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What Am I Doing?! - April 2020/2021 (A Tale Of Two Weddings)

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  • Thanks everyone! I'm so pleased they're done, and they should all be either in the post or hand delivered by Sunday! We've already given out the close ones for people we have seen but it'll be nice to have the RSVPs trickling in. 

    Next few things on my mind is the ceremony backdrop, groomsmen attire, and my "look". I cant decide on jewellery or hairstyles at all and i know i have ages, but it would be nice to start to try to envision it all together. 

    I've been trying to up my skincare lately to help with my large pores, uneven tone and hormonal acne, but while its working in some areas it just doesn't seem to do much in others and i'm feeling a bit self conscious about it all now. I used to have quite oily skin and my new routine has got that under control everywhere except my nose, and when i put foundation on i can see the brush marks and it doesn't sink it, it just sits on the surface pooling. I know i have a good make up artist, but i was hoping all my efforts might have reduced it a bit! I have quite red blotchy skin so the last thing i want is to look like Rudolph on the day! 

    I'm having the monthly panic now we hit the 5 month mark, and seem to flit between "were fine there's loads of time" to "5 months is nothing and i don't even know what i have to do". 
  • MrsH2020MrsH2020 Posts: 214 New bride
    Firstly, your invitations are STUNNING! I also like the fact that you are sending them five months out - I keep hearing/reading that invites don't need to go out until two or three months before the wedding, but I feel super uncomfortable about leaving it this late as I just know that most people won't bother getting on with booking travel/accommodation/time off work until the invite comes through...
    Also, I totally feel you with the skincare - I also get hormonal acne that flares up once a month no matter what I do, and then never really goes away and leaves marks that stick around for months and months. I keep saying that I'll work at sorting it out before the wedding, but my skincare regime is already pretty extensive so I'm not sure what else to do. If you do find anything else that works I will be so excited to hear about it!
  • @MrsH2020 i have been using Niacinamide from The Ordinary for about two weeks now and i think i'm lucky enough to have got away without much of a "purge" and *fingers crossed* so far i haven't had anywhere near the amount of painful cystic type spots. I just use it once a day, along with some other products from The Ordinary and once every few days i use a Glycolic Acid tonic, and so far so good, other than my super oily nose haha. I've also heard really good things about salicylic acid and Mario Badescu Drying Lotion, although the latter is a bit more expensive people seem to swear by it and its next on my list if Niacinimide doesn't work out long term. 
  • @MrsH2020 i have been using Niacinamide from The Ordinary for about two weeks now and i think i'm lucky enough to have got away without much of a "purge" and *fingers crossed* so far i haven't had anywhere near the amount of painful cystic type spots. I just use it once a day, along with some other products from The Ordinary and once every few days i use a Glycolic Acid tonic, and so far so good, other than my super oily nose haha. I've also heard really good things about salicylic acid and Mario Badescu Drying Lotion, although the latter is a bit more expensive people seem to swear by it and its next on my list if Niacinimide doesn't work out long term. 
    Mario Badescu Drying Lotion is everything.
    Honestly, I break out a lot and it dries spots so quickly and without leaving any blemishes. 
    Just don't shake the bottle!
    If you look out on Beauty Bay over the festive period they do a lot of the  Mario Badescu gift sets for really good prices and its all so lush and gentle. 
  • @BohoDreaming Amazing thank you so much for the tip!!
  • I knew it was all going too well!!

    My hair and make up artist has just cancelled. Shes due 10 days after my date and i'm so anxious about these things i just said id rather find someone else if shes ok with that. Id be worrying in the week leading up to, and she said they have already had some complications so the last thing she needs is more stress 10 days before! 

