What Am I Doing?! - April 2020



  • Aw thank you @ClareB i think theres so much pressure on us when planning a wedding, on top of whatever other life throws at us, and it can feel so hard to feel like its ok to be going through the process without loving every second. I hope youre getting on ok and my inbox is always open <3
  • I have been working from home since Wednesday due to some major office works, and in theory was SO excited to have time at home to get loads done......well of course that hasn't happened. I don't feel like i've done any work, or even ticked off any personal stuff, i don't know whats happened! 

    I'm still trying to narrow down hair and make up people, and honestly just cant be arsed. I don't have the money for multiple trials, but i don't want to commit without being sure, catch 22! Today i got a book in the post from my mum of wedding hairstyles. Super sweet and thoughtful, and its pretty handy as a general guide but they're all from the 80s-90s and literally no one i know has any skill whatsoever with hair, so even if we wanted to do it ourselves, it definitely wouldn't look like the photos  :D

    i feel like for 4.5 months out im hugely under prepared. I flicked through a few general checklists i use and they have all sorts like making sure the groomsmen suits are done, all ties are bought, bridesmaids accessories, presents for the day, it seems SO organised to have all that already, but also probably better than panicking last minute. 

    I'm going to try and sit down later and work out a room by room stage by stage type plan of whats what so i can get my head around what we do actually need to do, cause i keep thinking as its a package venue it isn't much, but its also more than i'm assuming, i know! 

    Felt a bit sad earlier than we haven't spent months picking out cute little details to make is "us" but also - i just haven't had the mental headspace so what can you do. I don't want to make myself more unwell with even more pressure, all because i'm trying to avoid other pressures! 

    We had some lovely messages about some of our invitations from the most unexpected sources - all Ms guy friends! I got a hilarious photo from one with the wax seal stuck to his forehead saying how pretty it was! So far only one of my bridesmaids has commented on them, and not even my own sister! It was quite heartwarming to get lovely messages from those i didnt expect it though, shows you cant assume what people think! 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    Your rings are just beautiful!

    We also found that C's best men and friends were very supportive and constantly asking if we needed help, far more than any of our family or bridesmaids!
  • Still working from home, and the novelty is definitely wearing off! I just feel more guilty for not having done more 🙈

    Although I'm so so close to finalizing hair and make up!! 
    I've narrowed down the make up artists to the below, what do you all think, 2 or 3? 

  • I personally prefer 3!
  • Thanks @AmyFSToBe ! Thats who im leaning towards too i think. 

    Had such a palava with my mum yesterday, she really doesnt pay attention sometimes and i know she isnt always well, but it makes things so much harder than they need to be. I sent her collages of 2 hairdressers and 3 make up artists just to get her opinion (stupid idea #1!) and asked her to pick one of each, she sends me back the two numbers she prefers so i ask what it is about them she likes more, and she starts going on about the hairstyles on both of them. 

    I asked her again which persons make up and she says a different number, so i ask what she likes about their style and she says the hair!!!! Then when i said i was asking about make up she goes "oh i haven't looked at make up on any of them"  The woman cant follow an instruction to save her life. 

    THEN to top it all off as shes going about how she loves these particular hairstyles (that i hate) she sends me a HUGE picture of me in my bloody wedding dress!!!!! I was sat on the sofa curled up with M for F**K sake! I'm so so lucky he wasn't paying any attention but i was livid. There was absolutely no reason to send me a picture, i know she was sending it because he likes how my hair was in that (i hated it and she knows that) but for christ sake woman!  I feel bad because i had a go at her but then it triggered me feeling shit about her previous involvement. 

    I know shes shown the pictures to loads of people, she had shown them to family without my permission on the same day we were out and when i expressed how i wasn't ok with that she said they would see me anyway so why does it matter.... 

    I got into a bit of a spiral of not feeling like any of it is special and had a little cry to M that i only got the dress because of my mum and sister and how much i regret all of our early decisions. Hes having such a hard time at work i know he doesn't need that too, but im not doing well with accepting that whats done is done. 

    I wish id gone dress shopping alone, I wish i hadn't shown so many people my dress, i wish i had stuck to my guns on what kind of dress i wanted, i wish we had had the conversation of budget before so i wasnt just trying to find the cheapest thing, i wish i had stuck to my guns on my bridal party and not had one, i wish we had stuck to the small thing we originally wanted. 

