Are rings a feminist issue?

Okay, I admit it... I've been pondering again!



I've been thinking about rings. Now I love my ring, but I'm wondering why men don't have engagement rings? (I can imagine that J would look a bit silly with a big diamond, but how about some other idea of promising betrothal? Why is it just the woman who is 'marked'?)



The other thing is... J isn't keen on the idea of wearing a wedding ring, but I really want him to. Is this just society telling me that's what he should do? Or am I possessive in some way? Or insecure? Why does it seem important to me that he does it? I've been pondering that.



The best I could come up with is that it is an outward symbol of marriage, and I think I want him to be as happy about it as I am - I love wearing my engagement ring and I'm quite excited about the wedding ring too! But maybe I just want to 'belong' to someone? Maybe I've just been brainwashed about the whole ring-wearing thing?



The thing with J is, he doesn't wear any jewellery at all apart from a watch, so it would be weird for him to start wearing something. He was good and came and tried some on image but he said it seemed really weird to him to wear one. I can kind of see his point as I never wore a ring on my wedding finger so it took a while for me to get used to my engagement ring. The compromise we have come to so far is that he thinks I should get him a cheap ring (titanium or somesuch) for the wedding, and then if he ends up wearing it then I could get him a platinum one for our first anniversary or something. I think this is fair enough... at least he is willing to give it a go!



So my pondering questions are:

- Does your husband wear a ring / does your h2b intend to wear one?

- What are your feelings on the symbolism - would a feminist wear a ring, for example? Or insist that her husband wore one?

- If you know anywhere to get good 'cheap' (ie non-platinum or gold!) rings (I'm thinking titanium/palladium/etc) then please post your links and I'll take a look!
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  • EtherealBrideEtherealBride Posts: 1,418
    We're both having rings- h2b doesn't tend to wear jewellery but he's quite excited about having his ring made. I didn't have an engagement ring at all- I wouldn't wear two rings together so I couldn't see the point. He bought me a wooden elephant instead and I bought him an ukulele! I think it's quite unfair that the men are expected to shell out a fortune on a ring, yet we aren't. A lot of people seem quite confused that I didn't have an engagement ring and I'm sure it's the reason why we only got two -engagement' cards!
  • NaomeiNaomei Posts: 2,273
    Quoted:
    I'm sure it's the reason why we only got two -engagement' cards!


    Ha ha Binky! I think the reason we didn't get many engagement cards is that we didn't have a big announcement (I thought it was a bit weird) or a party. I'm sure if we'd done either of those (or announced it on Facebook! Which we still haven't done...) we would have received some cards. Or even some presents! Mwahahahaha!



    I have a feeling that J will come round... I'm not quite sure why I think this, but I think that is what he is like often... he just needs time to get used to the idea. I'm hoping he will, but if he doesn't, at least he will have one for the ceremony and to keep in a drawer somewhere! image
  • We got my blokes Tungsten ring from H Samuel for £74.99.



    It's a really tough metal. H2B loves it because "It's what darts are made of.".
  • SkipulaSkipula Posts: 1,763
    My h2b doesn't wear jewellery, doesn't want a ring and I'm fine with that. I already bought him a ukulele (a black flying V ukulele!) so what can I get him now? image
  • lrbpielrbpie Posts: 2,280
    Well... I'd call myself a feminist (or "equalist" as it's often called on here)... and yet I am going to wear a ring, and H2B is not.



    However, I will only have one ring and it will be of the "engagement" type i.e. diamonds. I am very happy to wear one of these because it looks pretty. I don't want to wear a wedding ring as well, because (in my eyes) it doesn't look pretty. H2B doesn't want to wear a ring because he doesn't like the look of jewellery on himself.



    So, we are both choosing to wear whatever we find aesthetically pleasing (or not).



    To me, it would only be a feminist issue if (a) someone was waering a ring when they didn't otherwise want to, simply because of "tradition" or "symbolism"... or (b) if anyone suggested that women should wear a ring and men shouldn't (why exactly would that be?)



    oh and I haven't got the ring yet... and I'm not too fussed about when we get it.



  • EtherealBrideEtherealBride Posts: 1,418
    Quoted:
    My h2b doesn't wear jewellery, doesn't want a ring and I'm fine with that. I already bought him a ukulele (a black flying V ukulele!) so what can I get him now? image


    Are we starting a new trend for engagement ukuleles here Skip?!image
  • NaomeiNaomei Posts: 2,273
    Sheesh! I obviously have got it wrong, and need to take him ukulele shopping! image
  • I had this conversation with my nan the other day, she asked me what H2B engagement ring was like, i said he didnt get one, and she said that was naughty of me, and that in her day the man got one too, and promptly shuffled off to show me the bits of his engagement signet ring .... (he had to have it cut off but she kept it) ... so maybe its just us girls getting lazy!



