How did you decide?

Hello All,



Very new to this and feeling abit overwhelmed.



Me and my husband are trying to decide if now is the right time for us to try for a baby but it's sooo difficult!



I can think of a hundred reasons not to have a baby and very few to have one...so why is it all i can think about?!



I was just wondering although everyone is different..how did you decide that now was the right time for you to start your family?



Would appreciate any feedback from people feeling the same as me!



Chel
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Posts

  • MrsDVMrsDV Posts: 322
    Hi Chel - good question!



    For me, it was a combination of the usual factors (plus some extra "fear" from seeing my elder sister go through horrible infertility issues)

    - My age (i'm almost 31)

    - We just got married, and are more financially secure than we have been in a while

    - I just really really want one! image
  • chick-basschick-bass Posts: 563
    There is always a hundred reasons not too!!!!



    We just got a bit sick of going out and getting drunk every weekend! We came to the conclusion that there is more to life and we were both ready for the change in life style!



    Plus I am 32 now and ideally we would like more than one so it made sense to start now!
  • MrsH2128MrsH2128 Posts: 566
    We decided before we got married that we wanted 1 year to ourselves to enjoy married life and then try for a family. I have always been adamant that I want all my children before I am 30 (27 now and due next month) for various reasons and also to have our own home, which we got earlier this year and we luckily got pregnant within a month of trying and 14 months after our wedding.



    There is never a right/wrong time to have kids but the most important thing is to discuss it with your partner. I was made redundant in March but we have managed fine through careful planning which goes to show you never do know what is around the corner.
  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    We got to the stage where more reasons to have them now than not. A lot of our friends and family have had babies in the last 2 years and we want our child to grow up with theirs, plus this dynamic has massively changed our social life.

    We are now married, I have just turned 34, we are quite secure with jobs etc have the house almost as we want it.



    A few friends and SIL also had fertility issues so didnt want to leave it much longer
  • mrsleggomrsleggo Posts: 807
    Mine was mainly age related...I was 37 when I had my little one and we had been trying for 15 months



    Dawn x
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    Thank-you everyone who replied. I can understand that everyone has different reasons for wanting or not wanting to start a family. I'm 25, will be 26 in Dec and have been married to my wonderful husband for 2 years. I always imagined myself starting my family by now. Myself and my husband have discussed our hopes and fears about the next stage in our lives and we both want children. Althoug our situation is'nt as good as we would like it to be (i.e. still renting and would both like to be fiancially more secure) I don't want to keep putting it off.



    For those of you who have children? How did you cope with all the change?



    Thanks,



    Chel x
  • scottishgemscottishgem Posts: 149
    If everyone waited till if was the right time then nobody would ever have kids, we just went for it(and now i am just over 5 weeks pregnant image )i am 30 in October, husband is 30 next may, we both have good jobs, the only downside is we rent a one bed flat in London, but we will make it work plus we will have the support of both our families.
  • alex496alex496 Posts: 2
    I had similar problems in deciding, although I really want a baby, I'm also so scared and keep worrying we're rushing things even though we have a house and jobs and on paper this couldn't be a better time.

    i read online somewhere that you should decide you've made the decision you are going to start a family for 1 week, and see how you feel, then do the opposite for the next week and see how that feels - sounds weird, but I did that, and was gutted the week we were 'not' and so excited the week where I said we were... maybe forced me to think about how I would feel once the decision had been made! still have my days when I worry it's too soon, and still only trying but once we made the decision to start trying it made me much calmer about it all and looking forward to it!
  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    for us it was just that we both really really wanted a baby more than anything else. there will always be reasons to wait but at some point these just became less significant. i was 28 when we started ttc and when we conceived, am 29 now and due in 2 weeks image weve been married almost 2 years now. it just seemed like the right time.
  • Im also thinking this - when do you actually say 'Lets try..'



    We got married in June and i planned by our honeymoon in November we would try but i dont want to now! Ive also just found out i got this problem with my thyroid and i cant try yet until is subsided and i may need medication to get my body straight!
  • MrsHunt110611MrsHunt110611 Posts: 1,992
    I'm not TTC - I'm a definite lurker on the YYB thread, but I just wanted to say that I know I'm not ready!



    I think about it, and I think I like 'the idea of having a baby' but when I actually seriously think about it, I know that now is not the right time.



    I'm not ready to lose the spontaniety (SP I know!) of our lives. We like that we can just pop to tescos at 11pm if we want, or go to the cinema when we fancy it. I love the idea of being a mum, and I know that we will make good parents and that we have a strong relationship, but I also know that there are plenty of other things that I want to do before I have children.



