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Please be nice ladies. I would like some unbiased opinions....

Hello Ladies, This is the 2nd time of posting this as last time i posted it in another area and some people were quite nasty. I hope I've not scared you off but Im in dilema and would like another view please.



The story so far.... Im 42 and getting married in 13 days. I have a 19 year old son and a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship.



My man and I have discussed starting a family and I've been really cruel and haven't been able to ultimately decide what is the best option for me. Can I just add that my man has no children.



I have considered all the options but swing between 2 degrees of selfishness.



Firstly, I would love a child with my hubby, Im incredibly broody, he would love children and would happily give up work to be a full time parent (I've worked very hard to get to where I am now and although I dont earn a large amount, my job is worthwhile and I love it, whereas he is on a tempory contract) he would be the greatest dad and his parents would be so happy.My sister and my children would be estatic, heck I would be estatic. I would be a so much more relaxed mum now, and the prospect of parenting with someone who actually wants to be there would be so great. The whole idea of being a parent again makes me smile, Im even considering "bumpability" in the new clothes Im buying. I've even got a bottom drawer on the go (although it is hidden)



However it would mean that we were parenting into our 60's and the dreams we both share would be put on hold. But we have so much to give and would be fabulous parents, we love each other and share the same values.



But on the other hand, if we had a child we wouldn't be able to do all the things we have planned, like traveling, music festivals, holidays, do the house up, we would be short of money again untill she was old enough to be self-sufficient enough for us to both be out working.



I so want to go and get my coil taken out but Im scared.It really is now or never, so we cant even enjoy a few years of married life before taking the plunge. Everyone I speak to has there own agenda, there own reasons to say what a great/not so great idea it is. This is why Im pouring my heart out on this site, maybe not the best way to go, but its really helped writing it down.



Ladies, Ive written this from the heart.... what vibes do you get from this incredibly long post?? (for which I apologise for)



many thanks for your time.

Claire xx



PS would it help if I mentioned that if she was a girl she would be called Emily Scarlet image
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Posts

  • MRS LILLERSMRS LILLERS Posts: 1,319
    I think you hve already made your mind up tbh.

    You want this baby, as much as it may disrupt your potential way of life. That is clear from the way you speak.

    Theres nothing stopping you from having a full life even with a child is there?!

    I say go for it, put fear aside. 60 is the new 40 after all image xx
  • MrsJonesMrsJones Posts: 305
    I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be then it will. Instead of questioning it too much you could have the coil taken out and see what happens. From being a member of the TTC thread for the last 8 months I know getting pregnant isn't an instant thing for a lot of people so you may find the decision is taken away from you.

    See how things pan out and enjoy your married life on the way. Hope the wedding goes well. x
  • mrspodmrspod Posts: 219
    have the coil taken out and if its ment to be it will be.
  • MrsKW2011MrsKW2011 Posts: 1,592
    I think it sounds like you really do want to have a child and are just having some last minute jitters what with the reality of it actually being able to happen.



    I dont personally see anything wrong with you having another child, it sounds like it would be given a fabulous life and lots and lots of love and attention, but ultimately, only you can choose as you have to make the right choice for you!



    Best of luck with whatever you decide, and hope you have a fantastic wedding xxx
  • shellycrook2bshellycrook2b Posts: 1,299
    I think it's pretty clear from your post that yes you are hesitant but that you want this baby so I say go for it.



  • tinainwidtinainwid Posts: 277
    This thread could have been written by me lol.

    I,m 42 I have 3 children aged 21, 16 and 10 from previous marrage.

    My H2B hasnt got children, he says he never met anyone he wanted to have kids with until now...

    I am in two minds also, what if we have a baby with downs? could we cope with this? My eggs are old even though I dont feel old, its not as easy to get pregnant at 42 and may not even be possible if my eggs are on the turn image

    We will be old parents at the school gates, would our child be embarrased? we wont be able to go out at the drop of a hat.

    These are all the things going around in my head but I know that my H2B would be a fantastic dad as hes so patiant with my 10 year old and it would be lovely to have a baby again, I love babies and been a mum but I,ve only just started to get my independance back I dont have to pack a bag up everytime I leave the house etc.. we can nip to the pub without much of a thought..