    But i wish doesnt change anything or get me anywhere. All i can do now is some damage control i guess. Cant wait til all this is over. 
  • MrsH2020MrsH2020 Posts: 135 New bride
    Sorry to hear you've had a low moment - and I totally sympathize. My mum is absolutely wonderful and I love her to pieces, but I've lost count of the number of times she has asked me the same questions about tiny details of the day (such as who will move the vintage car we may or may not hire to its overnight parking space after we have made our entrance in it, and when). It's only because she cares, and her mind focuses in on details/logistics anyway (I know who I get my overthinking habits from!) but I really have to be patient sometimes. I've also been really torn about asking her opinion on things as she is very, very honest and it's made me question a few things that I genuinely loved. I guess my only advice is to try to be patient but firm with your mum, and not to share too many more details ahead of the wedding - although I feel as though you are pretty nearly there with everything now?
    I'm also kicking myself over showing a few more people than I planned pics of myself in the four dresses I was originally considering, as their comments on them inevitably influenced how I felt about them...
  • thanks @MrsH2020, i do need to give her a bit more of a break, but you're right i'm basically done with things now and whats left i want to just sort myself so i shouldn't feel the need to go to her for validation. 

    Its so hard isn't it! You show people because you want the support and confirmation of feelings, but there doesn't seem to be a way to go about it without there being some kind of subconscious bias there. I feel like anytime i ask someone and they know its my dress its automatically a positive response because no one wants to be the one to say "actually its not right" when they know you've invested in it already. I do think theres a lot to be said for it being completely different when youre all made up and preened though, thats what i keep telling myself! 
  • ClareBClareB Posts: 25 New bride
    As someone who has maybe read your planning thread more recently than you(!), I would recommend looking back and remembering why you bought your dress in the first place. Have you tried it on recently? I've found that really helps if you can. Also I was really struggling with looking at phone pictures of myself in a dress that needs some altering and thinking I / it looked ridiculous - I decided to look up the brand on Instagram and found pictures of real brides in it, which really helped give it all a bit more context (including the hair / make up / veils).

    With regards to your mum, I've had issues with both my mum and my FMIL and I think you have to remind yourself that you were trying to make them feel included, even if it backfired with them showing pictures to people or only caring about details that impact them.

    I think with planning anything over a long period, you're going to have some doubts and possibly some regrets, but you need to focus on what you are looking forward to, rather than wishing it all away.
  • Thqank you @ClareB you're very right there!! I tried it on in October and loved it then, and i have my first fittings in January so i think i just need to try not to think about it until then! I've only ever been able to find about 2 real brides, and only 1-2 photos of each so it feels a bit like gold dust, but i have looked at a lot of similar ones which has helped. I'm hoping for my fitting in Jan ill have all my accessories sorted so it will be closer to the completed look. 

    Thats a really good point, i think if i could go back id rather have the stress of it being quicker than longer haha it has given me far too much time to doubt everything. One of the things im most excited about is the food but everyone keeps telling me i wont eat!! Im hoping thats one of those things where i know myself better and itll be fine! 

    We've had quite a few RSVPs in now which is nice, some with some really lovely messages!
  • On Saturday we attended a friends wedding, they planned the whole thing in 3 months and it was so lovely! It was a really foggy morning but the venue and grounds were stunning, such a regal house with a gorgeous staircase and halls. It really reminded me that it doesn't need to be all singing and dancing with loads of extras to be good! 
    They had a sweet ceremony, good food, and a decent dance floor and that was it, and it worked so well! We were definitely guests to make up numbers though, M and i were on a table away from all our other friends and with the grooms colleagues and god they were such assholes! They heckled him during his speech, even when he got emotional about his mum fighting cancer! They didn't have loads of guests either, maybe 50/60, so the colleagues definitely were the sore thumb of the meal. Makes me appreciate that although we have more people, every single one of them is family or a close friend, and they all would at least respect us enough to not be knobs at the important moments. 

    I feel bad though because the couple that invited us, and that whole circle of friends, are evening only guests (it would be 6/7 additional people otherwise, that's over £500 more...) and i literally only ever see them at events like this and we don't talk, so it just didn't seem right to have them at the day. i love them and respect them, but they don't include me in their lives daily and were just in different spheres, but i still feel bad. 

    I'm so close to booking my new hair and make up artists but for some reason they're just so hard to nail down! I have confirmed with both of them, but i'm waiting for details to send a deposit over, hopefully that'll be ticked off soon. Haven't really achieved anything else lately but we've both been struggling a lot, work is hard for both of us, everything just feels a bit tough, so its alright for things to take a little bit of a backseat. 