    I found finding someone i liked really hard, but thankfully have all the previous quotes and people i had shortlisted so i guess its back to the drawing board, this may be my first experience of vendors already being booked! 
  • Oh no! I had my makeup artist cancel on me a couple of months ago because she had decided to no longer do wedding make-up (which makes me slightly annoyed as to why she accepted the booking in the first place...) Some of the makeup artists on my shortlist were already booked up, but they were able to give me recommendations of others and I found a makeup artist that I really like the look of, perhaps more so than the first one, so sending you lots of luck that you find a replacement who you like! 🍀
  • MrsH2020MrsH2020 Posts: 214 New bride
    @MrsH2020 i have been using Niacinamide from The Ordinary for about two weeks now and i think i'm lucky enough to have got away without much of a "purge" and *fingers crossed* so far i haven't had anywhere near the amount of painful cystic type spots. I just use it once a day, along with some other products from The Ordinary and once every few days i use a Glycolic Acid tonic, and so far so good, other than my super oily nose haha. I've also heard really good things about salicylic acid and Mario Badescu Drying Lotion, although the latter is a bit more expensive people seem to swear by it and its next on my list if Niacinimide doesn't work out long term. 
    Mario Badescu Drying Lotion is everything.
    Honestly, I break out a lot and it dries spots so quickly and without leaving any blemishes. 
    Just don't shake the bottle!
    If you look out on Beauty Bay over the festive period they do a lot of the  Mario Badescu gift sets for really good prices and its all so lush and gentle. 
    Thanks so much for the recommendations ladies!
    So sorry about your MUA @[email protected] - that's really frustrating, but definitely better to have one that you don't have any concerns about in the run-up. Good luck with finding another!
  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride
    edited November 2019
    Just catching up on your thread. What a pain about the MUA. I think I've just commented on your FB post in the bridechilla group! x 
    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • Just catching up on everything, LOVE the invites 😍 they look fab! 

    I swear by the ordinary, I have tried so many expensive brands and nothing worked until I tried the ordinary. The salicylic acid is amazing but I can't seem to get it anywhere ATM so use the niacinamide twice a day - stay with it, it takes a few weeks 👍 their masks are also really good, the salicylic and the AHA one - Def worth a try! 

    Hope you can get the hair and make up sorted soon 🤞🤞
  • I've gone a bit stir crazy this weekend looking at hair and make up artists, and i remember why i hated it so much the first time round! So many are just caked on super glam looks, and the artists that aren't are just so expensive. I know i'm going to have to bite the bullet and pay more, but i'm starting to feel a bit conflicted about what i pay for for other people. I had budgeted previously for my trial, my hair and make up, hair and make up for both my mum and my sister but with no trial, and then hair for my other 3 bridesmaids. 

    Looking at the other people i can find now, that comes in at close to £700 on average, and when i said to my mum how much more expensive it was, her response was "were worth it" like i can just crap out the money no issue. I feel really bad, because she has actually given us some money towards it all, so she basically said "i thought id alleviated the money worries" (it wasn't a huge amount, but it was generous) but she didn't seem to understand that the money she gave us isn't like "free" money we can spend on whatever, its needed to help with other things that have come up that we have less control over. She is mostly insinuating that they want trials and should have to pay for any of it because of the money shes given us, but she just doesn't get that all it means is that its taking away from somewhere else, and it doesn't make it any easier because its still an extra £250 odd to find from somewhere for the total pot. 

    I know i can be an over-thinking hard ass and a bit blunt in how i see things, but i'm getting frustrated that i'm paying for their hair and make up at roughly £180 each inc trials, i'm buying my sisters dress, shoes, and accessories, i'm inviting people my mum so desperately wanted there, and actually, i don't feel like i've had much actual support from anyone other than M and my aunt. 

    We had Ms mum kicking off a bit about the room, and why does it have to be the specific room we asked (we tried to arrange it so people we knew were nearer to us) although i know shes had a hard week, but it just feels so annoying. They aren't even the ones staying in the room they've booked so why does it matter? 

    The only person who sent a nice message after getting their invite was my aunt, and we had even hand delivered one to one of my bridesmaids and not a single peep, not even  a cursory "its so exciting your invitations are out". I KNOW no one cares about our wedding as much as we do, but right now i hardly really care anymore, and no one else seems to care whatsoever, other than however it works for their own agenda. 

