Not really sure where else to turn, but Sperm donation advice needed please

Hey ladies, (and any gents lurking). I have a bit of a dilemma.

My partner and I have been trying for a baby for the past 5 years. We've been to specialists and have found that my partners sperm count is really low, and they have seriously low mobility. We had it confirmed by the specialist that we can try all we like to get pregnant naturally, but there is only a 1.3% chance that it will ever happen. They suggested routes like ICSI (a more expensive form of IVF for anyone wondering), where they will take the best sperm they have and plant it with one of my eggs. But even that option seems unlikely to bring about preganancy, since there's such a low chance of finding an "eligible" sperm.

We were told to go away and think about it (and we have, for the past year), and if we decide to go ahead with the procedure, it would cost us an awful lot of money, as he has had a child previously ( although that child is 10years old). My partner went back again for another sperm test, and discovered that the sperm count is even worse than it was last year. Our hopes are being dashed quite quickly.

A friend of mine suggested sperm donation, which I'm all for, but i don't know whether that's because of the longing for the child, and i'm just being selfish or not. My partner had not been keen on the idea, but we have considered this for the past 6 months (and the sperm test kind of "broke" him into accepting it in the end), and talked about all the possibilities and pros and cons of this situation, but due to struggling to find the money for ICSI, we're not entirely sure if IUI would a good option or whether to go to the "turkey baster" route. IUI is cheaper than ICSI, but no matter how much we save, everything seems to be going wrong. Things break at the drop of a hat, and everytime something else goes, we seem to only just have enough money to cover the cost of replacement.

We have seen online about sperm donation websites, for couples to meet someone in the area, or outside the area, to discuss sperm donation, and find someone compatible, without having the intimate side of conception, but I don't feel comfortable meeting someone off the net. My partner suggested i meet someone in a club and go home with them, but I don't feel comfortable with meeting a random stranger, and adding a "notch to my bed post" just for an off chance it might happen, and if it doesn't happen, i'll have to go and do the same thing next time.

We thought we'd get some points of view from our parents before we decided anything officially, and my mum is fine with the idea, as is his mum. his mum even suggested we ask his brother to be a sperm donor, and i think that's a good idea, at least there's a chance the baby will have my partner's features (they look similar) but i'm concerned about the consequences in the future. His brother is only 21, (im 25 and my partner is 27), and i worry that he's too immature at that age to donate to us. I panic of any arguements that may come up in the future, where his brother might rub it in my partners face about the fact that he can have kids where my partner cant. I panic of if both sides of the family know, should we tell the child? I worry that my partners brother, when he finally has kids of "his own" will feel resentful, and i worry about what his future partner(s) would think and feel.

Am i thinking too much about this? Is there anyone out there that's had similar experience?

Also, is Brother - in - law sperm donation any different to sisterly surrogacy or egg donation?

Apologies sincerely for the length of this post, but i really had to get it all off my chest. any advice would be gratefully received. thanks xx


  • hollie1626hollie1626 Posts: 134

    I don't have any experience in this myself but have spent the last few years doing research into this area as part of my job. Firstly, I wouldn't go anywhere near the internet to meet a potential donor - these men are not screened for STIs etc and you could end up doing harm to yourself and any baby you are carrying. You also won't have any info about genetic disorders in their family. The best bet is to go to a fertility clinic if this is what you are considering - it's all regulated to protect you and your baby. You will most likely also be offered counselling which may benefit your husband to come to terms with the issue.

    Changes in donor legislation now means that donors are not anonymous so any resulting child can find their donor parent once they reach 18. This may help you to think through whether to use a stranger or someone that you know - if the child is going to be able to find them anyway would you rather that it is someone you don't know or not? As for his brother at 21 I agree that he may be to immature to deal with this. You are also only 25 so you have many fertile years ahead of you - if you decide to go ahead with the brother I would wait a few years personally. I agree that there could be many potential psychological issues between your husband and his brother - I would suggest that both may need to go and speak with a professional therapist to uncover their true feelings.

    Lastly, have you looked at adoption? If you cannot afford IVF / ICSI then this may be a route for you. I understand that you may want the experience of pregnancy itself but the resulting 'issues' for your husband (and perhaps child if you are open about the adoption process) may be less. To have your uncle as a father could be even more confusing than being adopted by two loving parents who desperately wanted a child to care for.

    Good luck whatever path you choose xx

  • helentinkhelentink Posts: 976
    Thankyou honey. It's good to see it from an outside perspective. I think me and my partner are going to have to have a big talk about this all, as I realise I have been a bit selfish with what I want, and how quickly I want it to happen. But your advice is brilliant. Thankyou very much xx
  • Hi Helentink,

    My sister had exactly the same probalem, her husbands sperm count was low with low motability.

    Se tries ICSI in the uk 2 times with no ado, then she went to a clinica in budapest and the fresh cycle she got no joy but the 2nd which was frozen, so actually lesser odds worked she now has a wonderful 14month old boy, healthy and happy, 2 embryos left and she is planning on going back to try those on her sons 2nd birthday.

    So basically what I am saying is dont give up, money is a BIG issue I know, however clinics all over the world do this and it works!

    If you want any names etc PM me.

    I hope it works out with you, good luck,


  • I havea friend that went down the sprem donor route via the hospital and they match the likeliness of the father.

    The baby looks sooooo much like his "dad" that no-one would ever know.

    Also, I think it could be very difficult having his brother involved mentally for your fella.

    good luck whatever you decided to do xx
  • helentinkhelentink Posts: 976
    Thankyou ladies, i'm glad i'm not alone in this image makes me feel a lot better hearing good stories. Been feeling awful the past couple of days cos OH's sister just announced she's pregnant after 6months of trying image but i'm looking on the bright side, and we've decided to check out the ICSI route once, and if that doesn't work, we're gonna try and do sperm donation. Luckily, MIL has realised just how bad we're feeling after the SiL bombshell, so she's donating some money to us to help pay for our ICSI which is brilliant. Hopefully the ICSI will work, as the doc said, we can keep trying naturally, but we've got more chance of winning the lottery! I'll keep you posted and hopefully have some good news for you!
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