Most painful experience of my life

Hi everyone,

I told my story a couple of months back on this forum because I was so excited to be pregnant and keeping it secret until 12 weeks-basically I don't menstruate so to conceive naturally on my honeymoon was like the biggest miracle ever, and I was so happy.

Anyway, I had been feeling the usual symptoms, but they had maybe started to fade a bit-we had told my parents and mum said it was probably just everything settling down. I would have been 12 weeks next week and due for a scan on Tuesday, so we were on the brink of telling everyone, and actually starting to believe that this miracle had really happened.

Anyway, I had been suffering with a backache that seemed to be getting worse each day (again I just thought that was things moving about), and on Wednesday I had a small bleed. My husband took me to the hospital, where I had to wait for hours, but the bleeding stopped and we thought it was probably just one of those freaky things that happens during pregnancy-surely everything would be fine. I finally got seen by a doctor who gave me an ultrasound (the first one I had had). She seemed to take ages looking and then she said the words I will never forget: 'I'm so sorry, I can't find a heartbeat'. She turned the screen to us and we saw a tiny shape, not moving at all. My baby had died at 9 weeks.

I had to go home and come back the next day. They gave me pills to put inside me to induce dilation, which made me so dizzy, and sick-my blood pressure dropped very low, I went white, I lost my vision and I was sick, throwing up bile from my empty stomach. I was sweating and overheating and so so frightened, and the pain was so intense-imagine the pain of labour but knowing that it's all for no purpose-there's no baby coming to make it worth it. Eventually they took me down and I was put under general anaesthetic whilst they cut my baby out of me.

I woke up feeling surprisingly much better, the pain had gone, although I was of course bleeding a lot. A couple of hours later they sent me home, and that was that.

I woke up this morning, still bleeding and just feeling so so sad and empty. I cry and cry, and I just keep wishing I could wake up and realise this was all just an awful dream.

I also found out literally as we arrived at the hospital to have my baby taken out that my sister in law is pregnant.

I feel like life has been so cruel to us, we were so close to telling everyone and we were so afraid all the way to believe this was real and had just started to accept that maybe it was. I am lucky that my husband is wonderful and has been fantastic, but I feel so guilty-he so wants children and I'm so afraid I will not be able to give him a child. How on earth do I go about getting through this?? All the doctors say I didn't do anything wrong, I tried to do everything just perfect, cutting out all the foods you're supposed to, no alcohol, I don't smoke...they tell me it's not my fault and it's just bad luck, but the thought still stays-'I killed my baby', and I try to work out if I did something-carried a bag that was too heavy, stressed too much at work...

Just had to write it down and get it all out, thanks for reading. If anyone can offer any comfort I'd be really grateful.

image



Posts

  • mrsgLmrsgL Posts: 682
    i am really sorry, honestly i am. im not too sure what else to say to comfort you. terrible things like this does happen, you have done nothing wrong and dont go thinking its your fault. mother nature is very cruel sometimes.



    the only real bit of advice id say is that dont hide your feelings and be honest to your husband.



    this also doesnt mean you cant have children in the future though. the doctors will agree too. my sister had a miscarriage and nearly had a breakdown afterwards as she kept everything in, wouldnt speak about it at all.



    big hugs to you



    xx
  • Hi



    I don't really know quite what to say, but didn't want to ignore your post. I really feel for you, it must absolutely heartbreaking. It will defintiely take you some time to come to terms with what has happened, but please don't blame yourself sometimes things don't turn out how we hope, but it doesn't mean it won't ever happen for you.



    Please don't give up all hope, and I hope you feel a bit better about things as time goes on. You're in my thoughts xx
  • Im really sorry for your loss hun, im nearly coming up to my 9 week now and dont think I could cope if I lost it now.



    My only advise when your ready try again, as others have said this is not your fault or anything you have done 1 in 5 pregnacy end in MC before 12 weeks for no reason what so ever. My sister had 1st MC at 8 weeks and went on to have a healthy boy then MC again 17 weeks which was awful but again went on after to have a healthy girl.



    Take it easy, rest up x
  • Thanks everyone xx There really is nothing that can make this better, but your kind words have helped a lot. This time was clearly not our time, i think the baby must have had something very wrong with it. I hope that we will be able to have a child in the future, the doctors said the fact that I got pregnant at all was a good thing. We won't give up, but the next few weeks are going to be tough for us.

    Thanks again everyone xxx
  • So sorry to read your news.

    Please dont blame yourself, its not your fault.

    I know this isn't a advice but my friends sister had 5 miscarriages and now has a gorgeous wee boy so it will happen for you too.

    Tke care x x

  • Oh sweetheart. I feel for you so much. I know a couple of people who have had miscarriages and had gone on to fall pregnant again and have healthy babies. Please don't blame yourself as it sounds like you did everything perfectly. Life is so so cruel but for some reason this wasn't your time, but it will come, i'm sure of it.



    xxxx
  • I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending hugs xxx
  • Thank you x this evening has been awful, I can't stop crying and I can't understand why my baby had to die. I know it will get better with time x
  • Happymrs - so sorry to hear your news. My story is slightly different but like you I thought I would never fall pregnant and due to different circumstances we lost our first baby. You must not blame yourself. Remember your body has a strange way of behaving. When it happened to us I was determined not to let it get to me - it is so easy to fall into a downer. What the doctor told me - it was unfortunate it was a bad egg. I fell pregnant 8 weeks later, I am now 19 weeks pregnant. So don't give up home, important thing now is to relax, think positive and believe it will happen. You fell pregnant you can do it again. Try to think of happy things and find your comfort on how you deal with your loss. The start for me was to go to church - not that I am overly religious but it helped me with the grieving process. You will never forget but be blessed that you have a wonderful husband and there are many people who will be there for you.



