Stressed about budget talks with my family

 

 

 

Posts

  • I would keep saving and planning and perhaps start thinking about cutting costs down. Your father doesn't sound like he's going to contribute that much if anything at all and to be honest you shouldn't really expect it, although he shouldn't be saying he doesn't want to waste his money.

    When we planned ours we budgeted to what we (me and the fiance) could afford, everything else was a bonus. If he's not going to contribute you should be budgeting to the £10k and whatever you can afford between yourselves.

    Perhaps tell him that you really don't need any house warming gifts at the moment because you're planning an expensive wedding and that's where all the money should be going. Tell him you're budgeting at the moment and it would be really useful to know exactly what you can spend.

  • is the 20k including the honeymoon? that is quite expenisive for one day especially when its over so quickly

    money and weddings get a bit funny with people. i would hope ur dad is planning on putting in a contribution but you may have to plan as though he isnt....

    how long is it till ur wedding?

  • Amanda12Amanda12 Posts: 127

    I really don't think you should be banking on money from your family. While your in laws have been very generous, that is quite rare these days and increasingly people pay for their own weddings ( myself included). The idea of my family contributing never crossed my mind. I am not remotely offended they haven't offered. I want my family there and that is enough for me.  Anything that is offered later by your parents (If anything) should be graciously accepted.

     

    i too agree that 20k is a lot and personally I'd be looking at ways to reduce that cost so as you can afford it between yourselves and in laws. 

  • Sarah 39Sarah 39 Posts: 691

    I don't think you should expect contributions from anyone. It's your day and should be prepared to foot the bill. If people can contribute then great, but that's not always the case.

    Perhaps you should make it clear to your dad that you don't expect him to contribute anywhere near as much as your H2B's parents. It sounds to me that he started to back tract about the contribution when you told him you were getting 10k from your H2B's parents - maybe that's because he simply can't match that, or anything close to that.

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Okay I think there are a few issues here and you need to break them down. (1) You need a budget for your wedding and it's hard to do this when you don't know what contributions you have, (2) You have an expectation that your parents will contribute to your wedding and you're hurt that they haven't done so yet; and (3) You have a budget in mind of £20k that (understandably) you want to reach. Obviously these things are all connected but I think it may help you to focus on them separately.

    On the first point - I think you should try and speak to your Dad and explain that you're getting married and the way he can help you most is by contributing to your wedding - not buying you a bathtub. I think you should be very up front with him and say that you are expecting to need £x amount to have the day that you want and if he can contribute at all to that, then it would be really appreciated. Even if he gives you £1-2k, that will go a long way. If he's adamant he doesn't want to give you money, could you ask him to set you a budget for two parts of the day (e.g. dress and transport?) and he pays for that? It sounds like he wasnts something tangible to buy and that way he can.

    I agree that it sounds like your Mum/Step Dad aren't going to give you anything. For that reason, once you know what your Dad can contribute, I would take that + your in laws contribution + whatever you think you can save as being your budget and work within that.


    On the second point - the issue with the expectation that your parents will contribute is a tricky one because, yes, it is an old tradition that the parents of the bride pay but, like, many traditions, it doesn't hold true for a lot of people and in our modern society - your parents may not have thought they'd be expected to pay - especially if it's something you haven't talked about (understandably so).

    It sounds like your Dad may have been taken aback by how much your in laws are giving. It could also be that he can in no way match that amount and so is embarrassed by this and doesn't want to give you any money because he knows it'll be compared to the amount that your in laws are giving.

    My parents are contributing 50% of our wedding and my partners' parents haven't contributed at all. But my partners' parents are retired and, while they haven't give us money, they've spent a lot of time helping us choose a venue and other suppliers. My parents live abroad and aren't able to do these things so, between both sets of parents, we've had helping hands in lots of ways not just financial. Maybe you need to give your parents time to offer their help in more ways than just this one. I can completely understand your hurt but I think your best bet is to try and get a practical response from your Dad if you can and then try and manage your own expectations a bit. I'm sure your Mum and Step Dad will help you in other ways and hopefully your Dad will give you cash rather than buy you a bath...!

    All the best!

  • Mrs K!!Mrs K!! Posts: 664

    Hi, Me and my htb are paying for the lot and have budgeted accordingly, we had researched before planning and knew roughly what we wanted and an amount we would be comfortable paying.

