Adoption - thoughts

Hello, 

so yet another cycle has gone with no baby and hubs and I are going to be heading to the doctors. We were talking about what options we might have if we get the worst news. Part of me is really not keen on going down the route of assisted conception and adopting is appealing to me a lot more. Hubs is still unsure how he feels - he is more of a deal with it when it happens kinda guy.

for those of you who struggled, did you consider adoption? Do you know anyone who has? Would be keen to hear of any stories.

Posts

  • We have been ttc for over a year now twizbe, and I am having a few gynae problems the last few months. Have a hysteroscopy booked for next week and that has got me thinking what if it's bad news. I'm like you and think adoption might appeal to me more than assisted conception. I'm kind of in the mindset that if it's not meant to be etc. Hope fully it won't come to it that I need to consider it seriously. But am interested to see others opinions, experiences.

    fingers crossed it won't come to it for either of us xx

  • We've thought about this quite a lot and will def go that route if we have no luck getting/ staying pregnant. I reckon we'll give it another 18 months. A friend at work has just adopted and it was a long and stressful process so he said you definitely need to go into it with your eyes open. Hubby is quite keen so much so that even if we did have a child of our own we may well adopt as well.

  • I always thought that I didn't want to go through assisted conception when we first realised it wasn't to going to be straight forward for us, but actually when we got the ball rolling I didn't really think about not going through it. I haven't ever thought about adoption as I half had such faith in the treatment and half felt like I would be happy to accept that we wouldn't have children if it didn't work. to be honest I don't think I would have thought about adoption for a good few years after if we had been giveN the worst news or our treatment didn't work.i would have given myself time to come to terms with the fact we wouldn't be having a child we had created. 

    Anyway we ended up having ivf and from the first cycle I'm now 36 weeks, I'd say speak to the doctor, find out what the issues (if any) are and take it from there. We do know a couple who had problems and they adopted after unsuccessful ivf. They are a very happy family. Good luck to you both xxx

  • MrsJCMrsJC Posts: 2,204

    Natural conception was never a realistic possibility for us, and although we never talked about it in any detail, adoption wasn't something that appealed to either of us.

    This is hard to say without sounding offensive, so I hope anyone reading this take it in the spirit that it is meant, but I would really only want to adopt a baby, and the impression I have (rightly or wrongly) is that this is actually very difficult because social services need to attempt to keep the child with the family for as long as possible. Many older children who desperately need to find a forever family have behavioural issues that stem from having such a poor start in life, and I wouldn't have felt equipped to deal with that.

    What is is that doesn't appeal about assisted conception? I'm currently 11 weeks following successful IVF ICSI treatment, and I would be totally happy to share my experiences of our treatment, to give you more of an idea what is involved. Being totally honest, I have found being pregnant much, much harder than the actual treatment (which was a bit of a shock!), although to be fair, it's hubby that has the fertility issue, which does make things a bit easier on the female partner, from a medical point of view. 

    I would strongly recommend getting a diagnosis, letting it sink in, and then seeing what your options are. If you want to know more about adoption, I can recommend the Infertility forum that I also use - there is a large and active section on adoption, and I know many of the ladies there would be more than happy to talk to you about their choices and experiences. It is http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/

  • LolemLolem Posts: 959

    My thoughts are pretty much the same as mrsJC although I suppose it's possible  that may change if our IVF Icsi is not successful. We are just taking it one step at a time at the moment. We are dealing with what is happening now the rest we will think about later. 

  • MrsDMDaviesMrsDMDavies Posts: 1,794 New bride

    Hi MrsTwizbe, I think I remember you from wedding planning days about 4-5 years ago? I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and keeping everything crossed.

    We had male infertility and immediately from starting to ttc we knew natural pregnancy was very unlikely (male factor due to testicular cancer diagnosed shortly after our wedding). I found ttc very stressful and all-consuming, as we had no 'fun time' of just trying as we knew there was a problem from the outset. After 18 months of proper ttc we went down the ivf route. My husband and I are both scientists so ivf (icsi) was never an issue in our minds, but this is a really personal decision. The desperate internal desire for me to try absolutely anything to have my husband's child won hands down for me. By some miracle we fell pregnant naturally the week before I was due to start our first ivf cycle and am now 30 weeks. I honestly think it was the relaxation of knowing we were going to receive help that did it for us, it was the one month that I wasn't stressed about ttc as we had our ivf start date marked in the calendar. Our plan was to try multiple ivf cycles, followed by sperm donor and then finally adoption if none of the above worked. A child-free future was not an option for us and we were prepared for the long-haul, but our focus was to initially try everything to have our own child and this was a very easy decision for both of us as we're both very like-minded. I don't personally know of anyone who has adopted but applaud those that do!

