What Am I Doing?! - April 2020

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  • It's a difficult one with the dad / step dad situation.  My sister decided to walk on her own the first time she got married and the second time, her 11 year old daughter walked her.  I've basically took the opinion that if either of them have a problem, that's there problem and they can step aside - which I don't think either will do.  I've been a wimp and left it up to my mum and dad's wife to have the conversations with them though, apparently my step dad pulled his face about it at first, but will do it as it's what I want.  I need to have the conversation with them myself, but I just keep putting it off as we're not the type of family that talks about things, so will be a bit awkward haha.  Good luck with whatever you decide, but if you want both, I would ask for both and if they have a problem, they can either choose to do it together or not at all.  For me, I really don't think either would step aside
  • And so it begins.... 
    I don't think i have mentioned my mother in much detail before, but apologies if i'm going over old ground here. I don't want to badmouth her, or come across badly, but we just have a very odd relationship and she has some issues she doesn't believe she has. I love her, but she can be manipulative and quite toxic at times, but she is still my mother. 

    This morning after seeing someone else posting on a group about a sale at Debenhams i decided to take a look for some flat shoes, a bag, jewellery, that kind of thing. I told my mum because she loves it there, and i thought she might want to look at some accessories for herself in the sale. 

    Well, THATS when she decides to tell me that she bought me some jewellery, but not a necklace because i'm wearing my aunts (AM I?!) and shes also bought a present for each of my current bridesmaids - which i'm still debating expanding. She bought these back before Christmas, and never at all thought to ask or mention it to me. 

    Never sent a quick message "oh saw these do you like them, i can grab them for you if you want?" Nope, she just bought them and was just one day going to hand them over like i should be so grateful she decided on what i'm having. 

    Maybe i should be more grateful, but i'm actually livid right now. I don't understand why she thinks its ok to just decide these things for me, with literally no thought or questioning as to what i might actually want myself. 

    This is her all over, and i'm sure she means well, but its the fact that if i tell her i don't want to wear them ill get the guilt trip "oh well i just thought i was being helpful, i think they're lovely why don't you want them, id wear it" She just doesn't understand how manipulative it is. Her mum is exactly the same, and ill go down in a blaze before i get like that. 

    She wont even send me a picture, shes having to bring them around tomorrow morning, which means now i just have to bite my tongue that bit longer, and change my plans in the morning because if i don't its even more of a guilt trip about how i never make time for her. 

    I just don't even know what to say or do really, i had a conversation with her when i first started planning that i didn't know what we wanted or were doing and i would figure it out as we went along, and she would be involved where necessary. Shes tried to buy things before and i've politely said we don't need them, no thank you, or ill look into it nearer the time if its what we want, but now shes just gone and done it and from now on if i find anything else she will say it isn't as nice as hers, its a shame i'm not wearing hers, why don't i want to wear my aunts necklace its family, its just exhausting. 

    Its not even just the wedding really its just my life. I'm amazed i've managed to go a year without having to give her a spare key but it isnt going to work much longer. She just turns up, she has tried to have another family member take my dog from the house while i was at work, she has serious issues, but doesn't believe it when we try to explain how her behaviour is. 

    I'm like 98% on the wanting to elope scale, but M stilllll wont have it. 


  • MrsA-NToBeMrsA-NToBe Posts: 205 New bride
    I’m so sorry your having these issues with your mum and can completely understand why your upset. Can you explain to her ‘delicately’ what you’ve said here when she comes around tomorrow? Would that help at all?! 

    I understand with the interference, MIL called FH last night to see when we were sending out our invites because she has invited around 20
    of her friends (who I’ve never even heard of, let alone met) !!! I very nearly had a meltdown, but saved it with, they can’t come to the day but can the evening. 

    Hopefully the wind will change and bring sane-ness for all of us!
  • Thank you @MrsA-NToBe , when she brought them over she just kept saying how lovely and sparkly they were, which they are, but they aren't remotely "me" in any way. They are very traditionally Bridal so i can see why she likes them, but as someone who spend their teens-20s with all sorts of blue, pink, purple, green, turquoise in her hair i'm really not sure why she thought suddenly on a day that i get to be a little "all out" id pick something so not me. 

    She did say that it doesn't matter if i don't want them and she will find a home for them. Personally i think she should wear one, and my Nan can wear one, whoever. I have no issue with anyone else wanting to be a bit extra and blingy, go for it, it just frustrates me she spent a good £100 odd on all this for literally nothing. I tried to explain i thought it would be something we can all go shopping for at a later date, and i think she understood she stepped on some toes, but it really does make me feel the need to adjust what i say and what i tell her which is a shame. 

