What Am I Doing?! - April 2020



  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    @MrsCToBee i think you've hit the nail on the head there, i'm definitely so cautious of making people feel uncomfortable. Ill start making it a bit more obvious and then leave them to it, like you say there is loads of time! Thank you for your honesty <3
  • I agree with @MrsCToBee it is totally their job to plan your hen.  I was in a similar situation and I felt really sad that no one except my mum seemed bothered, I tend to get really anxious about upsetting people and I was fully prepared to plan my own hen- however I spoke to two of my bridesmaids (I don’t have a chief which was my mistake) and just said how I felt and they did pull their finger out! Maybe just be honest? You don’t need to upset anyone but just ask who’s in charge of the hen as you’ve got a couple of ideas you want to run past them? There’s still loads of time so don’t worry too much xxx
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    I agree with @MrsCToBee it is totally their job to plan your hen.  I was in a similar situation and I felt really sad that no one except my mum seemed bothered, I tend to get really anxious about upsetting people and I was fully prepared to plan my own hen- however I spoke to two of my bridesmaids (I don’t have a chief which was my mistake) and just said how I felt and they did pull their finger out! Maybe just be honest? You don’t need to upset anyone but just ask who’s in charge of the hen as you’ve got a couple of ideas you want to run past them? There’s still loads of time so don’t worry too much xxx
    Thank you, I appreciate your experience with it all. Its hard isn't it, you always hear horror stories or bridezillas but trying to find the balance can be so hard! 
    I'm a people pleaser anyway so i just worry about being out of line for anything.
  • cluelessbride01cluelessbride01 Posts: 131 New bride
    Just caught up with your thread and I just wanted to say I LOVE the straps you're thinking about adding to your dress!
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Just caught up with your thread and I just wanted to say I LOVE the straps you're thinking about adding to your dress!
    Aw thank you! I keep going back and forth but i seem to be doing that with everything!  
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    300 Days to go!

    All very exciting and terrifying in equal measure. 

    I got a few questions from M about my Hen Do, major do's and dont's, and got a little excited that the ball was rolling with it. He said he had been asked for my ideas and there was a group chat going. It turns out (because one of my BM's thought i should know) that M actually started the chat, and is the one spearheading the planning of my hen do. Its incredibly sweet, but still feel a bit lame that my friends had to be carolled into it by my fiance, and now hes apparently not really willing to leave them all to it to plan. I know he just wants to make sure no one drops the ball, but sorry its super weird to have your fiance plan a girls night... 

    I know it'll all balance out, but apparently my sister hasn't responded at all which isn't entirely unexpected but still worries me that she is just going to get sidelined. I completely understand events like this aren't her thing and i knew that when i asked her to be my maid of honour, but i just don't want her to feel left out, but she isn't the type to speak up even to just say she cant make it. Its a catch 22, she wont respond so she wont be involved and then she will complain she wasn't involved... 

    I'm grateful that i have people that care about me, i just wish the dynamic wasn't so hard and there wasn't as much "politics" with it all. 

    We're very close to having sorted the florist stuff out. M is still a bit unhappy with the florist quote and keeps saying "but for what we want we could buy flowers for less than £10 and do all of the ends, instead of her £75" and while hes right, he just doesn't seem to be twigging (no matter how much i try) that while we can do that, 1- Most florists wont want to ONLY do bouquets and button holes with the tables being DIY and 2- I'll be the one stuck dealing with it all and preparing it all, which i really do not want to have to deal with in the days leading up to. 

    I'm fully aware we can, and we will if we need to but its so frustrating that he keeps flitting between "I want this to be as easy and fun for you" and "We can do it cheaper ourselves" not understanding what we save in cost we pay for in time! And it will always end up being MY time, not his!

    I also desperately need to make a start on the DIY list but i really cant be bothered. If i leave it too much longer ill run out of weekends to do any of it as we have quite a lot on over the summer, and while we have winter i know that Nov-Jan is always a write off with all the family get togethers, and other weddings we are attending.

    I'm stuck in that real loop of wanting it to be personal and as "Us" as possible, but having zero motivation to put in all that effort it takes when i keep thinking its all just for a few hours. 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Took my Mum and Sister to the venue last night for the first time ever! 

    They both seemed to really like it, but in typical fashion my Mum said we need to have sofas in the ceremony room for the oldies to sit down comfortably and she wanted to know how my Nan (her Mum) was getting there. 
    She also spent the entire drive there complaining about other family members, and my sister sat there awkwardly so i'm filled with confidence for the morning of together...

    My sister was really keen to get stuck into things though and has offered lost of help which is lovely, i just need to figure out where to start now!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    edited 19 June
    I don't think hen do politics are unusual, there are always some. Mine was lovely overall but it was the exact opposite of what I specifically asked for location wise so people could be included, therefore all my friends from further afield left after the day bit and only a handful came out in the evening who were all not drinking so it was a bit of a damp squib and I didn't even get to go to a club and have a dance, but it is what it is! I think your fiance is just giving them a kick up the bum and I imagine once the main details are sorted he'll then leave them to it. It's very sweet of him to take on a group of difficult girls on your behalf! Hopefully your sister will be able to move past her anxiety to be able to attend some of it.