    Although I felt a definite change after we got married. I think it's maybe down to wanting to have something else to plan, but I know in my heart that now is not the right time.



    Maybe you know in your heart is now is the right time? I think the idea above about having 1 week where you're not and 1 week where you are is a good way to work out your feelings!
  • MrsSargentMrsSargent Posts: 212
    I'm confused too!



    I have problems with one of my ovaries and I was told by the doctors in January that potentially it could be now or never, so we decided to start trying as soon as we're married (getting married next month). I've just taken my last pill.



    However, I've just been told my job may not be safe. So where does that leave us. I'm not 100% sure we're ready yet, but what if we wait too long and then can't have children! AARRRGH it's so confusing!
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    Oooohhh!!! THANK-YOU!! All of you!!! It's refreshing knowing that there are like minded individuals on here and not just me!



    I feel ready but unsure if I am, Hubby the same! I just think that you can always keep putting it off until one day comes along and suddenly you really want a baby to find out that you can't for one reason or another. I don't want to miss my chances but is that a reason to have a baby?



    Plus we have some family members that are questionning us as to WHY we haven't started a family yet because we've been married for nearly 2 years and haven't started trying yet....you know the ones! And I keep trying to be sweet but firm when replying that that was their choice and our lives are different.



    My mum has been chomping at the bit for grandchildren for years and has made it well known without being overpowering, she understands that it's a huge change and we will get there when were ready and not before. But his mum has just turned 50 and has decided that NOW she is reay for grandchildren and we'd better get a move on!!! (Last year when she was 49 it was the complete opposite as she was too young to be a grandmother yet!)



    I feel like I can't win and everyone is waitinf for us to make a start!



    Chel x
  • EllieKate83EllieKate83 Posts: 1,431
    Ha!



    I so know how you feel. All my friends and family are onto us and only been married 3 months!



    It's really hard to decide. I really want a family but am scared about giving up my body and certain other things (surfing, physically being able to keep up with my husband...). But we are going to go for it this month as I'm a teacher and what with school nearly being over for the summer I'm ready to get my head around it.



    I like the advice about saying you are for a week and saying you aren't the next...



    Good luck deciding x
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    Yeah I think I may speak to OH about that tonight. Sounds like a good idea because when we do start 'trying' I don't want to be taking my BBT, or ovulation tests, fertility tests, planning my cycle or for it to be planned down to the day! If it's going to happen for us it will.



    Just want to thank everyone again for all your sound advice!!!



    chel x
  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    we went down the lets just not use protection and see what happens route too and conceived that first month. we were pretty shocked haha but really excited and figured it was just meant to happen for us image it did take the pressure off though as we werent keen on monitoring things or anything. i think when were ready for our second baby we will try the same method again. if nothing happens for several months then we can always look at other options. xx
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    JvLwithBean CONGRATULATIONS!!! Wonderful news!!! That's how I would like it to happen, make the decision to try and let nature take it's course!!! Like you if we started trying and for one reason or another it didn't happen for us, I may look into why but wouldn't force the issue.



    Chel x
  • BiffsWifeBiffsWife Posts: 820
    There will always be 101 reasons for not having a baby, and there will never be a day you wake up and think "right, everything is in place, lets start trying".



    I think if you are financially secure, you feel ready for the change in lifestyle and feel like you've done most of the things on your ticklist - nice holidays, regular evenings out etc then you'll be fine image



    Best of luck in whatever you decide x
  • debs5981debs5981 Posts: 88
    Like the others have said - there will never be a 'right' time to have a baby, you could always save for just one more months or just have one more holiday or need a house with one more bedroom etc. The truth of the matter is you just 'know' deep down when you want a baby and that is the right time.



    I have 2 children, Thomas is 2 1/2 and Hannah is 13 months. Myself and H2B had been together only 2 months when we started TTC. We just knew it was right and what we wanted so we went for it despite the frowns and disaproval from family and friends image it's not been easy - it's a huge strain on a relationship - both pregnancy and having children but you get through it. We were financially secure but unfortunately I was made redundant after my maternity leave with Thomas, it was tough but you make it work no matter what - some things you just can't plan for or foresee. I'm now a SAHM and if I'm honest I'm desperate to get back into work in some form but I now find myself in the position where it wouldn't be worth me going back to work to cover the childcare costs we would have as a result.



    If you both want to TTC then go for it, you'll wait a long time for the 'right' timeimage



    xx
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    Thank-you Debs5981 and all the other beautiful ladies that took the time to reply here and share your thoughts and advice.