    I think i'm just going to have to keep repeating the mantra "she means well" until the wedding is over and then i'm going to go lay down in a cabin in the middle of nowhere for 3 days with my phone off haha. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    My mum can have a tendency to overstep the mark a little bit, I'm just really blunt with her  - "Mum, you've had your wedding(s), this is ours and we are having what WE want and what WE choose. We appreciate you are trying to help, but it's not actually helpful and you are wasting your money. Please stop, and don't buy anything else without checking first". You have to be blunt with my mum, subtlety goes straight over her head!
  • MrsCToBee said:
    My mum can have a tendency to overstep the mark a little bit, I'm just really blunt with her  - "Mum, you've had your wedding(s), this is ours and we are having what WE want and what WE choose. We appreciate you are trying to help, but it's not actually helpful and you are wasting your money. Please stop, and don't buy anything else without checking first". You have to be blunt with my mum, subtlety goes straight over her head!
    You know what i might just have to take this approach, it's firm but really well laid out!! Thank you x
  • carmack83carmack83 Posts: 12 New bride
    I think being too blunt will ruin your whole time! Hi by the way, new to your post but everything sounds and looks amazing! 

    Your mum wants to be one of your girls, its obvious from the present buying etc she is trying hard to still be your best friend. After all our Mum's all dream of such a relationship even if it is not a reality! 

    I live a bit of distance from mine and so I plan a lot and decide without her so she has not had much input but then she learned years ago that as a designer my projects always come together and look great at the end so no longer worries. 

    If it was me I would be careful as for the next year she will worry about over stepping the mark. You need to go to her and explain that you want to share your day with her (she has dreamed of it since the day you were born too!). Explain that as MoB she has her own responsibilities and part of that is to help you look amazing with input and decision making. Explain this means you make decisions together rather than going vigilante. 

    Being too blunt could mean she steps too far back which will still ruin it for you both. Please be careful! 
  • Thank you, but im not sure we have the same views on parental relationships haha. 

    My mum sent me some links today, one wedding fair she wants to go to, one bridal dress outlet store and sellmywedding. Not entirely sure why she sent me the dress one seeing as only 3 months ago she forked out for my dress but i wont ask! 

    So it looks like next weekend we are off to one fair or another, she cant decide between one at a local hotel or the Milton Keynes one again. Personally id rather not go to MK, last time i ended up having a panic attack and swore off fairs altogether, but in a bid to keep her involved ill go wherever. She didnt seem to understand when i explained that they're a bit pointless when you have the big things, i think she thinks its like a craft fair where you can go and buy loads of stuff, but at least we can go to one and she will see why they're not ideal. 

    On a positive note though i found someone i can use for alterations if/when i need them! My old textiles teacher has a shop in my home town and i really trust her, so hopefully she wont come in too expensive. At the moment my dress fits great but i have a feeling it might need to be taken up a bit, and if i manage to keep going with my fitness improvements it may need taking in a tad too. I was hoping my aunt might do this but shes doing so many other things im just not going to put that pressure on her. Shes already booked the week before off work! 
  • CharleahCharleah Posts: 248 New bride
    Ah sounds like a mare, sorry you’re having these problems! I know it’s difficult with mums when they just want to be involved but sometimes it’s just interference! Hopefully now she’s knows you don’t want what she’s bought then she’ll learn not to buy anything else or waste her money! 
  • So after all the fuss my mum kicked up about going to a fair she forgot and made other plans. 
    I was actually looking forward to just being able to have a coffee and a chat with her about it all, get across why its so important that i have a say in all the decisions made and whatnot, but no she forgot we were going and she made plans with her friends, so that's that. I only found out when i text her to ask what time we were meeting and got "Oh sorry i forgot and now i'm going out for lunch..."

    I know its silly as i wasn't exactly super excited about the whole thing, but i was looking forward to trying to have some nice time together, and i feel like this sums up our relationship so well. I will always try and do things to accommodate her and put out the olive branch so to speak to make her happier, and i'm just a second thought. Never mind. 

    I've been struggling with getting my head around most things lately. I feel like i'm just starting to settle back into a more "normal" thought process after a bout of depression. I know it sounds silly but my hormones play a huge part, so i end up just spending a few weeks reminding myself it isn't how i actually feel and it will pass.