    I'm sure i'll get out of my funk soon. I'm handing in my notice at work today so i think its just everything feeling overwhelming and a bit lonely. 
  • @CoffeeDogAddict Have you considered a make up master class thing at MAC or somewhere with your bridesmaids where you do a look, buy the make up for that look and they show you step by step how?
    That's what we did for my friends wedding and had a lovely day out together, she brought us some make up (which came in at like 250 for 3 of us) and learned a new skill to do our own make up that day?

  • I've never heard of the bridesmaids having hair and make up trials before! Me and my BF were BM's for our other BF last year, we did our own hair and makeup, we didn't mind at all, weddings are so expensive for the couple! Also, I know no-one else will be as excited as you about your wedding but you would expect that your family and friends would be pretty excited about it. Sorry that you're not feeling much support, that's a bit rubbish of them x
  • annipooannipoo Posts: 276 New bride
    I wouldn't bother with hair or make-up trials for your bridesmaids or family. If any of them are unhappy about that just explain your new MUA is much more expensive and you can't afford it. If they want trials they can pay for them themselves.

    Hopefully your bridesmaids will get more excited and be more supportive nearer in the new year once all the Christmas fuss is out the way. 

    I take it that means one of your interviews was a success? Congratulations, that's exciting! :) 
  • Thanks everyone! I completely agree tbh but my mums laying on the guilt of "well what is my money going towards then - it should pay for the trials and on the day" which is fine in a way, but yeah it still doesn't really help. Currently things between me, my mum and my sister are all a little contentious so I think it's something I'll have to revisit when they aren't at each others throats with me in between. I understand why they want one, as they both haven't really ever had professional make up before and they both have very low self esteem so I think they want to make sure it's something they're comfortable and confident with first. My sister is on minimum wage and my mum's retired, and I just can't shake the guilt of people having to pay out their own pocket for our day, even though tbh if I had it my way they wouldn't need to, because we wouldn't be having a day like this at all 🙈

    One of the interviews was successful! It still feels very odd and I'm terrified of change, andddd it's a bit of a pay cut but I'm hoping it's worth it for the sake of my mental health. That pay cut issue is also definitely not helping when it comes to negotiating wedding finances with my mum, and her inability to understand that £200 means a lot more now!
  • And She Cracks!

    I'm sure many of you will be pleased to know, i finally gave up and I've bought my bridesmaids dresses!

    We still just weren't getting anywhere, and while i was avoiding doing any work this dress popped up as a black Friday deal and i actually just loved it! Its in budget, although the higher end, so hopefully when they all arrive they like them too! I'm not too sure if it will go with the MOH dress but i'm sure we can find a way to all tie them in together. There's part of me now wondering about changing the MOH dress, but that's another thought for another day. 

    Image result for V by Very Embellished Tulle Bridesmaid Maxi Dress - Grey

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    Just popped in to say your invitations are really beautiful and I love the bridesmaid dresses.

    Congratulations on the new job, your mental health is precious and you need to value that above all else - I'm currently looking into dropping some hours too, but to be honest I've felt so much less stressed now I don't have the wedding hanging over me - I know some people get post wedding blues but I've been the complete opposite, like a weight has lifted tbh.

    With regards to trials - I was the only one to have a hair trial, and the 2 bridesmaids had make up trials but not the mums - however they paid for their own make up, inc. trials. They had the option to do their own if they wanted. The 2 times I've been a bridesmaid as an adult, the first we did our own make up, the second we had an MUA and had trials, but again, it was optional and we paid for it ourselves.
    We had a bit of bitching from one bridesmaid that the MUA I chose was more expensive than the one she used, but tbh the one she used was very basic, used really cheap make up and no one was that happy with her!

    I think you're being quite generous paying for everyone's hair and make up on the day, if they want a trial it's only fair that they pay for it. Your mum hasn't actually gifted you money at all if she then demands that you spend it on extra stuff for her that wasn't in your original budget!
  • Thanks @MrsW2020!

    Thank you @MrsCToBee! Im sort of hoping the new job (although I start 3 months before the wedding) will be a welcome distraction from all the planning. Where I am currently was just mind numbing and sucking all the joy from life! Its like being back at school here. 

