Wedding in Las Vegas - upsetting my mother

Hi all,

I have never been one for the big 'look at me' weddings. I don't have money going spare, i have a mortgage. Our family Friend got married at a wonderful stately home 4 years ago and ever since then i have said i want to get married in Las Vegas. I have now found a lovely guy and we are getting married in las vegas in four weeks!

The issue is my mother, literally everyone else i know have said i am doing the right thing, doing what i want, being sensible. But my mother has constantly blocked the discussions of weddings since i booked it in march. Her and my dad have given us some money which we are very, very grateful for but she has been so upset and so not interested that there is the wierd void in conversations. Every other conversation is fine - she just shuts down when i talk about weddings. I think this comes from my elder sister who has never got married (so perhaps i am my mums only chance to be mother of the bride) and the fact my cousin, got married in a massive expensive do in May. Which means my mums sister has done nothing but wedding talk for two years and my mum cannot do the same.

mum cannot come to my dress fittings as she works and couldnt get there in time. She just is so un-interested and feels 'hurt' that i didnt come to her to discuss it - even though i have been saying for 4 years its what i want. And i couldn't afford to get married in this country.

Today she has told me she has booked herself a holiday to Spain that week i am in Las Vegas as she 'didnt want to be at work and didnt what her colleagues to know her daughter is getting married and not inviting her'

I realise in 4 weeks this will all be over as i will be on a plane. But i feel the emotional damage done to my mum, for an extortionate day i cannot afford, that i dont want - will last forever.

I really dont know how to make my mum forgive me - for doing what i want on my wedding day.

it is just me and my guy going to vegas. We dont want a do after as there is only three weekends until Christmas, and his mothers birthday so there really isnt time and plus we dont want one.

any advice? thanks

Posts

  • MrsStobe4MrsStobe4 Posts: 282

    This was something we considered but ultimately changer our mind because I really wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle and he wouldn't be able to do a flight of that length. 

    I appreciate you doing what you want how you want, but why are you opposed to your parents going with you? It shouldn't impact on your cost and you'll still get your low key wedding.

    Alternatively weddings in Vegas can now be broadcast over the Internet, maybe your mum could watch it that way?

  • Completely up to you how you do your wedding so you're entitled to have it in Vegas and not invite your mother. I have to say I would be heartbroken not to be invited to an immediate family member's wedding, especially a child. I get that you didn't want a big wedding and wanted to go to Vegas but am not sure why she wasn't invited.

    Unless there is some issue between you, then I understand your mother's disappointment and I think you have to own that the decision you made has been devastating for your mother and you must have known that when you made the decision not to invite her. You are allowed to be selfish about your wedding if you want but you have to accept the consequences. My only suggestion is not to blame your mother for how she is feeling and to try to see what you can do to put it right. If it would matter to her to have a UK party, would that be something you could consider? Or maybe go on a weekend away with her to show her that she is important to you? Or - and this may be a stupid question - is it too late to invite her?

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 4,014 New bride

    On one hand I think its totally reasonable what you're doing- just the two of you. If you invited your parents then you'd have to invite his, then its mean to not invite siblings, and what about best friends and cousins? Before you know it you have a full blown wedding. So if thats not what you wanted then I can see why you haven't invited them.

    But then on the other hand I feel so sorry for your mum- no mother wants to miss their own daughters wedding. My own mum would be heartbroken if I tried this- I don't think I could do it to her.

  • Nic17Nic17 Posts: 80

    It's your big day and completely your choice how you want to spend it, if that is what you have always wanted to do it's great you're not just going along with a traditional big wedding to keep everyone happy. You should however understand that your decision is bound to upset your mum, as a parent not seeing your daughter get married must be very sad and she probably feels she can't contribute anything to a wedding that she can't be a part of. What about organising a meal on your return with just very close family members, although you have said you don't want a party I do think it would be nice to have some kind of wedding get together. 

     

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    Gosh this is a tough one.

    Of course it is your choice entirely and everyone is entitled to plan the kind of wedding they want.  And you've been saying you want this for 4 years, so it isn't a surprise.  Weddings abroad can be so beautiful and good value too with a honeymoon venue built in!

    However, for what it's worth, I'm a mum and my son got married abroad where he was living with his girlfriend with very short notice and to keep it simple and low key, which is what they wanted, I wasn't invited. Nor were the brides parents - no relatives, just a couple of local friends.

    I am so pleased he has got married to his lovely wife, and the most important thing is they did it 'their way' and that they are happy ... but I still feel incredibly sad that I didn't see my boy get married.  It isn't that I wanted a 'big hat' or to be 'the mother of the groom' - nothing to do with the 'trappings' of a wedding.  It's just he's my first child, my baby, and I never thought I'd not be at his wedding.

    It didn't help that at my work, a colleague's son was getting married and we've had stories of the planning, wedding photos, bridemaid dress discussions ...  I felt so embarassed my son didn't invite me - we are close, but I thought my friends and colleagues would think I was some kind of bad mum who didn't deserve to be at his wedding, or we'd fallen out or something.

    I was so excited to hear he was marrying - then so disappointed (after getting permission for time off to go to the wedding from work) that I wasn't invited.  It was like a body blow.

    It hurts, so be gentle on your Mum.  I understand why she wants to go abroad to avoid questions and comments.  I felt sick when anyone asked how my son's wedding went - I didn't know!  I got a few pictures through online the following day, but that is all.

    You say she won't talk about the wedding - I  imagine it is pretty unbearable for her, and she can't talk to you about flowers, or bridesmaid dresses, or cars, or invitations, or reception menus ....which are the usual topics for discussion, because there aren't going to be invitations to send out or cars to book or dress colours/wedding themes to chat about..

    You are getting the wedding you want, so let your Mum deal with it in the best way she can and try not to chide her for feeling unable to speak about it or needing to get away when her little girl goes away to get married.

    I'm sure in time she will accept your decision and be very happy for you and I bet she will love seeing the pictures of all the celebrations, but I think it is a 'big ask' for her to be happy with your choice right now.

    I can see how hard this is for you too, and I feel sad for you both as this is supposed to be a happy and exciting time.  You have the advantage though that this was your choice, and it wasn't your mum's choice for her daughter to get married without her.

    I really hope you can resolve this with your mum and your family before you go and that you enjoy your special day.

    Wishing you all the best with this delicate and difficult situation x.

  • What about having a blessing when you get back just for the parents? You can wear your dress again and it doesn't cost much at all. I think the other ladies have been very fair about thr circumstances and agree with what they have said completely. I think just make sure you tell your mum how much you love her and give it time to heal.

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    A blessing would be a nice idea.

     

    I wanted to add that although I felt upset about not going to my son's wedding (as did his father and sister) we didn't let on how disappointed we were as we wanted him to enjoy his big day without feeling bad about it.

    We're hoping he will have a 'do' back in the UK soon to celebrate with friends and family - maybe you could suggest the same idea to your mum and involve her with the planning of that happy event?

    What does your fiance think?

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    Hi Judith 19

    I've been thinking of you and realise that by now you must be married!

    I hope you had a wonderful day and that things between you and your mum are really good, now that it's all over.

     

    wishing you lots of happiness xx

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