    I hope I havent taken over your thread but I can totally put myself in your position as we are the same age, I will add that I,m not taking any protection so I,m leaving it in the hands of fate and either way I,ll be happy, if it happens it happens and I wont allow it to take over my thoughts.

    It sounds like youve made up your mind as youve chosen a lovely name I,d say dont wait any longer as every month counts at our age.. Good Luck!



    Not long to your wedding so it could be a honeymoon baby!
  • roo10roo10 Posts: 722
    Hi,



    I'd say what some of the others say, have the coil removed & see what happens.



    Hope you have a fantastic wedding day



    Xx
  • chelb13chelb13 Posts: 458
    In my opinion...Life is too short, be happy in whatever you choose to do.



    All the best for the upcoming nuptuals and in whatever you decided.



    Chelb13 xxx
  • MRSWADE419MRSWADE419 Posts: 101
    I agree with a lot of the others on here...

    you sound like your mind is made up already and you just want some reassurance that you are making the right decision...thats not something you should be sorry for by the way, that is what these forums are for!



    I think you should go for it, see what happens, and if you are blessed with a beautiful baby then it was meant to be....



    Dont forget, you already have 2 grown up children who I am sure would not mind looking after the baby whilst you enjoy the odd festival or wicked weekend away with your new hubby! image



    Best wishes for your future! xx
  • I think you both know what you should do and it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks, us on here or a stranger in the street.



    I have a half-sister 17 years younger than me and i wouldn't change that for anything.



    I'd have the coil out and see what happens? If it's meant to be it will happen for you both. Let fate decide...



    Good Luck image
  • EllieKate83EllieKate83 Posts: 1,431
    From what you've written I think you'd regret not trying but if you do get pregnant I don't think you'd have any regrets once the baby is here.



    I would definitely have the coil removed and if it happens it happens and if not at least you have some positives to hang onto.



    Also wanted to say my husband was born when his mum was almost 41 (and she had 3 older children from a previous marriage) and I don't think it's made a massive difference to his upbringing. My parents had me at 25 and I don't feel that there is that much difference between them and my hubby's mum so I wouldn't worry too much about the age thing image
  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    Hi I don't think your age is an issue here. just one thing have you run the idea past your children you have to see their reaction? It may not be a problem but it is a consideration.



    While some of the things you said you were looking forward to may be put on hold for a few years they don't have to be that you don't get to do them. Which option is more important to you and your future husband?
  • MiaLeaceyMiaLeacey Posts: 1,184
    Just to put a different spin on things - I'm the child of a second marriage, I have older parents and older siblings. I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been part of such a family. I've always been smothered in love, always fiercely been proud of my parents, never embarrassed. I am so so glad I was born into such a situation.



    Go for itimage
  • mum2be2011mum2be2011 Posts: 1,172
    I think from reading your post you have already made up your mind. As others have said, you could look back one day and regret not having a baby but you will never look back and regret having a baby once they're here. I know where you're coming from with wanting to do other things but being a Mum is the most rewarding thing in the world as you will already know image good luck with what you decide and keep us updated! x
  • helentinkhelentink Posts: 976
    I agree with everyone else, this is something you'd clearly love - especially since you've picked a girls name already! Go for it, my mum had my little brother at a later age, and it's never been a problem. I know from experience that getting pregnant is a difficult thing ( 6 years for me, but bump's finally growing) but if you don't try, and see what happens, you will always have the "what if" thought in the back of your mind. xx
  • m0nkeym00m0nkeym00 Posts: 841
    I understand where you are coming from, even though I'm only 26. My mum remarried and had my sisters when I was 14 and my brother was 19.



    I love my sisters to bits, but tbh see them more as nieces because of the age gap. The youngest who is 10 is aunty to my 8 year old nephew which is strange. But on a whole it hasn't really bothered any of us. How do your children feel about it all?