    I had all these ideas of buying all the presents and gifts and accessories over the black Friday sales but i haven't bought a thing! I know it isn't a bad thing but i keep looking at everything thinking "that's a waste" so i'm just going to take some time i think and just pick up bits that genuinely seem worth it. 
  • You're doing the right thing not inviting them! I wish we'd kept our guest list smaller now. We're inviting a few people just to be polite really who can't even be bothered to try to meet up with us and now I'm thinking it's ridiculous that we're unlikely to even see them before the wedding. If I hadn't sent save the dates out I wouldn't bother.
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    Sorry you're having a hard time with it all still, but you need to stop second guessing yourself, or you drive yourself mad (I know, I did it!!). 
    Stick to your original guest decisions, you made them for a reason.
    You're on the home straight now, you will have a fantastic day, and then you can sit back and breathe a huge sigh of relief and enjoy being married. I look back on decisions I agonised over and realise they really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, or at all, really.
  • Thank you @MrsCToBee , it means so much to hear it from someone out the other side!! 

    4 months to go today! Still done bugger all more but oh well! I have decided i'm going to do a speech, so im excited to start working on that soon! My dad was never going to do one, ive seen him twice in 12+ years so what can he say? My sister said about doing one but shes struggling a lot with her mental health, and i think as much as she loves the idea, theres every chance on the day she would panic and not want to, and if that happened i know id feel sad that i missed a chance so ive taken the bull by the horns and im just going to do it!

    Stillllll need to make the backdrop and do the other DIY bits, sort groomsmen ties, my accessories, meet with hair and make up (their request prior to booking - maybe i seem hard work :D ) timelines, dress cleaning, and probably more that isn't as urgent. 

    Perfect when i have no more free weekends until 11th January, and then i start the new job on the 13th! Nothing like a bit of pressure :D 
  • Tonight i'm meeting a potential MUA, and the hairdresser i've provisionally booked has an event on at a local-sh boutique so i'm hoping to head over there after and see what its all about. 

    Realized today that i should probably start booking the appointments we need for things in the new year, once of which is the ceremony planning meeting. They can only hold them Monday - Friday, and once again due to Ms work that gives us one week in February we can make it work, and i'm going to have to see what i can arrange with my new work about leaving early to go. 

    Because were getting married in the County over as well it means a 30 min drive to the nearest office that seems to do these meetings. Not the end of the world i know, but i'm so anxious about taking the piss with my new job and taking too much time off. 

    Still achieved ZERO more than last time. Its funny, i used to think i was so on top of things and a great organised, but lately i feel like its spinning out of my hands. 

    I feel sad that we had so much time, and i had wanted to do so many little touches to make it personal and all these DIY bits but i feel like the entire year has been ripped from under me. I kept thinking i would feel better and things would get better, and then id have more energy and be able to tackle it all head on but its like i'm still lagging, hoping its different next week, and it never is. 

    I haven't really mentioned it too much but since April i've been back in the care of the mental health team, and so much of my energy has gone onto trying to keep my head above water every day that before you know it the time has gone and all my best intentions went with it. I was discharged from their care a little while ago, and then went into the supervision of Mind, but even that's been a battle. My time has been focused on trying to get help, not actually doing much to improve anywhere. 

    I know none of it matters, the day will be lovely, we will be married, but i cant help but feel sad that i will for a long time remember that i hadn't been able to give it the attention i had wanted to. 

  • ClareBClareB Posts: 25 New bride
    You shouldn't regret that your focus has been on your mental health, rather than the wedding - it's so important to take care of yourself and any issues are likely to compound themselves if you don't get the help you need.

    It's so easy to set yourself really high standards and then be disappointed you didn't meet them, especially when there are endless ideas on pinterest and in everything written about weddings. In reality, I think very few weddings have loads of personal touches and some of the things that look personal have actually cost a lot of money from a professional! Perhaps you can pick a couple of DIY items that you can make over Christmas (when you hopefully have some down time) and enjoy them as little projects, rather than try to attempt your whole list?

    If you can book your appointments in soon, then you should be able to give your new work plenty of notice of the time you need off. Can you make up the time, rather than taking it as annual leave?
  • Thank you @ClareB i think thats what i'm going to look at doing, with the backdrop, dessert table and maybe one other thing as the main points to focus on from now. 

    My new boss seems really good so i think i can work the time back which helps, i just need to make sure i can get an appointment in the afternoon and you know how councils can be  :#

    Thank you for the encouragement and support <3 
  • So the meeting with the MUA went alright, she seems lovely, i just feel like i came across as uninterested in my own wedding and a bit neurotic, but neither are exactly complete lies so i suppose i was still myself!

