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What Am I Doing?! - April 2020/2021 (A Tale Of Two Weddings)



  • WOW, that is a gorgeous dress.  Do you think adding in the lace/floral detail of a topper would work with the overall style of your wedding?  If you think it will, the dress would def accommodate one. No issue there.

    I'd say if you go for a unique veil, I'd skip the topper, but if you go with a more traditional veil (or none at all) a topper would be a fine addition. If you're really undecided, you could always wear a topper and traditional veil for the ceremony, and then mix it up by removing the topper and adding a more unique veil for the reception.

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    MrsCToBee said:
    I forgot how stunning your dress is! My friend's dress had a similar skirt with a lace top if that helps, I'll PM you a pic later.
    Oh fab thank you! 

    I'm currently drowning in about 300 pics on my phone and 200 ish on pinterest of soooo.many.ideas i cant actually picture anything at all. 

    I've sent you a PM.
    Haha! I think I'll end up adding lace straps as I have a lace bodice already so might look weird if I put a lace topper over it - but at the same time I want more coverage! Going to see what seamstress can do on monday!
  • Thanks everyone! I'm going to make an old school mood board I think and play around, see what looks like it might work, but I still don't know that i can be bothered to make something from scratch. That is unless I sit with my aunt again and she makes it all seem mega easy (which it is for her) and I can actually form a single idea. I think i'm just going to send a few pictures out to my sister and my aunt and see what they can come up with, because I know they will both tell me to chill out focus on one item at a time and they're both really arty, so hopefully will help me draw ideas out! Hopefully I can show you some actually formed ideas soon!! 

    If i'm not back on here after the weekend though, I have probably gone on the run for killing M. 

    After ALL THE HASSLE about the bloody BBQ and even nearly cancelling the whole venue for it.....M decided a roast might be lovely instead.  :#

    You have to be f***ing kidding me. 

    It's a good thing he's really lovely in basically every other way. I think he could tell from my death glare that we were having a BBQ now whether we want one or not haha. 

    We had our menu tasting though (just the generic one) and another day of me going "I regret everything I hate the venue" but I will do a write up in the next few days. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    I'm laughing, but it's only funny because it's not my fiance! How infuriating!
  • Menu Tasting
    It was a little different to what we expected, with all courses being served as though they were canapes. The food itself was lovely (minus the fondant potatoes - pretty sure they aren't meant to be solid!) But there was something off with the whole feel of the event. 

    I couldn't help but feel a little dejected. The new coordinator didn't speak to us once, and I know there were lots of people but a few times she was speaking to a couple near us and the she walked right past us without even a glance. 
    M is much more forgiving but I felt a bit ignored really. In fact noone from the venue other than the young servers actually said anything to us at all, until we left. 

    My main gripes apart from this was the fact it was totally standing, which was really awkward when you have the menu in one hand, a drink in the other, and then because it's all being served as canapes you basically are just hawk eye all night making sure you get to try a bit of everything (which we didn't - it really was quite stressful trying to get to it all) and then it's so hard to eat when you're juggling everything. I get why they did it, it just wasn't a relaxing evening.
    There was also no water anywhere, or soft drinks at all and if you wanted to try wine you had to que at the bar, so it meant even asking for water took an age and then you risk missing out on the food still going g around. It's a really warm Venu (another thing we need to address) so it really wasn't great they didn't just have pitchers of water at the side of the bar or anything. 
    I know it's all teeny things but they effect the enjoyment.

    I'm hoping our private tasting is more chilled out! 

    Anyway, the food was great! Due to juggling it all I didn't get many photos but below gives a bit of an idea 😁

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    The food does look lovely, but it really does seem that your venue need to work on their customer relations a bit more! I would have thought the coordinator should have at least said hello and welcomed each couple as a basic.
  • Yeah i think shes just very black and white, even when she was greeting everyone as a group and explaining how it would work it was just "Welcome to Milling Barn. Canapes will be served in here and then we will all go through next door for mains. Wine tasting is available at request on the bar" 

    No fluffing it up, no "i hope you're all so excited, please ask if you have any questions" shes just very blunt and to the point, which i'm sure is helpful, but i like people with a bit of personality to them! I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was stressed, as it was the first tasting evening shes run at that venue and with a new caterer as well.

