Not been invited

Hello there I'm hoping I'm not out of terms here. My partner of 8 years is a best man at his friends wedding which he has known for as little as 2 years but I did not get an invite. At first I was told that they will try and sit me as close to the top table as possible then they said there wernt enough space for me to come although there are other partners going that they have not met. They have paid for him to stay at the hotel where the venue is and said I can come if I stay in the room. I have not had an invite to the evening either. I have only been told this 2 weeks before the wedding. My partner is livid but as he is the best man feels he can't let them down and is now stuck in the middle as I am quite upset by this as I thought I was going. What do you guys suggest we do? 

May I add that there has been no disagreement between us and we have spoken between these time very civil.  My partner has not said anything to them yet we just wanted your advice first

Posts

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    Are they having a very small wedding?

  • No its a large wedding. Over 100 guests. 

  • I think the best way forward is just go through with the wedding with just your partner attending, then reassess your friendship.

    Of course it's up to the bride and groom who they invite, but absent a very good reason, to not invite the very long term partner of the best man is really rude.

  • Thank you. I thought this too. My partner now feels that he doesn't want to go as he is very scared about doing the speech and other jobs and doesn't feel he can do it without a bit of moral support. I really do feel for him 

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    I don't think you should say anything, the bride and groom must have their reasons, even though I agree it's rude theh didn't invite you. Although you have been together a long time it sounds like your husband and the groom have only known each other a couple of years. Do you socialise much as a four?

  • No its mainly the groom and my partner. There have been other things going on too and making things very difficult for my partner

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    Personally if I was having a large wedding I wouldn't dream of not inviting a partner to someone in the wedding party but other partners. It is their choice but I can see why you find it offensive, particularly when it sounds like they made it sound like you would be invited.

    Unfortunately I think you just have to live with it, as hard as that is for your other half. 

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I think this is really rude as we invited partners to our wedding, even if we hadn't met them/didn't know them. They could have at least invited you to the evening.

  • I was in a kind of similar situation recently (it's too technical to write all the details here), but what i did was sit my partner down and let him know how I felt and how it affected me. He then decided to not go to the event as we come as a whole and there was not a justifiable reason to exclude me. Bare in mind this event was a function of one of his best friends for over 20 years. Its not about splitting up friendships but when you are being ostracised for no apparent reason its not right. Beyond anything, in your situation, I would be even more hurt if my h2b attended and would question our entire relationship off the back of it. It may seem very petty to some people but I believe its a horrible situation and clearly the bride and groom have a hidden agenda in my opinion

  • OMG.  Thank you so much. I really did think I was being petty. It has questioned our relationship because he still thinks he should go even though he knows how I feel. I know he is best man but surly an 8 year relationship is worth more then 2 years friendship and was only asked because the first person he asked to be best man declined. To say that I can come but I have to stay in a hotel room is a huge kick in the teeth. You can look but you can't touch, so to speak. Thank you

  • Stick with your gut... I believe people like to make excuses for rude and inappropriate behaviour and it is simply unacceptable! I read your post to my h2b and he was offended on your behalf... It's the multifaceted levels of disrespect that have really ticked me off with your predicament:

    1) You were invited and then they retracted the invite

    2) Other partners are attending even though they haven't met them before

    3) They then invited you to "stay in the hotel" by yourself as if your some form of leper 😡😡😡

     

    My blood is boiling for you hun. On top of it; your partner isn't just a guest but the best man... This makes me now understand why the first one pulled out. The bride and groom in question are simply awful. At the end of the day, your partner should be firm and stand by your side, fact is, they didn't care 2 weeks before the wedding to officially uninvite you so why should he care that he will be inconveniencing the couple by not attending.

  • K1984K1984 Posts: 88

    .

  • I definitely feel that there is a hidden agenda...

    Whilst on a mini break early in our relationship, hubby was invited to a wedding as an evening guest. Bearing in mind they've all been friends for over 7 years and they are all apart of the same circle, it was a bit odd for him at first but he accepted it as he was told there was on 70 people (close friends and family) going. We got back together soon after and as soon as they heard, they invited BOTH of us to the WHOLE wedding. I thought this was the weirdest thing ever and definitely made me question just what his friendship means to them. Also I had been with him less then a year at the time...

    When hubby and I got married, he wasn't keen on the father of his sisters child and although they were very much a couple, he chose not to invite him. He personally didn't like him and couldn't stand the thought of eating his meal and seeing his face 🙈. So very awkward, however I couldn't change his mind.

    You may never know what the reasons are but it's so very hurtful and awkward to put you and your partner through this. You've been together for such a long time I don't understand why they wouldn't try to at least invite you to the evening. As hubby has said he's going to be the best man, I would expect him to leave after all the speeches etc. I really hope you both are able to look beyound this and not allow it to break you up. All the best.

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    Keiran4, hope you don't mind me asking but are you male, and is your partner male? Just with your screen name I wasn't sure?

  • Soon To Be Mrs Carberry wrote (see post):

    Stick with your gut... I believe people like to make excuses for rude and inappropriate behaviour and it is simply unacceptable! I read your post to my h2b and he was offended on your behalf... It's the multifaceted levels of disrespect that have really ticked me off with your predicament:

    1) You were invited and then they retracted the invite

    2) Other partners are attending even though they haven't met them before

    3) They then invited you to "stay in the hotel" by yourself as if your some form of leper 😡😡😡

     

    My blood is boiling for you hun. On top of it; your partner isn't just a guest but the best man... This makes me now understand why the first one pulled out. The bride and groom in question are simply awful. At the end of the day, your partner should be firm and stand by your side, fact is, they didn't care 2 weeks before the wedding to officially uninvite you so why should he care that he will be inconveniencing the couple by not attending.