    She told me to take a few days to make sure i'm happy with the choice and then go back to her (i think because i said i can be impulsive) but she seems good and we are on the same page so id at least be happy having her around on the morning!

    Starting to try and work out logistics of trials and things now, but just waiting back to hear from my bridesmaid about my hen do so i can time a trial for the same day and get the most from the make up!

    Also ordered the last bit i need for the backdrop so hopefully once i'm off work for Christmas i can get that finished too. 

    Going to call the registrars at lunch and see when we can get our planning meeting booked in, then time to work on the actual ceremony! 
  • MrsH2020MrsH2020 Posts: 135 New bride
    Sorry you haven't been feeling great @CoffeeDogAddict! Just wanted to jump in to say that something I realised recently which has helped a lot with my mindset around the wedding is that when we're in the throes of planning, spending time looking at wedding stuff on Pinterest, in wedding groups/forums, seeing loads and loads of other weddings, it's so easy to see things you thought were more personal and unique to you, and then think that they're not after all. But the vast majority of your guests probably won't have seen it before, and because they know YOU, they'll see you and your personality as a couple in all aspects of your day.
    I'm having an autumn wedding with burgundy bridesmaids dresses, because it's our favourite time of year and my favourite colour. In my experience of weddings, both these things are not the norm and I liked the thought that it was a bit different to the usual summer/pink/blue themes (NOT that there is anything wrong with that at all) and reflected our personalities. Then I joined the Bridechilla Facebook group, and suddenly autumn/fall weddings and burgundy bridesmaids were absolutely everywhere and I felt as though maybe my colour scheme/autumn theme isn't special at all. But none of my guests will have seen all of that and they won't care!
    There's loads of other things that we have planned to be really 'personal' to us, and then I've actually seen it everywhere online. But that doesn't mean it's any less personal, and chances are many guests won't have seen these things before.
    I know you're pretty far through your planning now, but are there any small ways you can inject some personal touches, without it necessarily involving DIY and potentially your time/stress? Perhaps ceremony readings/naming the drinks or food you serve/a special song to walk into your reception to?
  • Thank you @MrsH2020 thats a really good point, something i definitely need reminding of more! 

    I like the idea of things like readings! We cant really do drinks because were sticking with a boring drinks package (cocktails are just too expensive) but i think we might try to inject a bit more personality into the songs, readings, and then i am still hoping to surprise M with Pops that have been painted to look like us as little cake toppers. We collect Pops so thought it would be a nice little treat, and something we can keep forever. Hopefully we can also get bits for the dessert table that are our favorites, and as i'm a huge sweet tooth i think most people will find it appropriate that we've gone for that instead of just a "normal" cake.  

    I think i might see if we can come up with anything a bit more fun for the table names, instead of just numbers, but its pretty low on the priority list and doesnt matter if we can't. 
  • MrsH2020MrsH2020 Posts: 135 New bride
    Those are all such lovely ideas! Table names are such a good way of making things personal too - and I don't think it matters if it's a theme lots of people go for as you will always make it relevent to you. For example, could you do cities/countries/areas that you guys have visited? Maybe you could print a photo of the two of you in each place to pop on the table with the date you were there written on it? You guys got engaged in Amsterdam right? Maybe that could be your head table, if you're having one.
  • Thats a really cute idea @MrsH2020!! We were going to have Gin bottles with the numbers painted on them, but i could have instax style photos printed and stick those on, makes it a quicker job and saves me having to worry about getting the label off perfectly! You're a star <3
  • Mini Update

    I have booked a trial with my hairdresser for Jan 18th which seems really early, but i'm not going to complain. I think the more free time i give myself closer to the wedding the better. I've also got a date in for a trial with my make up artist for March 7th, which is my Hen Do! I had originally wanted them both on the same day, and i wanted to organise a trial for that day too so i could see it all together  but its fine, it doesn't matter enough to try and make it all work. 

    @MrsH2020 for the fab idea! The fabric for the backdrop should be here this week so in our Christmas break we are going to get that all finished. M proudly reminded me that when we got out house on 20th Dec 2 years ago we managed to paint 4 rooms and move in in 6 days so hes of the firm belief we can get most things ticked off in this time!