    If she is just naturally robotic, well thats fine, she can do her job and ill bring all the personality! 
  • Happy birthday to me!! 
    The universe gave me a little present - I was able to work from home for the first time ever!! Granted it was because the office was no longer remotely watertight, but still!

    Very happy to have kept my work free birthday streak for the full 28 years 🎉

    I have nothing wedding related to input, Im just excited it's my birthday haha. 
  • Red_LHRed_LH Posts: 21 New bride
    edited March 2019
    Happy Birthday

    Our venue has changed wedding planners twice since we booked and we're currently now again with the one who manages things in between planners... I'm really also over having to explain everything to the new people when they come in every few months and its draining to get to know and like the new ones only for them to leave and start the process all over again!!
     They're a new venue so we've given them the benefit of the doubt over wrong info and pricing mistakes etc but I also have meltdown moments where i just wonder if I booked the right place, maybe I would have these moments whichever venue we booked!

    The food looks so good though!! 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    Happy birthday CDA!! 
    Also was that you I spied on a certain facebook page having a dress crisis? No need, you look AMAZE!!
  • CharleahCharleah Posts: 248 New bride
    Happy birthday lovely! X that food looks fab 😋 
  • MrsCToBee said:
    Happy birthday CDA!! 
    Also was that you I spied on a certain facebook page having a dress crisis? No need, you look AMAZE!!
    Oh my god!! That was me! Oh i love it when worlds collide! Feel free to add me if you want haha. 

    Thank you, i just had such a panic because prior to any dress buying M had pulled at face at the kind of dress i have gone for, and basically joked about how UN-me it is. I of course joined in because i thought id never be caught dead in something like that, but that's what happens when you have expectations without trying anything on first! Everyone was so lovely so i do feel a lot better about it, and he knows i do what i want anyway so even if he isn't keen hes used to it! I do slowly feel like i'm building more of an idea of my over all look which is really helping too. 

    @lucy414 - that sounds like such hard work! I'd have given up by now and have a master document that i just send to each new person that covers everything, i hate wasting time going over things! Crossing everything that it settles down soon, but i do think with such an emotionally charged event there would be worries wherever you booked <3

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride
    Ha CDA I saw that too! FWIW I adore the dress. And no, they aren't ruffles ;) 

    Happy birthday x
    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,515 New bride
    edited March 2019
    Thank you! 

    Rant Ahead

    Am i being really controlling or is it ok to ask to see the speeches beforehand? I personally thought this was a bit of a given, and maybe not exactly the very final version, but i had in my head that i could check the best mans, and M could check the maid of honours....but when this came up with M and my sister she made out like i was a serious control freak! I know shes probably trying to wind me up, but it didnt help when i said a wedding speech isnt a time to roast someone so i want to make sure they're appropriate she said thats exactly what a speech is for.... 

    I know she loves me, but i do think her social cues can be a little off and what she thinks is funny i will find mortifying, and after spending my entire school years being made to feel so small i just dont want to be worrying about it on my wedding day, forgive me for wanting to feel special and confident. 

    Is there any way i can tackle this without just coming across as more of a control freak? My initial reaction was fine - you wont do a speech for me then, but my Dad is unlikely to do one (hes seen me for 2 weeks in 15 years ish so not sure what he could have to say about me...) but its just backing up the feelings i had of why i was so desperate to elope. 

    I know all families are hard, but im starting to dread it. On Monday it was my Great Uncles funeral, he was my dads uncle but my Mum wanted to come along and the whole time i just felt like i was on watch for her, making sure she didnt say anything inappropriate (luckily the worst she came out with was the time she stuck her foot in it with said uncles obvious wig) but it just felt cringey. 

    As a brief run down, this is why im worried:
    -My sister strongly dislikes our mum- she would say hates but i cant bring myself to. This sister also has no filter and can be a little rude/offensive without realising (this is due to mental health issues)

    - My Mum and Dad havent had to be in a room together since my sisters graduation about 6 years ago, and then it was tense. They dont get on, their new partners hate the ex's, and they used to call the police on each other a lot so its VERY toxic.  