    I made poor M feel a bit crap about all the wedding stuff which i feel so awful about. I know i shouldn't have to censor myself around him, and i don't usually but when i'm in a bit of a state i really don't and it all gets exaggerated and he got upset at the thought that this whole thing was for him and i really didn't want a wedding at all and just wanted to go and elope. I apologised, but i think he realises now that i wasn't actually joking when i said that back after we got engaged. I know there isn't an answer, it just feels nice to be able to say it without worrying about who i will offend. I know the whole day will be lovely and it will be nice to share it with our closest, but i knew id be let down a lot of people close to me during this process, so i think the idea of eloping was just to save myself from that heartache. 

    I'm currently going through an internal debate as to whether we hire a professional videographer or not. It isn't in the budget because M just wasn't comfortable with it, and the compromise was my cousin (He will be 16, but makes a lot of videos all the time, edits very well and is doing it for GCSE) would film bits like the ceremony and speeches so we have those to look back on. 

    Since coming to that agreement i just feel like i'm going to regret not having a whole snippet of the day. I find those little highlight videos give such a great insight into the feel and fun of a day. They cost so much more than i was expecting too, so honestly i'm not sure how id make it work but i'm trying to decide if its even worth bringing up just yet. If we did get a professional it also means trying to find a way to explain this to Super Aunt and Cousin, they all want to be so involved and help out and i'd feel like a total d*ck for basically saying "i don't think you'll do a good enough job". I remember someone saying once that if you care about it then pay for it, and that's basically whats driving this internal back and forth. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride

    I really relate to this post.

    Sorry you're struggling, I know how it feels to be transitioning from depression/anxiety back to feeling more level and a few outbursts are pretty normal. I also throw the "I didn't want this bloody wedding anyway, you and your mother insisted on it" line out when I'm feeling stressed and getting no help with wedding stuff! It annoys C, but it's true, I didn't.

    My mum is also not that interested in wedding planning - I invited her to come to a couple of wedding fairs with me and she wasn't interested either. One of my bridesmaids prioritized taking her mum to the supermarket over coming wedding dress shopping with me. It's just disappointing when people close to you aren't excited, and make you feel like you aren't a priority or worth their time. *Big hug*.

    We would also like a videographer but it just isn't in the budget, so C is finding out which one of his friends have a GoPro or similar and he's going to ask them to film the ceremony, speeches and first dance. It will be amateur and unedited but at least we'll have the footage.

  • @MrsCToBee Thank you so much, i really appreciate your honesty. As silly as it sounds, i feel lucky to have people here who i can rely on to be honest and kind, and understand how it all is sometimes. *big hugs back* I almost wish it were easier to be "real life" friends haha. 

    That's basically what we have arranges, between us we have 2 GoPros so we will at least get the footage, you are right, thats what matters most x
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride

    I think a lot of people who haven't arranged a wedding recently don't get it. My MIL's parents pretty much arranged her wedding and my mum's been married 6 times so I think they are just old hat to her, haha!

    I actually thought of you the other day, I bought a spring bouquet from Aldi for £4 (tulips, hyacinths, narcissi and small roses) and it smelt beautiful and lasted for 2 weeks, looked really lovely in just an Ikea vase too!

  • Aw thank you @MrsCToBee , i'll have to go check them out and see if i can fashion up a trial run with them! 

    Our venue just got an AWFUL review on Facebook from a January bride.....with really bad feedback on the new coordinator.....who apparently wasn't even there for the whole event (i just assumed they are? at least until the foods done).....and they have a new chef and no one updated us (although we havent had the tasting yet so i guess thats ok)..... but itll all be ok right and our day wont be as bad....right?  :#

    I think one of my concerns is the way they respond to them, basically saying "thats a shame, you seemed happy on the day" and "I cant be there all day" even though the bride had said she spent the evening crying, and they were charged for the bridal suite that the venue didn't even let them stay in due to renovations... 

    At this rate everything is going to go out the window and we will pay for a separate planner or a new venue  :D
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    edited 28 January
    Oh no....don't go off just one bad review though, having worked in hospitality myself I know that for every 10 good reviews you get, there is one person with wildly unrealistic expectations and no matter what you do for them, they will always find an issue! My sister is one of these people, I don't think she's ever paid full price for a meal in a restaurant in her life! If there is a trend of bad reviews I'd worry, but not if it's just 1.  Do they have good reviews on Hitched?
  • The last reviews they have on there are 2017, so i don't know how much to trust them really. You are right though, and i think as long as i go in with the right attitude then it'll be fine. Whilst i will be disappointed if we get overcharged, the food is naff or it isn't well organised, it wont be the be all and end all. 
    I suppose i have long enough to keep an eye and then i can at least address these issues as we go if need be. 
  • I’m sorry your mum let you down, that’s really shit, at least now you can say no next time she tries to strongarm you into something. 

