Are money gifts acceptable? How do you ask? How much on average?

Hello ladies,

This question might be strange, I hope not. My fiancé is Scottish and he tells me there it's not customary for family or guests to give money gifts at weddings. In Spain, weddings cost a fortune (restaurants hear the word "wedding" and the next thing you know, the cost starts at 3 figures per person and many places have a minimum of 60, 80 or 100 guests).  No one in their right mind accepts an invitation to a wedding unless they're willing to cover at least their own meal and a little bit extra. The unwritten rule is a minimum of 150€/person (300€/couple). Not doing so is considered rude and "taking advantage" ("if you can't afford to go, decline").

Your close relatives would give you more money or pay for the dress, or even the entire banquet. In that case, you can use the money gifts from guests for your honeymoon, furnishing your house, etc. Not every family is the same of course but the system I describe is pretty standard.

Many wedding invitations contain bank accounts. It replaces the old system of putting money in envelopes and no one takes offence. 

Many couples have already been living together for quite some time and the least they need is a toaster, a kettle, or 10. Not only do you already have all of that, but toasters do not pay wedding bills or more important things. Therefore, money is the answer.

Now, could you please tell me how this is addressed in the UK and particularly in Scotland? Is it true that it's completely out of the question to ask for money gifts? How do you raise the topic, how do people make these gifts (bank account provided in the invitation?) And how much is usually given, per person, if this is done at all?

Thank you very much in advance.

Sybil

 

Posts

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    In the U.K. It is a fairly new thing that couples sometimes ask for cash, generally the more common thing to do is set up a gift list with specific items the couple needs to set up their home together. i will however point out that in no way are wedding guests expected to give money in order to cover the cost of the wedding in the U.K. ( this I think would be considered rude) as they are your "guests" you have invited to help you celebrate your day, they should not be viewed as a cash cow to finance your celebration. And I couldn't tell you what would be given on average, that is down to the individual how much they can afford, whether you've invited them for the whole day or just the evening. We've  been invited to a wedding of the daughter of a friend but just the evening do, the daughter has asked for cash towards her honeymoon (a specific use has been mentioned which in my mind makes it ok to ask for cash) she has said there will be a postbox to put cards in but has also provided bank details. We will put £30 in a card for them. Hope this helps a little, it's tricky getting married where the traditions are completely different isn't it? My fiancé grew up in Zimbabwe and no one there ever asks for anything so getting his head around how things work here was difficult!

  • Rachael116Rachael116 Posts: 150

    We've told people on a card within the invite that the most important thing is that they attend but if they'd like to they can contribute to our honeymoon fund for our dream break to USA and Canada.

    We've had 2 donations so far in the form of cheques which have gone into a separate bank account which our mum's have the details of as well as us. I think most of our friends will, if anything, give us £20, but family I'd imagine would be a little more generous (£50 or more), my mum has already mentioned giving us the maximum wedding gift the UK inheritance tax system will allow (she's had a shocking run of ill health and is pre-empting her finance being sorted).

    Hope this helps. So far only one potential guest has commented negatively about our money request.

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    Asking for money as a wedding gift will always be controversial (see previous threads on here!!) However i don't see an issue with it personally.

    When we hot married we already lived together and didn't need any house related gifts but wanted to build an extension on our kitchen. We were very lucky and we're given over £4,000 by our guests. Nobody said anything negative and to be honest were probably grateful that our request was so easy and they didn't need to run around finding a gift!!

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    We've asked for money towards our honeymoon but it's in the form of a travel agent gift list (trail finders) which most people find slightly more palatable even if it's essentially the same thing as asking for cash. If you search on here, there's always debate about whether asking for cash outright is considered rude or not. 

    In terms of amount, I always give £50 as an evening guest, £100 as a full day guest (this is as a couple). 

    Good luck! 

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,609 New bride

    Bella is right that while this is slowly becoming the norm in the uk, it's still a controversial issue and there are some people that find it rude. However with the practicalities of modern day couples living together before marriage and not needing toasters, it is becoming much more acceptable to most. For our wedding we have asked for cash but we also have a small physical gift list. So far two (older) couples have wanted to get us a proper gift as they don't like to give cash.

    The last 5 or 6 weddings I have been to (all couples our age) have asked for cash. We put £50 in a card from us together. As an evening guest I'd maybe just bring a bottle of bubbly or something.

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    It does vary and older people who maybe havent been to a wedding in the last few years may be shocked even offended but as everyones said its becoming the norm, i am 31 and have never bought a wedding gift as all my friends have asked for money. I probably wouldn't put bank account details on the invitation, maybe include this as a separate piece of paper for your family who you know won't be offended and not include it for the scots? 