    - My mum gets weird when she drinks. On my first birthday with M we had a very uncomfortable dinner out after my mum (and I to too a degree) drank a bit too much, but my Mum then started talking about how she used to smoke weed and drink in between shifts in a hospital, how marrying my dad ruined her life, just general things you dont need to know about your mum... 

    - My mum can be a bit manipulative and guilt tripping, so im basically having to balance her, my sister, my friends (who dont all get on) and my aunt plus Ms mum and sister, to make sure they all feel involved and happy and enjoy events. 

    Hence why i think my current Hen Do plans involve me, alone, in a cabin with a hot tub, and a lot of Gin. 
  • This is Your Day for Everyone Else

    Starting to feel a bit like this, and that isn't in an entirely negative way. I go through phases a lot with how i feel and how i view things, and it's usually "Leave me alone" or "Lets see everyone and do everything" i struggle with the in between. I have lately been very "leave me alone" and fed up of all the obligations and expectations of what a wedding and wedding planning involves, but im starting to realise that actually while of course my enjoyment matters, if i carry on im just sucking the enjoyment out of it for others. My friends and family are good people and it almost seems really harsh of me to refuse things like a Hen Do, when as long as its the right thing i would enjoy it, but just because i cant be bothered. 

    A lot of people are supporting us and care for us, so i need to stop being so mean and actually let them feel like their ideas and hopes for all this are important to me too. I think it'll help me to feel a bit better too in a way, otherwise i feel ill look back on this process and only see the budgets and stress and i wont have any of those fun activities to balance it out. 

    That said, i'm still not doing what people want or expect to make them happy! I'm just realising my actions may actually come across a little hurtful to those who maybe thought they'd be involved, and thus far have been pushed out or it all. 
  • are NOT alone in this. I do not agree speeches are for roasting people, it's a wedding! It's almost as if in Britain we can't express emotion and support eithoiw taking the Mickey out of each other first .I'd be absolutely mortified if someone roasted me or the H2B - for that we're already considering not having any speeches at all. I just hate the whole roasting and embarrassing stories tradition. 

    Regarding your fanily, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Families are the worst when it comes to weddings. We're dealing with the following: 
    -H2B's parents have only been in the same room 2 or 3 times in 10 years. We literally have no idea how to sort the seating as my FIL is in a new relationship but it's a very sore point with MIL. 
    - I haven't spoken to my sister in 2 years and I doubt I will before the wedding - yet she's invited because my mum is insisting. Another seating issue. 
    - My brother is divorced but his ex-wife is insisting she will only let my niece come if she can come. Maybe we'll just seat her in a toilet? (*Hysterical laughter*)


    I know the day is for everyone else - but honestly, I keep coming back to how angry I'll be at the cost of it if I don't enjoy myself. And to enjoy myself I have to remind myself that everyone is an adult. Maybe this is a way to think of it?

    They need to do some serious adulting. It is not your responsibility to make sure they have a good time if they're not wliking to try. As long as you and your H2B are a united team and neither of you blames the other for any family malarky, that's all you need. 

    Have a lovely glass or cup of something and forget about it for a day or two! Then sit and think about how you'd like your Hen Do to look .is there a close friend who you know would listen to what you want, and then get her to help you plan it? Then you know you're getting what you want - but you're also getting the pleasure of feeling like others are involved.
  • @Sci-Fi Nerd Thank you! Its mad how weddings always bring out drama. 
    I took your advice and just did lots of other things over the weekend which was lovely, and i do feel a more renewed sense of enthusiasm over it all now. 

    I also realised how needy i am haha. I have a best friend, and my sister, and then a slightly more distant old best friend ( I talk to my sister and best friend most days/every few days, and the old best friend every few weeks). The thing is they all have other groups of friends that they're sort of equally close if not closer to, so they have other people to go to and chat to throughout the day and week, whereas i don't at all. I don't have ANY work colleagues, just my 70+y/o boss. So any and all conversations i want to have, tends to be with those people (Plus M of course) so actually i rely on them a lot. Picture me messaging them A LOT all day, every day, and not understanding their jobs involve actually working, and talking to real people in front of them haha. 

    I've been quite hard on these friends since getting engaged and was very back and forth on having them in my bridal party, which is currently just my sister and FSIL. I had felt like as friends they didn't do enough to help me but actually its just that my standards are SO high, and the things that bother me (like them not posting things we do on social media) I just need to get over, because its REALLY pathetic. I'm 28 for Christ sake i shouldn't need someone to post a picture on Instagram to make me feel validated as a friend. 