    The review would send me into a bit of a spin too, but it’s just one as MrsC said. I think keeping an eye out for further reviews and seeing how the communication with your venue goes over the coming months is definitely a good option. If there is any room in the budget for an independent planner or even on the day coordinator that would probably be something I’d be thinking about - over and above a videographer definitely. I want one myself but there’s definitely not the budget for it, but a couple of (very very minor up to now) things with the venue have me thinking that if they do one more thing I’m saying sod the expense and hiring backup! 
  • CharleahCharleah Posts: 248 New bride
    We were gonna get a videographer but it was way out of our budget too..I don’t mind getting my brother to film the day for us, I think it’s quite nice to be having a family member do it :) but if it’s something you really want then maybe it’s worth splashing out on! 
  • Thanks team, you're all right, it is only one. i have such a habit of getting so worked up easily and where i've felt on a tightrope as it is i think i just got a bit overwhelmed with it. 
    Had a chat with M and we decided we will give it another 6-8 months, see how their reviews go through that time, and if they're still awful we will day our own day of coordinator. We've found quotes for about £400 which we both think will be alright, although obviously we would rather not if we can avoid it. 

    He was a bit less keen on the videographer front, mostly because he says hes just really uncomfortable with the thought of being filmed and he will feel on edge with it, which of course i really don't want, so we have banked it for now. If it matters in a few months we can revisit it. 
  • I'm having a bit of a day today I think. You know when you just wake up and even the way the world is turning is pissing you off its gonna be a long one. 

    Sod all is happening on the wedding front at the moment really, and I don't know how i feel about that. Although I did ask M's sister to be a bridesmaid at the weekend and she was suitably excited and gave me a huge hug which is lovely. Shes just had a bunch of uni exams so I think it'll be nice for her to have something fun to get involved with. 

    We found out M's cousin who got engaged between Christmas and New Year has set a date for  August this year. I'm, really happy for them, they're so lovely, but it definitely reared something up that i cant put my finger on. It's not that I think as we were engaged first we get dibs on going first, I guess I just wish we had the flexibility and money to have been able to just do it all under a year. As much as I love having time to plan, id have loved a short engagement too. Their families are very well off, and the venue is a friends barn so while they will still have to hire everything in, they don't have that cost to worry about, and availability wasn't an issue. 

    Never mind, jealousy doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think it's just hard because of the 2 friends i have that have paid for it themselves, one still had an engagement under a year and the other is apparently not as close as i thought because I didn't even make the cut for an evening invite for her March wedding. I am just really aware that I don't really have anyone who gets the frustrations of it all. My closest friend last year was given a bunch of money, and although she still wanted to save as much because whatever was left over went into a deposit fund, its still different when you have the money but cant spend it, and when it's literally just not even an option. I also feel bad if I rant to my sister/MOH about it because I know she would love to have the money that we have to spend on one day. She has had a really rough time so I feel like a total brat saying how annoying it is when something costs XYZ and I know she would give anything to have that kind of free cash. 

    February and March are going to be really hectic months, so while planning takes a bit of a back seat i'm going to try and figure out what the hell I can do to feel a bit less rubbish about everything. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    I think it's just that (without sounding childish) life's just bloody unfair, and sometimes when all around you have it easier, it gets you down in the dumps. All of our friends have had huge expensive weddings done in 18 months or less as they've all had large family contributions, and bought big houses straight off the bat while we've had to buy a small shared ownership place (though we are still a lot more fortunate than most). We don't have huge contributions hence the 2 1/2 year engagement - but I will say that from 2 1/2 years to 6 months to go has gone so bloody fast that I'm now panicking about getting everything done in time, and in no time at all you will be too! Chin up x
  • Thank you @MrsCToBee, you're always so kind i really appreciate it. 

    I cant believe its 6 months to go! Did you space things out or did you find it hard to get momentum going in the beginning? I keep worrying that with 14 months to go i just need to calm down and stop trying to plan it all now. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Thank you @MrsCToBee, you're always so kind i really appreciate it. 

