The right time rant...

I get that there is never a 'right time' to have a baby...however there are obviously more practical times and it is worth thinking about these when planning.



So I have been thinking a lot recently about our practicalities and I've realised that it is unlikely that things are going to dramatically change any time soon.



Apologies for the long post...



I have been doing maternity cover for the last 18 months and have always been facing going back to my original permanent post which I hate. There are no permanent jobs in my dream department (or anywhere else in the company) but there is another maternity cover coming up and there is an incredibly high chance that I will get it.



My new maternity cover role will mean another payrise so I can get some real savings going for my own maternity leave. Plus due to how maternity cover works where I am employed the chance of me being left without a job due to redundancy is incredibly slim.



My husband is self employed and has been since we got married just over two years ago. He is looking at setting up his own business as he is currently a sports coach so it is highly likely that money will continue to be a sticky issue for the forseeable future.



We have just had another conversation about trying for a baby and he is still insisting he's not ready and wants to wait to set up his business first (no consideration whatsoever to what I would like). On the surface this is somewhat sensible but he has been wanting to set this up for two years now.



I did explain that:

1) I wont catch immediatly and even if I did, its still 9 months absolute bare minimum, however I am like clockwork on the pill so fully expect to take a while.

2) We don't have to 'try' in the sense of using fertility aids or ovulation kits and well timed snuggles. I am happy to simply stop taking the pill and leave it entirely to fate - its not like we go at it like rabbits anyway.

3) My new job will let me save up the amount we would need to let us cope with the bills whilst I was on maternity leave and hopefully help provide for childcare after.



He has still put up the roadblocks saying he wants to wait. However I get the feeling that even if we leave it, there will always be another 'waiting excuse' like him wanting launch a new product or something.



I know it is a joint decision but I am so confused as to what to do. Our life isn't really going to get much more stable as far as I can predict. We have a lot of support, a nice home and whilst we can't predict the future what I can see doesn't look too bad at all.



I kind of feel like I will be the one going through the pregnancy anyway and I will be the one saving up to make sure we can afford it and what comes after. I also feel that he will never be ready until the baby is actually plonked in his arms anyway.



Just wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom for me?

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Posts

  • MiaLeaceyMiaLeacey Posts: 1,184
    Oh bless you. No real words of wisdom other than I still feel like you do, and I'm pregnant already. There isn't a right time is there? And it's the hardest decision ever isn't it? Well, I guess it doesn't have to be, and it probably shouldn't be, but if you're an over thinker like me it probably will be.



    The only thing I want to caution you about is the thought that it won't happen straight away. I was completely convinced that it would take us a long time to get pregnant. Lots of my friends and lots of ladies on this forum have really struggled, the GP also told me it would probably take at least six months and I was just certain it would take a while. So we did what you're suggesting: moved from the not trying to conceive stage, to the not trying not to conceive stage, rather than the actual ttc stage! Thinking this would give us time to come around to the idea - and boom!



    I sound terribly wicked and ungrateful and I do appreciate just how incredibly lucky I have been. Of course it could take you a while, you just have to go into it with your eyes open, being prepared it could happen straight away, that's all!image



    All I can suggest is keep talking to your hubby. Maybe ask him if you can try and get your body ready without trying, e.g. start on the folic acid, come off the pill, use condoms for a while, get healthy, get a preconception guide and work through it, etc. Maybe ask him when? And then at least you might feel better knowing that you're working towards it, even if you're not there yet.



    Good luck!
  • char2609ukchar2609uk Posts: 1,539
    Thank you for your reply and congratulations image



    I'll have a look into the preconception guide as I've not heard of them before.



    The 'might take a while' point is more for him than me. I understand it could take ages so I am prepared for that but I also know it could be weeks rather than months and that doesn't phase me. My husband on the other hand clearly wants more time so I wanted to put it into perspective that coming off the pill doesn't mean I am instantly pregnant.



    He isn't even open to a real discussion about it and I get eye rolls and sighs when I bring it up which does make me wonder if he does in fact want children.



