More bridesmaid trouble - UPDATE

After falling out with one bridesmaid (stayed at our house, was rude to my friends, didn't contribute anything and never said thanks) I'm having problems with another! Feel like it's me!!! :/

Basically it's my soon to be brother-in-law's girlfriend. They used to live near us and we always got on so well although she occasionally got into a few unexplained moods where she ignored me for a few weeks but then seemed to snap out of it. I'm having H2Bs sister as a bridesmaid (seen as she is the reason I met my H2B) and as a gesture of goodwill (and the fact I liked the girl) I asked BIL's girlfriend. All was going well until we went to Turkey to check out the wedding venue and made a holiday of it with H2B's parents and his brother and this girl. They had all been there the year before (we couldn't make it that time) and as soon as we said we loved the place and wanted to get married there she started sulking. It almost ruined the holiday when she ignored us both for 3 days running and eventually I asked her what was wrong and she said that she was jealous we were getting married before her because they'd been together longer and that she was jealous we were getting married in Turkey because she felt it was 'her' special place (?!?). We talked a bit and she seemed ok and said she would try and get into the spirit of it.

Anyhoo, ever since we got back she's stopped e-mailing me, she dropped out of the bookclub we were both in and if I send her a mail I get snippy replies. It's hard to describe what she's like but she loves being the centre of attention and at our engagement party in June she had a face like a smacked bottom. She then sent me a really long e-mail of exactly what she wants her wedding to be like (which I took to mean 'so don't copy any of it' because i hadn't actually asked) - the fact she's not even engaged yet is a bit of an issue....

She has now decided (I heard from BIL to be) that she isn't going to catch the flight with everyone else to the venue but she's going to get a train from London and inter rail to the venue arriving 3 days later (having missed the hen do and the big welcome dinner).

She's supposed to be my bridesmaid but right now I'm so mad with her she's the last person I want. I just don't know what there is to do about it. I'm really worried she's going to sulk the whole week and really put a downer over everything.

Please tell me if I'm being silly I won't be offended I'm not the type image


[Modified by: Munchkin30 on 21 August 2008 21:37:59 ]


  • nikolinauknikolinauk Posts: 687
    I think you're quite justified to be feeling miffed as she is being unreasonable. Though I guess from her side she is just really jealous and wants to be in the same place you are now.

    I think her 'going inter-railing' before your wedding is a bit of a threat to you BIL2b.

    Aside from getting him to propose, I think you need to sit down with her and talk all this through and hopefully get her smiling and interested in your wedding rather than her lack of one.
  • tsarinauktsarinauk Posts: 863 New bride
    I feel a bit sorry for her. she obviously has a lot of hopes and dreams for her own big day and the fact that you're the one fulfilling her idea of a dream wedding must seem like a slap in the face to her. (I remember feeling so unloved when my peers were being proposed to and i wasn't- it makes you feel so worthless when you don't know if you'll ever be asked)

    It's not your fault, and it's immature of her to sulk and take it out on you, but I think you need to make little allowances. Will it really be so bad if she misses the hen do and the welcome dinner? will she be attending dress fittings and the wedding rehearsal? as Nikolina says this interrailing lark is obviously a dig at her boyfriend so maybe you should let that one go and concentrate on getting her involved in other aspects of your day. If she is then sulky or uncooperative about outfits etc, maybe then it is time to have a proper chat with her!

    hope that helps,

  • CeleryukCeleryuk Posts: 3,640
    well at least she was very honest and told you she was jealous. Maybe in her head she had already planned her wedding at the same place as yours and had the whole scenario ready and can't help feeling disappointed that she probably won't have it. Although yes it is a bit unreasonable from her it might be hard for her to forget about the dream she had.

    The only thing I can suggest really is to leave her for a while, don't contact her. The inter rail thing is a cry for attention, nothing else, I really doubt she will go backpacking on her own. Try to ignore her for a bit and see in a month or two. When are you getting married?

    I saw the pics of the venue, it is very charming and romantic!


    [Modified by: Celery on August 20, 2008 08:21 PM]

  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    Thanks girlies. Yes I think I will let this one simmer for a while. We aren't getting married until June 09 so there's plenty of time.

    Unfortunately she lives up North and I'm down South so there aren't any chances she can fully be involved.

    I think I need to let my own temper simmer too. Half of me feels sorry for her but then I think 'it's not my fault I'm getting married and she's not, should I postpone my wedding until she's been proposed too' but then I feel ashamed for thinking that.

    The thing is, as I pointed out to her, I'm 32 and she's only 24 and relationships sometimes go at a different speed when you are older (cos you are running out of time)!
  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    Thanks celery for the comments about the venue - nobody posted so I was getting paranoidimage
  • PikelettePikelette Posts: 1,096
    I think she's currently living in Disneyland, I'm afraid and I'm very admiring of your tolerance! However she does have nearly a year in which to grow up a little and recognise that much as she'd love to get married, she doesn't actually have the monopoly on it!
  • p1nk18p1nk18 Posts: 66
    Munchkin I totally understand where you are coming from. My bf is one of my three bridesmaid and she is always having bloke trouble and because of that I feel like i can never mention my bog day! I wish people would just be happy for us instead of trying to spoli il! When I got engaged I went to see my brother and his gf, who have been going out a few months longer than I and hubby to be! They didn'y say a word about my ring (and believe me you can't miss it) so i had to say oh yeah, i forgot to show you my ring!!!
  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    mrskhan09 - very similar thing to me. The other bridesmaid I have fallen out with (I'll have no mates left at this rate lol) never asked to see my ring. I wasn't allowed to talk about the wedding either because she had big man problems and everytime I mentioned it she said 'that's right rub my nose in it'.....!!!

