Waiting to try

Sara1992Sara1992 Posts: 1 New bride
edited 4 June in You & Your Baby
Hi! I’ve been lurking for a little while, so thought I’d start this thread to see if anyone is in the same position.

We’re getting married in June 2020 and, although we’re really broody, we’ve decided to wait until after the wedding. I’ve found myself getting really tearful about the thought of waiting another year (and then not knowing how long it will take to conceive), so hoping other people feel, or have felt, this way and that I’m not just crazy!

I’m really trying hard for this not to take over my life, or to take from away the excitement of wedding planning, but would love to hear from those in a similar position so I know I’m not alone :) 

Sara x

Posts

  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 822 New bride
    Sara, I was in exactly your position till we got married last December. I desperately wanted a baby, but when we got engaged my now-husband and I decided to wait until we were married. There was loads of factors in play, including me trying to get a promotion, trying to finish my masters, and us wanting to buy a property rather than staying in our rented flat, but also I didn't want the uncertainty of possibly being pregnant or having a breast-feeding child at the wedding. By the time I got the Masters and promotion, we reconsidered, but being only ten months from the wedding we decided to keep waiting.

    It's very tough, especially when friends around you start popping sprogs and you really want to join them, but you know it's better to stay strong.

    But there are things you can do for Project Baby without actually ttc, for instance, coming off birth control, cutting down on alcohol or caffeine if you have a lot, losing weight if you need to, making sure you have a healthy diet and exercise routine, reconsidering your finances if they're tight, etc.

    I must admit, sometimes the longing for Baby did overtake my interest in wedding planning. I just wanted it over so we could get going! But it also adds a whole other element of excitement to the wedding day as that is the day you don't just get married but literally start being a family by trying for children. You're going to be showing photos of that day to your children, who might be born nine months later!

    Unfortunately for me, we've been married six months now, and still no sign of a pregnancy, so with hindsight it wouldn't have mattered anyway, but you just don't know that till you start trying!
  • MrsMannionMrsMannion Posts: 1,228 New bride
    I totally understand where your coming from, we got married in 2016 aboard so we thought have a holiday in 2017 as our honeymoon because we had ppl with us the whole time ion roads, but everywhere we picked had zika virus so we thought we will go and waiting the recommended six months so that would take us to 2018, sadly my husband dad passed away 2017 and we had to help so financially we couldn't afford the holiday as well so we needed to make a choice and we but the holiday bank a year and went to Costa rica in 2018 and start trying for a baby 2019, I am pregnant now, as much as I was gutted that the plans for a baby moved back and wa  really hard because I work with children see babies everyday  it was the right choice in the end cuz when would I next have chance to go to Costa rica like we did. So as much as it killed me at the time it's worked out for the best x
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    I'm in the same boat, although i think at the moment my desire to start a family doesn't sound as urgent as yours, its there. 

    We are getting married next year, and are having the same issues/debates about honeymoon and the zika areas too. When it comes to that, i say i don't want to wait and deal with all that, but i know i need to do a lot of work on self improvement before i'm ready for a family. I'm trying to focus on just what i can do to be a better person, so that hopefully if it happens i can then be a better mother too. 


  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Is there a reason you feel you need to be married before you have a baby? You just have to prioritise your life in an order that suits you.

    We didn't meet until our late 20s, so for us the priority after 4/5 years was have a baby, then buy a house, then get married. We reasoned that there's a time limit on babies and mortgages but we can get married any time, and we already knew we were fully committed without the government giving us a certificate saying so.
    Several people I know have waited a long time to try for a baby as they wanted to be married first - simply because 'it's the done thing' or they or their parents were a bit judgy about having children outside of marriage. Sadly several of them have had trouble conceiving as they've left it quite late and I was really worried about that as my mum had an early menopause, so for us babies was the priority. My uncle and aunty left it a bit late and it didn't happen for them and they've always regretted it.