    It seems that I didn't have the chance to sit down and speak to my husband about my growing desire to begin trying for a baby like i said i would because as soon as he got in from a very long and quite bad day at work with his supervisor he told me that everything that he wanted began when he met me and that there was no-one else in this world that he wanted to start and have a family with, it had to be me or nothing at all. That was it, minds made up for both of us!



    So ladies me and hubby have officially joined the TTC club!!!!!



    I will see you all out and about in other forums no doubt but I just want to wish you all the very best of luck in everything that you do!!!



    Lot's of love and thanks!



    Michelle xxx
  • MrsTerry2BMrsTerry2B Posts: 98
    Aww Michelle what a lovely end to this thread!



    MrsHunt - I am so glad that I am not the only 'Lurker' on this message board. I get married in a year and I absolutely love the idea of ttc immediately. But when I think of it realistically it scares me so much - we to are not ready to give up popping to Tesco's at 11pm!



    I hope that I can make the right decision at the right time as it seems so many people have through this thread.



    I am very excited about the years to come!!



  • EllieKate83EllieKate83 Posts: 1,431
    Yay great news!



    Like you I just want to let things happen when they happen.



    Could be easier said than done tho!



    Good luck xx
  • rainbowatticrainbowattic Posts: 199
    I am a bit of a lurker on here, never posted before in the baby forum!



    Michelle - I feel the same, we are both 28, been married 2 years, together for 13 years(!!) and i am obsessed with. having a baby! We discussed it and decided to start trying in september after we get back from holiday, but I still have nagging doubts about whether its the right time.. we are better off than we have ever been, but still not loaded (compared to our families!), and are renting a 1 bed flat, but trying to buy somewhere in the next few months, which is also worrying me as I'm not sure how i'd cope with moving house/doing DIY, commuting from brighton to london and being pregnant! also I only started my job last december and I really really love it, and I know i just would not be able to keep working there after having a baby (i have a 1.5hr commute each way)... am hoping i could work part time or from home though, but it's hard to know... emotionally/relationship wise we are soooo ready, just money and job stuff to worry about..arggghhhhh not sure what to do!



    That's really exciting that you've decided to start trying, maybe i should just go for it too and hope everything will fall into place!!



    Good luck to everyone trying image
  • SteampunkbrideSteampunkbride Posts: 1,748
    I was never broody. I enjoyed my own time and space to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Go out, stay in bed, tescos at 2am.

    I'd always wanted to do the Everest base Camp trek so I finally booked for March last year to celebrate (prematurely) my final year at uni (I was a mature student).



    Then one day, 6 weeks into a new relationship, my period was late. Really late. And so the choice, the dilemma, to have children or not, was taken out of my hands. I was delighted, terrified, over the moon and p!ssed off all at the same time. I waited until 4 weeks before departure for Nepal to cancel my dream trip. I didn't want to give it up but knew I couldn't risk being at high altitude so far from medical help.



    As it turned out, my pregnancy ran smoothly, textbook. No problems. I went into labour 4 days early. I planned a homebirth but after 2 hours of pushing they took me into hospital and baby arrived within 20 minutes of getting there. But still, only an 8 hour labour.



    And it was, he is, the best thing ever in the world to have happened to me. He'll be one next month and he is the absolute love of my life. It is difficult, it is hard, some nights lasted forever, but I'd do anything for him. If h2b had thrown up all over himself and the bed at 2am and left me to clean it up I would have been so p!ssed off, but for my little boy I just wanted to make it all better and take the nasty sick and hurty tummy away.



    When you become a mum all sorts of things happen, you find a selflesness you never knew you had, a patience that would put a saint to shame and a love so unconditional you never would believe it could exist. But it does.



    And as for Everest base camp? He'll be 8 years old when I take him with me image



    (I graduated from uni 6 weeks before the birth and I'm marrying his daddy, by the way)
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    Firstly MrsTerry2B - trust me the year to your wedding will fly by and before you know it your big day will be tomorrow!!! I myself am not 100% content with loosing the freedom to go out randomly at midnight to see Harry Potter (as me an hubs did the other night)or go out wherever we want, whenever we want because we can BUT on the other hand I have never felt more ready, more secure and i'm happier than I've ever been in my entire short existence of 25 years!!! I have been with my husband for nearly 9 years, married for 2 in October and I just never imagined that it was possible to love someone more each and every day but i do with him. When the time is right for you - you will know it I PROMISE!!! Good luck with your Wedding Planning!!!