    What did they say after you said 'oh yeah, I forgot to show you my ring'?
  • p1nk18p1nk18 Posts: 66
    I know it is so akward because you ask these people to be bridesmaids so they can HELP you with weddinging stuff and give you advice! I asked my friend to come to my house this weekend to have a look at my dress and have a girly chat (she hasnt since my flat - lived here 2 yrs or my dress - had that since may) and she said oh id prefer to go to manchester (to see guy shes known one month)!!

    I showed them my ring and they were like ohh lovely, but as a girl, you know as soon as you hear someone getting engaged you want to see their pretty ring. Think maybe they were upset they didnt get engaged before us, but who cares, it isnt a race!!
  • p1nk18p1nk18 Posts: 66
    Oh and is it just me, or when you HAVE to show somebody your ring, do you feel like you're really full of yourself & a bit like an idiot for having to point it out?
  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    I know - I eventually gave up and said 'oh I forgot to show you my ring' but then I felt such a chump for having to point it out.
  • Lula_sweetpeaLula_sweetpea Posts: 1,401
    How annoying for you munchkin- I love pikelet's advice!

    Maybe if she is still being off with you by christmas, say, then I would ask her if she does waant to be a bridesmaid. Obviously in a diplomatic and tactful way. Phrase it as if you feel like you are inconveniancing her and would like to do what's best for her! Kill'em with kindness!

    Your wedding sounds wonderful, at least you won't be worrying about the weather, like the rest of us!
  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    The Christmas thing is a good idea because we are travelling up North to stay with H2B's parents and since brother in law and this girl live with them then I will be able to judge it from what she's like then.

    As for the weather knowing my luck it'll be the rain day of the year it rains! Oh well - we'll just have to get wet image
  • tuppenceuktuppenceuk Posts: 5,346
    It does sound to me as though she's very jealous, and can't really come to terms with the fact that you seem to be getting everything that she wants - not your fault, but I can see why she's behaving badly. It could also be that she's afraid of what she might say around you if it's upset her that much - or that it's easier for her to deal with it if she doesn't have to deal with it (if you get what I mean).

    Know how you feel though - I'm having problems at the mo with one bm - she hasn't replied to me for ages about sorting out dress measuring and fitting, and buying shoes, etc. Now her dad's very ill - which is completely fair enough - what does my wedding matter in relation to that (said genuinely, not sarcastically, since there's no tone of voice). Except she didn't reply to me for ages before he got ill, and I'm running out of time.

    I'm toying with the idea of kind of unasking her, in a 'you have enough to worry about with your dad' way (which is true), or just keeping her as bm, and having all the stuff ready, but leaving it up to her whether she wants to or not.

    As to rings, I'm not earing mine at the moment as I'm working all the time (today is first day off in month and a half), and I can't wear it when sewing anyhow. But yes, when I am wearing it and I feel like I have to show the ring I feel ridiculous.
  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    Still not heard from her - brother in law to be is visiting us this weekend as a last minute thing and she's not coming which seems very strange as they are normally joined at the hip. It appears she's going to stay with his parents for the weekend which is strange considering she's not overly keen on them. BILTB said that they 'need some space' - oh dear...
  • DustyMothDustyMoth Posts: 1,528
    Oh dear indeed - I think that kind of explains part of your problem!

    Hope it all comes out right in the wash one way or another xx
  • 007Aims007Aims Posts: 124
    Doesn't sound like BIL2B and this girl have the greatest of relationships anyway - with any luck, they'll split up and you won't have to have her as your BM!!!!
  • dippy_moo86dippy_moo86 Posts: 1,862
    i have similar problems with my bm which just happend to be my future SIL! however she got engaged to a bloke she had been with 2 weeks and moved her wedding forward so she could get married before us! 7 months on she is getting a divorce (well waiting for one) and so we cant talk about our wedding because the whole family are focused on her divorce before they were all focused on her wedding, she loves being center of attention so whenever the wedding is mention she buts in with something about herself so we have just given in, she hasnt helped us with anything at all and when she went with me for me to try my dress on for the first time she kept saying how stupid people were for getting married nowadays - which is obviously what you want to here when trying on your wedding dress. She was even so coniving as to say she was having the dress i had always wanted so when i got another she said she didnt want it anymore! I was gutted so have since bought the dress i originally wanted which has really peed her off! Im passed caring now atleast i have nothing to thank hr for!
  • mpikey30mpikey30 Posts: 1,149
    Oh dear kaylzy-moo she sounds like a nightmare - do her parents know she is doing all these things??
  • dippy_moo86dippy_moo86 Posts: 1,862
    Yeah they are fully awayre but make hre worse as they pander to her every need she is 27! So they make her worse really she acts like a spoilt child and that she can't do anything for herself, its pathetic really. She will do anything for attention she couldnt stand the man she married but she couldnt stand not being married before us, she was even going to have a baby with him so she could have one first ( we have been trying for 3 yrs) even though he didnt want kids, its silly
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