Budget ? have i gone to far? or just right?

hey all B2B and H2B 

we finally did a cost up with a year to go to see if we are on track we originally had a budget of £17k -we both have good jobs and can afford the budget - we are also saving for our first house at the same time. 

when people ask how much we are spending they are shocked!

they all say its one day dont spend it but if its what we want why does it matter? other friends who have asked who we have booked for things i.e photographer/ cake maker/ decorator/ have seen there prices after asking for the links and then flown off on one saying how could we spend that sort of money!- then i keep getting sly remarks when were out for a drink .... " she can get the drinks in she clearly has to much money to spend" ... im really hurt by it im now not telling anyone about anyone else we have booked we work bloody hard for our money and have very good jobs for our age! so why shouldn't we spend what we can afford to.

just wondering has anyone else been in the situation where you get little remarks over silly things it has really hit  a nerve with me especially as they asked me what and who we were booking it wasn't that i shouted from the roof top my budgets 

 

apparently the budget is huge for the amount of people we have coming 

80 day and 130 evening - my friends then worked it out on the day guests and said im  spending around £212pp for the day guests!

 

the other issue im having is we said no children! we dont want them there and its our wedding but when the invites went out we had mixed issues some of my friends cant wait for the night off and let their hair down, OH's family have said if you spending that much you can pay for my sitter! - am i wrong to feel i shouldn't have to pay for that! 

 

im now stressing out about it! 

Posts

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    I could have wrote this post myself and really feel for you. It's difficult as it doesn't sound like you're openly talking about it and only when people ask so it's not like you're doing a 'look how much money we have'. Unfortunately I think you're just going to have to smile through it. I get around it by explaining weve been together ten years and so it's a celebration of our time together and not just one day to us. We want to say thanks to everyone for supporting us through some pretty shit times over that period. As for the £200+ thing, that's absolute rubbish if they're factoring in things like photographer etc. Even if they aren't, who works out how much someone else is spending on their wedding?!?! Smile... Good luck x 

  • MrsDtoBMrsDtoB Posts: 100

    All that matters is that you are spending what you can afford and having what you want. Are they getting married too? If not I wouldn't share any links or costs with them as some people just want to have a nose! And if they are and have made previous comments I would just say that the price is probably more than they would be happy to spend so no point in sharing the details. 

    i would tell them if they are that worried about how much you are spending and want to help reduce the costs they can not come and then that's less people to pay for! Some people are so rude and I really feel for you! 

    I also agree with Helen225 the £212 per head is complete rubbish. No one works out their per head cost based on everything they have spent in total! 

    As a side not people who haven't been married recently have no idea what a wedding costs so I think they would be shocked because they don't realise that those prices are the norm.... So dont let it get to you. 

  • LittleOne89LittleOne89 Posts: 388 New bride

    I'm glad I'm not the only crazy one saving for a house and a wedding at the same time!

    Spend what you want- it's your day not theirs, and besides, you can't take it with you! Enjoy your money however you want to, it's not like you're going into debt over it. 

  • all 3 of them are getting married, that's  the only reason i gave them the link to a few suppliers as they asked me what mine were like - i would never say my budget unless asked i thought we were really close and i could share with them i would never say it first as you never know what others situations are like etc - 

    i work in travel and have alot of connections for honeymoons - which is making our honeymoon amazing and really getting alot for our money were currently looking at 3 nights in NYC then 10 nights in Mexico im so excited but i dare share my excitement with them. 

    my MOH has just got married and she had a similar budget to me although our weddings are 2 ends of the scale with what we want she understands the price of things 

    im now dreading them coming next year - 2 of them get really lairy when they have had a drink and i dont want them shouting about the cost which is what 1 of them will do - what to do 

     

  • Our overall budget for everything all in is £22,000 and I have not had any comments thank GOD! I think the OH's family had some comments to say to him but he wisely gave me a very edited version and I just said it's our wedding and we will do what we want!

    I think £15-£20k is very average for a wedding these days... yes, you can do it on a lower or higher budget as well but I would not be surprised in the slightest if someone told me it was costing £17k... are they also planning weddings? Maybe they are worried about being upstaged!