    I think it's a very personal decision that only you and your husband can make, but I wanted to say that you have so many options out there and not to lose heart. Go to the doctors asap if you feel ready (as appointments/referrals can take time) and go from there. I'm not sure of how long you have been trying, but you have so many options open to you. My advice would be not to skip too far ahead in your mind, see if you receive an explanation and the options available will be very clearly explained to you. You will have time to discuss everything once you have a clearer picture of what is going on so try not to over-think things at the moment. Hard as it is, try to stay positive and take each step as it comes. You may well find that the solution is much easier than you are anticpating.

    I wish you and your hubby all the very best xx

  • BabyZebedeeBabyZebedee Posts: 2,421

    I always thought I'd prefer to foster than adopt, felt I could help more children that way.

    there are other options should the worst happen, using donors and surrogacy for example. Try not to get ahead of yourself. A year of TTC is not that long really and you may find there's no reason for it taking so long, you just need to relax. 

    if I recall you did have a chemical pregnancy a while ago didn't you? So chances are you will conceive naturally (probably as soon as you give up trying so hard). I know it's irritating, but surrendering to biology and not forcing it works for so many people - me included.

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    Hi, Thanks for replying ladies - not been on here much this week to reply. 

    Think assisted conception doesn't appeal because I feel a bit like 'if it does not happen naturally, then perhaps there is a reason and some thing we should not be passing on' Silly I know. 

    I spoke to a friend who is a social worker about it and she did say it is a really hard road to go down. 

    But you and hubs are all right - I need to stop trying to cross all the bridges before I come to them. Its the 'J' in me for sure. 

  • MrsJCMrsJC Posts: 2,204

    Hi, MrsTwizbe - I totally understand how you feel. Let me just tell you this, as someone that's been through IVF: the very first part of the journey is working out why it hasn't happened naturally. Most of the time, it's nothing that could be hereditary, but even when it is, there is a huge amount that can be done to avoid this happening. 

    It's a big step to take, and I understand that whatever you choose is daunting. We're all here if you ever need to vent/chat/commiserate.

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Hi MrsTwizbe, I haven't adopted myself but I was at a party last week of some friends, who have just adopted a beautiful 18-month old girl and 9 month old boy (siblings). The party was their adoption party as they had just heard it was all going through and they were completely over the moon. The children are absolutely gorgeous. I think anyone who chooses to adopt is truly a hero as it's a difficult road to go down - but my friends were saying that the process was worth it because of what they've managed to achieve and the two children that they've adopted.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very very best! x

  • Hi Mrstwizbe,

    I have been ttc for 18 months with no luck. I have pcos so rarely ovulate and my partner has below average count and mobility. I have been told there is still a good chance we will conceive but we will need fertility drugs or ivf to probably get there.

    I do think about adoption now and again and think would i go down that road if all else failed but i'm still unsure. I know it sounds selfish but i would only want to adopt a baby so i can experience raising a child from the beginning. Tbh i think if all else failed i would need to grieve for the dream of having my own child and see how i felt about adoption after i have come to terms with it.

    Good luck with whatever you decide x

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I would just like to add something about the subject of adoption as I know about this personally, but dont want to go into detail on here. Nationally there is a shortage of adopters and there are lots of children waiting to be adopted (including babies). Yes it's a long process but I know lots of people who have been able to adopt babies. I even know of one who had the baby placed with them immediately after birth, but that would depend on the circumstances. Unfortunately, the process can be quite long but that's because the process has to be very thorough. Im happy to speak to anyone privately about this issue but I would ask that you inbox me as I dont want to go into detail on here.

  • EllieKate83EllieKate83 Posts: 1,431

    I also want to add some personal experience of adoption. I was lucky to conceive my daughters quickly, but my aunt & uncle had issues conceiving & their daughter is an ivf baby. They adopted a 2 year old boy when she was 8. Yes, he had done behavioural issues but he's grown into a lovely boy & is no less a part of our family than his older sister. Both routes are hard but in different ways. I don't want you to be put off adoption as it's an incredible thing to do. I also have friends in a same sex couple who adopted a little girl of 20 months. Neither of them wanted to go down the assisted conception route. This has gone so well,they are so happy &their daughter has a lovely life. They've really brought her out of herself. It is a long process & very thorough but that's got to be a good thing. They do try really hard to matchthe child with the right family. 

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