    Rainbowattic - me and hubby had originally decided to put the baby talk to one side and come back to it after our holiday in October. Then I was going to approach him and suggest the 'a week trying, a week not' aspect and reading my last post never got the chance. We have decided that we are smack bang in the category of NTNP (Not TRYING, Not PREVENTING) and so far it's been really fun! Were laughing ang giggling and cannot take the smiles off our faces!! Were not loaded (but live in hope!) Hubby commutes to manchester every day and i work insane shifts as a carer, but when and if baby comes along we will change our lifestyle for them because nothing will be more important. There will always be reasons to put off starting a family. I went to visit a very dear friend yesterday who has an 8 week old baby boy and she told me that he is the best thing that she has ever done, forget work, forget money, forget friends, everything she needs lies with her beautiful baby boy (and fiance). As i've said to MrsTerry2B - you will know when the time is right for you!



    Steampunkbride - Love your story!!! And a very happily ever after ending - LOVE IT! And a very Happy 1st Birthday to your baby boy if we don't speak before then!!!



    Michelle xxx
  • rainbowatticrainbowattic Posts: 199
    Ah thanks for the reply, it's made me feel better, haven't spoken to anyone about how I've been feeling so it's good to share and also to know I'm not the only one! I think we will also go into the category of NTNP! I'm going to speak to hubby about it again tonight and hopefully we can start on holiday! I feel really excited about it, I can't wait to be a mum I've wanted to for soooo long. I think about babies every day it's getting ridiculous how broody I am! I'm starting to realise there will never be a perfect time and things do have a way of working out, like you say, you adapt. I am lucky to have a very happy and strong relationship and i know my hubby will make such a brilliant dad. image good luck and let me know when it happens!
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    Rainbowattic, I spoke to hubby first as I wanted to find out if we were on the same page, once we discovered that we are about 90% that we wanted to start a family I decided to speak to my mum, who else was best to talk to than the person that had been through it all?! She was really supportive and said that it is hard and stressful and tiring and some days you just don't know how you will cope....but you do and the love you feel for that tiny person is overwhelming. My mum was 20 when she had me and had no support from family or friends, it was me and her against the world - and we survived. We will have support in abundance!!! Our baby will have a mum and dad that love them, two sets of grandparents and great-grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and a wealth of friends that will support us and love them too!



    That gives me comfort and tells me I can do this!!



    Michelle xxx
  • rainbowatticrainbowattic Posts: 199
    Yes we are so lucky to both have supportive families and friends so I'm sure it will all be ok. Spoke to hubby last night again as we had previously talked about maybe starting to try on our September holiday and he said he thinks we should definately do it ! Very excited. Only 6 weeks to go and then finally it will be time! I was a bit surprised as I thought he'd say we should wait until we've bought a house (which we are trying to do at the moment), but it feels so right so we're gonna go for it! Can't wait for my lovely little nephews to have a cousin to play with!
  • Hi,



    I'm 22 and had our daughter (planned) at 20, at the time we thought it was the best plan in the world, she came along in December 09, by March 10 I was pregnant again and had my son in December 10 - 1 year and 4 days apart.



    In hindsight we were sooooo not ready to have a baby - however we coped. When we got pregnant with my son although it was a shock and it has been very stressful, we feel so lucky and although you can have a lot of happy times together nothing will ever bring you joy like a child. There isn't a day that goes past without you smiling and laughing with pure heart warming love. My daughter is now 20 months and my son 8 months and they are complete opposite characters but I couldn't imagine my life without them and it brings an extra bond to our relationship.



    What I now love about having had my children is that I am lucky in the fact that I can wait another 5 years to have more, (I still want two more with the same gap again, i know i'm crazy) but basically moral of the story is.... if you are wanting more children and you are concerned about your age I would sit down and discuss with your hubby how many you are hoping to have/realistic gaps/how it will fit in with work/whether you have people around you to help as myself and h2b have no help whatsoever from any of our family which has been a big pressure. My daughter has only slept away for one night, no-one ever babysits etc. And then when you have the answers to those I think you will be able to decide what the right thing to do is image



    I hope thats helped! xx
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    That's great news rainbowattic!!! OH is more excited about the prospect of a baby than me now I think!! He's becoming abit 'fussy', keeps telling me to relax or take it easy and is calling me in work asking how everything is!!! God help me when I show him a positive stick - he'll go mental!!!!!



    Followurheart9 - what a lovely post! I have the same concern as I would like to have more than 1 child. Being an only child myself it was abit lonely at times, I had an abundance of friends but not the same as siblings. My husband has an older brother and they used to fight like cat and dog when they were younger but now they are really close and I would like my children to have the same relationship - always having some one there for them. Although may not have a choice on that as twins run throgh our family. They usually skip a generation....and guess whose turn it is!!!!



    Michelle xxx
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