    In terms of your age I will say one thing, see my mum bringing me and my brother up at a younger age then my sisters I saw a massive difference. She was a lot more exhausted with my sisters and didn't have the energy to all the things she did with me and my brother. Also her parenting style changed, she was a lot more relaxed with my sisters which hasn't necessarily been a good thing (10yr old is hell fire as she knows my mum will give in )



    A friend of mine us 42 and when she was in her early 20's told she couldnt have kids. Her partner is 60 and had children from a previous marriage, and grandchildren. She found out she is pregnant! The baby is a miracle and longed for. She is due in a few weeks. I'm sure it won't be easy for them but this child is so precious and no one can be grudge that.



    For me I think if its wanted and will be loved go for it, surely a child to older loving parents is better than one to a younger couple who don't really care. Like others say it sounds like you've made your mind up. X
  • clairerichclairerich Posts: 146
    Ok quick update while Man is in the bathroom...... I listened to all your words, and indeed agreed with all of you that I think I had made up my mind but needed it writing it down to clarify details. I totally agree that I would regret not trying so I phoned the Dr and they had an appointment at 8.10 the following morning!! I totally belive in fate and have ...... wait for it...... ok, Im rubbish at keeping secrets.... I had my coil out!!! Wow, cant believe someone else knows but please keep it a secret image



    I haven't told the man yet as dont want it to be bigger than the wedding for him, so I will tell him on our wedding night and Im doing my best not to even slightly posssibly fall before the wedding.



    Gosh, he's back.



    Got to go ladies, I will keep you informed.

    Wish us luck.
  • PeasnCarrotsPeasnCarrots Posts: 1,831
    I'd like to remind you that beautiful Emily scarlet may Come out with a penis! Dont pin your hopes on a certain sex... Apart from that, yes, it sounds like you're doing the right thing!



    Good luck!x
  • JacabeanJacabean Posts: 205
    What's for you won't go by you... Take a chance and live life as it happens.



    I'm sure you won't regret it, after all it's a new future you're planning :-



  • clairerichclairerich Posts: 146

    Hi Ladies,

    Just a quick update, sorry its been so long since my last post.

     

    Well, last time I said that I had had my coil out, then we had the wedding which was perfect, bless my man for his patience as there was no loving before the wedding.

    During our first dance I asked him if he would like to know about his wedding present, and I told him I had had the coil taken out, In the video you can actually see him kind of step back when I told him.

    Well the latest is ladies.... we took a pregnancy test last night and it was possitive!! We are having a baby! and we are so very very happy, but gosh, do I feel sick!

    Anyhow, just wanted to share.

    Claire xx

  • MrsKW2011MrsKW2011 Posts: 1,592

    Yay, Congratulations Claire image

    Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months xxx

  • Mrs BoundsMrs Bounds Posts: 1,311

    oh wow congratulations!! xxx

  • shellycrook2bshellycrook2b Posts: 1,299
    Wow that's fantastic congratulations. So happy for you both and what a fab memento on the wedding video!!!



    Take care of yourself xxx
  • mrsleggomrsleggo Posts: 807

    Congratulations Claire.

    And don't worry about being an old mum, I am 40 this year with a 2 year old and contemplating number 2. It is hard at times but still enjoyable!!!

    Dawn x

     

     

  • RRrr2011RRrr2011 Posts: 1,262

    Congratulations. That is wonderful news. Heres to a very happy and healthy pregnancy

  • Congratulations!!x
  • mummyfrenchmummyfrench Posts: 144

    Wow congratulations!  I'm a mum to older children and when my fiance and I got together we discussed having children as he had none.  The first month of ttc I got pregnant which was quite a shock as I'd expected it to take a while being 'older'.  We are now the proud parents of two little boys (4 and 2) and although we're exhausted most of the time, they are fabulous!  My df was 57 when the first was born and every day he says he can't believe how lucky he is to now be a dad.  My older children love the younger ones (most of the time!) and often come and babysit or play with them.  Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy image

  • MrsJonesMrsJones Posts: 305

    Clearly it was meant to be! image

    Congratulations. Really pleased for you and your hubby. xx

  • MrsH2128MrsH2128 Posts: 566

    Congratulations Claire! Clearly it was meant to be for you and your hubby and what a wonderful wedding gift for him! Wish you all the best in your pregnancy x

  • lbarr10lbarr10 Posts: 586
    Huge congratulations x
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