    Don't get me wrong, it would be far easier planning a wedding and honeymoon child free, but our son is our life, the wedding is just one day.
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 405 New bride
    We waited until marriage to ensure that we had the legal and official stability as well as the personal security. That was us prioritising our life in a way that suited us. I wanted us all to have the same name, and yes my mum wouldnt have been happy if we got pregnant first ( my father has passed away) but shes not 'judgey', just traditional. 

    I came off birth control a good 6 months before we started trying, and took that time to get to know my cycles and my body. I cut out caffeine and alcohol a couple of months before we started trying and we caught in our third month. I am very glad we waited. To me a wedding is the start of a life together as a unit, not just a day, and it was nice to be married for a while before we became a family. 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Our decision to wait was more from a financial standpoint too - we were aware if we had a child first we probably wouldn't be able to afford a wedding, or not at least one like we wanted, so we are more thinking that the time before we start TTC is going to lots of saving, and making sure any big spends are done (wedding, house renovations ect).

    I'm also hoping in the waiting time ill be able to find a better job, one with some maternity benefits. 
    I know its silly to put things on hold and you cant assume it will happen easily, but i also think theres a lot to be said for just making sure you're in the right position, which unfortunately we just aren't. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    edited 5 June
    We waited until marriage to ensure that we had the legal and official stability as well as the personal security. That was us prioritising our life in a way that suited us. I wanted us all to have the same name, and yes my mum wouldnt have been happy if we got pregnant first ( my father has passed away) but shes not 'judgey', just traditional. 

    I came off birth control a good 6 months before we started trying, and took that time to get to know my cycles and my body. I cut out caffeine and alcohol a couple of months before we started trying and we caught in our third month. I am very glad we waited. To me a wedding is the start of a life together as a unit, not just a day, and it was nice to be married for a while before we became a family. 
    I'm not sure why you've taken such offence, I've got no judgement or care for what anyone else does - we just did what was right for us, as did you. We'll never have the same name anyway as I'm keeping mine.

    The friends I was specifically talking about are 'judgey' about our son being born outside of marriage. If your mum wouldn't approve then by definition she is making a judgement.
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 405 New bride
    I said she wouldn't be happy, I didn't say she wouldn't approve. 
    The OP was asking for people with experience waiting, not for people to question that decision or put forward scare mongering stories about people who took a long time to conceive or people who it didn't happen for. 
    I said I wanted us to all have the same name, I didn't say anyone else should. Not that you care what anyone else does or anything!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    That literally makes no sense  - if she did fully approve of you having a baby before marriage then why would she be unhappy?

    I was just putting forward another point of view - which is that if you are so desperate for a baby that you are in tears over it, then maybe the right thing for OP is to reconsider the plan her and her fiance have made. People are allowed to alter their future plans if their feelings change about things.

    I do have experience waiting - I wanted a baby for about 7 years before TTC. Saying I wanted to try by a certain age isn't scaremongering, my mum had to have a hysterectomy and go through early menopause at 35, so it was just the right thing to do for me as I have the same medical condition she did. If people don't have similar issues in their family it won't apply to them.

    Anyway OP, my point stands - do what is right for you and your fiance, and your current situation.
  • Laura812Laura812 Posts: 157 New bride
    Hi @Sara1992 I'm in a similar boat. We got married in November, and I came off the pill at the end of Feb. We're not actively starting to try until autumn/winter as I don't want the pressure of trying to get my body straight AND starting to TTC all at the same time. I felt that if I added in that stress then I might never get a normal cycle sorted. 
    We didn't want to start trying until we were married, it was always buy a house, get married and then start trying once things have calmed down a bit. It's frustrating though because I definitely feel ready now (even if there's plenty of sensible reasons to not try for a bit!)
  • MrsPB2019MrsPB2019 Posts: 728 New bride
    I was super broody before my wedding but my husband said we should wait until after from a financial standpoint. Now I’m also glad we did wait because we got married in April and I found out I was pregnant in May. Don’t assume it will take ages, I thought the same as I’m 32 but now I appreciate how lucky I am that it happened quickly for us. I can look back and be happy that I got to drink alcohol and enjoy my wedding and minimoon. I definitely wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much if I felt as I do now with these wonderful pregnancy symptoms.
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 405 New bride
    It makes perfect sense. She wouldnt express happiness but would accept it. To approve is to accept. There are many reasons she wouldnt be happy, none of which I'm going to go into. I didn't say you wanting to try by a certain age was scaremongering, "Sadly several of them have had trouble conceiving as they've left it quite late .... My uncle and aunty left it a bit late and it didn't happen for them and they've always regretted it." is. She said shed love to hear from those in a similar position so she doesnt feel alone. Not sure where there she was asking for alternative opinions or to have her original decision questioned. 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    @Samantha265 I dont think thats scaremongering, its just another point of view and someone explaining why if you really want to start a family why wait? 
    So many of us, especially when dealing with the stress of planning a wedding, can get caught up in things being done "just so" and it can easily be forgotten that actually if you want to have a family and that's a big deal to you, you don't need to wait for a wedding day to be over. 