    So because of this i sat and made them each a little card asking them to be a bridesmaid, and hopefully will give them out the next time i see each of them (although this may be ages away!). Hopefully then they can also see how much i value them, as i'd probably be a little offended in their shoes if i wasn't asked with no real reason. 

    I think then ill probably have BF plan a more "out out" hen do, as i planned hers and she did say she couldn't wait top get me back haha, and then ill have my MOH sister plan a more chilled day event type thing, that family could come to too. I always said i didnt want to have two hen do's because it seems a bit much but i want to make sure everyone feels catered for, and i just know my sister would be so uncomfortable in a night club. Its funny, all the things i said when i was MOH are coming back to bite me in the ass now!

  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,515 New bride
    edited March 2019
    Hotels & Taxis cost WHAT?!
    I thought id start a bit of research for the wedding website so we can put up information for where guests can stay locally and how much (generally) a taxi could cost to the most locals towns and its so much more than i had thought! 

    I feel a bit bad now, with it looking like people will inevitably end up spending close to £100 if they want to stay somewhere, or i suppose some have the option of £25-50 taxi ride all the way home but it still seems a huge amount. I checked Uber too and its not much better. 

    The rooms (7 of them in total) at the venue are £125 each so i was hoping guests would have a cheaper option to stay elsewhere close by but when you factor in a taxi ride from the hotel to the venue, and then back to the hotel after it wont be far off. 

    Does that all seem a bit much or is it fairly standard? I'm still struggling with the guilt of people having to pay to be a part of the day, even though i know i've done it for others i cant lie i did begrudge a bit then. 
    I'm going to start choking on my humble pie soon. Its so amazing how much you understand things more when the shoe is on the other foot. 

    i'm mostly now a bit worried that people will come, not drink and leave early, because its a Sunday too. Most of our friends are in that awkward point where they don't live that far from the venue, 30-40 mins, so they're close enough to get home if they want to, so its almost a bit hard to justify paying for the hotel, but many would either have to pay £40 odd in a taxi, or £20 and leave early enough to get the last train from the local town which is about 10pm on a Sunday! 

    Have we made a huge mistake picking a Sunday? Is there anything we can do to encourage people to just make the most of it and book the Monday off? 
  • Red_LHRed_LH Posts: 21 New bride
    Honestly the rooms seem about right, we looked at the lake district and decided against it because it was coming out at £600 for some people!! So I'd pay those prices all day long to go to my friends wedding. We get married on a Saturday and our venue is about 45 mins from where we live and some people are getting a mini bus home at  11pm so I think whatever day you get married some will go home earlyish and some later, others will stay over, we would also not be put off by booking a Monday off and have done this before. 

    We did have one guest complain that it was costing them £60 for a cheap budget hotel... so I think your options are perfectly fine but some people are just tight!!
  • @lucy414 thank you so much its really nice to hear someone else's perspective! I guess i just worry about it being a flop, but in all honesty the issues would be the same if it was a Saturday wedding, the only difference is the next day and i do think most of our closest friends at least will take the next day off with no issue so that's ok. 

    I did think about a mini bus but the problem is everyone would be going in different directions so it probably wouldn't help that many people! I think we will encourage lift and taxi sharing though to reduce costs. 

    Worst case scenario - We just retire to our room earlier than expected and enjoy the honeymoon suite ;) haha!
  • Red_LHRed_LH Posts: 21 New bride
    well some of our guests are organising a mini bus, but we've just decided not to get involved... literally do not need that hassle with a wedding to plan!! 

    They will take the time off and you'll have a blast. Good friends will just sort it, if it was me and I couldn't get the day off I'd be going home in a taxi after it and turning up to work rough the next day. You will 100%  not be going to bed early!! 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    I think the room prices are fine, don't worry! We are getting married August bank holiday and it's a tourist town so all the hotel rooms are pretty expensive, but actually much cheaper on the Sunday night than the Saturday, so we have saved our guests some money there!