    Only thing I can suggest is avoiding any money chat, if they ask for any more supplier details just make out you're still deciding and dont tell them anything else... With friends like that who needs enemies hey?! DW your budget is not ridiculous it's very normal. If you're in the position to spend this then go for it! xx

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Money is a sensitive issue and can unfortunately turn people sour particularly when weddings are concerned. I have generally avoided the conversation about how much money my wedding is costing for the reasons you have found out. It personally makes me uncomfortable to discuss as I don't want to be judged or upset someone, especially if they aren't quite as fortunate financially.

    For most, I think it's a case of the green-eyed monster which just needs to be shrugged off, even if it is a bit upsetting to be on the receiving end of! I guess for others, it's all to do with relativity. If you're willing to spend £2000 on a photographer say, that could be enough for someone else to become debt free or go on a much-needed holiday they can't currently afford. It can be a bitter pill to swallow so perhaps you need to be careful with your audience in the future. You are lucky to be in well paid jobs that enable you to have a lovely wedding and a house, but bear in mind that not everyone is as fortunate and that doesn't make them 'less deserving' than you as a result! 

    You are absolutely in your right to spend whatever you want on your wedding though. Regardless of whether a wedding costs £500 or £50000, it is about two people making an amazing commitment to each other which is all that matters 😊 x

  • Mrs NeekMrs Neek Posts: 445 New bride

    I can so relate! We have a 20k budget for the wedding and we're also saving for a house. I've heard it all, how can you spend that much blah blah. My response is smile and say we can afford it and keep it moving lol. OH and I have been saving for the last few years, cut back on going out, shopping ect, therefore if it's not hurting our pockets, then why not. It's our day noone else's. I have a friend who makes snide remarks, I decided to know longer tell her about the financial aspect of things as it's not her business and I just don't want that negative energy.

    At the end of the day, it's about you and your OH xx

  • Mrs B2b3Mrs B2b3 Posts: 255

    Why would you need to tell anyone your budget? It's not a spending competition!

  • Emma417Emma417 Posts: 241

    It would seem in the world of weddings and finances people think they can voice their frank opinions and rude comments at people. No matter if you're deciding to spend more or less than what THEY think is acceptable, people have something to say. I don't get it though?

    People don't have the same attitude to couples that decide to go on a lifelong dream holiday? No, they wish them well and like all of their Instagram posts along the way. 

    No-one but the 2 people involved in making the decisions should having ANYTHING to say about what you are or are not spending. 

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,188 New bride

    I didn't get it around my wedding necessarily (27k for 60 day guests) as my in-laws put a huge chunk into the wedding pot but expected us to have a certain type of day but have brought a new car recently and it seems to have brought the worst out of everyone so I can completely relate. I don't really understand why people can't just be happy to see other people do well. My husband and I both work very hard and dont feel the need to explain ourselves, but I was hurt by some of the bitching that went on. I think you need to call people out on it; say it's your wedding and up to what you spend, if it makes people that uncomfortable where they feel the need to be bitchy about it then they are welcome to save you money by not attending.

    Take it as a life lesson though, it isn't about the money, it's about who is happy to see you do well. Those people are your real friends 

  • Try not to let it upset you or take the shine of your plans. You and your friends will all have lovely, unique weddings whatever your budgets. Money is always a sensitive subject and weddings seem to be an open invitation for people to give you their opinions (whether you want them to or not). I read this article the other day and thought it may help http://www.lovemydress.net/blog/2016/07/justifying-wedding-costs.html i agree w

  • With the writer that people are less quick to pass comment on the costs of once in a lifetime holidays than weddings. I also agree with you that if you can afford it, why shouldn't you choose to spend your money that way. It sounds like your friends asked for your help with quotes rather than you bragging about costs and bringing it up, so don't beat yourself up about it all X 

  • Mrs B2B3 - Never once said it was a "Spending Competition"  - when your so called friends make it seem like they need your help! which i always offer then its turned round to make out that im spending to much ! 

    we have amazing jobs and now im in a we will have what we want mood - and not worry what others think if they are really my friends they will be happy for me - not when we go out for dinner as 6 girl friends 1 of them said she is spending so much on her wedding she can pick up the bill! 

    people get jealous to easy no we arnt having to scrimp and save as we had the money already and split our savings 2/3 house deposit 1/3 wedding and honeymoon - but my "friends" seem to think i shouldn't go out or on holiday as i should be saving ! 

    thanks everyone for the help and advise :)

     

  • MrsWoolgroveMrsWoolgrove Posts: 888

    It's definitely a jealousy thing. One of my friends decided to hate everything I was doing with my wedding because my budget allowed me to do things she couldn't (my parents are helping out). Once she realised this, it all worked itself out. I'd stress that every wedding is different because every couple is different. I'm having a formal wedding because that's who we are as a couple. My friend had a casual DIY wedding for less than half the price, but it was absolutely beautiful and encompassed them as a couple. I'd say you're at a different stage in your lives and are bound to be very different couples so of course your budgets would be different. They just need to realise that.