    I found MrsCtoBee's input to be really helpful, and a nice reminder we don't have to live by checking off boxes.

    And although it may not be the exact information the OP asked for, its ALWAYS good to be reminded that these things don't just happen for all of us. Too often struggles with TTC aren't spoken about, so when the time comes and it doesn't happen right away the stock response is "there's something wrong with me". The more conversations that can be had given an honest and real view the more we can all realise what to actually expect. 
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 405 New bride
    Ok, so this is now a conversation about struggling to conceive. I think I'll step away before the OP is totally hijacked. 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Ok, so this is now a conversation about struggling to conceive. I think I'll step away before the OP is totally hijacked. 
    It isnt at all, but its ignorant to ignore it. No one was pushing this thread to that at all but a few comments to the OP just offering that it doesn't have to be wedding then baby are just opening up dialogue in a situation where OP may not have looked at it in that way before. 
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 405 New bride
    I assume shes a grown up and is aware that you can have a baby before marriage, but she has chosen not to.

    One of the few threads I've ever posted was to ask how long in advance I should come off birth control before starting to try, from experience of others uses of that form of contraception, and I basically got a response saying you shouldnt wait, start to try now, as your fertility is decreasing since turning 30 so it might take a long time. As if I would make a decision like that based on the opinion of internet strangers!

    I see over and over again on this forum people not actually giving advice but just using the opportunity to tell their story, or push their agenda. In this case I dont feel its necessarily right to 'warn her' of people who took a long time to conceive, or to question her original decision to wait until after marriage! She doesnt need us to tell her that surely. I just dont think that's our place but that's just me.
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    I'm just going to bypass the comments above give you my thoughts.

    I completely understand where you're coming from. By the time we get married we'll have been engaged for 3 years which is longer than either of us had really anticipated but financial stability (or lack thereof) and several other factors meant we couldn't really start planning a wedding. During this time, a few of our good friends and their partners were having children - some married, some unmarried. I've always really been looking forward to starting a family to the point where I was getting teary hearing about other people getting pregnant (it seemed to be 3 friends in as many weeks that called us to tell us).

    H2B didn't really want to start a family then as he's a bit traditional and wanted to feel like he could properly provide for our family before we had a baby but insisted that if I was dead set on it, that we could start TTC. Once I got over my hormones and my emotional response to the topic, I could clearly see why it wasn't the best idea for us at that time. 

    Instead, we got our sh*t together financially and booked the wedding. We figured (no shade to anyone doing it the other way round!), that this would probably be our last chance to be completely selfish and spend as much as we wanted on a wedding. If we had a baby/child, I know our wedding would be very different because we just wouldn't have been able to justify spending as much as we have when there's a child to consider, look after and pay for. From our point of view (again, no shade to people doing it the other way around), our day would be easier to enjoy if we weren't having to run around a toddler or potentially be breast-feeding a baby or even just making sure someone else was watching our child. 

    But that's just us and what was the best decision for us. I personally wouldn't want to be TTC with only a year to the wedding as depending if/when you fall pregnant, you could potentially be ready to pop on your wedding date. Not to say that your wedding plans couldn't be rearranged if that were the case but just saying it's not what I'd do.

    In short though, only you and your fiancé know what is best for you and you have to base your decision on that.  
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