     

     

    I couldn't agree with you more. I would be so upset if I were you. I keep thinking of how they could possibly justify what they have done and even if it were a numbers thing there shouldn't be any reason why you at least couldn't attend the reception. 

     

    It's rude beyond belief and if one of my friends had done this to my partner I would be quite livid.

  • thank you everyone. My partner (yes we are both male) believes he should still go although he has said he will do something about it and he is not yet sure but is going to think about it. I really do hope he makes the right choice. I really thought I was over reacting and being stupid but after hearing what you guys have been saying I realise that I was not. If he does go then I hope he doesn't stay the whole 2 days as this may really affect our relationship.

    Again thank you. what you have said has made a lot of sense.

  • My 2pence for what it's worth- if I was asked to be part of someone's bridal party and they had indicated that my partner was invited, then retracted and there had been no apparent fall out, I would most certainly be asking why. I wouldn't be confrontational I would just explain that i was very confused. I would also explain that I felt it had put me in a difficult position and that I don't feel it's appropriate to ask my partner to stay in the hotel by themselves. They're answer would likely determine whether I then attended the wedding or part thereoff. As someone else suggested I might be tempted to leave post-speeches.

    The difficult thing is even if they now said yes you can attend I imagine you probably wouldn't want to! I think you have both been placed in a horrible situation. Yes it's their wedding and they can invite who they like but as Mrs Carberry to be says, that does not permit people to be needlessly rude. 

    I hope you both can get past this x

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride
    Keiran4 wrote (see post):

    thank you everyone. My partner (yes we are both male) believes he should still go although he has said he will do something about it and he is not yet sure but is going to think about it. I really do hope he makes the right choice. I really thought I was over reacting and being stupid but after hearing what you guys have been saying I realise that I was not. If he does go then I hope he doesn't stay the whole 2 days as this may really affect our relationship.

    Again thank you. what you have said has made a lot of sense.

    Do you think they might be basing their decision on your sexuality? Of course that may not be the case but I am just putting this out there. I can't honestly see any other reason why they would just exclude you. Anyway, I hope you manage to sort things whatever the outcome.

  • bella2015 wrote (see post):
    Keiran4 wrote (see post):

    thank you everyone. My partner (yes we are both male) believes he should still go although he has said he will do something about it and he is not yet sure but is going to think about it. I really do hope he makes the right choice. I really thought I was over reacting and being stupid but after hearing what you guys have been saying I realise that I was not. If he does go then I hope he doesn't stay the whole 2 days as this may really affect our relationship.

    Again thank you. what you have said has made a lot of sense.

    Do you think they might be basing their decision on your sexuality? Of course that may not be the case but I am just putting this out there. I can't honestly see any other reason why they would just exclude you. Anyway, I hope you manage to sort things whatever the outcome.

    This jumped to the forefront of my mind too :( 

    I was put in a kind of similar situation a few years ago where I was invited to a wedding with a note attached saying they didn't want my partner to come because "they didn't like how he treated me before we got together". I decided not to go. I don't need people who are going to judge and be so nasty about stuff like that in my life. Marriage is about love and happiness surely with such a big guest list anyway to see his best man happy with his partner would be important to this couple IF they cared. 

    I just showed my partner this and he said he wouldn't go if I wasn't invited (and also not invited without a decent explanation of why!) I think there is a big difference between:

    1) Not inviting your partner but explaining why and apologizing etc

    2) Not inviting your partner and then being dismissive of it - after you did initially invite them! its rude, hurtful and nasty 




  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride

    Can I just say I think the way you're being treated is disgusting?

    Sorry, I'm not going to harp on about it and repeat what other posters have already advised you do, but I hope it helps you a little to know you have the support of many on here. Anyway, the way I see it there are two choices for your partner:

    1) He goes along with what your friends have asked, makes his excuses and a quick getaway as soon as politely possible. You distract yourself on the day by doing something fabulous (and I don't mean in their poxy hotel room like they suggested, I mean something proper with real friends). Then you two seriously re-evaluate the type of 'friends' you want in your lives!

    2) He pulls out of the wedding

    I don't think there's really any point in asking for you to be able to attend; would you really want to now?!

  • thats awful. I would decline on the best man role. There's obviously a reason why the first one declined. 

     

    If if they ask why he's dropped then get him to say the truth. 

  • MrsM16MrsM16 Posts: 316 New bride

    I think it's awful.  I see what dilemma your partner is in, but he would be well within his rights to pull out of the wedding and BM duties.  I am sorry you're being treated this way.  I hope you find a solution too.  Personally, I wouldn't go with my husband. Let us know how you get on. X

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    I also thought it was a sexuality thing, which is just a disgrace if thats what it is.

    My ex friend actually considered uninviting another friends plus one, because he was asian. Although she insisted she was racist she was worried that her family, particularly her nan, would say he was dragging down the tone of the wedding. I think she was mainly worried about someone causing a scene, but we convinced her, he was invited and it all went well.

    But thats what I thought it might be. Probably the bride and groom arent offended by homosexuality, theyre 'friends' with your partner after all, but maybe theres a particular family member who they think will kick off if they see yoi and your partner holding hands or kissing or anything. On his own nobody will know, so he can be at the wedding, without you.

    But whatever the reason, if this happened and OH went without me it would seriously make me question things, and either way the friendship would be over.

  • Personally, I think it's worth talking to the couple in person.  But just tell them how upset you are for not having an invite, after all, they can't be angry with you with your feelings. 

    Hope it all works out in the end. 

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