    The roadblocks come up immediatly and everything I say is disregarded - he wont even give any timescales and simply says 'I want my business up and running first'. For him this means when its paying the bills but this could be years away still at the rate he's going.



    It certainly isn't helping at the moment that I have the classic problem of everyone around me being pregnant!
  • mum2be2011mum2be2011 Posts: 1,172
    I came off the pill last October to give my body a break as it wasn't agreeing with me and hubby and I weren't planning children any time soon. We were careful all the time by using condoms and then one drunken night in February we threw caution to the wind and here I am 9 weeks pregnant! Now that it's happened we're delighted but still scared at the same time. I don't think there ever is a 'right time' as you say there will always be a financial pressure when children come along unless you are lucky enough to have childcare through family which is free of charge. Another thing i would say is that my husband started his own business 3 years ago and it was one of the most stressful times in both of our lives and to be honest still is. In some ways I understand what your husband is saying but it can take a long time for a business to be established and secure so how long would you be expected to wait? x
  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    My husband set up his own business two years ago, we said we would wait until we had 2 years trading behind us to try, as the first year we made nothing and last year made major outlays such as van etc. We have now decided to try as the business is busy and has been for a while now, which is great in this climate but we are both on board with it.



    How old are you both? Has he given you time scales with his business and trying? Could you come off the pill and use alternative contraception just so you can start to track cycles?
  • char2609ukchar2609uk Posts: 1,539
    I'm 23 and he will be 30 this year.



    His business is being set up alongside his coaching work so although it might mean long hours his plan is to do both until the business can provide a stable income. I wont go into details but his businee will be home based and has some great potential so I am supportive of it if it makes him happy. There also isn't any real outlay involved and his dad is backing him so the risk and postential stress is quite low, especially with him being able to keep money coming in via the coaching if it falls flat.



    As for coming off the pill...it works so well for me that I wouldn't want to come off it unless we had both agreed that a baby was the eventual outcome we wanted. I have a feeling coming off it under any other circumstances would be seen as a pressuring move on my part it I wasn't looking to replace it with something equally as realiable.



    I have been able to have a decent chat with him since I posted last without him shooting me down completely. He has agreed that we can sit down and crunch some numbers if I get this new job as without it our ability to save for maternity leave and future childcare is non existent anyway.



  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    MY husband wouldn't think of it at 30 but at 32 said he was ready to think about it and was 33 when we have started TTC. At 23 you do have a while to go before you need to wait.



    Good luck with getting the other job
  • Me and my h2b have "baby chats" sometimes, although in a sort of jokey way. He knows I would happily have a baby now, but he wants to wait (not sure what for!) I think - and this is a sweeping generalisation - that when women start to feel maternal and feel ready for babies, that's all they can think about, and don't really care about anything else - but men are far more practical and need to feel totally secure before adding more people!



    It took me 3 years to convince my h2b to get a couple of cats!
  • sweetjouksweetjouk Posts: 792
    Speaking as the person who has been badgered by my husband for years about having a baby, so possibly I'm coming a bit from your husband's perspective; I know that I made excuses such as, 'When this happens, then we'll think about babies' because although I knew I eventually DEFINITELY wanted kids, I didn't want them right then, when he was asking constantly about it! And it did feel like it was constant and wearing, I just wanted him to leave off for a few months instead of everytime there was a baby on tv say, 'Can we have a baby?' or 'When we have a baby....' Or 'Isn't that baby beautiful...' GAH! I'm not saying you're badgering your husband, but just be wary that constant little remarks may be turning him off from the conversation in general - you're better having a proper sit down convo (which you may have tried already of course).



    It probably took me around 3 years from hubby first asking if we could start trying, to actually get to the point where I was on board with him.



    Part of my reasoning was: I wanted to get married first, I wanted to be more financially stable, I wanted to move nearer our parents. But also I was just scared of the responsibility.