    It may be the way to go. I think, whoever has the money usually has the power, whoever is donating usually has to be keen on what they are paying for.  I have seen at a few of my friends weddings where parents have massively contributed but have had there visions reached (including venue, food options and guest list). 

    Although you think it is traditional for parents to contribute its not a given and shouldn't in my opinion be treated as such.  Also your parents are divorced so maybe to your Dad he feels about a wedding much differently than your fiancés parents?  So your house may be more of where his priority's lye?

     

    (Although in saying all the above, if anyone would like to donate £10k for my wedding they are more than welcome)!!!/imageimageimage

  • So you are planning a £20.000 wedding without planning on contributing a penny? I think thats wrong, you should work out a budget to what you and your fiance can afford and then any offers from family are a bonus.. whilst i understand that tradition means the parents pay.. at the end of the day you want to get married so you should be footing the bill and not relying on others to pay for it.

    P.s. Im sorry if that sounds harsh, i dont mean it to! Hope you manage to come to some arrangement where everyone is happy image

  • I apologise in advance that I'm going to be a bit harsh.

     

    If you have lots to pay for and have just bought a new house, maybe put the wedding on hold until YOU can afford the day you want without relying on contributions. We got engaged last Christmas, we too bought a house and have a 3 month old baby. We are being sensible and grown up and planning on getting married in 2017 so we have plenty of time to save. If you can't afford the day you want yet, you can't have it. Simple. I think you need to stop relying on others, it's very rare that happens nowadays.

     

    Don't give your dad a hard time, maybe he's embarrassed that he can't afford to contribute the same as your future in laws. And maybe the money you would've spent on a bathtub, you can put towards your wedding as your dad is happy to foot that cost. Stop sounding ungrateful.

     

    In regards to your mum and her husband, you said yourself they've never had much money so why would you want them to give you money they possibly don't have. They can help in other ways. Maybe your mum can bake, make favours, help making invites...more practical things. Help doesn't have to be financial.

    It is your decision to get married not your parents so stop expecting from them. I do hope my daughter doesn't have your attitude when she comes to get married. 

  • i would set ur budget as 10k and work around that as you will prob go over - if u set it as 20k and go over then ur screwed

    its a lot for one day - my budget was 10k but i went a little over and i can honestly say most of it was a waste on money - its just one day! but most of the costs become more due to family members wanting more pople etc.

    more money doesnt equal a more special day - infact most weddings that cost less because they are more personal are more special

    ur dad prob got a shock and may think u expect him to contribute the same amount as the inlaws - which he may not be able to afford!

    in terms of sorting a budget again say its 10k and see what u can do with that - even in th eplanning stages u will know roughly how much u will be going over by. tho i have to say if ur venue is 7k i hope that includes lots - u said it doesnt include drinks? my venue was 6.5k - for 120 people duirng the day, 4 course meal, 2 glasses of wine, 2 toast glasses, canapes, 2 cars, red carpet, photo booth, cake stand, chair covers, evening buffet for 200 guests, dj, and overnight accomodation

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848

    You don's appear to understand how the basic concept of a budget works, it's how much you have to spend - not an imaginary figure you pluck out of thin air that you're not in any way contributing to image

    You're incredibly lucky that your in laws have offered you £10k but that doesn't mean that anyone else should/has to give you a single penny. How much can you & H2B save between now & the wedding? Add that to the £10k and that's your budget

    Since you've said yourself your relationship with your father has never been great I think your expectation of him to give you a huge chunk of money is completely unrealistic, if he's offered a bathtub then be grateful.

    You do not *need* money for your wedding day image you might want money, but I want to win the lottery, doesn't mean it's happening 

     

    So, i dont know what to do about my father. How do you say, politely, that we dont want a bathtub or new carpets, we need money, to pay for our wedding day!

    Should i even mention money to my mum and step father? Is there any point.

     

     

     

  • What was her last comment anyone? As she's suddenly deleted them.. truth hurts i guess

  • MrsN2016MrsN2016 Posts: 147

    Obviously this lady has removed her posta so I don't know what she said but maybe the negativity isn't needed. After all this is a great place to say how we really feel (whether it's right or wrong). Families are complicated and I hope all is brides to be can be supportive. Wedding planning is stressful. We all need this place and for me personally I think it's sad she had to remove her posts, negativity and basing someone who is upset does nothing. There were some good constructive replies too and I hope they helped her. That's just me.

  • More money doesnt equal a more special day - infact most weddings that cost less because they are more personal are more special

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