    We're both having rings.... if he refused so would I as i def' thinks its a bit of a 'stamp' ... in fact i probably would be happy with no ring, as getting married already makes me feel like a proper grown up lol!!!!
  • mrsj36mrsj36 Posts: 2,340
    http://www.quality-titanium.co.uk/acatalog/Titanium-Band-Rings.html#aT202ST



    Sorry no time to properly reply but M did the same thing - he didn't really want a ring but I presuaded him to spend £35 on a titanium one and 4 months later he feels bare without it and loves it! It did take a few months for him to stop fiddling with it though and it hurt to type at first alledgedly



    He got the Titanium Flat Brushed Band Ring (it's manly as it's made of what a cockpit of some aeroplane is made of so that's good apparently!!)x

  • NaomeiNaomei Posts: 2,273
    Ooh I was hoping you'd come on here (I know, I could have just emailed you but where's the fun in that?!). Thanks for the link - J was saying he would like a titanium one so I'll check them out! Plus I kept telling him that MrsJuice's husband had one! image
  • gindigindi Posts: 1,369
    My dad didn't have an engagement ring but M's dad did. Although M's parents split when he was about 13 his dad wore that signet ring until he died (on the right hand) although he removed the wedding ring! M wears his dad's ring now, also on the right hand. He will be gettig a ring and is really excited about it - and the feeling I got when we were tring wedding rings on was so wonderful!I just loved seeing him with a ring on and thinking how it would soon be obvious that we belonged together, without having to ay a word (and I think that's how I see it from my feminist viewpoint - it's us belonging together, not either of us belonging TO the other... semantics but important!)



    But I think it depends if the guy wants to wear jewellery, as has been discussed. My friend's husband hasn't worn a ring at all and they've been married 6 years (I think he borrowed one when they got married, which I find a bit odd!) - she bought him a Rolex for their last anniversary so it's his 'wedding watch.'
  • WitchyAnneWitchyAnne Posts: 849
    In Germany men do have engagement rings. (Most the time, anyway)
  • SkipulaSkipula Posts: 1,763
    Quoted:
    Quoted:
    My h2b doesn't wear jewellery, doesn't want a ring and I'm fine with that. I already bought him a ukulele (a black flying V ukulele!) so what can I get him now? image


    Are we starting a new trend for engagement ukuleles here Skip?!image


    In the future grooms will be call unconventional if they don't want an engagement ukulele or a flowery wedding shirt image
  • peachpieukpeachpieuk Posts: 4,813
    Hi Nao cat



    I think that in Italian culture, men sometimes wear engagement rings - or they receive them anyway!



    Both my brother and my dad had engagement rings, but neither wear them though. I think they had them because it was the 'right thing to do', whatever that is...



  • DustyMothDustyMoth Posts: 1,528
    Dave has an engagement toering image it's platinum, and he wears it on his engagement toe!!!



    We got it from a place on the internet that I can't remember off the top of my head but will dig out the link for you - they were very helpful when the first one they sent didn't fit.



    My dad didn't wear his wedding ring for years - mum's fingers swelled up when she got pregnant with me, and dad couldn't wear his at work (he was doing something engineer-y at the time and kept getting rashes from all the goo under it) so mum wore dad's. Recently, Dad had mum's ring re-sized and has started wearing it after spending the last 10 odd years wearing a signet ring on his wedding finger. He loves it, and is very excited by it, which I think is very cute of my dad image



  • Nieuk1Nieuk1 Posts: 10
    I proposed (it being a Leap Year and all) so my man got a ring. I couldn't get him a ukele because I got him one for his birthday - baby pink flying v! image
  • SkipulaSkipula Posts: 1,763
    Nie - I want the whole set of coloured flying V ukuleles so I can have them going up the wall like flying ducks image
  • jeskiukjeskiuk Posts: 2,051
    I got my h2b an engagement ring. Its one of those cut out celtic design ones, and I had to get it made because of his fat fingers. then I did propose to him, and he probably would have liked a eukelele....
  • termaganttermagant Posts: 120
    It is custom where I'm from for the man to get an engagement watch where the woman gets the ring. I think that's really sweet, but my H2B doesn't wear any jewellery at all so didn't want one.



    He is planning on wearing a wedding ring though, which pleases me.
  • gindigindi Posts: 1,369
    Ukeleles are obviously the way to go!! I think I might have to get M one as a wedding present, just so he doesn't feel left out if he ever meets any of the weird husbands... image
  • Leeds28Leeds28 Posts: 136
    I've not got an engagement ring either! Hooray - i thought i was the only one to get 'the look' when it was mentioned. H2B point blank refuses to get a wedding ring just as i point blank refuse to change my name so we're equal!