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,609 New bride

    Oh yes wed172b makes a good point, I wouldn't include bank account info on the invite! Even young people might think a bit presumptuous. People prefer to give cash in a card as it's like they are still handing over a gift. It's also nice to say what the money is for- paying off the wedding not being a particularly acceptable use! But saying the cash is for a honeymoon or a new home is fine. Some people like to include little poems asking for money but most find them a bit twee and patronising. A simple line saying that as you have lived together a while you don't need household items, but cash gifts towards a honeymoon would be much appreciated will suffice.

  • The New Mrs WThe New Mrs W Posts: 185

    We asked for cash and have around £4k I think. I agree it's becoming the norm to ask for and give cash in the UK. We asked for contributions to our honeymoon which we are planning for early next year (we got married 10 days ago) As couples people gave between £40 and £500, but I'd say the average was probably £100 per couple and that's the amount we tend to give at other weddings. 

    Originally we just put on our wedding website that if they wanted to give a gift then we would love money towards our honeymoon. Lots of people asked for bank details so in the end we emailed our bank details out along with other information (where to park, logistics, reminding about timings etc) a couple of weeks before. 

    There will always be people who don't feel comfortable giving cash, especially the older generation so we did also receive some lovely gifts from them. Also a fair few didn't give anything and I don't see this as rude at all. The wedding day is more about celebrating with your family and friends than receiving gifts. 

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    On the subject of your post MrsW, we also had a few people attend who didn't give us anything. Which I just thought was odd-not even a card!!

    Plus my husbands aunt and uncle put a £5 note in a card and said it was from them,  their son plus partner, daughter plus partner and son, and other son plus partner and daughter. (They all came to the whole day and night). Whilst I don't want to seem rude I thought that was an odd thing to give between 8 adults! !

  • Lucy266Lucy266 Posts: 176
    Tanya128 wrote (see post):

    In the U.K. It is a fairly new thing that couples sometimes ask for cash, generally the more common thing to do is set up a gift list with specific items the couple needs to set up their home together. i will however point out that in no way are wedding guests expected to give money in order to cover the cost of the wedding in the U.K. ( this I think would be considered rude) as they are your "guests" you have invited to help you celebrate your day, they should not be viewed as a cash cow to finance your celebration. And I couldn't tell you what would be given on average, that is down to the individual how much they can afford, whether you've invited them for the whole day or just the evening. 

    I agree with Tanya, there is no tradition of "covering your plate " in the UK and it would cause offence to ask for a specific amount or imply that cash is an expectation in anyway. I personally think it's fine to say something along the lines of "If you would like to give us a gift, we would appreciate a monetary donation towards our honeymoon " etc etc. Bank account dets should be on the website or when requested, not in the invite.

    I would give £60-80 as a gift from me and my partner.

  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    I agree with Bella-I would think it a bit odd for people to turn up without anything; I don't even go to people's house for a house party or dinner without bringing something! But it's also not very palatable to be asked to bring a specific amount.

    As wed2b and Sammy have pointed out, bank details on invitations might cause offence-maybe  delegate a parent and say something like "we just want you to share our day but if you would like to bring a gift please do contact so-and-so on ......" then she can give out bank details to any Spanish guests and anybody from h2bs side who want to give money and make suggestions to anyone who wants to give a gift.

    Its a bit daft but I would feel a lot more comfortable if a family member said "they've got a lot of things so they'd prefer money towards a honeymoon" than if the couple said it themselves. It's sort of like when you call up your friends mum or husband etc to ask them whey they'd like for their birthday. I'd never ask the actual person. 

    Maybe I'm odd, but that's how most people I know do it anyway!! Haha 😂 

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    Ive been to french weddings where money it pinned to brides dress!  My first wedding in1987 we had a fee guests give money which we found strange and not kind at the time.  I went to a wedding a few years ago where they wanted anything i took a gift and it is loved and still has pride of place, photos to prove it!!   

     

    We have not asked for anything and would be elighted to ecieve money gifts as we have two of everything!    I am 50 in little over a month time!  

     

    We thought about honeymoney but could bring ourselves to ask its just still not quite the done thing yet. 

     

    150€!  That sounds alot i would expect £30 i havent converted this so dont know if thats good, and disagree with paying for plate as we check numbers first to see if we can afford the amount of guests.   

     

     

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Im just not asking for anything. I dont want 'things' and I dont want alcohol, or keepsakes, but I feel like itd be rude to say so.

