How to cope with busy bodies who keep judging how I’m spending my money!

Sorry I’m ranting here

So basically my fiancé and I are paying for our wedding ourselves with no financial help from any family members on either side and I’m definitely not taking out any loans to pay for the wedding. We have worked out a saving plan for our wedding that means we will get married in about 4 years, we can afford to save more but we like to go on holiday or have nights out, we don’t want to live like hermits scrimping and saving every penny just for one day. 

When people ask if we’ve set a date, I tell them we’re getting Some savings together first and we will set a date, it will be a few years away because weddings are expensiv, and they are generally fine with that. The problem is people’s reactions when the wedding isn’t taking over my life and I’m spending money on other things. For example we’ve just booked 3 nights away in Wales in September, I told a friend from work and her first response was “You’re supposed to be saving for a wedding” This isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I booked a holiday to Italy in January for this June, we got engaged in Feb, so obviously when a I booked it I didn’t know Id be saving for a weddin, but as my holidays got closer several friends have made comments about how that money wasnt going toward our wedding fun, I’d booked he holiday before I knew I was getting married, I wasn’t bloody cancelling it! 

I don’t get this whole you’re  engaged it has to take over your life, and you can do nothing else until you’re married because that has to be your number one priority malarkey, I am saving for a wedding, but I’m also not halting my life because of it. We are together we share our life together and we will get married, when we can afford it but we won’t stop enjoying things just because thats what people think you’re supposed to do and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated that my friends can only think about the wedding and telling me that all my energy and money should be going into that. 

Not only that they haven’t asked what we want they just assume that has to be a priority. 

Any advice on how to deal with these people would be gratefully received. But it feels good just to rant about it. 

Posts

  • Elz2017Elz2017 Posts: 316

    Rant away! That must be super irritating.

    Two possible responses - smile sweetly and say nothing, whilst internally cursing them, or tell them politely that it's none of their chuffing business. In my heart I'd say go for the second, but realistically it'l be the first that's most effective. People will forget about it after a while.

    And it really isn't anyone else's business - life doesn't stop just because you're planning a wedding as you rightly point out. It's a bit ridiculous really. 

    Have fun with that internal cursing! 

     

  • Michelle330Michelle330 Posts: 119
    Elz2017 wrote (see post):

    Have fun with that internal cursing! 

     

    Haha! Thanks! The worst one was when a friend who is quite a bit older than me was bereft that it was going to take so long because “she might be dead by then”  I had to walk away from that one!

    I’m not a people pleaser (Which is probably why I find my customer service role so stressful and I need more holidays to relax 😂) and I don’t cope well with people telling me how I should be living my life. Sometimes I find it really hard to bite my tongue with them.

  • Amy491Amy491 Posts: 58

    We had exactly the same thing with our wedding. Even to the point where my mum said something about us going the cinema! When I pointed out that it was only £15 for both of us her reply was “well wouldn’t that cover someone meal”. The meal was £70 per head so it wouldn’t have even covered half. She shut up when I pointed that out. 

    Best thing to do is just ignore them otherwise you’ll have a stressed out 4 years 😊

  • Michelle330Michelle330 Posts: 119
    Amy491 wrote (see post):

    We had exactly the same thing with our wedding. Even to the point where my mum said something about us going the cinema! When I pointed out that it was only £15 for both of us her reply was “well wouldn’t that cover someone meal”. The meal was £70 per head so it wouldn’t have even covered half. She shut up when I pointed that out. 

    Best thing to do is just ignore them otherwise you’ll have a stressed out 4 years 😊

    It’s not as bad as when I go to the cinema yet! I expect it to get worse before it gets better though. I think people would be better if I’d set a date or booked a venue, but I’m a worse case scenario kinda person so I’m not booking the venue until I know we have the money saved to afford it, because who knows what could happen in the next couple of years and the money might be needed for something else.

  • Michelle330Michelle330 Posts: 119
    Beth78 wrote (see post):

    I agree that they shouldn’t be saying anything, but I also would get very confused if someone told me they were saving for their wedding then in the next breath telling me how they were going on holiday! 

     

    I think you should stop saying that you are saving for a wedding, in reality you aren’t, you’re just Waiting to get married. 

     

     

    But I am saving for a wedding..... we have opened a joint saving account and we are putting a set amount of money into it each month towards the cost of the wedding.... That’s saving for a wedding........ It’s just we could afford to save more but choose to enjoy ourselves as well

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    The easiest way 2 stop people giving there opinions on how u choose 2 spend ur money is 2 stop telling them how u are spending ur money!

    If someone asks if u set a date yet, just say no - u don't have 2 explain urself

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,137 New bride

    I also find this annoying! We‘ll have been engaged just over two years when we get married. We could have afforded to do it sooner if we’d scrimped and saved but we discussed what we could comfortably afford to save each month without going without the odd little luxury and then worked out a timeline from there. We’re also getting married abroad so that had a part to play. We’ve been away several times since and are always out and about doing things because quite frankly being bored and skint isn’t fun when you have no choice about it, let alone when you do. My Mum and a few others have passed comments when we’ve been away or spoken about doing stuff like “Oh I thought you were saving for a wedding not spending all your money!”... my responses go from an eye roll “yes we are thanks!” or a sarcastic response along the lines of “yeah well i want a holiday now so people will have to eat gruel and like it!”. People will soon get bored of asking or commenting, it’s just because you’re newly engaged and they’re excited. Our family were all asking why we were waiting so long and now before you know it’s less than a year out and they’re all saying it’ll be here before they know it and flapping about hats! Tune out to external comments as much as you can!

