Waiting.. How long??!


  • MrsHtobe2017MrsHtobe2017 Posts: 172

    My H2B said originally that we'd try on honeymoon (getting married in Feb & honeymoon in October) but we haven't bought a house yet. After a conversation with friends, I want to do that first as nursery fees are counted as a bank loan and so cut your mortgage offer. 

    Means kids are probably a good few year off for us yet 

  • Kate186Kate186 Posts: 92

    It is a really serious question but it doesn't sound like something you've avoided talking about, it also sounds like maybe you're quite a young bride and therefore don't need to rush into this?

    I really feel for you because you sound like my fiance. He's always known hes wanted kids where as there are many reasons I'm really nervous and scared about it and probably will never feel ready. We are going to have children I knew ages ago a future with him was a future with kids (he asked me on our first date whether I wanted them!) and I'm happy for that he's going to be a great dad.

    My best friend and her husband were in the same position as well - he adamantly did not want kids where as she did, they now have an adorable 2 year old and are fabulous parents.

    I think my main tip is to keep in constant dialogue about it, make sure he knows where you're coming from and you know all reasons he's nervous. I think my Oh forgot where I was coming from and that caused tensions until we talked it through. If you're great partners in life you'll be a great team when it comes to raising children you just don't need to rush into it.

    That's just my two pence - you're not alone in having differing views.

  • Marija2Marija2 Posts: 362

    I think in this situation you wait as long as you want, and the partner will adapt to it. In our couple I'm the one who doesn't want kids, and my H2B does. If it was my choice I wouldn't have one... But my partner loves kids, he's great with them and I would never want to stop him from having one.. 

    So we had a proper conversation last year and he said he would like to have a baby in 5 years time. AND HE'S COUNTING!!!! (which I hoped he wouldn't )... 

    But even tho I feel this way I do say things like 'once we have a baby...', 'when we have a baby...' And I really struggle to stop myself from saying something bad about kids(I work with them, and get to deal with all sorts), as I don't want to look like heartless person who is forced to have one... But I struggle with the whole 'think before saying thing'.  

    I'm dreading that now we are getting married and coming into our 30, the questions about the baby won't stop!! But at least we know where we are standing... together.

    Have a conversation, it's not as scary as you think. 

  • Jenni8Jenni8 Posts: 3,201

    I agree that you need to have this discussion with your husband. You are a team and this is a life changing decision for both of you, you need to know where each other is and where each other is coming from. 

    From his randomness, I would suggest that deep down he does want children, but definitely not yet. Have a relaxed conversation about it, but don't push him at all, that will only make it worse. 

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    It sounds like there are two conversations that you need to have - firstly whether he does actually want to have kids because it does sound like he's not really that sure - and only after that can you decide when you'd want to start trying. We've been married for nearly two years and hope to start soon but that was due to our own circumstances and there is no right or wrong time.

    Hope you get this resolved


  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • RedVelvetRedVelvet Posts: 1,297 New bride

    We waited until we were married, as our wedding was 6 months after I finished uni. We stopped preventing a few months before we got married, but only fell pregnant 3 months after. However we were both very clear on the fact that we wanted children, though I was way more desperate than hubby. But that's the time frame that suited us. We had been together for 4 years, recently married and in our own property. It was a good a time as any  

    Ive got to agree with the others though - you need to discuss this with you hubby. Definitely find out how open he is to actually having children in the future, and if he is quite set on no kids then you need to decide how important it is to you to be a mum, and if it came down to it which element you'd be more willing to sacrifice. Like Kitten2014 said - marriages between people who don't agree on the subject of children rarely last. 

  • SparkystarSparkystar Posts: 158

    Maybe I didnt write it as well as I could. I was on break on a shift from hell. We have spoken about it. It's not an unknown conversation! I was nearly wondering how long other people waited before having kids. And wondered if other people's ohs were the same when talking about it. 

    We're not sure if we can have kids. I wasn't trying to make it seem as though we didn't talk about it!

    sorry for  the confusion.

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    I already have 3 so I cant really comment on the waiting after the wedding thing! But it sounds like he does want them just not yet, and his automatic response is no when put on the spot. I take it youre keen to start trying which is maybe why hes shutting you down like that, just panic that youre ready and hes not.

    I would leave the subject for now, maybe plan a fun year to enjoy married life, date nights, trips away, doing up your house etc, and then approach it again.

    How old are you both? Men are alright and are fertile for ages but women start to lose fertility after 30odd and chances of a straightforward healthy pregnancy decline. from your wedding pics you both look young so not a concern, but it might be worth talking about this with him. If he wants to wait 6 years before one, and then wanted more what age gap would be ideal? How many kids? Would there realistically be enough time etc.

    Plans change of course or things work out differently but maybe he doesnt realise that there is actually a biological clock to work with! (Im assuming here that your mid 20s so say 30 odd if he wants to wait 6 years, then a 6 year age gap if you wanted another)

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555


    I think this is a perfectly reasonable thing to think about once you're married, especially if you didn't want children before your wedding.

    Personally, I think your H2B is being a tad far-fetched by saying 'six years and that's it'. A huge amount can happen in that time (although I know couples who have been married for five years and aren't ready for little ones yet!), but in the same breath, I can see where he's coming from. 

    My H2B and I aren't planning to start trying (even typing that scares me!) until 2018/2019. My career isn't in the right place, we have a bit of debt from our house move to shift and we want a few more adventures together first! However, I do like putting a 'time' on it personally. It's just how my mind operates - I think I would plan my life on a spreadsheet if it was acceptable! x

Sign In or Register to comment.