    So I will just silently hope that if people do want to give us a gift they have the sense to figure out that we have no need or desire for cookie jars or posh china, and give us money or a voucher instead.

    Anything that we do get given and dont want we will give away afterwards.

    Incedently, Ive never been invited to a wedding that had a gift list, the nearest it got was 'no boxed gifts' printed on the invite.

    In the UK people will generally give a gift, even if its just a token. You can request cash of have a gift list but you dont expect gifts, and even then its dodgy territory. Your guests are just that, guests, its not a fundraiser.

    I always feel more generous when the couple havent asked for anything.

  • MrsNolanMrsNolan Posts: 683 New bride

    Pinguin, have you taken no notice of what people have said over the past few days about your attitude and the manner in which you conduct yourself. 

    Your views expressed above are negative and fairly aggressive towards the original poster, whom has said that it is a Spanish custom to hold a wedding in this way. You're basically dismissing her culture as "money grabbing and dodgy as hell" which I find rather offensive, and I'm sure someone of that culture would too. 

    I think you need to consider carefully what you write on this forum before posting. I'm sure many users agree that when they see your name pop up on a post they think "oh here we go again..." 

    If you are in fact a bride to be, (I have serious doubts that you are), please keep your rants to yourself, along with your remarkably negative opinions. I'd love to see a comment from you with positive tone to it. 

    If you are in fact just trolling this website to rile people up, I think I can speak on behalf of most people when I say please take your trolling elsewhere. 

     

    Original poster - I am sorry to have hijacked your post with this, I agree with others that you should ask for monetary gifts towards a certain thing, i.e honeymoon, home ect, but don't include bank details on the invite. :) 

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    H2b and I spent a lot of time deciding on money gift or a gift list. We eventually chose a money. But this was only because I own my house and when trying to form a gift list we struggled. While h2b doesn't live with me we do decide on house things together as he will move in before the wedding. 

    Personally I would rather be given some direction of what a couple wants either money, vouchers or a gift list. It really doesn't bother me, its what the couple would like. 

    I wouldn't put bank details on the invite. 

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 792 New bride
    MrsNolan2017 wrote (see post):

    Pinguin, have you taken no notice of what people have said over the past few days about your attitude and the manner in which you conduct yourself. 

    Your views expressed above are negative and fairly aggressive towards the original poster, whom has said that it is a Spanish custom to hold a wedding in this way. You're basically dismissing her culture as "money grabbing and dodgy as hell" which I find rather offensive, and I'm sure someone of that culture would too. 

    I think you need to consider carefully what you write on this forum before posting. I'm sure many users agree that when they see your name pop up on a post they think "oh here we go again..." 

    If you are in fact a bride to be, (I have serious doubts that you are), please keep your rants to yourself, along with your remarkably negative opinions. I'd love to see a comment from you with positive tone to it. 

    If you are in fact just trolling this website to rile people up, I think I can speak on behalf of most people when I say please take your trolling elsewhere. 

    Here here...

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218

    As people are paying for accommodation to come to our wedding we haven't asked for any gifts. Some people have asked about gifls though so we have said a small contribution towards our wedding album would be lovely. We don't expect anything at all though, just them being with us for the wedding xx

  • The New Mrs WThe New Mrs W Posts: 185

    MrsNolan2017 - Well said about Pinguin!

    Pinguin - You say"most weddings ive been to less than half the guests gave gifts and haf of those are token gifts". How do you know this? Were you there when all the cards/gifts were opened? Nobody at our wedding would have had a clue what gifts we received. All they would have seen is people putting cards into our postbox and then the odd wrapped present on the table.

     

  • britbirdbritbird Posts: 1,475 New bride
    Pinguin wrote (see post):

    so you get a free wedding and also extra money???

    guest only come if the pay for themselves???

    and family pay for everything else???

     

    yeah thats definately not a UK thing its a wedding not a money making event and honestly if you cant afford guests then dont have them and elope but to charge guests sounds money grabby and dodgy as hell... ive never known anyone ask for anything for a wedding, gifts aren't a requirement here and most weddings ive been to less than half the guests gave gifts and haf of those are token gifts. You certainly dont decide what a guest should give and a guest certainly doesnt decline if you cant afford that gift (attendance is more important than money, if someone took the time to invite you which is an honor then its a slap in the face to refuse for no good reason)

     

    I usually buy a personal item for a couple at an all day event (something with thought and time that shows I know them well based on their loves or hobbies etc...) and just a bottle of wine for a evening party

     

    OP- Please don't think that all of us here are like Pinguin-  I think I can safely say that we all cringe when we read her posts and are DEFINITELY not in the spirit of the forum.  