    I also dropped my dress off to be cleaned and i'm crossing everything the woman doesn't ruin it! In hindsight i shouldn't have left it with her, but i got it out the bag and she went "is it meant to be that weird off colour? It looks smokey" i tried to explain that's its colour, and she went on about "having stuff to get rid of it" so i'm hoping she actually listened to my insistence.
    About an hour after i dropped it off i got a call with "there's a huge tear in it, i mean huge, its massive, in all the layers" which has set off alarm bells because when i took it to the seamstress before we gathered up every individual panel of the tulle and didn't see anything, and nothing was noticed when i tried it on in October either, and its just been in its bag since then. I'm hoping shes either mistaken the gap for the zip as a rip, but i'm waiting to see at the weekend when i can go and collect it.

    It's funny, the thought of her ruining my dress immediately made me feel defensive and annoyed, not at the cost or anything, but at the fact i wouldn't be able to get my exact dress anywhere else as the bodice was a sample custom, so at least that shows the dress doubts have gone!! :D

    Next on the list is the groomsmen bits, and i've started trying to book in things for the new year like the alterations for the bridesmaids dresses that need them, and my hair cut and colour!

    I also found out yesterday that my Dad and step mum are coming over in January and will be here til the end of May! Feels so so strange to think about, but i'm pleased they wont be leaving while were on honeymoon. I had thought they would only be here for a few weeks but id be so busy i wouldn't get to see them much. I haven't seen my step mum, or spoken to her, in around 25 years i think. My dad came back for two weeks in early 2018, and then once earlier for a few weeks in around 2011 but they're the only times i've seen him in 15 years.. I'm nervous with how itll be but only because there's this assumed familiarity with him being my dad, but i actually don't know him. i have no idea what he likes, dislikes, whats normal for him, how he will be, but i suppose i can only take it a step at a time. 

    Its got me a little worried about any drama at the wedding, but luckily my bridesmaids have already said they'll keep an eye on people and handle as necessary. 

    Feels like all the little logistical bits coming onto the forefront now which is odd, it always felt so far away. I think its these little things of how it all ticks over are going to feel more important to me than the little bits of decor. My main focus is how to have a lovely morning getting ready, whilst keeping my mum at bay! I'm hoping i can work it so i turn up at 9 and start getting bits sorted, bridesmaids can be getting their hair done then, then maybe my mum turns up 11ish or so, later if possible, and has her hair and makeup done last. he less time that woman has to predrink and panic the better! 
  • GallaGalla Posts: 38 New bride
    Hello! I’ve just read through your full story. Took me a few days but I got their in the end! 

    We’ve been engaged 5 years already, but only now in a position to start organising so it’s been helpful to read your arrangements from the start.

    Dying to see this dress though! 
  • Aw thank you @Galla that's impressive!! Sorry for all the waffle haha. Hope your planning is going well! 

    I did a little DIY today but sods law the iron started to steam as I moved it away and it's scorched the edge of the bag. It doesn't look too bad in photos but it's quite obvious in person as it's pretty brown, any tips on what to do to cover it up? I'm not a fan of diamontes. 

    I've also had a chance to go through bits and get my head around what we've got left and it isn't quite as daunting as I thought so that's positive.

    I'm still really struggling with a song to go down the aisle to. I don't want anything typical but I just can't really find anything from artists I usually like. 

  • ClareBClareB Posts: 25 New bride
    Bag looks great - it's impossible to see the scorch mark in the picture. Is it on the seam? If so, you could try painting / colouring with a marker just along the edge? Otherwise can you use a ribbon or some kind of trim to cover it?

    What kind of music do you like?
  • I think it looks fine! But understand it may be more visible in person. Unfortunately don't know what to suggest to cover it, a ribbon as Clare suggested could be good!
    We have picked 'I Get to Love You' by Ruelle - the words are perfect! Not sure if that's your style though?
  • A couple of songs we found were:
    To build a home - The Cinematic Orchestra
    I get to love you - Ruelle
    Better - SYML
    Marry me - Train
    Turning page - Sleeping at last
  • Thanks for all the suggestions!  I love I Get To Love You by Ruelle but Ms cousin's wife had it in August and they make up 60+% of our guest list so I feel like it would be awkward 🙈 I'll check out the others though!! 
  • I'm so sad. Picked up my dress and the damage they're on about - I don't recall ever seeing. It seems pretty obvious and it's the front left side of the dress, starting about 5" from the waistband, so it's pretty prominent. 

    In sure the seamstress can fix it, but I still feel gutted. Also feel like I'm going mad because the shop says it was like that, but they didn't notice it on its sign inspection....and isn't that the point of them? I don't know, I'm not trying to blame them or anything but I can't see it in the photos from October at Wed2B. 

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