    You ladies who bought ukeleles must have the patience of saints. I can't bear the noise of them (second only in horror to bagpipes IMHO). I'm hoping that H2B's ukelele will unfortunately get hideously disfigured and battered in the process of moving house... evil I know.....
  • jemmajemjemmajem Posts: 1,439
    Mr Jem always thought that a man got one anyway, but we didn't really ever get round to getting him one. Because he's a chef he's got to be careful with what jewellery he wears, hygeine rules etc, so instead of the super lovely black titanium we were planning on getting we got him a cheap one from the market with a funky gothic design that he wears when he can but doesn't feel bad if it sits in a drawer for weeks!



    He is going to wear a wedding ring, a 9ct gold one so that it'll stand up to the wear and tear of the kitchen, and is really looking forward to having it. Despite being an equalist I think I would have been quite upset if he hadn't wanted to wear one. I'm not hugely into jewellery myself, but love the symbolism of the rings, and the idea of having something that symbolises to the world the never-ending love I have for him. So if he hadn't wanted to wear one I would have felt like he was hiding the love I know he has for me.



    I won't tell him about the ukeleles though, he might get jealous if he finds out he could have a black flying v!!
  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,507
    I daren't show my partner this thread, he'd want a ukelele! He got me my engagement ring for my birhtday but for my birthday last year he bought me my Celtic harp. If he thought it was the fashion to get a ukelele from one's new fianc????e, he would demand one and remind me that he bought me my harp!!



    With regard to rings for men, titanium & tungsten are supposed to be popular and "manly" but they're not particularly cheap. If you shop around, you can find traditional yellow gold cheaper. Tungsten is very hard-wearing & scratch proof but since it's not a precious metal (nor is titanium) it's not hall-marked. Palladium is NOT cheap, it's a sister metal of platinum and very similar, just not quite as hard. I think silver is nice for anyone wanting a lower-costing wedding ring - it's very reasonably-priced and is still a precious metal.



    H2B & I are going for yellow gold for our wedding rings. (Guess I'm just old-fashioned & traditional) I'm keen for him to wear one. He's happy to do so but says he could live without a wedding ring!



    Bambagirl x
  • nikolinauknikolinauk Posts: 687
    Sidestepping away from the feminist issue as it's too late for my brain to communicate to my fingers properly, however Bert wants a signet ring but I want him to have a slightly more standard gold band. and I guess it is the symbolism of a 'band' being a wedding ring and whether a signet ring would detract from that, that is leaving this unresolved.



    His dad has a signet ring as his wedding ring, so I guess in Bert's mind this is a weding ring and that is the symbolism of it for him - arghh I'm not sure why I'm being such a stick in the mud about it.



    A few have mentioned cignet rings as a man's engagement ring - do you know if this was once a common thing?



  • EtherealBrideEtherealBride Posts: 1,418
    Here is h2b's engagement ukulele:




    Not a flying v, unfortunately. He wanted the spongebob one, but I wouldn't buy it for him. Aren't I mean?! image
  • SkipulaSkipula Posts: 1,763
    Oh Binky, he's cute! How could you deny him this








    It's on sale so you've no excuse image
  • EtherealBrideEtherealBride Posts: 1,418
    Yup, that's the one! I just thought we needed something a bit more....solemn for an engagement present. There are 6 guitar-like instruments in the room I'm in at the moment, an organ and 4 mouth organs. He's like a one man band and he really doesn't need any more! (May have to treat him for Christmas though!)
  • SkipulaSkipula Posts: 1,763
    Tell me about it! Mine has 3 guitars, countless keyboards, two recording consoles, computer software and percussion a go-go! He's wanted bongos for years but, somehow, I've never managed to buy them ;\)
  • Lilith1980Lilith1980 Posts: 1,227
    When we got engaged I got H2B an engagement ring - it was a "band" but not a wedding band and didnt cost half as much as my engagement ring.



    My H2B isnt into wearing jewellery either but he really likes wearing his engagement ring and cant wait to get the wedding ring on.



    I know that my Dad never wore a wedding ring because he didnt like jewellery but not sure if men are more "into" wearing rings now? Or maybe they feel the pressure to?



    I would have been a bit sad if H2B hadnt wanted to have one but I wouldnt have forced him.



    xxxxx
  • nickkipnickkip Posts: 686
    "I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit."



    To me, its certainly not about being 'marked', but instead its the 4th ring to go on my fingers that represent a very (most) important stage in my life that I wish to celebrate. I have two plat rings on my right hand that are constant reminders of specific memories, I simply see my wedding ring and e-ring as reminders of the 2 eras of my life that I celebrate with H2B.



    He has an engagement watch, I knew our engagement was coming and thought it unfair that he didn't have anything to mark it with so toddled off down to the jewellers! It really suits him if I say so myself lol and every time he takes my hand or passes me something and I catch sight of it, I'm whisked back to those moments when he asked me to do him the honour of being his wife and as I flip back to the here and now, realise how much of an honour it really is.

    [Modified by: lilelf on August 20, 2008 07:47 AM]

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