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heart broken

hi ladies,

i feel so deflated. I tell you why. My h2b is careful with our money, we do spend on things we want but he always makes sure we have money. We are due to get married at the end of the year and the wedding is expensive however we have saved where we can, making invites, favours, buying things each month out of monthly wages.

Anyway, last night he was sorting a action plan to get the wedding paid off over the nxt coming years, i came down stairs and he told me, and then followed with 'you know what that means!'

We spoke about children awhile and he said ages ago that he would like to get the wedding paid off so it would be the right time, and then lately he said that we would try once married and then he said we would try next year, but whenever it happens its meant to be.

But when he said that last night, he meant that we wouldn't be having children until after we have paid the wedding off, this means 2012.

i cant let you how heart broken i am, i feel so sad and it makes me want to cry. when he said it last night i had to walk away, because of my tears. when he came to bed, i didnt want him to cuddle me because i feel hes hurt me so much. Am i in the wrong?



  • JAX1145JAX1145 Posts: 1,742
    Oh hunni so sorry you feel so upset but sometimes you just have to be realistic and to get the wedding paid off before you start a family makes sense to me...Children are so expensive and since you will prob give up work it will be such a financial drain on your finances to start while you still have 'wedding debt' around you....

    Try to just concentrate on your weddig for the moment and then tackle the 'baby dialemma' later,

    I think it prob would help if you mentioned to h2b how it made you feel ..

    I dont feel you are in the wrong by wanting a family but its always better to be debt free b4 you start so i can see where your h2b is coming from anyway it may not take as long to pay off the wedding...

    But do talk to him but also listen to his reasons aswell...

    Take care.. jacq x
  • fairy_50fairy_50 Posts: 146
    yeah i know your right about the money situation and that im over reacting about it all.

    i honestly didnt think it would upset me as much as it has, i suppose after talking to him, and after afew days i will be alot better, just didnt realize how much it would affect me.

    C X
  • This sounds exactly like my H2B. He always gets a little freaked about money, how much things are going to cost and how we're going to pay for them but he always come round in the end or we come to a compromise. So what I'm saying is, let your H2B calm down a little and let the money situation settle that way he won't be as freaked about how much debt you have.

    I'm not getting married until 2012 as I'm going back to uni and it's really not that far away. It'll fly by & if he said when it happens it's meant to be then you might find that you end up having a baby sooner that you think. xx
  • cathsummerscathsummers Posts: 1,090
    i understand how you feel i really do, mrs styles said it may not take as long to pay off the wedding and i agree with mrscoyletobe about time going quick! It feels like yesterday we got engaged and it was xmas 06! We get married in 7 weeks and it just is flying by and i'm not even busy ha i'm doing nothing with my time and it is scaring me a little!

    I would just concentrate on wedding, then see what happens afterwards, circumstances change x
  • fairy_50fairy_50 Posts: 146
    I know you all right, i spoken to h2b and he understands how i feeling now and thankful that i have told him. I just feel so silly with how ive reacted to it.

    Thank you for all your advice, i do feel better than how i felt this morning.

    C x
  • amariikayamariikay Posts: 692
    hi i really feel for you,

    he is very sensible but sometimes you have to put sensible out the window!!

    me n my h2b have two beautiful children and we have managed to save for our wedding which is this november.

    im sure hubbys only doing what he thinks best but maybe you should talk to him after all getting pregnant in the first place can take some time- and a word of advice regarding children -from turning into a small whale, the cankles, the sleepless nights,the never ending nappies and paying for them- you manage,because you have too!!!

    but on the other hand maybe you could enjoy your wedding & honeymoon then take the extra time to really try and prepare your body for pregnancy i swear by exercise & diet to help fall pregnant in the first place, but like i said if you do decide to go ahead after the wedding you will manage because you have too (& trust me money is saved in other areas because suddenly going out comes second place to a hot bath & sleep!!) xxx image

    [Modified by: nearly mrs b on July 21, 2009 08:52 AM]

  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,506
    A friend of mine, married with one child told her husband she was ready for a second baby - they both work by the way. Anyway her husband's job was with the Social Security and he knew all about Maternity Benefits and stuff like that. He earns more than she does and is careful with his money.

    He was aware, just as she was, how much time she'd have to take off work and what it would cost in the short term with loss of wages etc... The longer term expense of having an extra mouth to feed etc... was actually less worrying to him because in the fullness of time he knew both their salaries would increase over the years and they could comfortably aspire to a better lifestyle anyway in the future - either with one child or two. He simply wanted the financial shortfall between his wife falling pregnant and the baby reaching a few months old to be -cushioned'. He did his sums and suggested that if she wanted to go ahead and have another baby, she must first save up £1,000. (Incidentally - this was several years ago - the 2 children are now aged 16 and 20). She started saving up. Some of her friends were horrified at his reasoning but the sum she had to save up would have also come from his money as well - it was just his wife who had to do the budgeting and saving (from their joint disposable income) in order to be able to accumulate the sum.

    So she did exactly as he said and they had their 2nd baby.

    It's nearly always men who will emphasise the importance of being financially prepared - women will often happily do without a few of life's -luxuries' in order to become mothers. But men are less willing to make sacrifices and in fairness there is definitely some wisdom in their stance. Men who want to be fathers also recognise the value on having a quality, ongoing relationship with their child's mother. Having a baby when money is short or when the couple are in debt doesn't enhance their relationship. Parenthood is no picnic, even for those who are extremely wealthy. A baby coming along when the parents are economically challenged leads to sacrifices being made - couples give up having a car or holidays - a big price to pay for many. The new bathroom or kitchen that was planned for gets sidelined and the house looks drab and dreary because there's no money available for the facelift it so badly needs. Some couples have to sell their home & move into a rented house. And there is always another couple, (friends/family members) with a baby of the same age, who seem to have ???????more??????? materially.

    For the sake of a couple of years I would go along with your fianc????'s plans. What's going to introduce the most stress and trauma to your relationship? Is it putting your plans to start a family on hold for 2 or 3 years? Or is it going ahead and having the baby, struggling to make ends meet whilst at the same time adjusting to the new routine of having a baby in the house, the tiredness, the hormonal changes and your husband suddenly noticing that on top of everything else, he's been pushed into 2nd place by the tiny newcomer?

    Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear and I do sympathise with what you must be feeling right now but for the sake of the psychological and emotional well being of BOTH of you (let alone the financial side of things!) I would go along with what he says.

    Bamba x
  • GlitterBug09GlitterBug09 Posts: 2,894
    I understand how you feel. Im in a similar situation. My h2b has decided he wants to give up his well paid job and re train to be a teacher. It means that I will have to wait at least 2 years before I can begin trying because money will be very tight due to him not earning. And then when we eventually do have a baby, I wont be able to afford to work part time. Gutted is an understatement - I had set my heart on our origional plan of trying this time next year. I cant ask my h2b to stay in a job he hates, and I know now is the right time for him to change careers because we dont have any dependants, but I am devestated and totally sympathise with your situation xx
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