    That makes perfect sense, and it did feel a bit like I was getting bulldozed into guilt but I should know by know that is kind of my mums MO. I think I might suggest we can play around with looks if she wants and then the make up artist can do a better version of it on the day! She did joke about going for the "strictly come dancing glam" but soon chilled out when I reminded her the photos would be forever and that's how her great great grandkids would know her, 😂

    Im hoping to narrow down the list this week and then go from there, but so far no one has particularly jumped out as a must book. If I didn't stress out so easily I'd debate saving £800 and do it myself, but I just don't think it would make for a calm morning 🙈

    Still haven't had any comments from anyone we sent an invite to (other than MIL) including one of my bridesmaids... I know they don't care and I don't regret the effort I put into them, but it's definitely a reminder that no one else will notice things at all. Might send her a mildly passive aggressive message asking if the dog ate it 🙄
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    Thanks @MrsW2020!

    Thank you @MrsCToBee! Im sort of hoping the new job (although I start 3 months before the wedding) will be a welcome distraction from all the planning. Where I am currently was just mind numbing and sucking all the joy from life! Its like being back at school here. 

    That makes perfect sense, and it did feel a bit like I was getting bulldozed into guilt but I should know by know that is kind of my mums MO. I think I might suggest we can play around with looks if she wants and then the make up artist can do a better version of it on the day! She did joke about going for the "strictly come dancing glam" but soon chilled out when I reminded her the photos would be forever and that's how her great great grandkids would know her, 😂

    Im hoping to narrow down the list this week and then go from there, but so far no one has particularly jumped out as a must book. If I didn't stress out so easily I'd debate saving £800 and do it myself, but I just don't think it would make for a calm morning 🙈

    Still haven't had any comments from anyone we sent an invite to (other than MIL) including one of my bridesmaids... I know they don't care and I don't regret the effort I put into them, but it's definitely a reminder that no one else will notice things at all. Might send her a mildly passive aggressive message asking if the dog ate it 🙄
    Yeah, we got no response from our invites at all, it was pretty much tumbleweed!!
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    Have you already told all the bridesmaids you are paying for their hair and make up? If not maybe offer to pay for hair and say make up is optional, but f they want it they'll have to pay for it themselves. They've not exactly been super helpful so far to earn it!
  • @MrsCToBee i've only said hair for all of them except my sister, who i had told she can have both. I don't mind paying for my sisters (she says while complaining) because i know she just doesn't earn enough, and she has such low self esteem i want her to feel good on the day, but even just paying for hair for the other 3 its looking in the region of £650+ 

    Initially my hair and make up was £60 for the trial and £120 for the day (although i did see she was clever and her prices had gone up, and in all correspondence we had is just said prices were confirmed on her website so id probably have ended up having to pay the higher price anyway) but now everything i'm finding is around £120 for a trial and £200 for the day, at least :(
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride
    edited November 2019
    @MrsCToBee i've only said hair for all of them except my sister, who i had told she can have both. I don't mind paying for my sisters (she says while complaining) because i know she just doesn't earn enough, and she has such low self esteem i want her to feel good on the day, but even just paying for hair for the other 3 its looking in the region of £650+ 

    Initially my hair and make up was £60 for the trial and £120 for the day (although i did see she was clever and her prices had gone up, and in all correspondence we had is just said prices were confirmed on her website so id probably have ended up having to pay the higher price anyway) but now everything i'm finding is around £120 for a trial and £200 for the day, at least :(
    The lady I originally booked charged £40 for bride/£25 for bm/mum trial, and £70 on the day/£45 for bm/mums. She's very well respected as a bridal make up artist locally. The lady I ended up using on the day charged roughly £10 more per person, but she included a full size lipstick in that price for you to keep. 

    https://www.emmasands.com/prices

    https://www.adornare.co.uk/services

    They were both roughly mid-range price wise compared to others I looked at. I'm in the London commuter belt too so the prices you are being quoted are crazy. Have you tried asking on local Facebook pages for recommendations? Parenting ones are good as the women tend to be a bit older so you won;t get 3000 untrained 18 year olds with a highlighter palette jumping on you like on the Facebay type pages!
  • annipooannipoo Posts: 276 New bride
    I completely agree with MrsC (as I often do, she's a wise lady) that the money from your mum isn't really a gift if she then demands you spend it on her. I know you said you would feel guilty with people paying out of their own pockets for your day but the fact is that they don't need a make-up trial so they don't actually need to pay for one. I like your idea of playing about with different looks, that sounds like a good compromise and also hopefully a chilled way to spend time with your mum.