  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 584 New bride

    I don't think £17K for that number of guests it OTT- sounds about right when you also factor in wedding clothes, flowers, photographer etc. Your friends are being a bit jealous and mean!

    Remember: a) its no one else's business what you spend and b)  if you can afford it spend it, its your day :) Enjoy it :) If you have the money to spend then do so. I mean seriously, why wouldn't you? If you can afford £17K why would you budget and cut back to only spend £10K?

    Stuff those jealous people. Don't let them make you feel bad- if you work hard and earn good money you get to spend it how you choose. If they want more cash to spend they need to work harder to earn more. It makes me angry that people are making you feel guilty over your wedding budget  Its not like you're spending £30K! And even if you were, if you have that kinda money, what does it matter!

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    I probably spent around £25k for my previous wedding. I can share the following observations in retrospect:

    -Certain people, if your wedding is lush enough, will think you are "made of money" and have it to toss their way for their weddings, birthdays, the bar bill, baby showers, etc. There will literally be people who think that they have it coming from you for years because you apparently "have it to throw around."

    -We didn't share the amounts we planned to spend with anyone, or any of our plans even, because we were not asked. However, even if not asked, people will look around at your event and assume you spent this or that. So there's no winning this one.  Whether you shared info (to help your friends) or didn't, people will still talk about you having spent too much (or even too little) on this or that.

    -People do not take into account how/where the money came from, and they don't care. There was a bride on here some years ago that truly had the "dream" wedding. She worked for an event planning company, and many of the items were comp'd or given to her for a good discount. There were tonnes of comments about "wow, I wish I could afford that" etc. on her thread, some good-hearted I'm sure, but others with a bit of green envy. We used a part of my OH's retirement savings, and then put the money back over the next two years. Others, like MrsM, have help from family. And still other people, go into debt to throw the big party - they don't have the funds in hand now, but still want to have the wedding of their dreams. In the end, however you piece your wedding funds together, people don't pay attention to this and even if they do know, they generally don't care. If they think you over or under-spent, they're going to gossip anyway and not take into account how the deal got done.

    -Friendships can be damaged over things like this. "Back-handed" compliments, snide remarks, and obvious jealously can harm a friendship beyond repair when wedding-related money comes into conversation - unless you don't let it. If you value the friends/friendships enough and believe that these people are otherwise good-hearted individuals, you may want to give them a pass. If you think these comments are more indicative of their true character, then maybe after the wedding has passed, the friendship will as well.

    -Guests are definitely looking for a good time - and the shallow-hearted won't turn out for a wedding they deem a low-budget, low-fun time. This is a lesson I'm currently learning through my sister. She is having a very low-budget wedding, largely because she is in great debt from her education. Her wedding is in less than one month and she has (10) RSVPs - including family. I'm not kidding, ten. The fact of the matter is, that wedding guests might criticise those that throw a big bash, but the fact is that they are more inclined to want to attend it. People like lush food, free-flowing drinks, beautiful gardens, etc. So let them criticise away...the fact remains that they will attend a well-done event because there's good stuff in it for them.

    -People who comment on your business with the wedding are likely the same people who will comment on other areas of your life - whether it's your job, the house you buy, the manicure you get, the car you drive, etc. People who like to talk about others' success or lack thereof - will always do so. The topic itself is irrelevant. My OH gets this a LOT due to his professional success. People look around our place and we hear a lot of "wow, you must be doing really well," "wow, I wish I could afford a new truck every year," etc. It won't stop at just the wedding for these personality types.

    The moral to be had: have the wedding you want. Spend what you feel comfortab

  • We are also saving for a house and planning our wedding. 