    Of these things I wanted, we accomplished the getting married bit! Once we were married, it seemed to me that the other two issues just weren't important enough any more as I genuinely wanted a baby too. I decided that we would manage financially and we would wait and see about moving; because although I Wanted those things, I now wanted a baby more. My priorities had shifted pretty much on their own. Hubby had been so wrapped up in wedding plans that he didn't mention babies so much and so I came to the decision that I was now ready on my own.



    As you say, the time is never going to be absolutely perfect (I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and we are not in the best place financially, but manageable). I think you do both have to be ready though. It helped me spending time with my sisters in law who both had babies last year. Up until this point, I haven't really had many friends who have had babies. Maybe your husband needs to see someone he sees as his peers with a baby? It gets you thinking, if they can do it, maybe I can. I'd had friends who'd got pregnant straight after school, but none of my friends who'd gone to uni and started work after had had babies, so I could look at my school friends and think, yes you have a 6 year old, but you have a totally different life to me. I delayed all of this by a good 6 years by going to uni and trying to establish a career. So as much as they were the same age as me, I didn't think it was the 'same' circumstance, if that makes any sense.



    My husband still worries that I just ran out of excuses after we got married (the excuse, 'not until we're married' had obviously expired by then!) and just went along with his baby plans. But honestly I just felt ready by then. But likewise, you don't want to be worrying that you've railroaded your hubby into babies if he's not ready.



    I do think you need an honest discussion about whether he actually wants kids, it's easier to accept 'Look I'm not ready right now, I'm not sure when I will be but I can't imagine not having children,' than 'I don't know, after this...' which could be in the same vein as my stalling tactics, or could be a case that he doesn't know how to tell you he's just not sure about it in general. In which case you need to know this.



    Hope this gives you a bit of insight from the other side, and I genuinely hope your hubby has the same goals as you - he's just not quite ready for them yet!



    Lots of luck

    xxx
  • Mrs-L-2bMrs-L-2b Posts: 1,702
    I think deciding to have a baby has to be a joint decision. It sounds like he has said the reasons why he isnt ready and you are still talking about it. Although he is saying its the business etc, maybe he just isn't ready for the responsibility yet?



    You are lucky that you are still young and are in no rush (I mean by this you arent in your mid 30's where your fertility drops somewhat)



    I also dont see the point in coming off the pill just yet, some people catch straight away, others dont, there is no hard evidence that says being on the pill affects fertility.....just means that your cycles are sometimes a bit all over the place for the first few months.



    Hope you manage to get things sorted....you never know in a couple of months or so he might just change his mind! Good luck x
  • char2609ukchar2609uk Posts: 1,539
    Thank you all for your replies.



    The chances of his peers having a baby are zip - I'm not entirely sure they should procreate lol.



    A few of my friends have had kids recently but they live miles away and hubby works awkward hours so getting him around young kids is very difficult.



    I suppose my real issue is not the waiting as such, but more to do with him marginalising my opinions. There seems to be no comprimise - he just says the words 'not now' or 'not ready' and thats the end of it. It isn't about doing it now - its about assessing the situation together properly and reaching a joint decision.



    My first few posts were definately based on hurt feelings so apologies if I have come across as a bit of a broody nut job. However I am a planner - and he knew that when he married me so it shouldn't be a shock that I'd like a proper conversation about such a big decision.



    He has promised me a chat in a few weeks once I have found out the job scenario so I wont mention it until I know whats happening. Just got to hope that he can keep an open mind so I can actually express myself and maybe put his mind at ease about the financial side of things if nothing else.
  • NowMrsMNowMrsM Posts: 536
    Men are funny things...image my husband went from absolutely no, not at all, nada to trying for a baby on New Years Eve 09/10 To agreeing to me coming off the pill in Early Feb 10, conception in May and a beautiful baby boy in Feb this year...



    He said that he needed to feel it was his decision and not one that he'd been badgered into...



    And even though I had an easy pregancy with no real problems it is hard... Emotionally and physically.. And I don't think i would have had the support I needed from him unless his heart was in it 100%...



    He'll get there in the end... Good luck xx
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