Hubby not ready yet!

I got married in November last year but have wanted kids since about 5 years ago. I really wanted to start trying as soon as we got married but hubby doesn't. I'm gutted really, and he knows I am but he is insistent. I feel like I am getting old (i'm 25, i know that might not seem old but i wanted them when i was 21 so it seems it to me) and I feel like I have waited for long enough. We were together 6 and a half years before we got married and he has known since I started wanting them that I wanted them. It's all a bit complicated because we have other issues (like his visa to stay here expires in April and last time it took 2 years to get it sorted out, which meant 2 years with our lives on hold as we couldn't plan for anything cos they don't tell you how long it will take). The problem with the visa is I don't want to put my life on hold again for another two years. I was engaged for nearly 6 years before I got married and I don't want to have to wait as long for kids. He has all these reasons like we can't afford it (but I think we can), and that he wants us to be more stable (we're both working and we have lived in the same flat for 5 years), etc etc. Last night we had a huge fight about it cos we were watching the baby borrowers and he thinks the woman should do most of the looking after (which I don't mind), so I said if it was me looking after them why can't I choose when to have them? It ended up in a horrible slanging match which has ended up with him saying some things that he can never take back which have deeply hurt me. We had the discussion about kids before we got married but I feel that he is backing away from it. He said he would be happy for the baby to be born next spring (2009). I've tried explaining that we probably won't conceive straight away but he would rather wait and have it later than start and have it earlier. I feel a bit stupid because I could have guessed this would happen. He doesn't want one as much as I want one. I have tried to back off and leave it for a while (that's why it's now January!) but it's still just a flat no and no discussion for him. I want to leave it for a while and try and live newlywed life, enjoying holidays etc, but because of the visa pressure I can't really plan anything else to distract myself. It's all a bit complicated but it comes down to I'm ready he's not. I don't know what to do anymore but it's really upsetting me that he is really not interested.

Any advice would be gratefully received, even if it's along the lines of there's nothing you can do till he's ready. I'm just feeling stuck really.


  • I can't give any advice, but I do know how you feel. I wanted babies for ages, and my husband was never ready. I found the best way for me was to back off, he didn't like me going on about it, and drop very subtle hints so he knew I hadn't changed my mind, I was just taking the pressure off. We got married in October, and he has now decided he wants children, but feels he has come to this decision himself.

    Another thing was that he didn't grow up around babies, so was/is really wary of them. Can you volunteer for some babysitting duties and see how he copes with that?

  • ravioligraviolig Posts: 158
    hi mrsmc, i used to babysit for my sis which is really what started it all. I spent a whole summer looking after one of her kids while she was working and then a few weekends with the other while her and her hubby went on well deserved rest treats. He is from a big family so has a lot of nieces and nephews himself, but is not really a baby kind of a person. If I have supernanny on or something he hates it and makes me change the channel. I tried backing off a bit but its not worked so i got frustrated and started again. I suppose I'm trying to push him and it really isn't working but its so hard to wait.

  • Oh honey, that sucks image Surely though, now you're married, there shouldn't be too much of a problem with his visa?

    I have wanted babies since about the time I knew hubby and I were going to be together always. He wanted to do everything properly i.e. get engaged, then get married, then have babies (as did I). We talked before our wedding (last September) about what we would do, and we planned to start trying straight after the wedding. Then I moved to Germany - he'd been working here for a while beforehand). We decided (reluctantly for me) that as we'd be here till May we didn't want to start trying straight away, so we worked a few things out and came up with a date to start trying that suited us both. I came off the pill after our honeymoon, spent 3 months taking folic acid and using other contraception, and then 2 days before Christmas (we'd decided New Year) he just gave me this look and we started trying there and then! (sorry if TMI!)

    I think it is a good idea to have some discussion about this, and think of a time when you both think will be good. He is being a bit unfair if he said you could start straight after the wedding and is still saying no! If he is happy for a baby to be born next Spring (March-May) then you should be hoping to get pregnant June-August. See if you can talk to him and point that out. Maybe you can agree a starting time for TTC?
  • ravioligraviolig Posts: 158
    with the visa i'm not worried that we won't get it (well not a lot!!) but it's just last time it took 2 years and they had his passport so he couldn't leave the country or anything. there are some problems these days cos there are a lot of people doing fake marriages so i think they are looking into them more therefore taking longer, also we got married in barbados so im a bit worried that will go against us.

    i've tried talking to him calmly but it only ever ends in a fight. he is trying to be sensible but i think a bit selfish too. im a bit too emotional about it all i think but its hard to get away from it. i think i will leave it a month or so and then start a nice talk.
  • If you worry you are too emotional to talk about it, why not chat by email or something? You can take time out to think about what you really want to say, without your emotions taking over.

  • ravioligraviolig Posts: 158
    i know it sounds silly and perhaps i am making hubby come across as a big meanie (even though i think he is) he hates me writing stuff down instead of talking about it. x
  • Is your hubby the same age as you? Just wondered as I think sometimes it takes the male of the species a bit longer to come round to the idea of being a grown up - and especially a parent! Maybe try asking him to set aside some time to talk about this issue calmly, and when you've got time to discuss how you're both feeling.

    It sounds to me like you've got a strong relationship that's survived for a long time, so I'm sure you'll sort this out. I reckon he just needs time to come round to the idea - and the space to think that the idea is his own!! Men seem to respond well to that one in my experience!

    Good luck, and I hope you work it out soon...
  • furballukfurballuk Posts: 603
    I would'nt worry too much. i got married in may 07 and my hubbie is slowly very slowly coming round to the idea, when i ask him when i should come off the pill, he says when i am ready!!! very helpful i know...but if you would have asked him a yr ago he would have said "not yet" however i still do not think he is ready now....we have been together 11 years now i am now 28 and hubbie is 34...when i ask him why hes not that bothered he says he is frightened of the responsibility! and likes to hand the kids he looks after back at the end of the day..if that makes sense...however he says he does want a child, but to be honest i dont think anyone can be as scared as hubbie, unless anyone out there can convince me ????? and the worse thing is he is great with children they are like a magnet to him and i work with kids all day long and do not get as much attention....I a ma getting to the stage though that i have always said i dont want to get to 30 without any....also have added pressure of freinds and family saying ...."oh you will be next!" has anyone else been in this situation before or am i the only one?
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