  • Hullass1972Hullass1972 Posts: 547 New bride

    I usually find the following emojie works.........

    image

  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 975 New bride

    "Thought you were saving for the wedding?"

    "We are."  Firm smile.  Subject change.

     

    People will get bored with it and move on. Four years is a long time and most people have an attention span of about 4 minutes. They'll move on to someone/ something else.

  • That's sooo annoying!!!! I would be really annoyed too.

    I get annoyed with people ask "why" we are eloping - well technically we are not because we are telling everyone...

  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 975 New bride
    Beth78 wrote (see post):
    Michelle330 wrote (see post):
    Beth78 wrote (see post):

     

     

    i just meant that if you don’t tell people you are ‘saving‘ people won’t judge your spending anymore!

    The less people know about things that are none of their business, the better, right? A good rule to live by in general. 

  • stacey147stacey147 Posts: 108 New bride

    We aren’t cutting out holidays for the sake of our wedding day, just got back from 2 weeks in austria racing Ironman which in itself costs £500 to enter.

    Who cares it’s only money and it yours to spend how you want you work to earn it! 

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,280 New bride

    As far as you can just try and ignore people. 

    We are saving for the wedding but equally have no intention of living like church mice for 18 months  hence the date and budget decisions made.

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.

    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,601 New bride

    We also still holiday, have days out etc. You can still be saving without scrimping every penny. If we had to live in poverty for 2 or 3 years I wouldn't have the wedding, we'd just have a tiny registry office wedding and a meal out. 

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 270 New bride

    That's really weird, maybe they're just desperate to go to a wedding and want it to happen ASAP!

  • Michelle330Michelle330 Posts: 119
    RubyCat wrote (see post):

    That's really weird, maybe they're just desperate to go to a wedding and want it to happen ASAP!

    I really don’t know, part of me thinks it’s because the ones who are saying it are older and maybe it’s a generational thing and engagment tended to be short because people waited to be married to live together and were keen to start families soon, but we already live together and don’t want children so there’s no need to rush at all.

  • Michelle330Michelle330 Posts: 119
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):

    We also still holiday, have days out etc. You can still be saving without scrimping every penny. If we had to live in poverty for 2 or 3 years I wouldn't have the wedding, we'd just have a tiny registry office wedding and a meal out. 

    Exactl, if I had to scrimp every penny for a wedding, which is one day of my life I’d start to resent the weddin, but I’ve never been one of these girls who has dreamed of their wedding day. Yes I’m excited for it, but there are other things I want to experience too! Also my jobs pretty naff So 3 nights in wales will help me unwind just nicely 

  • Bumping this thread, but think it's hilarious how nosy people are! Same boat as you (except we have a date etc...) we just booked a holiday from sinagpore up into thailand etc... it's your money to do with what you like!!

  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 692 New bride

    Just adding my own rant!

    It amazes me how much weddings bring out the nosiness in people. I’ve also had people voicing their opinions about how I spend my money – both that I should be saving for the wedding, and also that I am spending too much on the wedding!

    I’m also getting people getting in my business about my diet (I’m a bride – I must be trying to lose weight, right?). I’ve even had colleagues tell me off for reaching for a biscuit at tea break because apparently I must ‘think of the dress’.

    The worst is people asking me if I’m planning to have children as soon as I get married. When, apart from if a wedding is involved, is it ok to get so personal about people’s time, finances, bodies, and general decisions, both life decisions and day-to-day?

    Do the grooms also get this, or is it just the brides?

  • God i feel this too! Whenever i get stressed about general life things, one particular person in my life always blames the wedding "dont you think if you scaled it back youd be happier" "youre putting so much pressure spending so much" and for what its worth, were having a ceremony with family and immediate friends only - about 70 people and its in a small barn with no more that 130 for the evening, so its by no means huge and up scale! 

    My FH came home the other day and told me how he'd had it from someone at work, about how hes only got 2 years to enjoy before the wedding and then hes "tied down". Bloody hate that. 

  • CoffeeDogAddict wrote (see post):

    My FH came home the other day and told me how he'd had it from someone at work, about how hes only got 2 years to enjoy before the wedding and then hes "tied down". Bloody hate that. 

    Ugh, yes!! I got that so much of that at work from a few male colleagues. I was so fed up that in the end I just said, "Don't transpose your disappointments with your own relationship onto me, darling." (said in a way which made it clear I was half-teasing. Seems to have done the trick as I haven't heard a peep since.) The key is to embarrass them enough that they clam up without your ever needing to tell them to.

  • WirfleWirfle Posts: 25 New bride
    Urgh! How annoying are some people. It's none of their business really. Tell them to bugger off.
  • Now Mrs PNow Mrs P Posts: 29 New bride
    We had people ask if we were having a very small wedding with a party ina pub a month later because we didn't want to have to spend lots of money on our wedding. Then when we said it was part of it, they said well it's your wedding day, people expect a big day, they will want to be there for the vows. They want a band. They want "proper" photos (we didn't have a photographer, something I was super happy about)

    So even if you're not spending lots, then people still feel it's ok to butt in!!
  • lush224lush224 Posts: 562 New bride
    You’re being sensible by saving and you shouldn’t have to stop living just because you are engaged. I’d find it difficult if people were making those comments to me! 
    My step son and fiancée booked their wedding and had the 5k balance due recently, a month before it was due to be paid they came to us to ask for a loan as they had only saved up 1k towards it. We’ve ended up giving them 3k as a wedding gift and that cleared out the few savings I’d built up over the last couple of years and a week later they booked their honeymoon as they’d managed to get the rest of the reception  paid by another family member. That made me cross as they’d booked a wedding without making any effort to save for it and then had it bank rolled by family, wish they’d been more like you and saved first. 
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