    As an Italian-Indian-Burmese-German Brit, who has lived in Spain and Italy I can totally understand where you are coming from.  I have been to weddings in so many different countries, and with many different cultures. Everyone is different, and that is what I love about multiculturalism.   Us Brits do tend to gift a lot less than in other countries, but I certainly haven't ever been to a wedding where people don't give gifts.  That, to me, unless in exceptional circumstances, is totally unacceptable.

    As a rule I give between £70 and £100 for a gift if I am a day guest- and that is for the 2 of us- and £40-£50 for evening.  I have given slightly less for a destination wedding.  One of my close friends got married in Italy, in August, and the whole thing cost us, for 2 nights, over £1500.  I wouldn't have any qualms about asking for money, and I have seen invites recently with bank info but I can understand why some people would find that a bit odd.  

  • Myself and my H2B deliberated for ages about what the right thing to do was - we knew what we wanted ( a new garden ) but we also knew we didn't expect people to pay for it.

    That being said, we decided to specify on our invite that their presence was present enough ( or something along those lines ) but if they wanted to gift us something we would appreciate a contribution towards turning our swamp into a garden.

    We have not provided bank details, but will do on an individual basis if people ask. We have a postbox for any cards / money etc received on the day.

    We have already received a cheque from guests that cannot attend, so we can put a deposit down on our project and that means we can show people what we are planning to do, if we are fortunate to receive any money.

    It is a controversial topic, as demonstrated on this thread. BUT from experience, our families have appreciated our honesty and would rather gift us something we will use, than purchase things we don't need. We have lived together for 7 years so don't need the usual gift lists.

    I think so long as you're honest in what you want to use the money for, and realistic in ensuring you dont expect British guests to gift money you can't go wrong. I wouldn't put bank details on the invites though.

  • Hullass1972Hullass1972 Posts: 576 New bride
    MrsNolan2017 wrote (see post):

    Pinguin, have you taken no notice of what people have said over the past few days about your attitude and the manner in which you conduct yourself. 

    Your views expressed above are negative and fairly aggressive towards the original poster, whom has said that it is a Spanish custom to hold a wedding in this way. You're basically dismissing her culture as "money grabbing and dodgy as hell" which I find rather offensive, and I'm sure someone of that culture would too. 

    I think you need to consider carefully what you write on this forum before posting. I'm sure many users agree that when they see your name pop up on a post they think "oh here we go again..." 

    If you are in fact a bride to be, (I have serious doubts that you are), please keep your rants to yourself, along with your remarkably negative opinions. I'd love to see a comment from you with positive tone to it. 

    If you are in fact just trolling this website to rile people up, I think I can speak on behalf of most people when I say please take your trolling elsewhere. 

     

    Original poster - I am sorry to have hijacked your post with this, I agree with others that you should ask for monetary gifts towards a certain thing, i.e honeymoon, home ect, but don't include bank details on the invite. :) 

    Hear hear!! As my Grandma always said, if you've nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476

    We only included a gift suggestion for the day guests and put 'vouchers' which was quite generic. Some asked what vouchers and the rest gave us cash. We did have some guests that didn't give a card or anything (some of them are quite well-off too!) but they all helped make it a great day which was the most important thing.

  • janice28janice28 Posts: 1

    It seems to be the norm that wedding invitations come with a gift list or, more commonly, a request for a cash donation. I think this is mercenary, rude and sucks the joy out of the occasion. Either I'm your guest or I'm not. Why am I being asked to subsidise your wedding?

    I am much more generous to the couple who wait until they are asked about what they might like as a gift than those that don't. I prefer to give a present to mark the occasion but if I am a close friend or family member, I will often suggest money. However I want that to be my choice.

    I think the considerate thing to do is to have a wedding list with lots of items at a range of prices from low to high.  Even if you have lived together for years and have every household items imaginable, I'm sure you can think of something. Don't send the list out with the invitation and don't include one of those insincere messages which say we just want your presence at the wedding but if you really want to buy us presents, here goes... It usually sounds fake!

     

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 837 New bride

    How have I missed the Pinguin saga? This is the first time I've seen her name pop up! Someone fill me in lmao

    As for us, we're asking for money. I'm just putting a note in the invitations along with accommodation info etc sayin

    "the greatest gift we could ask for would be your presence for our big day. However we understand that some will still wish to give a gift - if this is the case then any donation big or small to our honeymoon fund would be greatly appreciated!

    Paypal

    MandHgetmarried"

     

    Not actually set up the paypal for our joint account yet but we'll do something like that I imagine!

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