    I had my first sarcy remark from a lady at work saying I will regret spending money on a wedding when we don't even have or own home yet which really annoyed me.

    we are actually currently living with my mum but or argument is we probably wouldn't be able to afford a wedding once we get a mortgage so we want to do that first.

    Its no ones business how much you are spending, if I could afford that budget I deffintiley would spend it :)

  • DisneyPrincessBride wrote (see post):

    We are also saving for a house and planning our wedding. 

    I had my first sarcy remark from a lady at work saying I will regret spending money on a wedding when we don't even have or own home yet which really annoyed me.

    we are actually currently living with my mum but or argument is we probably wouldn't be able to afford a wedding once we get a mortgage so we want to do that first.

    Its no ones business how much you are spending, if I could afford that budget I deffintiley would spend it :)

    we knew as soon as we buy a house we couldn't save anywhere near what we are now! - we decided to have a longer engagement 2+1/2 years we are now just under a year and we are looking at move out begining of next year - we have paid off the whole wedding apart from suites (he cant decide) and little extras - i have the money for this already aside and waiting with a 1k emergency fund -if we dont need it it will go towards paying off our honeymoon.

     

    its not like it hasn't been hard saving! before we got engaged we had alot saved for a house which a 3rd of went on our wedding (17k) the rest hasn't been touched and has been locked away in an account waiting - we have then saved 2k each month on top - no we dont go out as much as we used to no we dont go on the holidays we used to but its all worth it! and there is no way we can save that much when paying for a mortgage 

     

    so last night we looked at things and made sure everything is done apart from suites! and realised i have never tallied up the venue ! oops

    turns out were at 22k + honeymoon 

     xxx

  • HereitgoesHereitgoes Posts: 206 New bride

    I can honestly say OH and I underestimated the cost of weddings. We originally planned for a 6k budget, thinking that with all the things we wanted that we could do it on that budget but we learnt pretty soon that wasn't the case. In the end it came to 20k, supernatural money lol, who really goes into it all thinking I just have that to spare when you have other things going on, BUT who cares? Our wedding day was a true celebration, and after everything we had been through, to now be able to be married meant so much more to us then the focus of the money being spent. We paid for it without any loans and worked hard so that we could pay for what we wanted. Wedding costs all add up and most of the time its the little details that bring the cost up; the last minute bits you forgot. However, its YOUR wedding and jealous people will always find a way to put a negative stamp on it because of their own issues. If you want to spend 15k on a chair so you can look like a king and queen for the day, who the hell has a right to say anything about it? And really how and why does it affect anyone else? Its not like you asked them to sell their possessions, and give you their money so you can to fund it.

    We had a gorgeous day (will do a final report soon), and we had to budget for every penny that came to us. It was hard as we chose to get married 10 months after our engagement, which meant all luxuries were cut I.e. going out to dinner, cloths and food shopping but it was so worth it. We had people even after the wedding claiming that we must've paid for it through this or that means and OH and I just laughed at the stench of their jealousy. Some people can be happy for you, others unfortunately can't but that is their business not yours.

    I agree with kitten too, most of the people who complain about how much others are spending on their  'expensive bash' of a wedding day are the first ones to want to make sure they receive an invite. People will judge your day regardeless e.g whether its on a Thursday or Saturday, whether you are using this type of decor or that, whether the flowers are fresh or artificial, whether your dress is bought from a boutique or as a sample, whether a friend takes all the pictures or whether you choose to go for a high end 5k photographer, the answer is who cares?  Whether you were blessed to have financial help from others or whether you saved it all up yourself, when you realise that some people just will have something to say no matter what, you'll care less.

  • thank you for all your words of wisdom! 

    im now in the mind set of when were old we will only have the memories - we can take our money with us so why now have an amazing time now  :) xxx

     

    Much Love EnglishRoseInLove xxx

     

  • Hi!

    well just to put things into perspective the budget for a wedding in our culture (with 300 guests) is 50k! This is generally how much roughly friends and family have spent. Already panicking but parents are willing to help out so it makes things easier. 

    I think moving forward I wont tell people my budget especially friends. Unfortunately a lot of the time it is the green eyed monster but it's your wedding so do what makes you feel best and ignore the ignorance. Fyi if I had anyone telling me to buy them drinks after mentioning my budget I think I'll tell them where to go! You don't need that negativity in your life 

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