    I've been to weddings in the arse end of nowhere, where the cheapest near hotel was around £100 plus the venue was then still miles away and we spent even more on cabs there and back. We don't live anywhere near OH's hometown so events there always mean travel and often a hotel for us! People may well organise a minibus or similar. People can always drive if they really don't want to spend the money.

    You can't really do anything to encourage people to use their annual leave, as if they are happier driving, leaving at 10 then going to work the next day that's entirely their own choice - I must admit this is why, as our venue only do weddings on Sundays, we only considered BH weekends - as 70% of our guests are travelling for well over an hour. But I know that our core group of friends would have booked it off and they are the main people we would want to party into the night with anyway :)
  • @MrsCToBee thank you, that really helps put me at ease! We had originally wanted a bank holiday too, but because we can only do it during half term times, and our venue are sneaky so a bank holiday Sunday was charged as a Saturday instead of a Sunday we just couldn't make it work. 

    You're right, i'm sure it'll still be fun and everyone will still have a good time if they are leaving at 10. I just don't want people to look back and think it was an inconvenience and a flop! 
  • Thanks @MrsW2020 thats true! I travelled 45 minutes for my friends wedding, and it meant getting a hotel. We opted for one in a neighbouring town and got a taxi because it was cheaper and we had to get a taxi anyway due to the location, and it meant getting a total of 4 taxis in the end for the day. 

    Funnily enough, this same friend whos wedding it was is now suggesting i get a mini bus for people to go to the nearer large town so guests could get later trains. Im sure she means well, but she got married 6ish months ago and the ceremony and reception were in totally different places and she made zero provisions for people, even i as her MOH had to bump a lift off another guest because she was my ride there and it was that or yet another taxi... 
    Do people forget what it was like when they were planning or is she just trying her luck now the shoe is on the other foot? God lover her, shes going to be a bridesmaid, but she needs to shush haha. 
  • We've opted for a London venue as literally everyone we would invite lives in or around London, with only a few friends coming from abroad (so they'd have to fly into London first anyway). So no one needs to book a hotel - but everyone will end up spending a fair amount on Ubers because our party ends at 2am. Unless they want to get on the night tube 🤣🤣🤣. 

    I've travelled hours for a wedding before. I'm actually going to Jersey in July for another wedding! That includes flight, hotel AND cab back. I would reasonably spend about £100-£150 on hotel, then when you add train fare and cabs you've racked it up. 

    As someone else has said it's completely acceptable to have to travel for a wedding and £60 is actually quite reasonable! 

    As for it being on a Sunday - honestly, I'd quite enjoy the fact that it's different. For a good friend I'd genuinely book whatever time I needed off and make it, especially as it's not even abroad. 
  • Thank you @MrsW2020 and @Sci-Fi Nerd that makes me fell a lot more comfortable! I'm sure people will just figure it out, and as you say the ones that matter will make the effort, its not like its a run of the mill night out! 

    I started thinking about the weddings we have coming up, we've got one on Friday but only the evening, then one in August and one in January. They will both require a hotel and between 2-4 hours driving each way which i hadn't even thought about yet, but i had never questioned the expense we would be paying because it never even occurred to me that we wouldn't go or we would cut it short or anything. Just shows people naturally make the effort :)

  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,515 New bride
    edited April 2019
    We bought another thing!

    I love being able to buy things and tick it off the list.

    We had a very productive day yesterday and went around picking up bits for general life admin, and then as we got lost looking for another shop I found a Home Sense which I had never been in before. 

    I found this beautiful greenhouse that's a bit of a different shape to most I've found, so we just went for it! I think it'll be a lovely card box and we can use it after or just sell it on.

    Now just to come up with ideas on how to decorate it 😀
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    I work opposite a Home Sense, it's fatal! Have got so many nice things over the years!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    Just popped in to say that we spent 3 hours on Saturday driving to a christening, stayed overnight in a Travelodge and spent 3 hours yesterday driving back...and we are doing similar for a wedding in September - 2 hour drive each way and overnight stay - and it really is no biggie! Love the greenhouse, maybe some vinyl transfers are the way to go to personalise it?
  • Don't know how I haven't seen your thread before? Spent the last few days binging on it in every bit of free time I have! 

    I'm loving all your plans, I really feel for you with how much stress you've had with the venue etc. but it seems like things are getting better for you! 

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