    How are the flowers going?

    Why would you need sofas, presumably they have a chair in the ceremony room anyway? And it's not your problem to organise transport for anyone on your wedding day, if your mum is bothered I'd suggest she arranges a lift or taxi for your gran. She's just finding problems where there are none x
  • Yeah hen do politics aren’t rare, I gave my girls a kick up the bum and they were actually amazing! But they worked so bloody hard and it was like pulling teeth organising the others apparently.  Sometimes I think bridesmaids need a little nudge, I know how you feel but they probably haven’t yet worked out what a lot of hard work it can be depending on what you want to do of course! I’m sure it’ll all be brilliant. 

    Oh mums ey! Yeah you definitely don’t need sofas? Surely a chair will be okay! Are there other relatives your gran could potentially go with?  I’ve had similar from OH relatives asking me to sort hair and make up for them for the wedding morning! Yeah Cus I’ve totally got nothing else to think about.  Ive just told them to use google 🤭
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Thank you MrsCToBee I'm sorry you didn't quite get the celebration you had hoped for, you're right though, it is what it is and i cant do anything about how anyone else behaves around it. 

    Flowers are officially sorted! We booked the most recent lady we found. She was on budget and was really accommodating. We ummed and ahhed over DIY a lot but i just couldn't be dealing with the (potential) stress of it, so we just booked. I'm hoping it all goes well, she seemed very on the ball and like she understood what we want but we shall see! 

    That's literally my mum all over. She has good intentions but shes just a bit "me me me" so i'm just going to have to keep firm with it and nip all these things in the bud as it happens really. 

    All the politics and details are starting to raise their heads now people want to know details so it looks like the fun is officially starting.... 

  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Money Money Money 

    I've been looking back over the budget, trying to make sure its accurate and up to date and i am yet to figure out how, but another £4,000 seems to have appeared and both M and I are going a bit nuts over it. It means were now at the borderline of the maximum we can afford and looking over each item it all seems on the lower end of reasonable, so i just cant get my head around it. 

    We're going to sit down tomorrow and go through it all but it now has me looking at all the ways and places i can shave things off. So far its looking like i'll have the bridesmaids DIY their hair and make up unless they want to pay for it. I'm paying for their dresses up to £50 so at least i'm not doing nothing - but i do regret having a bridal party now. I never initially wanted one but then the politics got going and here i am... 

    It also looks like a videographer is out the window, we have no entertainment other than a DJ and a DIY Polaroid photo booth for the evening, and the only decor we have is the flowers. 

    I think i managed to find about a week of fun in all the planning and now i'm back to hating it again :D 

    I'm trying to prepare myself for tomorrows chat with M about it, I don't want to end up getting crabby but he doesn't seem to understand its the scale that adds the cost. He thinks its totally fine to just order invites online but then gawks at the total when its 40 of them. 

    I felt like we were in a good place with it all and like we might have scope to actually have some things we rally want, but it seems like its the fun personal touches that add so much money so it just isn't going to be possible. 

    All i ever wanted was a day that really reflected us, and while it will in the way that its all decisions we have both made, food we both like, and hopefully just a relaxed environment, it looks like we aren't going to have cute touches that are a nod to anything of significance for us. 
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    @Blondiebride2019 Thank you! Its mad isn't it! I don't know why some people just assume planning a wedding makes me the go to person for things they'd have to sort on any normal event/night out!

    I think i'm just going to lay it all out in future and worry less about offending people by being blunt (within reason of course, i'm not just going to be mean!) but i know now i wont please anyone let alone everyone so i'm not going to waste my energy trying. My Mums side is notorious for just being hard work so i just need to manage it from the start. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Glad the flowers are sorted :)

    I know what you mean about details, my mum has started demanding her hair and make up timings etc. for the day and I just don't know yet - we haven't even had our make up trials yet so I haven't even met the lady!
  • Yippeeeee for the flowers being sorted! It’ll be so much less stress for you to just have them there and done! 

    I think people assume brides are the fountain of knowledge of logistics and facilities and so keep firing questions at us haha
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    We had a really good little Wedmin meeting last night - we've started pencilling them in for every few weeks, although i'm sure they'll become more frequent, and it's just been a really nice way to keep the wedding stuff mostly contained and then sit down and hash stuff out together. 

    M loves it because it keeps it really even, i'll let him know what i think we should be going over or sorting, he has time to think about it, and then we can both make decisions on an even footing instead of him feeling like i'm coming at him with an idea i've already decided on and he doesn't have much of a say. 

    We went over the budget and discovered a bit of a miscommunication - when i told him what it was sitting at he thought that was what we had left to pay, not what the final total was estimated at, and he was actually totally fine with it! So although its still not ideal and we are of course going to save where we can, the major crisis has been averted! 
  • Red_LHRed_LH Posts: 21 New bride
    wedding finances are so so stressful, I think every couple no matter the budget goes through this. I know we have. Even for the most organised of people it gets difficult to keep up with, we are a few weeks out and I have no idea whats going on anymore, he invoices are coming in and we just keep paying them haha!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    So he thought you needed to save more money than you actually do? Happy days!