    So please don't give up hope, don't blame yourself - Your time will def come and when it does your body will be ready for it. Keep taking the pregnacare vitamins and all the things you did as it will help. I continued with my vitamins, eating healthy, taking care of my body and my mind, keep positive thoughts, be calm, cry when you need to but don't let it take over you - I know it has helped me fall pregnant again quickly.



    Thinking of you and big hugs to you and your husband.



    xxx
  • Happymrs - so sorry to hear your news. My story is slightly different but like you I thought I would never fall pregnant and due to different circumstances we lost our first baby. You must not blame yourself. Remember your body has a strange way of behaving. When it happened to us I was determined not to let it get to me - it is so easy to fall into a downer. What the doctor told me - it was unfortunate it was a bad egg. I fell pregnant 8 weeks later, I am now 19 weeks pregnant. So don't give up home, important thing now is to relax, think positive and believe it will happen. You fell pregnant you can do it again. Try to think of happy things and find your comfort on how you deal with your loss. The start for me was to go to church - not that I am overly religious but it helped me with the grieving process. You will never forget but be blessed that you have a wonderful husband and there are many people who will be there for you.



    So please don't give up hope, don't blame yourself - Your time will def come and when it does your body will be ready for it. Keep taking the pregnacare vitamins and all the things you did as it will help. I continued with my vitamins, eating healthy, taking care of my body and my mind, keep positive thoughts, be calm, cry when you need to but don't let it take over you - I know it has helped me fall pregnant again quickly.



    Thinking of you and big hugs to you and your husband.



    xxx
  • Thanks poppet12, I really hope that maybe I might manage it one day-it seems impossible now though. It's awful that people are so rude and thoughtless-when I stopped drinking some people assumed I was pregnant, and one rude guy I know actually felt my stomach last week to see if it had got bigger. And of course it did get a bit bigger, so now people think I'm pregnant when I'm not. So humiliating, I can't bear any of it. These few days will be down and awful, but I do agree about being positive. I will give myself some time to grieve and then I will start to try to think towards the future and the baby that I hope we will have one day.
  • happymrs - something you should think about is get some counselling - many people advice me to do this but I decided not to as I found my inner peace with myself and the baby we lost.



    Be strong - one day at a time and it will get easier.



    xxxx
  • Thank you x it'a amazing how comforting the support that all of you girls give has been for me x I have close friends who haven't even sent a txt to see if I'm ok, but total strangers on here are sending such kind words and thoughts, I am so grateful. X
  • Happymrs, I read your post and cried, I have never gone through what you have but my heart goes out to you.



    I hope you can get past this and go on to have a happy and healthy pregnancy.



    Dawn x
  • shelldoddsshelldodds Posts: 2,679
    Hey honey have sent you a private message I hope you don't mind. Hope you feel a little better today xxx
  • City Girl-Thank you. It is so comforting to hear stories of others who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies after miscarriage (although of course I wish for their sakes that they hadn't had to go through this). 'a happy mum is a trillion times better than a perfect mum'-I will remember that next time! I really did do my best, and so many women smoke and drink and do everything wrong through their pregnancies and manage to have healthy babies-it doesn't seem fair but it's how life works I guess. Tell you what though, next time I see a heavily pregnant woman smoking, someone is going to have to hold me back!!!

    Shell: I sent you a loong e mail image
  • happymrs - I don't normally reply to these threads, as I never know what to say, and I know that whatever I say now won't help, but I just couldn't read and run!!



    I just want to say that I think you're being so strong by coming on here, and seeking the support of others. I really feel for you, and I know the feeling is raw for you now, but I hope that with time things will start to look up.



    You both need to be strong for each other, and know that things will become easier.



    Thinking of you, and sending you *hugs*

    xxx
  • Thank you x I don't feel very strong at all, but it is quite theraputic to get it out there and tell people, especially as I want it to be a secret in my 'real world'. All of you girls here have just been amazing, and it is incredible what a few kind words can do.



    I would have been having my scan today and then started to tell people, quite a hard day, but strangely also the first day that I haven't cried...yet!



  • I am sorry to hear your sad news, I hope you feel better soon and go on to have a happy and healthy pregnancy when you're ready.



    I just wanted to say, try not to be too hard on your friend, she probably doesn't know what to say or how to help as miscarriage although common is still a taboo subject.



  • Couldn't read this without sending you massive massive hugs image I can't imagine what you must be going through but try to remember there is still hope...(easily said, I know) My mum had to go through the same ordeal (having to give birth to a child after it had already died) after already having had a miscarriage a year before. She went on to have me and then my 3 younger siblings. I know that's no comfort to you hun but I guess I'm just trying to say that there is still hope. Lots of hugs xxxxx
  • hi



    i found out 10 days before my wedding that i was pregnant and i was sooo excited and then 5 days later started bleeding, and then had a MC the day before my wedding at 6 weeks, i was devastated especially as i was TTC for 2 years, i know how your feel and mine was horrible,



    if you need to chat to someone give me a private message xxxxxxxx
  • Your story broke my heart. Im so so sorry. Life can be so cruel. I will be thinking of you and hoping you get through this terrible time.

    On a side note, my friend had a very similar thing happen to her. She went for a scan, and there was no heartbeat. She also had the pill to make you go into labour. She was so devastated, it seemed like she would never be able to move forward. This was in March, she is now pregnant again and looking to the future.

    Good luck to you and your husband, stay strong.

  • did not want to read n run, very sorry to hear of your loss, its nt your fault. these things happen n there is no rhyme nor reason that we can see. take care and best of luck with the future. xx
  • hugs xx
Sign In or Register to comment.