just because i dont like her plus shes now about 5/6mths preg with his baby so they're properly together..

    Anyway im waffling abit now lol

  • We gave everyone a plus one - named if they had a spouse, partner or boy/girlfriend, and just "plus one" if as far as we knew there was no one special, to let them know they were welcome to bring someone.

    Basically we are nosy, and we saw the wedding as an opportunity to meet the people who are important to the people who are important to us.

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