    That's great news about the new job. I really hope you love it when you start. Definitely taking a pay cut is worth it for the sake of your mental health, looking after yourself is always more important than anything else.

    The bridesmaid dresses are lovely. Have you told the bridesmaids yet that you've ordered them? 
  • PistachioPistachio Posts: 22 New bride
    edited November 2019
    Bridesmaids dresses and invites look fab! love the bold bright colours on the invites.

    Sorry to hear your mum isn't being very co-operative and you are being very patient with everyone! I agree with others, the money from your mum should be able to go on what you and your partner see fit, otherwise she should have stipulated its specific use when giving it. 

    I am not sure what it is about weddings why everyone becomes incapable of sorting themselves out and expect everything to be paid for them. For bridesmaids, I don't think its necessary to pay for their hair and make up and especially not a trial, they aren't the bride. Mother of the bride is slightly different, but the bridesmaids, unless you have a very specific style you want them to have, should do their own hair and make up like they would if they were a guest at the wedding.  £650 on hair for 3 bridesmaids seems a really high figure. 

    Could you may be arrange an evening with your bridesmaids to try on the dresses that you have ordered and also have a play at hair and make up and see if they can co-ordinate between themselves how they will all have their hair and make up and how they will help each other to style it on the day? If any of your bridesmaids are good at make up, could they potentially do your sisters too? that could save a few pennies and your sister still look fab?
  • Thanks for the recommendations @MrsCToBee ill take a look! I did post on a few various facebook groups and local boards, but as you say i got inundated with everyone who's ever seen a youtube tutorial! I've gone through them and noted down the ones that seem good, but its just a process of filtering them now by style and price. 

    Thanks @annipoo , i think ill suggest it for when my mums home in December and we could even go to a beauty counter and make a bit of a day of it! I have told the girls, and 2 of the dresses should be arriving today so hopefully they're all ok. As harsh as it sounds i'm sort of of the opinion now that as long as they feel they can wear it for a day and be fine then i don't really care what else they think. I did try, and i really like the dresses, so they can lump it now! 

    Thanks @Pistachio thats a really good idea! I feel a bit awkward about saying to them that i basically cant afford it now, but one of my bridesmaids has been bugging me to get everyone together so maybe that's a good excuse and we can see how well it goes! I might chat to my sister as well about doing a make up class, and seeing if she would feel happy with me buying her some new bits and then we can take a class together so she feels confident doing it on the day. 

    One of my bridesmaids was over last night and i know its unintentional, but i ended up feeling a bit bad about how we are having to go about things. She is maid of honour to someone in November next year and she was saying how the couple have paid for their accommodation for 2 nights, paying for hair, make up, everything for their outfit, the groom is even paying for her to go to the hen do! I wish we could spoil people like that but we just cant. I had got ahead of my self a little while ago when i thought we were basically fully saved, and while we aren't far off, it feels like as close as we get to having to the total amount saved, more is added on the other end! She was also rather unsavory about the brides dress and made me wonder what she really thinks about me, she even said she will just agree with whatever the bride says because its her choice to look awful or not! As a friend i thought she would be honest, but i cant help but feel if someone talks like that about someone else to you, they'll talk about you to someone else too. 

    Anyway, i cant focus on silly things like that, it doesn't get you anywhere. I'm currently crossing my fingers that ill hear from the jewelers soon about picking up both my rings on Saturday! They've had my engagement ring for close to 6 weeks now, using it to make my wedding band and i want it back 😆
  • PistachioPistachio Posts: 22 New bride
    edited November 2019
    Bless you, I am a definite over thinker like you and I have found it much more difficult making decisions as it is always playing on my mind what others think and trying to make them happy so i know exactly how you feel. 

