Thinking of Cancelling our wedding - Urgent Advice Needed!!!

Girls, I need some much needed advice. H2B and I are due to get married in May, this year. However, there's been a few problems in the last few months. I always knew that he enjoyed a beer or two but in the last 12 months it's got out of hand. Don't get me wrong he doesn't get nasty but i've started to worry, a lot. Infact, we went to the doctors last week and he finally admitted he had a big problem. He had a really bad time when growing up and his father has had a drink problem. I still love him to bits and he's been referred for councelling. Do you think we should still go ahead with the wedding?



Also, 20 people have already booked to come with us to Greece and the thought of telling everyone that it's off fills me with dread. I do want to marry him but I don't know what to do for the best. He says he loves me and still wants us to get married.



Any advice?



Claire x

Posts

  • Hi Claire



    Wow this is a hard one. First of all i think you need to take the 20 people out of the equasion because you should only be thinking about you and your H2B right at this moment in time they can still go they dont have to not go just because you are not getting married.



    it sounds like you have spoken to your H2b about this as you said he still loves you and wants to marry you which is a really good sign. Do you think by not marrying him at this moment in time it will help him in anyway? what are your reasons for not getting married in may? (sorry dont mean to pry that is your business!)



    By not marrying in May would you just postpone it or call it off completely?



    big hugs



    Vicky
  • Oh gosh Claire, you and your h2b are having a rough time of it lately but the best thing for him is that he's admitted it. And that its out in the open and getting counselling.



    No one can tell you the right thing to do but if you love him and want to help and support him, there is no reason why you can't get married in May. I think you just have to do what you think is right. I can imagine your horror at having to tell the family if you wanted to cancel. I guess that would also mean explaining why, which would also be really hard.



    As long as you and your H2b have talked all this out and you're both sure about whats best for you both, then Im sure you'll start to feel better.



    Sorry i can't offer more help. I hope things start to work out for you.



  • bellaukbellauk Posts: 357
    Thanks for your reply, Vicky. You know what, something inside me thinks that not getting married and postponing it, would be the most sensible thing to do. I thought that if we got help first and address the problem then we could get married in a few years. I don't know. I'm so confused. To be honest, whether we're married or not, we still have to get through this together. I know I shouldn't be thinking about the other people who have booked but I can't help it and feel that we would be letting alot of people down.



  • Hi Claire



    I totally feel for you. I can understand about you not wanting to let your guests down i would be the same.



    I agree with winterbrides comments and your comment about you would still have to get through this together is really true and you know what getting married might actually help you both to get through this tough time and it might also help your partner have something to focus on apart from what else is happening.



    Are you going to go to the councelling with your partner? I went to counceling (for different reasons) but my H2b went with me and it also helped me to open up to him and he found it really helped him to understand what i was going through and I felt it made us even stronger and closer (if that was possible)



    Vicky ;\)

  • bellaukbellauk Posts: 357
    Hi Vicky. I want to go with him but he says he feels ashamed and wants to deal with the problem himself. I'm really upset about this as I thought we should go through things together and I want to help, if I can. He's says he's let me down and he thinks I won't be able to deal with this. The problem is affecting us alot at the moment and we're not even sleeping in the same room at the moment. It's getting quite desperate. His appointment isn't until the 2nd week in Feb so I don't know what's going to happen. I just hope we can get through this!!!!!



    Thanks for your words of advice. It's much appreciated.



    claire x



  • Hi Claire,



    You have my heartfelt sympathy. You must feel under enormous pressure at the moment. The only thing I would say is that my father is an alcoholic but won't admit to it. Having spoken to a doctor about it myself, that is the first step. The fact that your h2b has taken that step is a great start.



    You could postpone perhaps and then the people who haven't already booked won't lose their money. Only the two of you can make that decision.



    Best of luck and lots of hugs xx
  • Hi Claire



    I guess only he knows how he is going to feel and maybe after a couple of counsiling sessions he will feel ready to maybe let you go along.



    I agree it would help you to help him if you could go but i guess at this moment in time extra pressure on him is not good.



    I am sure you will get through this but maybe you are right about postponing the wedding until things have sorted themselves out a bit not just for him but for you as there seems to be so much uncertainty.



    Im sure your guests and family will be supportive about this.



    Any time re the advise sometimes it just helps to speak to people who aren't directly involved.



    I have asked to be notified of responses so if you ever want a chat just reply.



    Chin up bug hugs



    Vicky x
  • becktorrbecktorr Posts: 711
    Hi! if i were in your situation i would think about only cancelling your ceremony but still going to greece with your family, it would give your h2b and you something to look forward to and then you don't have the added worry or guilt about prople losing their deposits etc.

    Then you can just have a simple ceremony when you and h2b have sorted things through.

    My heart goes out to you both, let us know what you decide to do.

    love becks. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Dear Claire, I am sorry for what you are going through, but I am a bit confused my self when I read your e mail.



    You say that your htb just admitted having a drinking problem, but he does't get nasty(des that mean it's not too bad?).



    Also that you always knew he enjoyed a beer or 2.(so you knew when you met he liked drinking)



    That he had a bad time growing up and father had drinking problem(I suppose you knew that too??)



    But you also say you still love him to bits.



    If you really love him to bits don't you think you should get married as planned and face this problem together as husband and wife?



    Wouldn t it be worst for him if you postponed the wedding, wouldn t it make him feel more insecure and low?



    Just so you know it happened to me too to feel a bit scared a few months before I got married, to think is he going to be the right person for me etc?



    You need to listen to your heart.



    If you love him and you enjoy your time when with him then you should marry him. what's the point of postponing?



    I would feel betrayed if my partner would want to postpone our wedding at the first difficulty, as there will be many more in the future and how can I rely on him if he leaves me at teh first?



    Elisa





  • bellaukbellauk Posts: 357
    Thanks for all your e-mails. Firstly, I didn't know about his dad until a few months ago as he doesn't live in this country (H2b's mum & dad are divorced). Secondly yes he doesn't get violent but he can get quite verbal. I did know he liked a drink when I first met him but it's gone more frequently than every before. Alot more!! My concerns were that when he starts he can't stop. On Friday night, for example I found a bottle of vodka under the settee. He goes for drinks after work (every night). It's the lying to me about the drinking that upsets and worries me. He turns into a different person when he's had a few and that's what I don't like. He gets paranoid and argumentive (thats not the right way to spell it but hey!) I really want to marry him and you're right, what sort of person would I be if I went running at the first sign of a problem.



    Anyway, this morning, I went into work late and H2B and I had a really good chat. He still wants to get married and I told him of my worries for him. He said that there were a number of factors involved, yes he loved drinking. It blocked away thoughts, mainly his job. He HATES it. Hopefully, I know it will take time, but I think we can work this out. I do love him to bits. I just want to help him in any way that I can but I don't know how to.



    Anyway thanks girls, you've made a lot of sense. It was that none of my family know about this problem so I needed to get advice from people who don't know us.



    Lots of love to you all



    Claire x
  • Hi Claire



    Hope it all works out for you!!



    Vicky x image
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