    We sit down and look at our money once a month anyway, so when we do that we also look at the wedding spreadsheet and take into account any payments due that month and how much we have left to save - it's really good practise as I've seen so many posts on Facebook wedding pages where people have booked £20k weddings and with 3 months to go are still 5 grand short or whatever - it's like they book things so far ahead it doesn't occur to them that they will actually have to pay for it!
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    @MrsCToBee thats a really good idea!! We generally chat about money through the month but it should definitely be a bit more concise. Luckily we sort of worked backwards and went "we can save X in the 22 months, so lets aim for Y" and the plan was to basically spend 3/4 of the total amount we could save, and it has only gone over that by about £1500 which in the grand scheme of things it isn't bad at all. 

    Feeling super accomplished at the moment!

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    edited 21 June
    It's out of necessity as I refuse to have a joint current account and we each pay different bills so we have to have a conflab each month to check we are both paying out similar amounts etc., as our childminder/preschool bills vary month by month!

    That's fab! We sort of did that too, we agreed to keep it under £9k and we still are so I'm super pleased with myself, as so many people told me that EVERYONE goes over budget and that it's bound to happen etc.! I've only been so strict because we also save for our son, if not I'd have been quite happy to spend a bit more here and there.
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    @MrsCToBee&nbsp; Ah yeah that makes total sense!! 

    Well done! Its all to easy to get caught up with the wedding industry but from what i've read of your thread it sounds like it'll be an incredible day, and even better for not having been financially crippling! I have found your thread, advice and support absolutely invaluable since joining so i owe a lot of my grounded outlook to you on this.
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Ah that's very sweet and you are right, I am very sensible and boring, far too much so for the wedding industry  :D C likes to tell people I am 'cautious and risk averse' but he just means stingy 😂😂
  • Good news that you're not completely over budget! It is so easy to go crazy with all the things you think you need. I swore I wouldn't spend lots on a wedding and I was convinced we could do it for £5k. That went out of the window after about 2 days when I realised how much it actually costs to feed  people! Then I made the mistake of thinking when the venue was booked everything else would be cheap  :smile:

    I think you've done the right thing with the flowers. I think people forget with DIY stuff that someone still has to set it all up on the day. I wanted to do lots myself but now I'm thinking I'd rather just pay someone and relax a bit on the day and night before.
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Not much to update on here really. We've booked Shoot It Yourself for the videography because we felt like it was a happy medium - I want footage and M doesn't want someone following him around all day, so fingers crossed we can make it work well!

    I need to start chatting to my bridesmaids about outfits soon, and start looking at invites but i'm back in a bout of apathy with it all. Works not been great this last week and my mental health has taken a dive, although i'm confident it will readjust again soon, it means i just couldn't give a rats behind about what type of invitation we go for and  sorting any of the logistics required to be able to actually send invites.

    I did manage to buy 2 hoops to DIY for a backdrop but i'm not convinced it'll look right. They're just quite small and its such a large wall i feel like it'll get lost, but we couldn't justify spending loads on a backdrop that's used for 20 minutes. Right now is probably not a good time to make decisions on things, i feel like none of its worth the money or effort! 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Hope you're feeling brighter soon CDA x
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Thank you @MrsCToBee , i'm sure it'll pass soon, hopefully after a bit of a break from things x
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Thank you @MrsCToBee , i'm sure it'll pass soon, hopefully after a bit of a break from things x
    The good news is you still have ages to sort these things, so don't stress yourself and just do it at your own pace - allow yourself plenty of wedding free time to chill :) x
  • Cecilia13Cecilia13 Posts: 512 New bride
    I've certainly gone through stages of being excited and not wanting to do anything for it and feeling fed up :) at the moment it's only a month left so it's pretty much changing multiple times a day! Hope you feel more positive soon, I'm sure your bridesmaids will get excited about dresses and that will help you feel more excited too :)
  • CitytoCountryCitytoCountry Posts: 143 New bride
    I’m getting married a month after you :) I think it’s natural to go through stages of feeling a bit flat about stuff- it’s such a long planning process! All the same I hope you start feeling a bit bighter soon. Sending happy thoughts.
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,270 New bride
    Thank you @Cecilia13 and @CitytoCountry i really appreciate the support. 
    I think part of it is i'm struggling with the whole vision, logistics and budget and getting them to all align together haha. 

    I see things i love but we cant afford a venue dresser and its too much to ask friends and family to set up, so then it goes back to the drawing board. 
    I'm sure it'll all get there, and were hopefully going to sit down this weekend to hash it out and try to at least get styles together. 

    Today marks 9 months to go, which is worrying because i'm not exactly sure where the last 3 months went! This year feels like its gone by in a blink so far. 

    Were also off to Cambridge tomorrow for a day out, but were going to take a look at wedding rings so i can get an idea of what might work with my ring and whats in budget. I'm currently stuck between loving a style that's a little different and maybe shaped, a plain stone set band (like an eternity ring) or just a plain band! Being the absolute tight arse that i am i'm trying not to focus on the price with them too much, its the main point of the day after all!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Enjoy ring shopping :)
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