    In regards to your friend, you are definitely right, if she says things to you, you have to wonder what she is saying about you! which is a horrible thought but a real possibility unfortunately.  It also shows that someone will always have something to moan about and comment on, therefore you have to do what makes you happy, because you won't please everyone, and in reality, you shouldn't have to. Why your bridesmaid felt the need to tell you all the things her friend was paying for, I find odd, even if it was unintentional, as it has just left you feeling bad. 

    If I may be blunt, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. There isn't much point in promising to pay for make up classes with your sister and buying her new bits of make up if you actually can't afford it. You are better off not offering if you then have to go back on your word because that just adds to your guilt, disappointment and stress levels. I understand you love your sister very much and want her to feel good but if the make up class plus the new bits of make up add up to the MUA then that isn't really helping you from a financial point of view. 

    Fingers crossed you get your engagement ring back soon!! :)
  • Pistachio said:
    Bless you, I am a definite over thinker like you and I have found it much more difficult making decisions as it is always playing on my mind what others think and trying to make them happy so i know exactly how you feel. 

    In regards to your friend, you are definitely right, if she says things to you, you have to wonder what she is saying about you! which is a horrible thought but a real possibility unfortunately.  It also shows that someone will always have something to moan about and comment on, therefore you have to do what makes you happy, because you won't please everyone, and in reality, you shouldn't have to. Why your bridesmaid felt the need to tell you all the things her friend was paying for, I find odd, even if it was unintentional, as it has just left you feeling bad. 

    If I may be blunt, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. There isn't much point in promising to pay for make up classes with your sister and buying her new bits of make up if you actually can't afford it. You are better off not offering if you then have to go back on your word because that just adds to your guilt, disappointment and stress levels. I understand you love your sister very much and want her to feel good but if the make up class plus the new bits of make up add up to the MUA then that isn't really helping you from a financial point of view. 

    Fingers crossed you get your engagement ring back soon!! :)
    Oh absolutely I know if it works out the same there's no point, I guess I'm just hopeful that it won't be as expensive.

    I feel bad as I had already told them it was covered, I hate having to go back on my word but I can't find anyone with comparative prices so it feels a bit like my hands are tied. Hopefully by the weekend I'll have figured it all out though. 

    First bridesmaids dress has arrived and although it's a little big it seems lovely and the bridesmaid seems happy with it!! 
  • That's a shame you told them it was covered already, but circumstances change so maybe its best to just be honest and say you have had to juggle things about and can no longer pay for the hair and make up, especially if the dresses are big, that might be another expense of having alterations done too. Glad your bridesmaid is happy with the dress. 

    Before offering the alternative of the make up class,  maybe do your research to see if it is a cheaper alternative.  Another alternative could be contacting your local college to see if there are any beautician students who could do make up for a reduced fee or for free in exchange for the experience and photos to add to their portfolio? 
  • Oh absolutely but I only told them that because I could pay for it with the prices of the previous person, so it's just one of those things.

    I'll absolutely do my research, I'm by no means just rushing ahead with anything here, just trying to look at all my options. 
  • MrsH2020MrsH2020 Posts: 214 New bride
    I think that as you are having to find a replacement make-up artist anyway, they should understand if you say that you might not be able to cover everything you thought you could with the previous one.
    I agree with Pistachio that it seems a little unnecessary for your friend to have been telling you about all these things another bride was paying for, but every person is different and every wedding is different. I'm a massive people pleaser too, and struggling with the idea of not paying for everything for everybody, but I'm trying to remind myself of all the weddings I've been to that had vastly different budgets and were all wonderful. I have been a bridesmaid a couple of times in the past year - one time we had all our makeup and hair paid for, accommodation paid for, robes provided for the morning etc, at the other we did our own hair and makeup, got ready in our pjs and paid for our own rooms, and I loved both experiences of being a bridesmaid just as much as each other - those things shouldn't have a bearing on the enjoyment and honour of being a bridesmaid for someone you love :)
    (says the person who was stressed out about asking her girls if they minded doing their own make-up - I MUST listen to my own advice!)
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