Invites and my mother

So my other half and I are getting married next August in santorini. We are just ordering our santorini invites. 

My mother has been lovely and supportive but she's...overbearing. I'm her only daughter and I get that she and my Dad are really excited I'm getting married and want to be involved. They are paying for the food in Santorini and the UK reception  (buffet style not a sit down) and my dress and I am massively grateful. However I feel that because of this I can't say no to her when it comes to input on my wedding. 

I stupidly played her the song we were considering for a first dance (I know we have loads of time but we heard it and thought it was nice) and she was all "oh you can't possibly have that" and now we can't because if we chose it I'd know that she didn't like it and that's all I'd be thinking about.

Anyway, the invites. We picked and ordered our Santorini invites ourselves and I deliberately didn't ask for her input until we got the proofs which was today. The wording we have chosen is along the lines of me and my other half invite such and such to celebrate our wedding". I didn't do together with their parents because my fiancés parents are both sadly deceased and to put that my parents invited people I felt was a bit too traditional (it brought to mind country house American weddings planned by the parents for some reason) and my mum is a bit bummed out by this. 

I emailed her the proofs to check for spelling errors etc and she replied and said that they'd like it if the UK reception invites could be from them as she felt that people would think my parents weren't bothered about me getting married if we sent it from us and then said "i understand if you want it to be from you" which is a loaded statement coming from her. 

So my question is do I just say yes and when it comes to our evening invites let it be from them or do I stick to my guns? To stick to my guns would invite more hassle but to say yes feels a bit like giving in and if I say yes on this what else do I have to say yes to? 

We arent massively bothered about having a grand traditional wedding and wanted it to be stress free but I think mum has other ideas!!

Posts

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 4,014 New bride

    If that's how you want your invites, stick to your guns. She might be a bit miffed first of all, but it sounds like she will quickly move on to complaining about something else and forget about it! I'm also really not a fan of invites coming from the parents, as I feel it's very formal and old fashioned. It makes me think of the days when the bride's parents would plan the whole wedding and invite whoever they wanted, and the bride would just turn up on the day!

    It sounds like you have already wised up about showing her your choices before the wedding- maybe it's time to stop showing her things like the proofs as well, and just order/buy without consulting her, by which time it's too late for her to object!

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    I think you need to explain why you want them to come from you and that you are being sensitive to your hubby's situation. I am sure she would understand that. My friend had her wedding invites from the couple for the same reason, sadly she had lost her parents while she was at uni.

    It is traditional that the bride's parents are the 'hosts' so should be mentioned, but in this situation perhaps there is some room for something else.

    The other option another of my friends did was to have the 'together with their parents' wording and then listed their parents names. Her mother had died many years before and so they put a little Christian cross next to her name to indicate that she was sadly deceased. It allowed them to include both sets while acknowledging that her mother wouldn't be there.

  • LittlespiceLittlespice Posts: 665

    This is tricky! I think that contributing shouldn't come with conditions but I also can sort of see where your mum is coming from. I always understood the wording of who the invitation is from the traditionally be about who is paying (hence why traditional to have the bride's parents). That's old fashioned and not what you want and it is your wedding not your mums.

    however given she is paying for the UK reception, would a fair compromise be that she isn't on the santorini ones but is on the UK ones? Would that upset your fiancé? If not I personally don't think it's an unreasonable thing for her to want because technically she is hosting/paying, but ultimately if you're not comfortable with it you have to put your foot down. she hasn't bought the right to take over your wedding!

    these things are always so awkward - good luck!

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    This is something h2b and I have discussing. He really doesn't care but I am traditional and would like the invite to be along the lines of "Mr Father of the bride and Mrs Mother of the bride invite you to the wedding of their daughter, Bride, to Groom, son of Father of the Groom and..."

    This where I get stuck. H2b mum passed away a few years ago. I don't want to upset anyone and nor do I want to insult future father in laws new wife, (they get married February 2017). 

    I like the idea of the Christian cross but h2b is not religious and neither are any of his family. 

    I think my parents will be disappointed if I don't follow the traditional path, mum more than dad. 

     

  • @Littlespice - they are not paying for the UK reception - just the food. Because I didn't want food (it's just a party) and reluctantly agreed to canapes which my fiance then decided he didnt like (no idea why) so my mum said they would pay for the food if I would agree to have a buffet. We are paying for everything else.

    @Sammykate - that is how I feel about it, it just doesn't fit in with how I feel about our wedding at all. Our engagement party invites were sent from my parents and they will be toasted at both our ceremony and reception so I feel we have everything covered.

    @MrsTwizbe - I don't really like the thought of putting his parents name on with a cross, i think that would upset him and I don't think it is something he would like. We are planning to light a candle for the duration of both ceremony and reception though with a little poem acknowledging the people who should be here but arent (his parents and my Grandma) which he liked the idea of.

    @FutureMrsthomas - could you put together with their families instead? Would that cover it without specifically mentioning your H2B's mum?

    We thought about together with their families but my other half doesn't even have much family, his best friends are his family. He has a few relatives in Canada who are invited but they are not involved in the wedding whatsoever and his brother well...don't get me started! haha

  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    Are you mentioning that food is provided at any point in the invite? For example if you were planning on saying "A hot and cold buffet will be provided, vegetarian options available" you could say "The mother of the bride invites you to enjoy the hot and cold buffet provided, vegetarian options available" ? That way she is inviting them to eat which is a "hosting" thing so she'll feel its obvious she cares, her name is attached to what she has actually paid for, nothing more or less, so it's fair, and you can leave the main "Holly and OH invite you to attend...." bit exactly how you want it.

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