    I cant believe its 6 months to go! Did you space things out or did you find it hard to get momentum going in the beginning? I keep worrying that with 14 months to go i just need to calm down and stop trying to plan it all now. 

    We have spaced things out, we're lucky we have a shed and loft so we have a bit of storage and have been able to buy things as we go along. Most of the DIY I'm starting this week, didn't want to do it too soon in case we changed our minds or it got ruined, but have done some things like made labels for the favours and tied them all on, and making colouring packs for the kids etc. There have been some quite big lulls but there is always something you can be researching/planning. To be honest though, since we got engaged we have bought the house and of course I work full time and have a toddler, so spare time is at a bit of a premium for me anyway!

    There was a big lull before Christmas and now it seems to be all systems go! None of my suppliers (or anyone) were much fussed until we got to 2019 and now I suddenly have dress fittings, engagement shoot & meeting with the photographer, need to sort all the DIY bits, hair and make up trials, sort an outfit for Mr C and our son, buy all the sundries for the flowers and do a practice run, hen dos, stag dos, still waiting for RSVPs then will be doing table plans, food choice spreadsheets, name cards etc! Basically it all bubbles away quietly then 6 months before it's like BAM!

  • God you sound like superwoman spinning so many plates at once! I think ill probably keep relaxed about it all until after the summer, but the 6 month mark for us is October, and i know Nov/Dec are a right off for anyone in my family, as everyone's dotted around we spend most of it driving to someones for some event! 
    It feels so far away but so close at the same time! especially when i look and every weekend in Feb/March theres something, then in august theres something every weekend, and then we want to fit a little break in too, you start to think out of the 14 months theres maybe 8 or so of actual "doing" time haha. 
  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride
    edited 4 February
    We had a relatively long engagement (19 months-ish I think- with just over 3 months to go now), we had some contributions from our families but we've also saved up. I've seen people do it in way less (9 months or so) and it looks bloody stressful. The things I've enjoyed are that it's largely been a fun process because we've had plenty of time to get stuff done, and also it's meant we have the "pick" of suppliers largely. Some people I know that have organised in less time have been stuck with who to use because of availability. Often the price ends up being more than budgeted because the cheaper people have been booked up. 

    I completely understand the frustration but I do think the longer engagement has it's benefits :smiley:

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    God you sound like superwoman spinning so many plates at once! I think ill probably keep relaxed about it all until after the summer, but the 6 month mark for us is October, and i know Nov/Dec are a right off for anyone in my family, as everyone's dotted around we spend most of it driving to someones for some event! 
    It feels so far away but so close at the same time! especially when i look and every weekend in Feb/March theres something, then in august theres something every weekend, and then we want to fit a little break in too, you start to think out of the 14 months theres maybe 8 or so of actual "doing" time haha. 

    Yep, just pencil some weekends in the diary now for DIY and make sure you keep a few free for trials and you're set!
  • One of my friends from the group that I'm a part of but not because they leave me out of everything has just got engaged. 

    I know it's SO unreasonable but I just feel sad. They are about to buy a house down the road from us that's absolutely gorgeous, it's basically our dream home, but they're getting a lot from the bank of mum and dad .I know the wedding will just be the same. 

    I know I should be happy for them but I just feel gutted that judgement and comparisons are inevitable. I've always been the outsider with these girls and they all rally around for each other (another of them gets married next month) and i always get ignored until they need something. 

    It's like being back at school and not wanting to invite anyone to your birthday party because they probably won't show up and if they do they'll just laugh that it's at community center and not a private restaurant. 
  • MrsCarnegieMrsCarnegie Posts: 504 New bride
    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The worst feeling is when you feel like an outsider and feel as if you're being judged. Just remember, your plans are amazing, your FH loves you just the way you are and your wedding will be fantastic, wherever it's held xxx 
  • I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The worst feeling is when you feel like an outsider and feel as if you're being judged. Just remember, your plans are amazing, your FH loves you just the way you are and your wedding will be fantastic, wherever it's held xxx 
    Thank you, I know it's so stupid and I know we will have such a lovely day, I just wish we had it as easy as they have. They're mid/late 20's and go for two week holidays to the Carribbean at no cost to themselves, I'm just fucked off with it all being unfair lol. 

    I know it isn't about those things, but she is like a bloody super model and she's going to have the kind of dress budget I could only dream of. 

    This is 10000% why I wanted to elope lol
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